1.  Monitor your displays of sexuality.

A new marriage brings a sexual aura into the household.  The newlyweds may hug, hold hands, exchange special glances and murmur “sweet nothings”.  They may make obvious efforts to set aside private time behind closes doors.  Adolescents may be inordinately embarrassed by this at a time when they are are managing their own raging hormones, and they may become even more curious about experimenting with sexual behaviors.  Such displays may also set off kids’ negative reactions to the new marriage.  Studies indicate that adolescents in stpefamilies are at greater risk for early sexual experiences.  Monitoring your obvious displays of sexuality may help, as will clearly communicating your family values.

2.  Err on the side of conservatism in dress and privacy.

The sexual atmosphere can be heightened in the household by provocative dress, casual nudity, and inadequate bathroom facilities during peak use times.  Relaxed behavior that did not present a problem in the single family home does create a problem in the stepfamily.  Ensure that all members of the home dress appropriately; and allow each member privacy.  There may be one person who is uncomfortable with a casual attitude around dress and privacy, but is embarrassed to say anything.

3.  Openly discuss the new sibling relationships in the family and expectations for behavior.

The combining of unrelated, sexually mature male and female family members into one household increases the potential for confusion about appropriate roles.  A teenage girl might wonder if the attractive new boy in the home is going to be a brother or a possible boyfriend.  A teenage boy may wonder if he’s supposed to make romantic overtures to prove his manliness.  Many adolescents are tempted to translate their curiosity or frustration into romantic experimentation with similarly confused stepsiblings.

Amid the confusion, there may be legal issues to consider.  Family laws vary state by state regarding legal relationships between stepparents and stepchildren, and ages of sexual relationship consent versus rape with a minor  Family laws are typically silent when it comes to relationships between stepsiblings.  It is up to the stepparents to put strong boundaries in place, and to extend the incest taboo across stepfamily lines.  A romantic relationship between stepsiblings can cause serious complications and repercussions.

Parents and stepparents should remain tuned in to the potential for unclear boundaries as children mature, if the stepfamily was formed when children were younger.  Be prepared to discuss sexuality in the stepfamily, and to prevent an additional complication to an already complex family structure!

“Is a stepmom a mom?” This was a question posted by Brenda on the Stepmom Magazine Forum recently, and it inspired over fifty comments and a heated discussion. In an April Stepmom Magazine article, Mary Kelly Williams also addressed this issue; she advised stepmoms to back away from the parental role, and this was probably the most controversial Stepmom Magazine article to date. While there seems to be general agreement that it’s smart for the stepparent to go slowly while taking on the new role, there’s plenty of disagreement about what the long-term goal should be regarding “parental status”.

Perhaps we can shed some light on this controversy by referring to studies that have been done. The National Stepfamily Resource Center published a paper by Susan Gamache, PhD, entitled “Stepparent’s Parental Status as a Central Theme in Stepfamily Living”. Dr. Gamache looked at studies of stepfamilies, reviewing the extent to which the stepparent acted as a parent and was perceived as a parent by the children. Interestingly enough, her review of the literature indicated that about half the number of children living in stepfamilies include the stepparent in the parent category, and half do not. Thus the controversy between two equally-divided camps extends to the children as well!

In my view, the amount of agreement on this issue by the whole stepfamily (including both homes the child is part of), is a primary indicator of overall harmony within that stepfamily. If the parents in the two homes, within the home, and the children, have very different perceptions of the stepparent’s “parental role”, then you can expect ongoing conflict, irreconcilable differences, and eventually, smoldering grievances.

For example, one mom might expect the stepdad to “jump in” when parenting is needed. She might become upset if he tends to stay in the background. But the truth is that these two have different perceptions of his parental status. In another case, a dad who expects his wife to “love his children like they were his own” will struggle with a wife who can’t conjure up that love. This couple sees her parental status differently. And children may rebel against a stepparent who sees him or herself as a parent and takes on the role of disciplinarian; frequently the children’s perception of the stepparent does not accord them that parental status.

Surely this difference is at the bottom of much of the conflict between the mom and stepmom: the stepparent can’t “get” why the parent doesn’t appreciate her contribution to parenting the children. Instead, the mom acts as if the stepmom is usurping her role as parent: often she doesn’t give any parental status to the stepmom in the beginning.
Yet the stepmom, who fulfills many “mom responsibilities” when the children are with her, rightly feels that she should be accorded SOME parental status.

There’s good reason to conclude that there’s no “one size fits all” solution to this issue for stepfamilies. Considering all the possible permutations of stepfamily membership, there are nearly a hundred different subtypes of stepfamilies; there’s no such thing as a “typical” stepfamily. Here are some of the factors that will be conducive to greater or less parental status for the stepparent:

Age of Children at Time of Remarriage
The likelihood of the stepparent effectively taking on the parental role decreases as the age of the children increases. Older adolescents and teens are far less likely to accept the stepparent as a parent, while very young children have an easier time embracing the stepparent as a parent. The stepcouple needs to take this into consideration in the running of their household and in their House Rules.

Complex vs. Simple Stepfamily
If the stepparent also brings a child or children into the family, that person is more likely to be seen in the parental role. In that case, a more balanced parental status can be an advantage in the smooth management of the home. If the stepcouple has a child or children together, then both will have high parental status in the overall family – even though the parental status might be best carried out differently with biological vs. step children.

Perception and Involvement of the Non-Resident Parent
If the stepcouple has primary custody of the children, with little or no involvement of the other parent, then the stepparent by default will take on more parental status. (That situation can change during the course of the child’s growing up, as living arrangements and custody may shift over time). Additionally, with a cooperative parent in the other home who is willing to accept a “team parenting approach”, the stepparent has greater parental status. If, on the other hand, the mom is highly threatened or hostile, the stepmom needs to back off from a high parental status or else face constant hostility and difficult loyalty binds for the children.

Personalities and Chemistries Involved
Some stepparents are more interested in taking on the parental role than others; some jump in enthusiastically with two feet into parenting, while at the other extreme, some courteously tolerate the presence of children as necessary. As long as the family members communicate and adjust to these preferences, either approach can work. Also, personalities and chemistries need to be taken into account – sometimes a child and stepparent “hit it off” immediately, while other pairs never seem to understand each other no matter how long the stepfamily lives together.

Length of Remarriage
The parental status of the stepparent can grow over time as the stepfamily completes its development period, which averages seven years. If all the stars are aligned for it, the couple may agree on a high level of parental status for the stepparent. Even in this case, it is recommended that the stepparent take on this role gradually, letting the child take the lead in the bonding process as he or she feels ready. Going gradually increases the likelihood of success.

The conferences is being sponsored by Ben Franklin Institute on Sept 15-17 at the Paradise Valley Resort in Scottsdale, and it exactly coincides with National Stepfamily Day!  Seems very appropriate to me…. There will be top professionals such as Donald Meichenbaum, PhD, Robert Brooks, PhD, Robert Bertolino PhD and many others.  I’m honored to be in their company, and to speak on an issue which affects so many children.

The sessions will cover a variety of important contemporary issues for the adolescent in today’s world, including Therapy with Teens in the Age of Facebook, Working with Resistant Teens, and Stressors of the iGeneration.  All professionals who work with adolescents, from therapists to school professionals, are encouraged to attend.  Just go to BFISummit.com for info on registering.

I’ll be summarizing some valuable information for you from the conference shortly afterwards.

the Dad in the Stepfamily

I know it sometimes seems that no matter how hard you try, there’s no making everyone happy in your stepfamily – that whoever you please, someone else gets upset!  Does it seem like there’s constant tug of war between your wife and your children – for your priorities, time, money, and loyalty?  It might help you to know that you share this conflict with just about every dad whose relationship forms a stepfamily.  “Being in the middle” goes with the territory, and is known as the loyalty bind.  Here’s the good news: there is a plan you can follow to step out of this loyalty bind – and at the same time, solidify your relationships with your partner and your children!

If your method so far has been to try to please everyone, you may have found that can actually intensify the struggle, in addition to wearing you out.   Though you may try to maintain the image of being “the tough guy” who can handle whatever comes up, the truth is that relationship conflicts are actually harder on you than they are on women.  In Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin cites a National Institute of Mental Health study finding that stepfamily life can be hazardous to the mental health of dads, who show higher levels of stress hormones and depression than dads in traditional families.

After a divorce, most dads have a tendency to want to make things easy on the kids – to do whatever the kids want to do, and to generally let them control things more than they did in your first home. Somehow you a sense that you need to “make up for the divorce” – after all, the children are split into two separate homes, and you might feel it’s not fair to ask much of them, since their lives are disrupted through no fault of their own. The less time they spend with you in your home, the stronger this tendency is.  Truth is, you feel bad for them – and you think the answer is to make them happy at all costs.

Likely, your partner balks at this pattern.  She complains about your leniency; she’s  frustrated about having to deal with the chaos in the home and the extra work it means for her, and she claims the kids are being manipulative, disrespectful, unhelpful or undisciplined.  And you’re thinking:  “Why can’t she just let it go once in awhile?  Why can’t she be nicer to my kids?  Why doesn’t she like them?”

This becomes a downward spiral, whether you take their side or hers.  The important thing to know is this – you don’t have to make a choice.  What you need to do is understand the basics of stepfamily life, and step up to the plate in this tough game.

Take the Helm of the Ship As a Couple
A successful stepfamily requires more communication in order to work, because it’s a more complex system than a first family.  You and your partner need to hammer out together an agreement that includes how you’ll manage your household and the kids. That does NOT mean that your partner takes over for the other parent.  It DOES mean that the two of you develop a set of House Rules for your home that the children are expected to follow.  The children should have an opportunity to provide input but not be given veto power.  It can’t be over-emphasized how important it is for the “executive couple” in the home to show a united front and for you to support your partner.  Once you give her that support, and the authority to enforce the rules the two of you have agreed upon, you can much more easily negotiate time for relaxed, play time and alone time with your kids.  In fact, you can make fun with the kids a part of the House Rules.

In your first marriage, it might have worked well for you to take a “back seat” in matters of rules and household structure, letting their mother take the more powerful role inside the home. In a stepfamily, however, that’s not an option!  If the stepmom attempts to take over that position of power, the kids will really resent her, labelling her the “wicked stepmother”.  The only solution is for you as the father to step up to the plate as primary disciplinarian, and for you to let your children know that they are required to respect their stepmom, and follow the house rules the two of you have put in place.

It will certainly take a process of working this out with your partner, listening to one another, working through your differences, and compromising.  There will still be times you feel defensive and protective of your kids, and times she feels hurt or angry in her position.  There will still be times one of you won’t feel understood.  But with good communication, the couple is on the right track for success now – what about the kids?

Parent From A Place of Strength
If your partner has complained that you are too easy on your kids, that they get away with too much, or are manipulating you, it’s time to look at whether your approach to your kids is laced with an unhealthy dose of guilt. Children have radar for parental guilt, and the ways they respond will lead them not to respect you – but to “work” you.  They will ask for more and more, they’ll make comments to make sure they’ve “gotcha”, and they’ll complain about their stepmom as being the cause of all their problems.  And when they sense any division between you and her, they’ll be sure to side you against her, (against having more responsibility and structure) and they’ll do all they can to undermine your relationship.  When you see this pattern occurring, you can be sure it’s time to dump the guilt and recognize that being “the good guy” to the kids may not be taking them on the road leading to mature adulthood.

Research over the past forty years, initiated by Diane Baumrind, has led to clear findings: children raised with a permissive parenting style suffer long-term from a lack of limits and structure. They are prone to become adults with under-regulated emotions, lowered persistence to challenging tasks, a tendency toward antisocial behavior, and higher levels of insecurity.  The sense of entitlement they pick up from being over-indulged makes them less capable of managing their lives independently as adults.

If you shrink from disciplining your children, you need to act on what you know deep down: your children need a father, and they need discipline. It may be their job to rebel about the limits you give them, but it’s still your job to give them limits.  They also need responsibility and chores, the security of structure, and they need consequences – in a home with healthy doses of both warmth and control.

Stepfamilies are conducive to all kinds of drama, to painful feelings that can tear us apart and wear us down: the sting of being left out or outright rejected; the frustration of hearing a teen stepchild scream “You’re not my mother, you can’t tell me what to do!”; anger with his or her mom, who refuses to make eye contact but expects us to cart her kids to and fro and make healthy meals while they’re on our turf. Understandably, we get mired in the drama, and it feels awfully personal.

It truly is a lifesaver to know that we’re not alone, that stepmoms everywhere are going through similar struggles. And that helps us to take one step back from seeing the reactions of our stepfamily members as a personal vendetta against us. But what I’m recommending is a bigger step backwards, all the way to the upper balcony – to see the stepfamily as a system.

Taking that big step backwards from the role in which we’re cast, from a distance, we
can see predictable patterns emerge in the scenes we’ve been enacting. We then discovery that we’re not the only ones going through predictable pain, that each one in the stepfamily is cast in a role due to features built in to the stepfamily system. These features make certain roles in the stepfamily drama fairly inevitable:

Stepfamilies Form from Loss
By definition, the stepfamily was created over the foundation of a loss of a parent – through separation, divorce or death. Professor E. Mavis Hetherington’s study of families indicates that following divorce, a transition period that lasts about three years is typical. Yet most remarriages occur within two years after divorce. This helps to explain why children in the stepfamily (as well as the ex-spouses) may still be struggling with grief and loss over “the family that was”. Moreover, the impact of their parents’ divorce can have powerful emotional repercussions lasting much longer for many children. No wonder it’s frequent that stepchildren take the position in their role that “you don’t belong in my family”.

Conflict of Loyalty
There’s no such thing as an ex-parent, only an ex-spouse. The child remains biologically and emotionally bound to both parents. All the research indicates it’s when the child has access to both parents and thinks well of both of them, that the best prognosis for the child’ well-being over the long-term results. But every member of the stepfamily (and the supra-stepfamily which includes both the child’s homes), has a tendency to get caught in this loyalty conflict, creating unnecessary protagonist-villain clashes. The child plays the role of siding with the parent in the nonresident home, rejecting the stepparent “for the parent’s sake”; the stepparent has a (sometimes subconscious) desire to be chosen over the other parent; and the parent in the other home feels threatened by the stepparent, acting out this rivalry and wielding inordinate power over the stepfamily.

Vulnerability of the Couple
The bonds between the parent and child pre-date the bond between the couple in a stepfamily, and those bonds just happen to be unconditional and pretty unbreakable. With the loyalty conflict we just described in place, the couple’s relationship starts out in a vulnerable position. The needs of the children, and the roles they find themselves in, are BIG roles in the drama we’re part of, and have a tendency to overpower the needs of the couple. Make sure that the couple role plays a primary one in your household, or your stepfamily drama is more likely to have a tragic ending.

Role Shifts
Actors are trained to move from one role to another with ease (but even they have to avoid being type-cast!). Most of us, however, get pretty identified with our roles, and resist the upheaval that big role changes bring – after all, our ego identifies itself with the roles we take on. In a stepfamily, suddenly everyone undergoes a major role change (or more!). An only child becomes a sibling, a elder child may suddenly become a younger brother or sister, a single woman is an instant parent figure! We forget to take into account the role changes that require understanding and a period of adjustment.

These characteristics of the stepfamily create predictable challenges for each role in the new family. It’s true that the stepmom may have the most ambiguous role, and hers is often the one that gets “dumped on” the most easily. But everyone in the stepfamily is caught in a role that “prescribes” certain reactions and experiences.

Next time you find yourself in face-to-face conflict with someone in your stepfamily system, be it your spouse, stepchild, your own child or the stepchild’s other parent, stop and take a look at it from a different perspective. What role are you playing? What role is the other caught up in? In the fracas of life, we forget to take notice. A little empathy for those in your family who are also acting out a role, unaware that they are identifying with it, can go a long way towards moving your family into another, more peaceful act in Stepfamily Drama.

Here are some feelings the stepchildren often have; do you recognize these?

You feel you’ve lost the special bond with your mom/dad since they’ve become loyal to your step-parent.

You don’t feel your stepmom or stepdad understands you (or doesn’t like you, or wants to make it hard on you).

You feel like your new stepparent gets all the special time with your mom/dad, and you can’t get to them as you used to.

You don’t know what is expected of you in the home now – things are different.

You feel like a stranger has taken over your home.

The rules have changed because the new stepmom/stepdad has influenced your parent.

You constantly compare your new stepparent to your other parent, and the step-parent is just not as good.

OR your other parent says bad things about your step-parent, and you feel stuck in the middle.

You’re angry about all the changes.

You suddenly have a new stepbrother or stepsister and it’s not going well.

These are NORMAL reactions for the stepchildren to go through.  You are not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with you!  Too often, the parents and stepparents are not paying enough attention to the stepchildren’s feelings.  You probably want things to work out in the end, and want everyone to be happy.  But it’s hard to just go along with all the changes, especially if nobody’s listening to you.

The stepchildren need to know that the parents are going through a lot too!  BUT if they can learn more about how to make things work for themselves and for the stepchildren, everyone in the stepfamily can be happier!

Tell them about this 6-week course, Creating A Successful Stepfamily.

Within a month, my husband and I were meeting in the kitchen during turmoil – filled evenings, asking one another, “What have we gotten ourselves into?”  Our children were doing their best to play us off one against the other, and we were buying right into the “my kid vs. your kid” ploy.  Our perfect family of four was spiraling downward fast!

Another expectation, both by the father remarried and the mother remarried, is the idea that “you love me, so you’ll love my child(ren)”.  Again, we have high hopes of creating a loving family, expecting that the stepparent will simply pick up the role of the parent, and that the children involved will accept the stepmom or stepdad in that role.  Unfortunately, the biological bond that we have with our own child isn’t automatically transferred to an unrelated child, just because they happen to live under the same roof and be strongly connected to the person we’ve committed to live our life with.  A loving bond can and often does build, but in the case of a stepfamily, that bond is best built slowly and carefully, rather than assumed.

In our case, both of these situations improved over time, but much heartache could have been prevented if we had not made assumptions that got us into a heap of trouble.  My husband, a father remarried, and I, as a mother remarried, learned the value of couple strength.  In our remarriage, we began to make agreements together so that we provided a united front to our children.  Over time we stopped taking sides and they stopped trying to pull us apart.    And through the “acts of love” that are part of the stepmom role, and learning to appreciate her unique qualities, I found that my love for my stepdaughter grew.

One of the causes for the poor statistics for fathers remarried and mothers remarried is the unrealistic expectations we take into our second marriage.  Unrealistic expectations can wreak havoc on a new, fragile family.  The rules of living in a merged family are different than the rules of an intact family.  In our society, there is little preparation given for understanding the dynamics in stepfamilies.  Training is needed by nearly 100% of new stepfamilies, but less than 5% get the help they need.  The dynamics are predictable and well-researched, but not generally understood.

Often, it’s a shock when the dating process ends (everything was going so well!) and everyone moves under the same roof as a family.  Suddenly, a whole new paradigm is in place, and both the father remarried and the mother remarried might find that they are on shaky ground.  If things are not as smooth as you expected them to be, you probably had some unrealistic expectations.

Getting some coaching or training can help you to develop a more realistic approach to your stepfamily that works better – the course Creating a Successful Stepfamily can give you the tools you need, as a father remarried or a mother remarried, to set your family on the right track.

This has been my thinking.  I’m nearly twenty years into a stepfamily that’s actually a delightful family now.  But it surely wasn’t delightful in the beginning. Like almost all stepfamilies, we didn’t have a clue what we were getting into – or we were in denial, putting all our focus on the “happily ever after” ideal image that was in our heads.

We went into our marriage with one child each (7 and 9 years old at the time) – which made for two very neat camps when the children fought – two mini-families at war, in a quick downward spiral.  To top that off, I jumped in too fast as a stepmom trying to run a tight ship,  and quickly won the “wicked stepmother” award in our home.  My son didn’t accept my husband, and a wall built of misunderstanding built up between stepdad and stepson …  Painful years of struggle!  And unfortunately, oh too common!

Eventually, I trained with the Stepfamily Foundation to work with stepfamilies, and learned all about how stepfamilies operate differently from first families.  As a social psychologist, I couldn’t help but see a set of patterns emerge.  As I shared them, the stepmoms I worked with started to feel more like normal people coping with navigating a very foreign territory.  It turned out that knowing the “operating rules” for stepfamilies took the edge off, and considerably shortened, their learning curve.  And when I shared these “operating rules” with stepmoms who had made it “to the other side”, there was an overwhelming chorus of “I wish I’d had that when I started out”.

There’s an emphasis on the stepmom’s experience now (it’s well-deserved, because most of the research shows that her experience tends to be the toughest in the stepfamily).  But the best way to make a positive shift in the family is to look at it as a whole – as a living, interacting system of people, each of whom plays a particular part in the stepfamily drama.  Each role in the stepfamily comes with a set of challenges, a set of complaints, a set of changes to go through.  And the set of challenges, complaints and changes are strikingly common experiences to all those playing that particular role.

I have found that providing training and guidance for stepfamily members can begin to turn a stepfamily around pretty quickly, whether they’re in the beginning stages of upheaval or well into the mire of stepfamily challenges.  The course I’ve developed,  Creating a Successful Stepfamily, goes through a step-by-step process that helps any member of a stepfamily to step out of their limited perspective and start to see the whole picture.  It becomes possible to become aware of and let go of unspoken but crushing expectations… to open up one’s perspective so that the other members of the stepfamily system can take on human characteristics again – and not be so boxed into the stereotypes they’ve been encased in.

Where did we get the idea that we were supposed to know how to make a stepfamily work all on our own?  Even though the stepfamily has been a common family form for much longer than people realize, we don’t have a positive cultural norms for it, or a   general understanding of how to make it work effectively.  I don’t know about you, but “they” didn’t tell me how to do it right!

I decided to something about this serious lack of training.  There are two statistics that  just scream to me:  as of 2010, the number of stepfamilies is expected to surpass that of  first families; and less than a third of stepfamilies make it!  Most manufacturers have instituted six sigma programs to reduce failure rates to far less than one percent – but we’re accepting a failure rate of 70% in something as important as our most prevalent family type… Are we mad??

It’s time to institute expert training – bringing in up-to-date research knowledge and a bird’s eye view, to train people in how the stepfamily system works.  Creating a Successful Stepfamily brings in this broader view, and synthesizes the best information from both of the most respected organizations in the field: the Stepfamily Foundation and the National Stepfamily Resource Center, as well as the newest and best literature on the topic.  Importantly, it’s taught by someone who’s been there, and done it- successfully.

I am very happy to say that my family beat the statistics, because I adore my family.  Maybe because stepfamilies can be so hard, it’s tremendously gratifying to make it to the success line (here’s a happy research finding: once stepfamilies make it to the 5-year mark, they’re the most stable family type around!).  I got a phone call from my stepdaughter today in France, telling me about some exciting European adventures ahead.. and afterwards my head was spinning with so much joy for her I realized I couldn’t be happier if she was my own daughter…  And my son and my husband now have tremendous mutual appreciation, and the bond between them continues to grow.

Once you learn the rules of the stepfamily, playing the game can be great fun!  See http://stepmomsos.com/online-course/

Since it’s Valentines Day, I’ve been thinking of commitment in my own marriage, especially because this week one of my client couples filed for divorce.  It was clear that the commitment wasn’t there.  It was really painful for me to see this happen, but I knew I couldn’t “make” them commit to one another.  When challenges occur, or when a couple fights, the difference between a committed stepcouple and a stepcouple that haven’t fully committed come to the surface.  In the couple I just referred to, fights often degenerated into threats to break up (which eventually, and perhaps inevitably, happened).  In my own marriage, fortunately based on an abiding commitment, I can’t remember a time when the “d” word was thrown into a fight.  There’s simply a knowing that we will work through the issue at hand.

You have probably come across Goethe’s short essay on this subject, entitled “On Commitment”:

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness, concerning all acts of initiative and creation.  There is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.  A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.  Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.  Begin it now.”

I imagine most of us have been inspired by these words, and applied them to some undertaking in life, hopefully with good results.  However, what would be the result if you applied these words to your marriage?  How might the seemingly impossible conflicts be resolved?  What would happen if you chose to quit complaining (to others or yourself) about your spouse’s weaknesses in the stepfamily, and focused instead on working together as a committed team?  When there is strife between the stepparent and stepchild, how might you see it differently?

Here’s a challenge to all of you in stepcouples: print out the quote by Goethe and start to muse upon the possibilities that you might discover once you really commit to one another.  You might find that “boldness has genius, power and magic in it”, and that “all sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred!