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The Shocking Truth About How to Change Others

admin — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 18:55:19 +0000

A friend bought a little manual that was entitled “How to Change Others”. After reading it, she wanted to ask for a refund: after all, the book was all about how to change herself! Instead of returning it, she got to thinking about the point the booklet was making. After all, how can we really change others? Who is the only person we have the ability, and the right, to change? Yep, it’s yours truly…

In the field of stepfamily relations, judgements and blame fly around like leaves in a windstorm. “If only he would understand MY point of view..”; “She’s got a personality disorder”; “These kids are So disrespectful”; on and on it goes, leading to a downward cycle in relationships that too often ends in breakup of families.

I have no doubt that many of the complaints stepmoms, or mothers, or dads, or kids, have about the others in the family might be based in fact. However, it’s less than useful to keep focusing on the faults of others – it is also destructive. (Remember the adage, what you focus on grows?)

There is another way! I’d like to relate a true story about a psychologist who took the opposite approach; the story is so amazing that it’s hard to believe (you might have read it a few years ago when it spread around the Internet). This summary is by Joe Vitale, who has written a book “I’m Sorry, and I Love You”
with the psychologist:

Two years ago, I heard about a therapist in Hawaii who cured a complete ward of criminally insane patients – without ever seeing any of them. The psychologist would study an inmate’s chart and then look within himself to see how he created that person’s illness. As he improved himself, the patient improved.

When I first heard this story, I thought it was an urban legend. How could anyone heal anyone else by healing himself? How could even the best self-improvement master cure the criminally insane?

It didn’t make any sense. It wasn’t logical, so I dismissed the story.

However, I heard it again a year later. I heard that the therapist had used a Hawaiian healing process called ho’oponopono. I had never heard of it, yet I couldn’t let it leave my mind. If the story was at all true, I had to know more.

I had always understood “total responsibility” to mean that I am responsible for what I think and do. Beyond that, it’s out of my hands. I think that most people think of total responsibility that way. We’re responsible for what we do, not what anyone else does. The Hawaiian therapist who healed those mentally ill people would teach me an advanced new perspective about total responsibility.

His name is Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len. We probably spent an hour talking on our first phone call. I asked him to tell me the complete story of his work as a therapist. He explained that he worked at Hawaii State Hospital for four years. That ward where they kept the criminally insane was dangerous. Psychologists quit on a monthly basis. The staff called in sick a lot or simply quit. People would walk through that ward with their backs against the wall, afraid of being attacked by patients. It was not a pleasant place to live, work, or visit.

Dr. Len told me that he never saw patients. He agreed to have an office and to review their files. While he looked at those files, he would work on himself. As he worked on himself, patients began to heal.

“After a few months, patients that had to be shackled were being allowed to walk freely,” he told me. “Others who had to be heavily medicated were getting off their medications. And those who had no chance of ever being released were being freed.”

I was in awe.

“Not only that,” he went on, “but the staff began to enjoy coming to work. Absenteeism and turnover disappeared. We ended up with more staff than we needed because patients were being released, and all the staff was showing up to work.”

This is where I had to ask the million dollar question: “What were you doing within yourself that caused those people to change?”

“I was simply healing the part of me that created them,” he said.

I didn’t understand.

Dr. Len explained that total responsibility for your life means that everything in your life – simply because it is in your life – is your responsibility. In a literal sense the entire world is your creation.

Whew. This is tough to swallow. Being responsible for what I say or do is one thing. Being responsible for what everyone in my life says or does is quite another. Yet, the truth is this: if you take complete responsibility for your life, then everything you see, hear, taste, touch, or in any way experience is your responsibility because it is in your life.

This means that terrorist activity, the president, the economy – anything you experience and don’t like – is up for you to heal. They don’t exist, in a manner of speaking, except as projections from inside you. The problem isn’t with them, it’s with you, and to change them, you have to change you.

I know this is tough to grasp, let alone accept or actually live. Blame is far easier than total responsibility, but as I spoke with Dr. Len, I began to realize that healing for him and in ho’oponopono means loving yourself. If you want to improve your life, you have to heal your life. If you want to cure anyone – even a mentally ill criminal – you do it by healing you.

I asked Dr. Len how he went about healing himself. What was he doing, exactly, when he looked at those patients’ files?

“I just kept saying, ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you’ over and over again,” he explained.

That’s it?

That’s it.

Turns out that loving yourself is the greatest way to improve yourself, and as you improve yourself, you improve your world. Let me give you a quick example of how this works: one day, someone sent me an email that upset me. In the past I would have handled it by working on my emotional hot buttons or by trying to reason with the person who sent the nasty message. This time, I decided to try Dr. Len’s method. I kept silently saying, “I’m sorry” and “I love you.” I didn’t say it to anyone in particular. I was simply evoking the spirit of love to heal within me what was creating the outer circumstance.

Within an hour I got an e-mail from the same person. He apologized for his previous message. Keep in mind that I didn’t take any outward action to get that apology. I didn’t even write him back. Yet, by saying “I love you,” I somehow healed within me what was creating him.

In short, Dr. Len says there is no out there. It would take a whole book to explain this advanced technique with the depth it deserves. Suffice it to say that whenever you want to improve anything in your life, there’s only one place to look: inside you.

And when you look, do it with love.

I have had a frequent experience, which has been difficult to explain as a result of the Truwell Process

I facilitate. I see over and over that when a person clears their own emotions/beliefs about a relationship challenge or past trauma, something seems to magically change in the person they are having difficulty with. It’s happened to me more times than I can even count. The person changes, without any seeming reason. And the relationship begins to heal.

So as soon as you catch yourself judging, turn the focus on yourself: take responsibility, say you’re sorry, and forgive yourself, giving yourself love. You might find that your perception of the other person begins to change, that you begin to change, or that they do. The destructive cycle turns around to a cycle of peace and healing.

How Can You Create a Brighter Financial Future for Your Children?

admin — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 17:09:22 +0000

Giving the children you love essential lessons about money has never been so important.
In today’s economy, surrounded by negative news and people’s real despair, how can we give the next generation the skills and values they need to avoid the pitfalls and grow up financially safe and strong?
Introducing The Magic Magpie, the new release in the acclaimed Financial Fairy Tales series. Crucial lessons around money and enterprise all told through fun and exciting fairy stories.

I recommend the Magic Magpie, a book that will help your kids learn:
How a brother and sister get caught up in the trap of the ‘want it now’ mentality, how they must deal with the consequences of their choices, weigh up their options and create a plan to make it better.

“It’s never too early to start learning about money, business and enterprise. The Financial Fairy Tales make a great introduction to the values and principles needed to create a successful life”.
Brian Tracy?Bestselling author and business leader

When you purchase The Magic Magpie today, you will also receive an amazing collection of bonus gifts worth over $1,500.
Including downloadable products, coaching sessions and complimentary services, from top authors, speakers and coaches.

Take a look at what’s waiting for you here: http://www.thefinancialfairytales.com/magic

Remember this is a time sensitive offer, so I encourage you to get your copy of The Magic Magpie today and don’t miss out on your valuable bonuses. You and you children will be glad you did.

How to Ex

admin — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 16:31:56 +0000

Sounds like a strange phrase “to ex”… but perhaps we should be thinking of “ex” as a verb. A way of being in the “extended family” that includes your children’s other parent and his partner. Your child or children are now in a stepfamily, and now you are “the ex” in that extended family. You may not have thought of it that way before. And the feelings you’re going through are not fun:

Suddenly there is another woman in the your place, with your children. It’s not only awkward, it fills you with ——— (you fill in the blank!)

Of course, you feel protective of your children, so you compare her to you in every way, hoping she’ll come up short. You judge her and feel superior.

You just know that your ex has painted a terrible picture of you, and you have no way to defend yourself – you find yourself obsessing about what he might have said about you.

She may be younger, prettier, or better at certain things – you can’t stand the rivalry you feel! It can be very painful to see her, as it reinforces bad feelings you have about yourself.

You may want it not to work, and you may be making negative comments in front of the children to try and keep them loyal to you, and see what’s wrong with her.

You tend to question the children when they return to you, to find out how it’s working “over there”, and try to get details (perhaps to use against them or to make you feel better).

It hurts!!!

Unfortunately, the rivalry between a new stepmom and a bitter ex has the most impact on the children. The pain you feel is common to ex-es in general, and it is worse to the extent that you have not healed from your divorce. You can’t see her as anything but an enemy, or a host of other terrible things. You may think you’re hurting her, but it’s your own children you’re placing in the middle and making it tough for them to have a chance at a happy and whole adulthood.

Believe that it can get better, and that this drama can subside, making your life and your children’s lives more peaceful. That is what you want, isn’t it? It is so important, for your happiness as well as for your children’s well-being, that you begin to work through the pain and the hurt that might be taken out on others.

I have a couple suggestions for you: go to www.thriveafterdivorce.com and use some of the tools and techniques there to move past your negative feelings from the divorce. Recognize that it can take a long time and a good bit of effort to heal from a divorce, but to the ex who wants a better life in the long run, it’s an essential part of the process! Another great book to read and work through: No One’s the Bitch by Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carol Marine, a stepmother-mother pair who learned how to make it work.
The key: consider the children’s best interest!

Joan Sarin on Barbara Bruce’s “Believe” Show

admin — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 18:02:07 +0000

Barbara Bruce hosts a weekly radio show for the White Mountains, AZ area and also for greater Phoenix AZ, called “Believe”. Here’s how she describes it:

I focus on health, mental and physical, on the spiritual and on success. The best way to show others these principles is to bring on people who espouse these principles in their lives.

Once a month, I go “on the road” with the show to help empower people in areas they may not understand. One of those shows was on buying, financing and servicing an automobile – it could be anything that I think will help people feel competent.

The whole emphasis of this show is to empower others to believe. The future of “Believe” will include helping make people’s dreams come true… and I am working on that… but you have to BELIEVE!
For Father’s Day 2010, she invited Joan Sarin, MS on the show to honor stepfathers and talk about the importance of the stepdad, too! She gave some great advice to stepfamilies and stepdads. You can listen to the show by clicking here:

Radio Show Appearance with Susan Swanson Again

admin — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 17:51:48 +0000

Susan Swanson is the founder of the Stepfamily Center, which serves the Los Angeles and Beverly Hills area. She is a stepfamily therapist, and stepmom and mom herself. Susan hosts a superb, informative weekly radio show for stepfamily members. Joan Sarin, MS was the guest on the show, and here’s the link:

April 27th, 2010:
Susan Swanson On Step invites Joan Sarin, MS, Stepfamily Coach and Educator, to discuss The Importance of Empathy and why we NEED it in stepfamily life. Click here to listen to the show:

Joan Sarin On Barbara Bruce “The Cutting Edge” Radio Show

admin — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 17:39:53 +0000

Barbara Bruce is a well-known radio personality in the White Mountains, Arizona. She hosts a variety of shows, including “The Cutting Edge”, which has a reach into The White Mountain area as well as greater Phoenix AZ. Today the show airs on NewsTalk 970 KVWM and 1270 KDJI. It focuses on national, state and local issues that affect The White Mountain Community. Special events are also highlighted from time to time, as well as special editions of the show.
During the Thanksgiving Season of 2009, she invited Joan Sarin MS to speak about Appreciation and the magic it can do. The show can be accessed here:

Susan Swanson on Step Radio Show

admin — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 17:25:30 +0000

Tuesday, Dec. 08, 2009: Joan Sarin is a stepfamily coach in the Phoenix metropolitan area. She uses her more than 20 years of executive coaching as her guide, and has developed her “breakthrough method” to help couples navigate through the turbulence that is a part of stepfamily life. She will be talking about how to help stepcouples learn to break through their blocks.
> Listen to the Show Here

“You are Not My Mother” Contest Winners Announced

admin — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 00:43:53 +0000

The “You Are Not My Mother” contest has concluded, and I’d like to congratulate the two winners:

Sherie Touchatt Cooper and Dawn Thomason! If you didn’t win and you have little ones, you’ll want this book for yourself too! It’s available from Amazon; just click here. The book will help you to deal in a disarming way with the comment that stepmoms inevitably face!

We need more children’s books for stepchildren, don’t you think? I would love to have stepchildren feel more like they are in the mainstream (which, statistically, they are!) and have them get some lessons about how stepfamilies work. I have an idea for puppet shows for stepkids, if anyone has the ability to help with that….

Contest – Win a Free Book “You Are Not My Mother”

admin — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 21:46:08 +0000

Every stepmom has heard it, more than once: “You Are Not My Mother”. Dawn Yonally, PhD has written a delightful book, geared toward the 6-8 year old crowd, addressing this issue. She takes a humorous and disarming approach, and it is a valuable book to own and share with your young ones.

It’s available from www.XLibris.com. But I’m giving away two of these books. Just post your name and the ages of your stepchildren on the Facebook Fan Page StepfamilySOS to enter the contest. And pass this on to anyone you know with young stepkids!

Stepfathers and Stepsons – Making it Work

admin — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 20:38:55 +0000

The Stepdad and Stepson in My Family

In the range of relationships in stepfamilies, the stepfather stepson relationship does not have a reputation of being one of the most difficult – if it’s handled correctly! If you are a stepfather wanting to develop a good stepfather stepson relationship, here are some good questions to ask yourself:

What is the relationship between your stepson and his father? Are they close, and do they see each other regularly? Or are you the primary father figure in your stepson’s life? The answer to this question will have a strong impact on the role that’s appropriate for you to take.

How old was your stepson when you and your wife became involved? If he was close to or during the teen years, he’s not likely to be very accepting of a new parent figure in his live, even though he may be in need of one. His age will be one determinant of the stepfather stepson relationship.

How close is your parenting philosophy and style to your wife’s? To your stepson’s father? Some compromise will be in order if they are very different, and it’s important for you to be open to your wife’s approach; learn together and negotiate together. You are an important resource for her in helping her to improve her parenting, but she’ll only be open to your opinion if offered in the right spirit – that of wanting a good and appropriate stepfather stepson relationship.

What was your relationship with your father? In what parenting style were your raised? Are you comfortable in using the same style, and will it lead to a positive stepfather stepson relationship?

What are your expectations and underlying desires for a son? If you don’t have a son of your own, introspect to see if you are imposing your expectations on your stepson. My husband, an engineer, had a dad who helped him build and repair things… he tried to follow that same pattern in his stepfather stepson relationship, but it simply wasn’t right for my son, an artist/writer at heart.

How well-informed are you about parenting skills and approaches that work? How much do you know about developmental stages, in order to understand what behaviors are normal and acceptable at different ages? The more you learn, the more your stepfather stepson relationship will improve.

There’s a lot to consider; if a new stepparent jumps in too fast to the stepfather stepson relationship without preparation, it’s likely to result in real disappointment, and can backfire. The best course of action is to go slow, to build a connection with your stepson over time. Be patient and don’t add too much pressure to the situation – developing a stepfamily is really more like cooking a meal in a crockpot as opposed to a blender! If possible, relax into your role, and don’t expect too much too soon.

So what is the appropriate role of the stepfather? That’s a complex question, actually – and each family needs to find their own way. It is important that the children see the couple as a unit, as the two heads of the household. The couple needs to show their strength, and in subtle ways communicate to the children that this union is here to stay. Until this happens, your stepson might be more hesitant to let you in, and will sometimes do whatever he can to create problems in your new relationship. And anyone who is in a stepfamily recognizes the power of the children to do that!

The stepfather stepson relationship is simply different from the father son relationship. You may as well know, early on, that you will never become a true parent to him. You cannot create that biological bond – relatedness does matter. And the more involved the other parent is in their life, the more your role needs to differ from that of the parent.