STEPMOM

In a stepfamily, blended parenting has many challenges, due to the differences in parenting styles that often collide rather than blend. Here’s some relationship advice for stepmoms, stepchildren, and stepdads that is fundamental to all relationships.  If you want to grow a bond of love that lasts in the long run, start with respect.  All around.

I know of a recently-formed stepfamily which now consists of eight children (of a variety of ages including several teens) and two parents living together.  Actually, I grew up in a family of this size, as there were eight kids in my family.  Yet the differences are huge.  Our family gradually added a child at a time, and patterns and rituals were already in place as additional children came along.  When problems occurred (as they certainly did), we had a natural bond of love we could depend upon.  That love wasn’t questioned when arguments got heated.
Even though each side of this new family has strong bonding within itself, it can’t be expected that a natural love will exist between the two family units.  It might be a bit of a shock to realize that the love you took for granted in your biological family is actually a luxury for a new stepfamily. The couple taking on blended parenting may find they are dealing with two mini-families. If children are young, and that pattern is left to harden, they face the long-term possibility of two camps that are pitted against one another.

So much has to be structured! In this new stepfamily, suddenly, bedrooms need to be shared, bathroom time will be at a premium, and there are many lifestyle differences that have the potential of clashing:  how much is each person expected to help?  What are the standards for cleanliness?  What communication styles are acceptable?  The list goes on and on…

There’s one place to start that would make the biggest difference of all.  It will have far more impact than starting with specific rules about how to share bathrooms or who does the dishes.  And that would be for the adults, to begin blended parenting by communicating and creating an atmosphere in which each person feels respected.  From this foundation, rules and systems will be much more easily established – and followed.

Here are some guidelines:
• Consider that every person in the family, from a toddler to a teenager to a parent, deserves to be treated with the respect and dignity deserved by a human being. Every single family member is going through major changes during this time of transition.
• Listening to another is one of the greatest gifts you can give him or her.  Just being heard will help each person in the family to get past the feeling of being powerless and help them to work through their feelings about the changes in the family composition.
• It is not to be expected that each member of the new family will love each other member (in fact, it’s possible that some won’t even like each other).  But it is to be expected that each one treats each other with respect.
• How do we show respect?  By noticing our tone of voice and assuring it is respectful, by not interrupting, by listening to the other’s words and needs, by eye contact, and by our actions.

I would suggest that any new stepfamily begin with a meeting or some kind of ritual in which each person shares what’s most important to him or her during the transition, and that it is begun by the blended parenting couple with a discussion of the importance of respect.  The parents can go a long way toward setting an atmosphere of respect by treating the children on both sides with respect, dignity and understanding.

If each person feels that he or she is respected, the likelihood of that person treating the others with respect goes up dramatically!  So my blended parenting advice is this: since it’s too much to ask for everyone to be “one big happy family” or “everyone love one another” – begin with the fundamental quality of respect.  Out of that, harmony and bonding are much likelier to take hold.