The Stepdad and Stepson in My Family

In the range of relationships in stepfamilies, the stepfather stepson relationship does not have a reputation of being one of the most difficult – if it’s handled correctly! If you are a stepfather wanting to develop a good stepfather stepson relationship, here are some good questions to ask yourself:

• What is the relationship between your stepson and his father? Are they close, and do they see each other regularly? Or are you the primary father figure in your stepson’s life? The answer to this question will have a strong impact on the role that’s appropriate for you to take.

• How old was your stepson when you and your wife became involved? If he was close to or during the teen years, he’s not likely to be very accepting of a new parent figure in his live, even though he may be in need of one. His age will be one determinant of the stepfather stepson relationship.

• How close is your parenting philosophy and style to your wife’s? To your stepson’s father? Some compromise will be in order if they are very different, and it’s important for you to be open to your wife’s approach; learn together and negotiate together. You are an important resource for her in helping her to improve her parenting, but she’ll only be open to your opinion if offered in the right spirit – that of wanting a good and appropriate stepfather stepson relationship.

• What was your relationship with your father? In what parenting style were your raised? Are you comfortable in using the same style, and will it lead to a positive stepfather stepson relationship?

• What are your expectations and underlying desires for a son? If you don’t have a son of your own, introspect to see if you are imposing your expectations on your stepson. My husband, an engineer, had a dad who helped him build and repair things… he tried to follow that same pattern in his stepfather stepson relationship, but it simply wasn’t right for my son, an artist/writer at heart.

• How well-informed are you about parenting skills and approaches that work? How much do you know about developmental stages, in order to understand what behaviors are normal and acceptable at different ages? The more you learn, the more your stepfather stepson relationship will improve.

There’s a lot to consider; if a new stepparent jumps in too fast to the stepfather stepson relationship without preparation, it’s likely to result in real disappointment, and can backfire.  The best course of action is to go slow, to build a connection with your stepson over time.  Be patient and don’t add too much pressure to the situation – developing a stepfamily is really more like cooking a meal in a crockpot as opposed to a blender! If possible, relax into your role, and don’t expect too much too soon.

So what is the appropriate role of the stepfather?  That’s a complex question, actually – and each family needs to find their own way.  It is important that the children see the couple as a unit, as the two heads of the household.  The couple needs to show their strength, and in subtle ways communicate to the children that this union is here to stay.   Until this happens, your stepson might be more hesitant to let you in, and will sometimes do whatever he can to create problems in your new relationship.  And anyone who is in a stepfamily recognizes the power of the children to do that!

The stepfather stepson relationship is simply different from the father son relationship.  You may as well know, early on, that you will never become a true parent to him.  You cannot create that biological bond – relatedness does matter.  And the more involved the other parent is in their life, the more your role needs to differ from that of the parent.

Barbara has told me that she has lots of questions for me about stepdads, that I’ll be answering. Some of these are: How should a stepdad get into discipline? What to do when his stepchild says “You’re not my father!” What are the biggest mistakes that stepdads make?

Father’s Day is for Stedads too! How will you be celebrating? Are you initiating honoring him by your children? How are you handling Father’s Day in your home if the kids go back and forth? Tune into the show – I’ll be going on at 3:30pm PST and you can stream the show by going to http://www.970kvwm.com/…. “See” you then!

Much depends on the age of the stepdaughter when you become a stepdad, the relationship she has with her father, and your parenting style vis-a-vis your wife’s style.  In this article, we’ll look at some of the most important considerations.

Prepare for Rejection
Don’t be taken aback if you stepdaughter says something to you that implies she doesn’t accept you, or if she declares (perhaps emotionally) that you’re not her father.  This is a normal part of the process, and she feels the importance of keeping intact the primacy of her father in her life.  It’s far better to agree that you’re not her father, and that you don’t have any intention to take over her father’s role in her life.  Don’t take any rejection personally.  In early stages of the stepfather stepdaughter relationship, the stepdaughter needs to test the boundaries and make sure that she’s not being disloyal to her father.  In some developmental stages, it’s difficult for children to enlarge their circle of love (which is why little girls often feel they have to push aside one friend to make room for another).  Your making it clear that you honor her relationship with her father takes the conflict out, so that she is relieved of feeling “caught in the middle”.

Take it Slow!
Focus first on getting to know your stepdaughter, and developing a positive relationship.  At the same time, make sure that she gets some exclusive time with her mother, without your being in the picture.  Here’s a good time to enjoy your own activities that the girls are not interested in… sports on TV, hobbies, time out with the guys!  The stepfather stepdaughter relationship will be more harmonious if it’s allowed to develop naturally rather than in a forced way.

The Issue of Authority
You may feel it’s important to establish your authority in the home, and find it very disconcerting if your stepdaughter does not seem to respect your authority.  This is an important point, and things can go into a negative spiral if it’s not handled well.  You and your wife need to agree together on how you will set up the rules of the home.  This will involve negotiation and compromise, but your unity on the general structure of the home is important.  Then, your wife and you together should define these rules for your stepdaughter.  Her mother should start by being the main one to enforce the “house rules”, but make clear that you have the authority also – start by being the backup until there is a strong enough stepfather stepdaughter relationship for you to take more control.

Parenting Styles
You and your wife may have different parenting styles, which is a potential source of conflict in the home.  If you have not been a parent before, it might be very helpful for you to take the time to get a little training.  There is some excellent material available (I recommend a book “Raising Responsible Children” by Dr. Dinkmeyer, or Toni Schutta’s  classes, available by going to www.getparentinghelpnow.com.  Understand that it takes time to learn to be a good parent, and that the stepfather stepdaughter relationship will benefit greatly by your willingness to invest that time.  Many of us were raised with parenting styles that are not conducive to best all-around outcomes.  You and your wife need to work together, to come to some agreement about a parenting style that you can both follow.  The benefits will be great for your family, and for any children that you have together in the future.  Too often, parents “wing it”, or parent in the same way that they were parented, without thinking about whether it was positive for them. This is such an important part of family life, and can really affect not only the success of the stepfather stepdaughter relationship, but the overall happiness and success of the children as well.

Learn about Developmental Stages
Especially without a good base of experience, girls can be confounding to understand!  It can be bewildering to figure out a response to the emotional ups and downs that are part of a girl’s repertoire at several developmental stages.  Without good knowledge, it can be difficult to know whether behavior that you’re dealing with falls into the normal range, and what the appropriate response is.  In our course on successful stepfamilies, this important information is covered, and will help to ease some of the complexities of the stepfather stepdaughter relationship.

Create a Relationship That Works for the Two of You
As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, there are a number of factors that will have an impact on what the stepfather stepdaughter relationship will look like in your particular case:

What is the age of your stepdaughter when the stepfamily is formed?
How often is she part of your household – does your wife have full or joint custody?
How much is her father a part of her life?  Is your relationship with him amicable?
What kind of chemistry do have with your her?  Do you naturally like one another?
Do you share interests with your stepdaughter around which the two of you can bond?
How much interest do you have in fathering, and in being part of her life?

My point in listing these factors is that your stepfather stepdaughter relationship will be unique; it is dynamic, and it depends on what both of you want for a relationship.  You’re more likely to have a bond that’s more like a parent if your stepdaughter was very young when you entered her life, and if she sees her dad less often.  On the other hand, if your stepdaughter is already a teenager and is strongly connected to her father, it’s more likely that a successful stepfather role will be “resource” or “friend”.  There’s no one type of stepfather stepdaughter relationship that’s “ideal”.  If the two of you are happy and get along well, the stepfather stepdaughter relationship is successful – whether it is politely respectful but distant, or close and bonded with a great deal of affection.  So, cut yourself some slack; be creative, relax and learn to enjoy your version of a stepfather stepdaughter relationship!

Some of the experiences a new stepdad faces are these:

Feeling like “the outsider” – your wife and her kids have so much shared experience, and talk about the past when you weren’t part of the family.

Not having an easy time relating to or understanding your stepchildren (especially if you don’t have children of your own).

If you do have your own children, but not full-time, you might be experiencing sadness or guilt that your stepkids get more of you than your own children.

You might feel that the stepchildren are out of control, or need more discipline and training, but your wife does not see it the same way, and protects them.

Confused about how to, or whether to take on the role of disciplinarian, and finding that it causes problems between you and the kids, or you and your wife, when you do.

Feel you want more of your wife’s time and attention, but that the stepchildren are always there and wanting her attention.

There should be a guidebook for the new stepdad! He is so little understood, and often feels he should know how to fix the problems in the stepfamily. Sometimes he just backs off, which can further distance him from his wife, and slow the bonding process between him and his stepchildren.

When you understand the what you are going through is common to all new stepdads in your situation, you find that there’s nothing wrong with you! You have just rowed into unfamiliar waters in this role, and need a navigation guide to help you through it…

We offer an online, 6-week course just for that purpose!

Concentrate on your relationship as a couple, and make it strong. Without the couple lasting, you won’t have a family anyway. And the children will get over their resistance to your being a stepdad much better, when they see your relationship with their mother as a lasting, committed one. A strong couple in charge of the home provides the foundation of security they need, especially after going through divorce.

Take time to develop a positive relationship with the children before becoming a disciplinarian. The children will rebel, either outwardly or passively by acting out in other ways, if you take over the disciplinarian role without bonding with them first. If you don’t start with a positive foundation, your efforts will backfire and your relationship with them will suffer on the long-term.

It may seem to you that your wife is too easy on the children, or that their behavior is out of control. This is a big subject. If being a stepdad is your first experience in parenting, please take some time to learn about the developmental stages of children to get a better sense of what’s normal at their ages. Be open to learning, and share your observations with your wife in a constructive way, without blaming. While it can be hard for a protective mom to hear it, it is common in single parent homes for the parent to let go some control to keep everything together. Children in single parent homes may have been given more power in the household than is best for them. Agree together on a plan to change the rules of the household, and make sure your wife has handed over power to you before you take over the role. Then go slowly. The best approach is to come up with a set of house rules as a couple, and have their mom be the one to institute those rules – and you back her up.

Refrain from rushing into being a stepdad with an authoritarian style. Many of us were raised in authoritarian households (“Do what I say because I say so”, accompanied by harsh discipline.), but this style is shown to have poor long term results, compared to an authoritative style (clear and consistent rules, with natural and logical consequences, balanced by warmth and responsiveness). Take the time as a couple to learn more about parenting styles that work. Some excellent systems are available, such as Raising Responsible Kids, Love and Logic, and the old standby, Parent Effectiveness Training. Your being a stepdad who is willing to work together with the mother towards developing effective approaches to the children’s behavior will go a long way towards securing your wife’s support, trust and everlasting appreciation.

If you have no children of your own, being a stepdad may feel like a real outsider position. The others in the family have strong bonds already developed – of blood as well as shared history (as well as stories, memories and inside jokes you’re not a part of). It can be very painful to feel like you’re an outsider who doesn’t fit in. But don’t force it; it is up to the mother to invite you in, and up to you to let the children set the pace for their bonding with you. Building good relationships with the children takes time, and the older they are when you start, the more time it can take. Allow yourself to grow into the role.

If you have children of your own, and you don’t have full custody of them, know that being a stepdad will also be accompanied by some guilt. Here you are being a stepdad to kids who are not your own, while your own children get less of you! Make sure you do what you can to keep your relationship with your own children satisfying as well. The complexities of stepfamily life in a situation where children from each side have different schedules require a tremendous balancing act by the couple.

If you’re wise, you will put aside assumptions and expectations about the children’s personalities, likes and dislikes. My husband had been an avid baseball player as a kid, and also (as a future engineer) shared many hours with his dad building things, working on cars, etc. He came into our marriage thinking that being a stepdad of a boy, he would bond by doing the same things. It didn’t work; my son (who is now a grad student in history and a writer) was neither mechanically inclined nor interested in sports. The two of them didn’t bond until my husband put away his expectations, and learned to see his stepson for who he was. It took time, but the two of them appreciate one another now, and their different personalities enrich our family.

Be easy on yourself. Being a stepdad means unselfishly giving of your financial resources, time, and caring to a child or children who are not your own; it means giving up the privacy and quiet of a life without children for all the havoc they can create. There will be times when you’re resentful, angry or frustrated. Get away a bit, take care of yourself, and be honest with your partner. Being a stepdad is a huge sacrifice, and one that you are making because you love your wife. Let her know how much your appreciation means to you.

The road to stepfamily success necessarily has some bumps in it, and it will present you with more opportunities for learning than you might have imagined. It will also trigger you more often than you’d like, bringing up past unresolved issues from both your childhood and your earlier relationships. If you consider these as opportunities to grow, then you will find that being a stepdad eventually brings great rewards in your life- with your relationship, and with your stepchildren who will appreciate you more and more over time (well, maybe when they grow up! – but that’s how it is with kids).