We have so stereotyped the stepmother that it’s worthwhile to look at who the real stepmom is. In Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin explores the issue of why the real stepmom thinks, feels, and acts as she does, in depth.

She writes:

“Who are stepmothers? Real people, of course. Quite often, we are women in tough situations, trying to do our best with stepchildren who resent us and partners who, though well-meaning, are likely to minimize the problems we face and perhaps even undermine our efforts.

But we are something else as well, something more. Being a stepmother means being part person and part icon, living on the dis-orienting edge of what is imaginary and what is real. We may do the grocery shopping, but we are also potent and frightening signifiers from history and myth.

In our gossip, movies, myths, and collective cultural history, the stepmother emerges in various guises – gold digger, death dealer, witch, bitch over and over again. In the late 1800’s folklorists identified nearly 350 versions of the Cinderella story alone…The wicked stepmother, it seems, like the incest taboo and the fear of snakes, is a cultural universal, easily recognized and justifiably loathed.”

This is quite a cultural overlay on the life of the real stepmom, and a tremendous set of negative images to overcome. It stacks the cards squarely against her, and insures that her road will be an uphill one. Let’s separate some of these myths from the reality that the real stepmom faces. Dr. Martin outlines five universal dilemmas in a stepfamily:

You’re not my mother! It seems the child has a need to reject the stepmother, and to make it very clear that she is an outsider and not really part of the family.

The phase of rejection of the stepmom is real, and can be a harbinger of her becoming the “wicked stepmother” if two things happen: If the real stepmom takes the rejection personally, and either withdraws or tries too hard to overcome it; and if her husband does not back her up and make it clear to the stepchild(ren) that she is in the family to stay.

Once that fact is accepted by the child, a relationship can begin to be built. But it remains true that you are not his or her mother, and will never have that same bond.

The myth of the blended family. The real stepmom knows that the stepfamily will not truly blend into a unit that looks the same as a cohesive, nuclear family. Jeannette Lofas of the Stepfamily Foundation says that stepfamiles don’t blend, they collide!

So, it can help to examine expectations, both spoken and unspoken, and recognize that the real stepfamily can be its own creation, without trying to fit into an idealized conception. The real stepmom, who often the most emotionally invested in how the family bonds, is the person who can be the catalyst in helping to define a stepfamily that works for the unique set of people involved.

The myth of the maternal stepmother. Society’s expectation is that a woman in the role of stepmother should automatically feel love for her stepchildren. The real stepmom knows this is not true, at least not the automatic part.

Her ability to tolerate her stepchild’s mess, misbehavior and minor (or major) quirks will not come as easily as it might to that child’s mom. It took me years of feeling that I “should” love my stepdaughter the way I loved my son, before accepting myself for feeling differently about the two of them.

I have built the love I have now for my stepdaughter, through effort, sacrifice and learning to understand her. The understanding of our biological children comes more naturally, because they share part of our DNA.

Difficult developmental stages. Throughout the period of growing up, children go through difficult developmental stages – the terrible twos, awkward adolescence, and the tumultuous teens – and more. Depending on the stage the children are in when the stepfamily begins, the real stepmom faces particular challenges.

These stages are hard enough on the parent, but since the stepmom has not had the benefit of bonding at earlier stages when they were at more undeniably precious, she is at a loss for dealing with tantrums or fits of other kinds, especially when they are directed at her. Unfortunately, the stepmom is an easy target. The real stepmom gets lots of practice in not taking things personally, and would benefit from learning all she can about developmental stages of children.

Competition. Jealousy and envy brings out the worst in everyone, and that includes the stepchildren and the real stepmom. It can seem to the dad that he is stuck in the middle, trying to meet the demands of his children, his wife, and often his ex-wife as well. Especially in the newly formed stepfamily, it seems that everyone’s interests are at odds with another’s.

There is a rivalry between the stepmom and the stepchild that is probably at the core of the cultural stereotypes of the stepmother – rivalry over time, money, love and affection. The real stepmom faces a balancing act that constantly needs juggling, allocating resources to insure that her marriage is nurtured and that the children’s needs are met as well.

These dilemmas are only part of the overall picture of stepfamily life for the real stepmom.

Add to these, the unpredictable changes in the composition of the family that come as children’s visitation schedules shift, or as they change their primary residence from one parent’s home to the other – often changes that she has little control over without being at risk of being considered “stepmonster”. The most difficult part of the real stepmom’s experience might be the overall lack of control she must learn to cope with.

As more and more real stepmoms speak out about their real experience, and more experts recognize what the real stepmom faces, we will have a better and better chance of demystifying the stepmother role, and providing the real stepmom with information that can truly help her with a tough role.

To make your stepfamily life a great success, visit the online course offered by StepMomSOS.

• Stepmom’s and Stepdaughter’s Relationship – Can it be as Dynamic as it could be?

• How to Successfully improve stepmom and stepdaughter’s relationship

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Stepmom’s and Stepdaughter’s Relationship – Can it be as dynamic as it could be?

Almost nineteen years into a stepmom stepdaughter relationship, I well know that this can be one of the touchiest – and potentially most difficult – relationships in the stepfamily.

In our stepmom stepdaughter relationship, we found our way through to acceptance and appreciation of one another, but it was a pretty circuitous route, and it was fraught with a number of mis-steps.

In Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin reports that to complicate matters, many books on stepmothering give bad advice that perpetuate two destructive myths: the myth of the blended family and the myth of the maternal stepmother. She summarizes this advice:

• Remember that his kids will always come first

• Leave the disciplining to him

• You will regret it forever if you lose your temper or say something nasty to your stepchildren, so   whatever you do, don’t

• With patience and love, they will come around.

The truth is, after a divorce, the daughter often has her dad “all to herself” when they are together, and their lifestyle can often be dominated by her needs and desires. The daughter learns well how to get what she wants from dad, and the guilt he feels about the divorce often fuels his tendency to give, give, give and expect little in return.

It is often not a balanced relationship with regard to healthy parent-child relations, and she may not be getting the discipline and structure that are needed.  The same complication can easily set in with mothers and sons, as well as dads and sons but this article is about the stepmom stepdaughter relationship.

How to successfully improve stepmom’s and stepdaughter’s relationship

Enter the stepmom, into an icy atmosphere of “daddy belongs to me; I don’t want to share him!” If the daughter’s father follows the first piece of advice “my kids will always come first”, then the stepmom stepdaughter relationship will be frozen, unable to flower, and the stepcouple will be beholden to the daughter’s approval every step of the way.

This will drive a wedge between the couple, and if allowed to build, another breakup is on the horizon. Certainly, the daughter’s needs are important, and her feeling of grief over losing her primacy in her dad’s life needs to be acknowledged.

But if her father does not in some way let his daughter know that, as special as she is to him, he is committed to his partnership, then the daughter has an unbalanced level of power in the family that will have a negative outcome for her in the long run, and for the family.

The second piece of advice, leave the disciplining to him, can also create tremendous havoc in the stepmom stepdaughter department. Commonly, in the household after divorce, the dad working to make ends meet, managing a household without help, going through his own pain after the divorce, and trying to be both dad and mom,  has understandably put structuring the home life pretty far down on his priority list.

Expecting good manners, getting the family at the table together for nutritious meals, rules about homework, TV etc. might have escaped him as he tried to juggle single parenthood.

The dad’s awareness, on some level, of the need for structure in the home may well have been part of the drive to remarry to find a helpmate. And so he brings in a woman and expects her to structure the household at least traditionally, that’s part of what a wife does, isn’t it?

But how can it be done without her having any authority? If all the discipline is left to him, then the stepmom is completely stifled, with no power to do what it takes to make the household run well. If she does take over without his blessing, she becomes the wicked stepmother.

And, how is she to act when the stepdaughter misbehaves and her dad is not around? This puts her in an impossible situation. A plan for compassionate and effective discipline, developed by the stepcouple, and a gradual handover of authority to the stepmom must be done, and must be done by the dad. Then the stepmom stepdaughter relationship can take hold in a way that puts the adult-child relationship in an appropriate power position.

“You’re not my mother!” What stepmom has not heard that? It happens to be the truth. There’s nothing to take personally here. The calm response, “No, I’m not, and I’m not trying to be your mother. But in this house, we have a rule that TV watching comes after homework and baths” or whatever the rule may be. As long as she knows she’s gbacked up by her husband or partner, this will diffuse a negative cycle in the stepmom stepdaughter relationship.

It’s true that as a stepmom, you will sometimes say things that you will regret afterwards. But the last thing you want to do is hold in all your anger, resentment and frustration with no place for it to go. It will come out, and come out it will, either in your relationship with your partner, in your health and well-being, or in your stepmom stepdaughter relationship as well.

Feelings buried alive never die. It’s very important for you to find a release for your feelings, and to work through the issues involved – through counseling, through a course LINK, or a forum. It might be best to work through them to some degree before unloading on your partner, as it can be pretty hard for a dad to see his daughter objectively.

If the two of you have made an effort to understand what it takes to make a successful stepfamily, you will be better equipped to work through these feelings successfully together.

The last piece of advice, with patience and love they will come around, describes a successful outcome of the stepmom stepdaughter relationship – but not all stories end happily ever after. It is more likely to be the result if you have taken the steps to strengthen your own partnership, learned to listen to your stepdaughter’s feelings without becoming defensive, and expressed your own feelings constructively.

And it’s more likely to happen if you have forged a relationship with her by spending enjoyable time together, gotten to know and appreciate her, do for her in a balanced way, and been encouraging to her in her own unique strengths.

It was not until I sat side by side with my stepdaughter, encouraging her in the long process of applying to colleges and scholarships that I felt our relationship, truly flourish – finally, I was able to appreciate her for who she was – and this role (which I was best suited for among her three parents) had the effect of opening my heart to her.

Does it sound like a tall order to put all this into your relationship with your stepdaughter, with no guarantee of success? It is, and there’s no compulsion to do it this way; what works for you and your stepfamily will be your own creation.

The two of you may be more comfortable with a more distant yet respectful relationship – and that can be harmonious as well. The stepmother stepdaughter relationship, when successful, is one that will provide you with much joy and satisfaction and will nurture your relationship with your partner as well.

To get some help in understanding the role of stepmom with her stepdaughter, see the online course offered by StepmomSOS.

Who are the Real Stepmothers

Stepmom Myths

Encounter Difficulties being a Stepmom

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We have so stereotyped the stepmother that it’s worthwhile to look at who the real stepmom is.  In Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin explores the issue of why the real stepmom thinks, feels, and acts as she does, in depth.

She writes:

“Who are stepmothers?  Real people, of course.  Quite often, we are women in tough situations, trying to do our best with stepchildren who resent us and partners who, though well-meaning, are likely to minimize the problems we face and perhaps even undermine our efforts.

But we are something else as well, something more.  Being a stepmother means being part person and part icon, living on the dis-orienting edge of what is imaginary and what is real.

We may do the grocery shopping, but we are also potent and frightening signifiers from history and myth.  In our gossip, movies, myths, and collective cultural history, the stepmother emerges in various guises – gold digger, death dealer, witch, bitch – over and over again.

In the late 1800’s folklorists identified nearly 350 versions of the Cinderella story alone…The wicked stepmother, it seems, like the incest taboo and the fear of snakes, is a cultural universal, easily recognized and justifiably loathed.”

This is quite a cultural overlay on the life of the real stepmom, and a tremendous set of negative images to overcome.  It stacks the cards squarely against her, and insures that her road will be an uphill one.

• Stepmom Myths

Let’s separate some of these myths from the reality that the real stepmom faces.  Dr. Martin outlines five universal dilemmas in a stepfamily:

You’re not my mother! It seems the child has a need to reject the stepmother, and to make it very clear that she is an outsider and not really part of the family.

The phase of rejection of the stepmom is real, and can be a harbinger of her becoming the “wicked stepmother” if two things happen: If the real stepmom takes the rejection personally, and either withdraws or tries too hard to overcome it; and if her husband does not back her up and make it clear to the stepchild(ren) that she is in the family to stay.

Once that fact is accepted by the child, a relationship can begin to be built.  But it remains true that you are not his or her mother, and will never have that same bond.

The myth of the blended family.  The real stepmom knows that the stepfamily will not truly blend into a unit that looks the same as a cohesive, nuclear family.  Jeannette Lofas of the Stepfamily Foundation says that stepfamiles don’t blend, they collide!

So, it can help to examine expectations, both spoken and unspoken, and recognize that the real stepfamily can be its own creation, without trying to fit into an idealized conception.  The real stepmom, who often the most emotionally invested in how the family bonds, is the person who can be the catalyst in helping to define a stepfamily that works for the unique set of people involved.
The myth of the maternal stepmother.  Society’s expectation is that a woman in the role of stepmother should automatically feel love for her stepchildren.  The real stepmom knows this is not true, at least not the automatic part.

Her ability to tolerate her stepchild’s mess, misbehavior and minor (or major) quirks will not come as easily as it might to that child’s mom.  It took me years of feeling that I “should” love my stepdaughter the way I loved my son, before accepting myself for feeling differently about the two of them.

I have built the love I have now for my stepdaughter, through effort, sacrifice and learning to understand her.  The understanding of our biological children comes more naturally, because they share part of our DNA.

• Encounter Difficulties being a Stepmom

Difficult developmental stages.  Throughout the period of growing up, children go through difficult developmental stages – the terrible twos, awkward adolescence, and the tumultuous teens – and more.  Depending on the stage the children are in when the stepfamily begins, the real stepmom faces particular challenges.

These stages are hard enough on the parent, but since the stepmom has not had the benefit of bonding at earlier stages when they were at more undeniably precious, she is at a loss for dealing with tantrums or fits of other kinds, especially when they are directed at her.

Unfortunately, the stepmom is an easy target.  The real stepmom gets lots of practice in not taking things personally, and would benefit from learning all she can about developmental stages of children.

Competition.  Jealousy and envy brings out the worst in everyone, and that includes the stepchildren and the real stepmom.  It can seem to the dad that he is stuck in the middle, trying to meet the demands of his children, his wife, and often his ex-wife as well.

Especially in the newly formed stepfamily, it seems that everyone’s interests are at odds with another’s.  There is a rivalry between the stepmom and the stepchild that  is probably at the core of the cultural stereotypes of the stepmother – rivalry over time, money, love and affection.

The real stepmom faces a balancing act that constantly needs juggling – allocating resources to insure that her marriage is nurtured and that the children’s needs are met as well.

These dilemmas are only part of the overall picture of stepfamily life for the real stepmom.  Add to these, the unpredictable changes in the composition of the family that come as children’s visitation schedules shift, or as they change their primary residence from one parent’s home to the other often changes that she has little control over without being at risk of being considered “stepmonster”.

The most difficult part of the real stepmom’s experience might be the overall lack of control she must learn to cope with.

As more and more real stepmoms speak out about their real experience, and more experts recognize what the real stepmom faces, we will have a better and better chance of demystifying the stepmother role, and providing the real stepmom with information that can truly help her with a tough role.

As The Stepmom:

Do you feel like “an outsider” in the home, with everyone else sharing the same past?

Do you feel that your spouse does not give you the support you need?

Do you feel like you don’t have a say in the kids’ discipline or rules of the house?

Do you feel disrespected or disliked by the stepchildren?

Do you feel overwhelmed by all there is to do, and no time for yourself?

Do you feel unappreciated; you do everything a mom does, but get no credit?

Do you want to take your child’s side against the stepchild’s?

Does it seem that your husband gives too much time or is too lenient with his kids?

Do you worry about whether your relationship can get through this?

Does it feel like the kids are rivals against you for their dad’s time, love and affection?

Do you feel like you can’t learn all there is to know about being a parent?

Is your husband’s ex making it harder for you than it needs to be?

Know that these are the feelings the stepmom faces in most stepfamilies! They are NORMAL reactions of the stepmom to the structure of a stepfamily. You are not alone – these experiences and feelings are common to stepmoms. How do you deal with them, and how do you make your stepfamily successful? If you’re finding the stepmom role to be a hard role to manage, start by learning all you can of the basics. Look into the 6-week online course Creating a Successful Stepfamily.

Being a stepmom has a heavy cultural overlay that must be overcome if she is to meet with love, acceptance or even basic respect; and that is the stereotype of the Wicked Stepmother. The evil stepmother is a well-known character in fairy tales going back centuries – Cinderella, Snow White and Hansel and Gretel, to name just a few. Because this myth is embedded in the subconscious mind of our culture, it is often assumed by the children in a new stepfamily to have some truth in it. Too often, when the word “stepmother” is uttered, the first word associated with it, subconsciously, is a scary or negative one.

If the father of the children remains passive when his child or children act with resentment or hostility towards her, that’s when being a stepmom can result in her association with the myth of the evil stepmother becoming “hard-wired”. That’s when the kids feel justified in their opinion of the stepmother, since his not backing her up is taken as tacit approval of (or agreement with) their behavior. True, the biological dad may be feeling a good deal of conflict about being stuck in the middle between his wife and his child(ren) – and perhaps his ex as well. But this conflict must be faced and worked through, otherwise the chances of this stepfamily’s success will decline, as this situation spirals downward.

Being a stepmom can be a thankless job, too. If there is a joint custody situation, she’s often expected to do all the things that their mom would do (carting the kids around, cooking, cleaning and doing their laundry, helping with homework, and on an on), but somehow she doesn’t receive the credit or appreciation. This is another, opposite cultural expectation of the stepmom, (swinging to the opposite side of the pendulum from the evil stepmother) that she should put the children first “no matter what”, denying her needs and feelings to make everything comfortable and easy for her stepkids. If you find yourself being a stepmom in this category, who bends over backwards to “do for them” and get them to love you, you might wear yourself out with exhaustion, and find resentment building under the surface, which eventually must erupt.

I often hear women who have thrown themselves into this image of being a stepmom, whisper that their stepchildren have told them they wish she were their mom instead, or say with great satisfaction that the stepchild gets along better with her than with their real mom.  I admit to having done this on occasion too.  While it is a help for the children to have another adult resource when their relationship with their parent is unsatisfying, that sense of rivalry with the biological mother promotes an artificial relationship and will eventually create a problem of some sort – unless it can be done without the comparison, where the stepmom wants to come out “on top”.

Neither the evil stepmother or the perfect stepmom are acceptable ways of being a stepmom. In my case, I was pretty determined to have a family that functioned well and generally got along.  I wasn’t willing to continue being seen as the evil stepmother (although I did wear that hat for a period of time – mostly putting up with sideways rejection, anger and sullenness).  I wasn’t willing to give up, accepting a distant or hostile relationship with my stepdaughter.  Nor was I willing to offer “I’ll do everything for you and give you everything you want”.  Heck, I had just come out of being a single mother for nine years, having to be both mom and dad, and I wasn’t going to get into another long-term situation of doing it all.  I had worked hard to train my son to be a “cooperative member of the household”, and I wasn’t going to give up on that plan – and I just don’t make a good doormat.
So I took a third alternative – and I am suggesting this one for other courageous souls, who are willing to get their hands dirty a bit in relationships, and who are willing to make some (occasionally ugly) mistakes along the way.  Sometimes it seemed we were going backwards instead of forwards when I told the truth about how I felt – but in the long run it would spiral up again…

This way of being a stepmom requires good communication and honesty – and lots of it. And it must be managed in a positive way. Most importantly, the stepcouple must understand the importance of the strength of their relationship to the success of the stepfamily. As Susan Wisdom says in her book, Stepcoupling, the couple is the foundation and the glue of the family. The couple must do what it takes to understand one another’s side of the conflict and work through it. They must find a way to support one another and let the children know that both are committed to one another and making their marriage work.

And then being a stepmom is about being real.  I had to learn to express myself and to listen to the other members of the stepfamily express themselves. Sometimes it wasn’t as pretty as I wanted it to be, and sometimes my “I” statements had a little undercurrent of attack in them.  But express I did, and I encouraged them to express too (my stepdaughter would say I got defensive when she expressed – and she’d be right).  Yet those in my stepfamily knew, deep down, that I was trying.  And I knew that they were trying too.  And gradually, we worked our way through the conflict and the ugly feelings and forged relationships that are real – and meaningful.  It took a lot of work, a lot of time, a lot of developing communication skills, and a lot of courage.  Still there are some “stepfamily growing pains” that we’ll never see eye-to-eye on.  We leave those aside, mostly now, and focus on the positive good in our relationships.

So, being a stepmom is an opportunity – in becoming stepmom, you have taken on a very complicated challenge. It’s a challenge that can be a tremendous opportunity to learn the skills it takes to forge a real understanding with your husband, and to find the balance that’s right for you with your stepchildren. Your family has to find its unique balance. Throw out the stereotypes on both sides, and roll up your sleeves!