But you know that it harms your children.  Divorce hurts, and often has more devastating effects than we’d like to acknowledge.  But truthfully, the greater harm comes after the divorce, if the divorced parents remain in conflict with one another.
Unfortunately, about 60% of divorces can be characterized as high-conflict divorces.

Research shows that children who experience ongoing post-divorce conflict have significantly more negative outcomes following divorce.  When parents divorce, a child’s life is split in two, and he or she have many adjustments to make in living arrangements, schedules, etc.  When the parents continue to spew their anger on the other, constantly bathing the child in their venom, that’s when the worst damage is done to the child.

On the other hand, some parents have the maturity to set aside their differences, and agree to a parenting plan that is designed in the best interests of the children.  Then children are found to be resilient and have far better outcomes of divorce. Parents, though they have differences, can put them aside and become partners in the raising of the child(ren).  The relationship is changed from marriage, if you will, to a temporary business partnership, where the business is helping the child to become all that he or she can.

Those who bad-mouth think they’re hurting the ex-spouse, but they’re hurting their child!
The child NEEDS to love and honor both parents to feel complete as an adult.

When I became divorced, my ex and I managed to remain on pretty good terms throughout the divorce and afterwards.  This resulted in a good co-parenting arrangement, and a very strong bond between my son and his dad.  We didn’t agree on everything by any means on how my son should be raised, but I had a natural sense that 1. his dad loved him; 2.  he wasn’t being seriously harmed by the differences, and 3. the harmony was more important than having my way about everything…

But when I re-married 9 years later, things were very different between my husband and his ex-wife!  We went through pretty extreme difficulties and lack of cooperation for a long time.

I knew enough not to say outright ugly things, but I know my resentment/anger came through.  So it can be subtle!  When you catch yourself about to make a disparaging remark, or you hear the resentment or anger in your tone of voice, it helps to actually force yourself to say something kind that you can muster as true (you may have to do some preparation ahead of time for when these kinds of things come up!)

What can you do about badmouthing?

You be first to do the work to get through your anger and leftover feelings.  This is a tall order, but your healing will start a ripple effect that cascades throughout the family and will impact the ex as well.
Introspect to see if your desire to be RIGHT is getting in the way:  what’s it really worth to you?  Being right might have quite a cost.  Will you destroy your child to be right?

If it’s coming from your ex-spouse or your partner’s ex:

A. IF there is decent communication, ask them to read this article to understand the     harm they are doing – and make an agreement to stop together.  If the child is     complaining about it or obviously suffering from that no-win position of being “in     the middle”, you want your ex-spouse to realize that there are a host of problems     that this can lead to.  (Here I am assuming the other parent loves the child, and is     simply misguided or stuck in their issues and hurting the child un-knowingly.  One     way to think of it is this:  the child’s DNA comes from half of each biological     parent.  When someone disparages one’s parent, in some subconscious way, it
is a criticism of the child – the child takes it to heart, believing in some way he or
she is partly “no-good”.

B. Enlist a trusted friend or relative (if you have a mother-in-law, sister, brother,     common friend) have them explain what this is doing to your child.

C.  If there’s good communication between your child and the other parent, your     child might feel comfortable having this conversation with the parent who’s doing     the bad-mouthing.  Here are the steps in that talk (practice with him/her):
mom/dad, I love you.
I want you to know how much it hurts me and makes me feel awful when you say bad things about mom/dad
You know I came from you, but I came from him/her too- no matter what, I’m still half from you and half from him/her.  So when you say he/she is bad or wrong, I feel like you’re telling me half of me is bad/wrong, and I hate it.
I’m not going to listen to it anymore.  I will ask you to stop, and if you don’t I will leave the room.
It’s not my business to figure out who is right or wrong, bad or good.  I don’t want to.  I want to love both of you because you are both my parents and I need to love you both.  That’s what makes me feel good.

Hearing this from the child will usually stop a parent in his or her tracks.  They might even see that badmouthing can really backfire on the parent doing it – the child sees the whole picture.  He/she will often (eventually) side with the parent who is taking a more healthy, positive approach and moving forward).  Even if they don’t at the time, it can definitely happen as they grow up.

Being spoken about badly is a painful experience, and we care deeply how our children feel about us.  So it hurts doubly if we believe that the other parent is swaying our child’s opinion of us.  It takes a lot of emotional maturity not to lash back; but know that if you do, your child will suffer.

The Stepfamily Success Course covers a number of methods in addition to these, to help you with difficult issues in stepfamily life.

• Relationship Issues between ex-husband’s wife and stepmom

• Ex-husband’s wife verus stepmom – no one’s the the bitch

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Relationship issues between ex-husband’s wife and stepmom

You’re the kids’ mother.  She’s their stepmom.  How do you relate to your ex-husband’s wife?  The relationship between the mom and stepmom is often filled with land mines, and it may seem that your life would be just fine, if she wasn’t in it.  It’s hard to see your ex-husband’s wife impartially, in any case.  Another woman taking your place – with your children – can be hard to take.

Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carol Marine, a mother/stepmother pair who have actually made it work, write in No One’s the Bitch about the factors that can make it a war zone between you and your ex-husband’s wife. The two of them learned through hard knocks how to make a co-parenting plan work, and recently appeared on the Dr. Phil Show together.

If your ex-husband has pegged you as the devil’s assistant, then it’s obvious that your ex-husband’s wife is going to have a skewed impression of you.  Badmouthing on either side (you against him, or him against you) makes it almost impossible to get cooperation between the two sides of the children’s family.  The important thing for you to know and for your ex-husband to know too is that the real effect of badmouthing is putting your children in the impossible situation of being stuck in the middle between a rock and a hard place.  They could get over the divorce so much more easily if you two stop this battle of trash talking one another!

Ex-husband’s wife versus stepmom – no one’s the bitch

It’s not fun to look at our motives for disliking (or worse) your ex-husband’s wife.  The authors list some of these motives, which represent our “shadow self” – the parts of ourself that are a bit too ugly to admit (but once we do, we’re actually making progress!).
The motives summarized in No One’s the Bitch are as follows:

Wanting to be right – Our ego is so invested in being right that we will lose a relationship to be right, ever kept a fight going past the point

constructiveness – until you felt you had proved yourself right?  Still trying to prove you were the right one from the divorce?

Wanting to look good – It’s hard not to be jealous of your ex-husband’s wife, and not to compare yourself to her.  The ego’s best way of doing that?  Making her look bad!

Wanting to be superior – Do you find yourself comparing yourself to her (as a cook, as a mom, as a housekeeper, physically, etc) with your kids, trying to come up on top?

Wanting to be in control – I know, you want to make the important decisions in your children’s lives – and when they’re with your ex-husband’s wife, she’s in control – yikes!

Playing the victim – After my divorce, I fell into the victim role with seemingly excellent reason when I tell my story, sympathy starts flowing my way every time.  After a couple years, however, I was hit by the realization that playing the victim meant I needed to stay unsuccessful and miserable – what kind of victim has a wonderful life?  So, I opted for creating the life I wanted, and letting go of being the victim.
Giving in to insanity and deceit – Ever notice how you can do wild and crazy things when you’re angry enough?  How you’re willing to lie in order hurt others?  It is insanity; take a look at your behavior regarding your ex-husband’s ex-wife – does this shoe fit?

So before you determine that the entire source of the problem you have with your ex-husband’s wife is ALL her fault, be willing to admit if any of these motives apply to you – even just a little.  And whether you find yourself judging her – the way she dresses, looks, manages her home, treats your children, handles money or her career – any of it.

Getting honest with yourself is the first step – once any member of this triangle – yourself, your ex, and your ex-husband’s wife- changes motives, progress begins.

If you or your ex-husband is still carrying baggage from the divorce, this is where the first work needs to be done.  That unresolved baggage is what keeps negative emotions alive and what fuels the above motives as well as the endless cycle of bad communication, anger and judgment.

You’re not alone in carrying around old baggage; it’s what we do as human beings, it takes years after a divorce to sort it all out, and it takes a lot of effort to dump it.  And your ex may have remarried before you were complete with this work (divorced dads tend to remarry much more quickly than divorced moms).

So, I guess there’s plenty to gain from making her look bad – it makes you feel better.

But, what’s to gain from getting along with your ex-husband’s wife?  According to Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carole Marine, plenty!  I recommend reading their book and taking their advice seriously to get the whole picture.  Right now I’m going to focus on a particular benefit – the biggest one:  A better life for your children.

You are not alone by any means in feeling that your ex-husband’s wife is a problem.  But the problem with being at conflict is the tremendous drama that’s created in your life, which takes a ton of energy that could be used for living.

After all, there are children in common between you, children who are real people with real needs, who go back and forth, who need to put their energy into developing into independent adults, and who deserve a chance to be whole.

One of the most important things they need from you and your ex- and your ex-husband’s wife – is the chance to love and honor all of their parents. Yes, that includes her too!.

I was fortunate.  I saw the advantages for me, and for my son.  I had been divorced for seven years and had had a chance to clear my issues from the divorce, and no longer harbored much anger or resentment.  I could see that my son was more comfortable visiting his dad when there was a “mother figure” in the home (the household functioned better than he could do on his own); and as a single mom, I really needed the break that his visits with his dad afforded me.  I did have to let go of some control (they didn’t do many things the way I would have) and some judgment and jealousy.

But it’s all worth it now, when my grown son says that he feels fortunate for having the advantage of four parents, each of whom provided a unique contribution to who he is today.

If you need help on how to improve relationship between a stepmom and stepdaughter, see online course offered by StepMomSOS

The Cause of Anger – Dashed Expectations
In dealing with your ex, it may keep coming up that your expectations have been dashed – that you were not treated the way you should have been, you did not get the happiness, security or family life you wanted.  There’s an underlying frustration, a sense of violation or loss.  This is how anger arises and stays alive when dealing with your ex.

Anger: “Makes your Blood Boil”
This is actually an accurate metaphor for what happens when you’re angry.  The brain releases a host of chemicals and hormones that make our brain and body overheat – a host of chemicals are released which increase our breathing rate, heart rate, blood pressure, and glucose level.  It’s like having your brain in a microwave bag!  You lose massive amounts of energy in this outgoing force; you can tell because the drama saps you (sometimes, addicted to the adrenalin, you think the drama energizes you – but the long-term result is a sapping of energy).

Medical research on anger has shown that the above physiological reactions increase the chances of heart attack or stroke, as well as ulcers, low back pain, chest pain, migraine headaches, grinding teeth and lowered life expectancy.  Makes it worthwhile to consider another reaction to dealing with your ex!

“ Angry People are Hot -Headed”
Anger stupefies the mind, and paralyzes it’s functioning power.  It causes a loss in self-monitoring capacity and objective cognition; in other words, you become reckless in our words and actions.  Who among us has not said or done something we’ve regretted for a long time, in the “heat” of anger?  Anger tends to bring out the worst in us, all the destructive patterns of spitefulness, revenge, and jealousy in dealing with your ex.

Research findings are that anger can aggravate mental health problems such as depression, paranoia and prejudice.  It can be an underlying factor, leading to loneliness, chronic anxiety, eating disorders, grinding teeth, sleep disorders, OCD, and phobias.  Dealing with you ex in anger can be a recipe for unhappiness for you!

“Seeing Red” in Anger
Another metaphor rings true – we lose perspective!  Have you noticed how more likely you are to blow things out of proportion when you’re angry?  When angry, one is set to perceive some things and not others.  Sometimes, your thoughts spin, and the anger is fed by recalling other injustices.  The anger snowballs until you feel a loss of control.

Anger “Eats at You” and you become “Consumed by It”
At this point, you lose our perspective, which is precisely what you need to regain control.  You may become paranoid, interpreting things through the angry response.  Our relationships become affected, and we are more inclined to end relationships.  An angry person becomes alienated from others (who wants to be around all that anger?) and has trouble being an effective parent or spouse.

Are you convinced that dealing with your ex with anger might not be in your best interest?  Let’s look at its resolution. There are three approaches to resolving anger:

Aggression
The aggressive approach to anger, especially if physical, can get you into trouble – it can result either in danger to yourself, or trouble with the law or authorities.  Dealing with your ex this way can cut you off from your children, and is not recommended!  You might also use verbal aggression (“cutting him to pieces”) or confrontation, or venting (which often degenerates into verbal aggression).  Verbal aggression generally leads to the same problems as physical aggression, but might take longer.  Courts consider verbal aggression to be abusive, and can result in court orders to force you to desist. Another aggressive approach is displacement (kicking the dog, or lashing out at your child).  This solution will hurt others as well as yourself.  Let’s look at something else!

Suppression
You may stop the angry feeling, but then find yourself crying frequently, developing headaches or losing sleep.  Suppression can result in tension problems, or long term sadness.  It’s a well-known psychological phenomenon that suppressed anger becomes depression.  This is not a good long term solution to dealing with your ex and your anger, either.  It’s actually quite important to recognize and admit your anger to yourself.

Restructure
In this more constructive and mature approach, you train your mind to step back, to put your emotions in a suspended state, and think about the right words and actions.  Saying and doing something retaliative just winds the web of anger more tightly around you, and cements the habit pattern.  When you are able to see things from a different angle, you can reprocess the loss, hurt or dashed expectations that led to the anger in the first place.  Easier said than done, you’re thinking?  Read about “Making Breakthroughs”  http://www.confessionsofastepmom.com/making-breakthroughs/ – the Truwell Methodology is designed to help you reprocess the situation from its cause and to heal its emotional impact.  The new perspective that is released brings great calm and acceptance, and allows you to find a way of dealing with your ex that is constructive for all involved, especially for you!

Negative Influences of your Husband’s Ex-Wife

How to Deal with the Negative Influences of your Husband’s Ex-Wife

Get Honest with yourself

• Negative Influences of your Husband’s Ex-Wife
  

Dealing with your husband’s ex-wife otherwise known as your stepchildren’s mother can be one of the most trying aspects of stepfamily life. If she is bitter or tries to undermine you as the stepmom, it can make your life particularly hard.

Katherine Maguid, writing in Stepmom Magazine, describes how her husband’s ex-wife told her children that their stepmom was “not a parent and she’s not family”. Ms Maguid was understandably hurt, and writes “I’m not a parent and I’m not family. Are you kidding me? I’m married to their father; hence, I’m legally related to the boys.

I might be a childless stepmother, but I do everything that an ordinary parent does. In fact, I pretty much do exactly what my mother did with my siblings and me when I was young. I make them food, I watch them all day long while they’re with me and their dad is at work, I take them to the doctor, I buy them clothes, I discipline them, I get up with them in the middle of the night when they’re sick or if they’ve had a bad dream, and I bring them to sporting events and camps.

Most importantly, though, I love them dearly and unconditionally. So what differentiates me from a parent, aside from the fact that I didn’t give birth to my stepsons? The act of giving birth to a child cannot be the sole definition of being a parent because look at adoptive parents, they do the same things I do. So, if I’m not a parent, then what exactly am I?”

This is one of the many variations of ways the husband’s ex-wife puts the children in a loyalty bind. Clearly, the husband’s ex-wife in this case has not completed the unfinished business of her divorce. If she had, she would not have such a need to undermine the stepmom to her children. Clearly, she is does not feel secure with herself as a mother.

Very unfortunately, she doesn’t understand that the best gift she can give her children is allowing them to have the love, comfort, and security they need in both their homes. Doing so will not diminish her relationship with her children, but allow it to flourish and will provide the strongest basis for their self-esteem as adults.

• How to deal with your husbands ex-wife

My difficulties with my husband’s ex-wife nearly tore me in two for years. She had been out of the picture for the first years of our stepfamily, and I had thrown myself into a maternal role with my stepdaughter, as the daughter I never had.

Our bonding was abruptly shaken when her mom re-entered the scene and refused to acknowledge my presence or my role. When my stepdaughter’s parents went back into mediation to agree on a new custody arrangement, I had no voice in the matter although I was functioning in the place of a full-time stepmother. There were many lessons for me in that experience, and it took a long time for me to re-make my role appropriately as a stepmom.

Deal with the insults and hostilities privately, not in front of your stepchildren or children. If you insult her back, you will not only be putting them in a loyalty bind, but you’ll stifle further conversation with them, creating a wedge between you. And you can expect that the insult will get back to your husband’s ex-wife, fueling the fire! If your husband can take it, vent to him or talk to a friend or coach, or utilize one of the excellent online forums for stepmoms.

Look at the situation as honestly as you can, and behave in the way you know to be right. In the end, right always wins. And if you refuse to play the game that she’s playing, eventually your stepchildren will see it, appreciate you for taking the higher road, and there will no longer be a prize in it for her. She’ll give up the game.

Try to create a little space between what you’re hearing or experiencing, and what’s going on in your head about it. Can you find a way to give her the benefit of the doubt? Perhaps your husband’s ex-wife has a legitimate reason for saying/acting this way? Maybe there’s a middle ground that can be found? Is there any accuracy that can be found in what she’s saying?

• Get Honest With Yourself
  

Focus your attention on your relationship with your partner; a strong stepcouple has the ability to weather these storms. Be sure you get the time you need together to nurture your relationship. Ask for support from him.

Be grateful for the aspects of the co-parenting relationship that do work. Whatever you focus on grows; so when you find yourself obsessing about the things your husband’s ex-wife does that hurt or irritate you, switch your thoughts to something positive in the children’s life that she is part of.

Set your boundaries. If your husband’s ex-wife clearly oversteps her bounds, stand up for yourself with your husband and ask him to back you up. This is easier said than done, and may require your stepping away from the situation to protect yourself.

Lastly, recognize that you may have to be the “bigger person” in the extended family. You may have to keep giving kindness and understanding for a long time before your husband’s ex-wife turns around. To do this, it’s important to believe and visualize that harmony will eventually prevail.

The children are learning from your example, and that example is more powerful than you can know. I was absolutely determined to get beyond the impasse with my husband’s ex-wife, even if I had to kill us both with kindness.

And, through a seemingly unrelated event, when my stepdaughter was 16, my husband’s ex-wife got over all her hostility, rather suddenly. Perhaps we were just lucky, but I believe it was due to all our efforts and prayers over those seven years.

I must admit it took some shifting of my perspective as well, to discover she was not the person I had made her out to be, either! Since then, we’ve had better and better communication and respect all around. And I can’t even express the difference it has made in my stepdaughter’s well-being and the development of her relationships with us all!

Need help? If you are, online course can aid you fully on how to handle and deal with the relationships on both ex-husband’s wife and stepdaughter.