“Is a stepmom a mom?” This was a question posted by Brenda on the Stepmom Magazine Forum recently, and it inspired over fifty comments and a heated discussion. In an April Stepmom Magazine article, Mary Kelly Williams also addressed this issue; she advised stepmoms to back away from the parental role, and this was probably the most controversial Stepmom Magazine article to date. While there seems to be general agreement that it’s smart for the stepparent to go slowly while taking on the new role, there’s plenty of disagreement about what the long-term goal should be regarding “parental status”.

Perhaps we can shed some light on this controversy by referring to studies that have been done. The National Stepfamily Resource Center published a paper by Susan Gamache, PhD, entitled “Stepparent’s Parental Status as a Central Theme in Stepfamily Living”. Dr. Gamache looked at studies of stepfamilies, reviewing the extent to which the stepparent acted as a parent and was perceived as a parent by the children. Interestingly enough, her review of the literature indicated that about half the number of children living in stepfamilies include the stepparent in the parent category, and half do not. Thus the controversy between two equally-divided camps extends to the children as well!

In my view, the amount of agreement on this issue by the whole stepfamily (including both homes the child is part of), is a primary indicator of overall harmony within that stepfamily. If the parents in the two homes, within the home, and the children, have very different perceptions of the stepparent’s “parental role”, then you can expect ongoing conflict, irreconcilable differences, and eventually, smoldering grievances.

For example, one mom might expect the stepdad to “jump in” when parenting is needed. She might become upset if he tends to stay in the background. But the truth is that these two have different perceptions of his parental status. In another case, a dad who expects his wife to “love his children like they were his own” will struggle with a wife who can’t conjure up that love. This couple sees her parental status differently. And children may rebel against a stepparent who sees him or herself as a parent and takes on the role of disciplinarian; frequently the children’s perception of the stepparent does not accord them that parental status.

Surely this difference is at the bottom of much of the conflict between the mom and stepmom: the stepparent can’t “get” why the parent doesn’t appreciate her contribution to parenting the children. Instead, the mom acts as if the stepmom is usurping her role as parent: often she doesn’t give any parental status to the stepmom in the beginning.
Yet the stepmom, who fulfills many “mom responsibilities” when the children are with her, rightly feels that she should be accorded SOME parental status.

There’s good reason to conclude that there’s no “one size fits all” solution to this issue for stepfamilies. Considering all the possible permutations of stepfamily membership, there are nearly a hundred different subtypes of stepfamilies; there’s no such thing as a “typical” stepfamily. Here are some of the factors that will be conducive to greater or less parental status for the stepparent:

Age of Children at Time of Remarriage
The likelihood of the stepparent effectively taking on the parental role decreases as the age of the children increases. Older adolescents and teens are far less likely to accept the stepparent as a parent, while very young children have an easier time embracing the stepparent as a parent. The stepcouple needs to take this into consideration in the running of their household and in their House Rules.

Complex vs. Simple Stepfamily
If the stepparent also brings a child or children into the family, that person is more likely to be seen in the parental role. In that case, a more balanced parental status can be an advantage in the smooth management of the home. If the stepcouple has a child or children together, then both will have high parental status in the overall family – even though the parental status might be best carried out differently with biological vs. step children.

Perception and Involvement of the Non-Resident Parent
If the stepcouple has primary custody of the children, with little or no involvement of the other parent, then the stepparent by default will take on more parental status. (That situation can change during the course of the child’s growing up, as living arrangements and custody may shift over time). Additionally, with a cooperative parent in the other home who is willing to accept a “team parenting approach”, the stepparent has greater parental status. If, on the other hand, the mom is highly threatened or hostile, the stepmom needs to back off from a high parental status or else face constant hostility and difficult loyalty binds for the children.

Personalities and Chemistries Involved
Some stepparents are more interested in taking on the parental role than others; some jump in enthusiastically with two feet into parenting, while at the other extreme, some courteously tolerate the presence of children as necessary. As long as the family members communicate and adjust to these preferences, either approach can work. Also, personalities and chemistries need to be taken into account – sometimes a child and stepparent “hit it off” immediately, while other pairs never seem to understand each other no matter how long the stepfamily lives together.

Length of Remarriage
The parental status of the stepparent can grow over time as the stepfamily completes its development period, which averages seven years. If all the stars are aligned for it, the couple may agree on a high level of parental status for the stepparent. Even in this case, it is recommended that the stepparent take on this role gradually, letting the child take the lead in the bonding process as he or she feels ready. Going gradually increases the likelihood of success.

Here are a some suggestions for new stepparents – and for those that are trying to correct a situation that might be going in the wrong direction!
1.  Focus first on forging a warm and friendly interaction style with the stepchildren.  Listen to them, get to know them, and focus more on joining in family activities as opposed to seeking one-on-one activities with the stepchild, unless they initiate them.  Let the child guide the level of closeness they are willing to accept.
2.  The attitudes and actions of the biological parent are crucial here.  This is the person that has the power to invite the step-parent into the fold, as the children will follow the cue of their parent.  So if the children ignore, or worse yet, are rude and disrespectful to the step parent, and their own parent lets them get away with this behavior, the stepfamily has far less of a chance of working.  In this case, the stepparent is in for a nearly impossible struggle.
3.  The couple needs to agree on a set of rules for the home and expectations for the children’s behavior.  Without some structure in the home (since the new family does not automatically have one), there can be a general feeling of anxiety in the home.  And the lack of structure is a breeding-ground for misunderstanding, resentment, and conflict, because of unclarified expectations.  This structure should be communicated to the children by the couple.  Once this new structure starts to gel, children begin to feel more secure and much stress is alleviated in the home.
4.  The lead role in discipline and authority needs to be taken by the biological parent, who also needs to back up the stepparent in carrying out the agreement for the structure that has been set up by the two of them.  Early in stepfamily life, the stepparent is best seen the way a child would view a coach or camp counselor:  one who provides instruction and follows through with rules, but does not take over the role of the parent.  The stepdad who tries to take over the role of disciplinarian is asking for rebellion from his stepson – punishment isn’t an approach that will work!
5.  Becoming more of an insider may then occur as everyone settles into their roles and accepts the stepfamily.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, though:  experts say that it takes seven to ten years for a stepfamily to complete the development process.  And depending on a number of factors, the relationship between the stepparent and stepchildren may never become as warm and accepting as you would like.
So, in the meantime, take care of yourself.  You will likely need some time to renew yourself, with other interests and friends where you feel like a comfortable insider.  Adjusting your expectations can help.  And it might be very helpful to do what’s necessary to deal with any feelings of rejection you face – otherwise, they can cause a boomerang effect in the home, as your unhappiness will affect others.  Your upset about it can sour relationships that could otherwise begin to bloom.  A breakthrough session can help you to process what’s underneath your feeling of alienation; sometimes it’s amplified by some old hurt that is still there even though you might not remember it.  And just being grateful for the good moments, the unexpected connections and fun times, can go a long way to beginning to shift your focus and help you enjoy what is good about the stepfather stepson relationship you’re building.

The Stepdad and Stepson in My Family

In the range of relationships in stepfamilies, the stepfather stepson relationship does not have a reputation of being one of the most difficult – if it’s handled correctly! If you are a stepfather wanting to develop a good stepfather stepson relationship, here are some good questions to ask yourself:

• What is the relationship between your stepson and his father? Are they close, and do they see each other regularly? Or are you the primary father figure in your stepson’s life? The answer to this question will have a strong impact on the role that’s appropriate for you to take.

• How old was your stepson when you and your wife became involved? If he was close to or during the teen years, he’s not likely to be very accepting of a new parent figure in his live, even though he may be in need of one. His age will be one determinant of the stepfather stepson relationship.

• How close is your parenting philosophy and style to your wife’s? To your stepson’s father? Some compromise will be in order if they are very different, and it’s important for you to be open to your wife’s approach; learn together and negotiate together. You are an important resource for her in helping her to improve her parenting, but she’ll only be open to your opinion if offered in the right spirit – that of wanting a good and appropriate stepfather stepson relationship.

• What was your relationship with your father? In what parenting style were your raised? Are you comfortable in using the same style, and will it lead to a positive stepfather stepson relationship?

• What are your expectations and underlying desires for a son? If you don’t have a son of your own, introspect to see if you are imposing your expectations on your stepson. My husband, an engineer, had a dad who helped him build and repair things… he tried to follow that same pattern in his stepfather stepson relationship, but it simply wasn’t right for my son, an artist/writer at heart.

• How well-informed are you about parenting skills and approaches that work? How much do you know about developmental stages, in order to understand what behaviors are normal and acceptable at different ages? The more you learn, the more your stepfather stepson relationship will improve.

There’s a lot to consider; if a new stepparent jumps in too fast to the stepfather stepson relationship without preparation, it’s likely to result in real disappointment, and can backfire.  The best course of action is to go slow, to build a connection with your stepson over time.  Be patient and don’t add too much pressure to the situation – developing a stepfamily is really more like cooking a meal in a crockpot as opposed to a blender! If possible, relax into your role, and don’t expect too much too soon.

So what is the appropriate role of the stepfather?  That’s a complex question, actually – and each family needs to find their own way.  It is important that the children see the couple as a unit, as the two heads of the household.  The couple needs to show their strength, and in subtle ways communicate to the children that this union is here to stay.   Until this happens, your stepson might be more hesitant to let you in, and will sometimes do whatever he can to create problems in your new relationship.  And anyone who is in a stepfamily recognizes the power of the children to do that!

The stepfather stepson relationship is simply different from the father son relationship.  You may as well know, early on, that you will never become a true parent to him.  You cannot create that biological bond – relatedness does matter.  And the more involved the other parent is in their life, the more your role needs to differ from that of the parent.

I know of a recently-formed stepfamily which now consists of eight children (of a variety of ages including several teens) and two parents living together.  Actually, I grew up in a family of this size, as there were eight kids in my family.  Yet the differences are huge.  Our family gradually added a child at a time, and patterns and rituals were already in place as additional children came along.  When problems occurred (as they certainly did), we had a natural bond of love we could depend upon.  That love wasn’t questioned when arguments got heated.
Even though each side of this new family has strong bonding within itself, it can’t be expected that a natural love will exist between the two family units.  It might be a bit of a shock to realize that the love you took for granted in your biological family is actually a luxury for a new stepfamily. The couple taking on blended parenting may find they are dealing with two mini-families. If children are young, and that pattern is left to harden, they face the long-term possibility of two camps that are pitted against one another.

So much has to be structured! In this new stepfamily, suddenly, bedrooms need to be shared, bathroom time will be at a premium, and there are many lifestyle differences that have the potential of clashing:  how much is each person expected to help?  What are the standards for cleanliness?  What communication styles are acceptable?  The list goes on and on…

There’s one place to start that would make the biggest difference of all.  It will have far more impact than starting with specific rules about how to share bathrooms or who does the dishes.  And that would be for the adults, to begin blended parenting by communicating and creating an atmosphere in which each person feels respected.  From this foundation, rules and systems will be much more easily established – and followed.

Here are some guidelines:
• Consider that every person in the family, from a toddler to a teenager to a parent, deserves to be treated with the respect and dignity deserved by a human being. Every single family member is going through major changes during this time of transition.
• Listening to another is one of the greatest gifts you can give him or her.  Just being heard will help each person in the family to get past the feeling of being powerless and help them to work through their feelings about the changes in the family composition.
• It is not to be expected that each member of the new family will love each other member (in fact, it’s possible that some won’t even like each other).  But it is to be expected that each one treats each other with respect.
• How do we show respect?  By noticing our tone of voice and assuring it is respectful, by not interrupting, by listening to the other’s words and needs, by eye contact, and by our actions.

I would suggest that any new stepfamily begin with a meeting or some kind of ritual in which each person shares what’s most important to him or her during the transition, and that it is begun by the blended parenting couple with a discussion of the importance of respect.  The parents can go a long way toward setting an atmosphere of respect by treating the children on both sides with respect, dignity and understanding.

If each person feels that he or she is respected, the likelihood of that person treating the others with respect goes up dramatically!  So my blended parenting advice is this: since it’s too much to ask for everyone to be “one big happy family” or “everyone love one another” – begin with the fundamental quality of respect.  Out of that, harmony and bonding are much likelier to take hold.

For the Mother Remarried:
Does your husband think you are too lenient on your children?
Does he think you spoil them or give them too much?
Does he think you don’t discipline them as you should?
Does your husband complain that your kids misbehave?

Do your children complain about their stepfather?
Do your children show a preference towards you, in getting the help they need?
Do you see signs that your children are resisting their stepdad’s involvement?
Do they disrespect him?

Do you feel in the middle when the two of them don’t get along?
Do you take the side of your kids when there is an issue between them?
If you take your husband’s side, do you feel guilty for hurting the children?

For the Father Remarried:
Do you feel that the children should be able to relax when they’re with you?
Do you find yourself walking on eggshells so as not to upset the kids?
Does your wife think you are too lenient, or that you give them too much or spoil them?

Does your wife complain that your kids get away with too much?
Are your wife and kids at an impasse, not getting along or understanding one another?
Do you hesitate to discipline them, or to agree with your wife on a set of house rules?

Do you feel torn between your wife and your kids (and possibly your ex as well)?
Do you feel there’s not enough of you to go around, or enough money to go around?

How would you feel if you discovered that it’s not the mother remarried, or the father remarried who is at fault? And it’s not the stepmom or stepdad at fault either; you’re stuck in the stormy seas of the classic stepfamily dilemma!

For the father remarried and the mother remarried, these are some challenges of stepfamily life that are common experiences. If you understand how these challenges are built into the very structure of the stepfamily, you can arm yourself with methods to get through them. You are not alone; almost all stepfamilies need training.