STEPMOM

Do you find that your anger is triggered by every little thing that your ex-spouse does?
Does it seem that anger has taken over your life in a subtle way, coloring your relationships?  Anger is part of the brain’s wiring, the fight/flight pattern to warn aggressors to stop threatening behavior.  It has an adaptive and positive quality in that it helps to keep us safe, in the moment, when there is danger. It is a normal phase in the process of grieving and divorce. However, habitual anger can lead to a number of physical and psychological problems, and has long-term consequences.  You may think that dealing with your ex by holding on to that anger is a good idea, but you may be the one getting harmed…  Let’s take a look:

The Cause of Anger – Dashed Expectations
In dealing with your ex, it may keep coming up that your expectations have been dashed – that you were not treated the way you should have been, you did not get the happiness, security or family life you wanted.  There’s an underlying frustration, a sense of violation or loss.  This is how anger arises and stays alive when dealing with your ex.

Anger: “Makes your Blood Boil”
This is actually an accurate metaphor for what happens when you’re angry.  The brain releases a host of chemicals and hormones that make our brain and body overheat – a host of chemicals are released which increase our breathing rate, heart rate, blood pressure, and glucose level.  It’s like having your brain in a microwave bag!  You lose massive amounts of energy in this outgoing force; you can tell because the drama saps you (sometimes, addicted to the adrenalin, you think the drama energizes you – but the long-term result is a sapping of energy).

Medical research on anger has shown that the above physiological reactions increase the chances of heart attack or stroke, as well as ulcers, low back pain, chest pain, migraine headaches, grinding teeth and lowered life expectancy.  Makes it worthwhile to consider another reaction to dealing with your ex!

“ Angry People are Hot -Headed”
Anger stupefies the mind, and paralyzes it’s functioning power.  It causes a loss in self-monitoring capacity and objective cognition; in other words, you become reckless in our words and actions.  Who among us has not said or done something we’ve regretted for a long time, in the “heat” of anger?  Anger tends to bring out the worst in us, all the destructive patterns of spitefulness, revenge, and jealousy in dealing with your ex.

Research findings are that anger can aggravate mental health problems such as depression, paranoia and prejudice.  It can be an underlying factor, leading to loneliness, chronic anxiety, eating disorders, grinding teeth, sleep disorders, OCD, and phobias.  Dealing with you ex in anger can be a recipe for unhappiness for you!

“Seeing Red” in Anger
Another metaphor rings true – we lose perspective!  Have you noticed how more likely you are to blow things out of proportion when you’re angry?  When angry, one is set to perceive some things and not others.  Sometimes, your thoughts spin, and the anger is fed by recalling other injustices.  The anger snowballs until you feel a loss of control.

Anger “Eats at You” and you become “Consumed by It”
At this point, you lose our perspective, which is precisely what you need to regain control.  You may become paranoid, interpreting things through the angry response.  Our relationships become affected, and we are more inclined to end relationships.  An angry person becomes alienated from others (who wants to be around all that anger?) and has trouble being an effective parent or spouse.

Are you convinced that dealing with your ex with anger might not be in your best interest?  Let’s look at its resolution. There are three approaches to resolving anger:

Aggression
The aggressive approach to anger, especially if physical, can get you into trouble – it can result either in danger to yourself, or trouble with the law or authorities.  Dealing with your ex this way can cut you off from your children, and is not recommended!  You might also use verbal aggression (“cutting him to pieces”) or confrontation, or venting (which often degenerates into verbal aggression).  Verbal aggression generally leads to the same problems as physical aggression, but might take longer.  Courts consider verbal aggression to be abusive, and can result in court orders to force you to desist. Another aggressive approach is displacement (kicking the dog, or lashing out at your child).  This solution will hurt others as well as yourself.  Let’s look at something else!

Suppression
You may stop the angry feeling, but then find yourself crying frequently, developing headaches or losing sleep.  Suppression can result in tension problems, or long term sadness.  It’s a well-known psychological phenomenon that suppressed anger becomes depression.  This is not a good long term solution to dealing with your ex and your anger, either.  It’s actually quite important to recognize and admit your anger to yourself.

Restructure
In this more constructive and mature approach, you train your mind to step back, to put your emotions in a suspended state, and think about the right words and actions.  Saying and doing something retaliative just winds the web of anger more tightly around you, and cements the habit pattern.  When you are able to see things from a different angle, you can reprocess the loss, hurt or dashed expectations that led to the anger in the first place.  Easier said than done, you’re thinking?  Read about “Making Breakthroughs”  http://www.confessionsofastepmom.com/making-breakthroughs/ – the Truwell Methodology is designed to help you reprocess the situation from its cause and to heal its emotional impact.  The new perspective that is released brings great calm and acceptance, and allows you to find a way of dealing with your ex that is constructive for all involved, especially for you!