Suddenly there is another woman in the your place, with your children.  It’s not only awkward, it fills you with ——— (you fill in the blank!)

Of course, you feel protective of your children, so you compare her to you in every way, hoping she’ll come up short.  You judge her and feel superior.

You just know that your ex has painted a terrible picture of you, and you have no way to defend yourself – you find yourself obsessing about what he might have said about you.

She may be younger, prettier, or better at certain things – you can’t stand the rivalry you feel!  It can be very painful to see her, as it reinforces bad feelings you have about yourself.

You may want it not to work, and you may be making negative comments in front of the children to try and keep them loyal to you, and see what’s wrong with her.

You tend to question the children when they return to you, to find out how it’s working “over there”, and try to get details (perhaps to use against them or to make you feel better).

It hurts!!!

Unfortunately,  the rivalry between a new stepmom and a bitter ex has the most impact on the children.  The pain you feel is common to ex-es in general, and it is worse to the extent that you have not healed from your divorce.  You can’t see her as anything but an enemy, or a host of other terrible things.  You may think you’re hurting her, but it’s your own children you’re placing in the middle and making it tough for them to have a chance at a happy and whole adulthood.

Believe that it can get better, and that this drama can subside, making your life and your children’s lives more peaceful.  That is what you want, isn’t it?  It is so important, for your happiness as well as for your children’s well-being, that you begin to work through the pain and the hurt that might be taken out on others.

I have a couple suggestions for you:  go to www.thriveafterdivorce.com and use some of the tools and techniques there to move past your negative feelings from the divorce.  Recognize that it can take a long time and a good bit of effort to heal from a divorce, but to the ex who wants a better life in the long run, it’s an essential part of the process!  Another great book to read and work through:  No One’s the Bitch by Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carol Marine, a stepmother-mother pair who learned how to make it work.
The key:  consider the children’s best interest!

1.  Monitor your displays of sexuality.

A new marriage brings a sexual aura into the household.  The newlyweds may hug, hold hands, exchange special glances and murmur “sweet nothings”.  They may make obvious efforts to set aside private time behind closes doors.  Adolescents may be inordinately embarrassed by this at a time when they are are managing their own raging hormones, and they may become even more curious about experimenting with sexual behaviors.  Such displays may also set off kids’ negative reactions to the new marriage.  Studies indicate that adolescents in stpefamilies are at greater risk for early sexual experiences.  Monitoring your obvious displays of sexuality may help, as will clearly communicating your family values.

2.  Err on the side of conservatism in dress and privacy.

The sexual atmosphere can be heightened in the household by provocative dress, casual nudity, and inadequate bathroom facilities during peak use times.  Relaxed behavior that did not present a problem in the single family home does create a problem in the stepfamily.  Ensure that all members of the home dress appropriately; and allow each member privacy.  There may be one person who is uncomfortable with a casual attitude around dress and privacy, but is embarrassed to say anything.

3.  Openly discuss the new sibling relationships in the family and expectations for behavior.

The combining of unrelated, sexually mature male and female family members into one household increases the potential for confusion about appropriate roles.  A teenage girl might wonder if the attractive new boy in the home is going to be a brother or a possible boyfriend.  A teenage boy may wonder if he’s supposed to make romantic overtures to prove his manliness.  Many adolescents are tempted to translate their curiosity or frustration into romantic experimentation with similarly confused stepsiblings.

Amid the confusion, there may be legal issues to consider.  Family laws vary state by state regarding legal relationships between stepparents and stepchildren, and ages of sexual relationship consent versus rape with a minor  Family laws are typically silent when it comes to relationships between stepsiblings.  It is up to the stepparents to put strong boundaries in place, and to extend the incest taboo across stepfamily lines.  A romantic relationship between stepsiblings can cause serious complications and repercussions.

Parents and stepparents should remain tuned in to the potential for unclear boundaries as children mature, if the stepfamily was formed when children were younger.  Be prepared to discuss sexuality in the stepfamily, and to prevent an additional complication to an already complex family structure!

“Is a stepmom a mom?” This was a question posted by Brenda on the Stepmom Magazine Forum recently, and it inspired over fifty comments and a heated discussion. In an April Stepmom Magazine article, Mary Kelly Williams also addressed this issue; she advised stepmoms to back away from the parental role, and this was probably the most controversial Stepmom Magazine article to date. While there seems to be general agreement that it’s smart for the stepparent to go slowly while taking on the new role, there’s plenty of disagreement about what the long-term goal should be regarding “parental status”.

Perhaps we can shed some light on this controversy by referring to studies that have been done. The National Stepfamily Resource Center published a paper by Susan Gamache, PhD, entitled “Stepparent’s Parental Status as a Central Theme in Stepfamily Living”. Dr. Gamache looked at studies of stepfamilies, reviewing the extent to which the stepparent acted as a parent and was perceived as a parent by the children. Interestingly enough, her review of the literature indicated that about half the number of children living in stepfamilies include the stepparent in the parent category, and half do not. Thus the controversy between two equally-divided camps extends to the children as well!

In my view, the amount of agreement on this issue by the whole stepfamily (including both homes the child is part of), is a primary indicator of overall harmony within that stepfamily. If the parents in the two homes, within the home, and the children, have very different perceptions of the stepparent’s “parental role”, then you can expect ongoing conflict, irreconcilable differences, and eventually, smoldering grievances.

For example, one mom might expect the stepdad to “jump in” when parenting is needed. She might become upset if he tends to stay in the background. But the truth is that these two have different perceptions of his parental status. In another case, a dad who expects his wife to “love his children like they were his own” will struggle with a wife who can’t conjure up that love. This couple sees her parental status differently. And children may rebel against a stepparent who sees him or herself as a parent and takes on the role of disciplinarian; frequently the children’s perception of the stepparent does not accord them that parental status.

Surely this difference is at the bottom of much of the conflict between the mom and stepmom: the stepparent can’t “get” why the parent doesn’t appreciate her contribution to parenting the children. Instead, the mom acts as if the stepmom is usurping her role as parent: often she doesn’t give any parental status to the stepmom in the beginning.
Yet the stepmom, who fulfills many “mom responsibilities” when the children are with her, rightly feels that she should be accorded SOME parental status.

There’s good reason to conclude that there’s no “one size fits all” solution to this issue for stepfamilies. Considering all the possible permutations of stepfamily membership, there are nearly a hundred different subtypes of stepfamilies; there’s no such thing as a “typical” stepfamily. Here are some of the factors that will be conducive to greater or less parental status for the stepparent:

Age of Children at Time of Remarriage
The likelihood of the stepparent effectively taking on the parental role decreases as the age of the children increases. Older adolescents and teens are far less likely to accept the stepparent as a parent, while very young children have an easier time embracing the stepparent as a parent. The stepcouple needs to take this into consideration in the running of their household and in their House Rules.

Complex vs. Simple Stepfamily
If the stepparent also brings a child or children into the family, that person is more likely to be seen in the parental role. In that case, a more balanced parental status can be an advantage in the smooth management of the home. If the stepcouple has a child or children together, then both will have high parental status in the overall family – even though the parental status might be best carried out differently with biological vs. step children.

Perception and Involvement of the Non-Resident Parent
If the stepcouple has primary custody of the children, with little or no involvement of the other parent, then the stepparent by default will take on more parental status. (That situation can change during the course of the child’s growing up, as living arrangements and custody may shift over time). Additionally, with a cooperative parent in the other home who is willing to accept a “team parenting approach”, the stepparent has greater parental status. If, on the other hand, the mom is highly threatened or hostile, the stepmom needs to back off from a high parental status or else face constant hostility and difficult loyalty binds for the children.

Personalities and Chemistries Involved
Some stepparents are more interested in taking on the parental role than others; some jump in enthusiastically with two feet into parenting, while at the other extreme, some courteously tolerate the presence of children as necessary. As long as the family members communicate and adjust to these preferences, either approach can work. Also, personalities and chemistries need to be taken into account – sometimes a child and stepparent “hit it off” immediately, while other pairs never seem to understand each other no matter how long the stepfamily lives together.

Length of Remarriage
The parental status of the stepparent can grow over time as the stepfamily completes its development period, which averages seven years. If all the stars are aligned for it, the couple may agree on a high level of parental status for the stepparent. Even in this case, it is recommended that the stepparent take on this role gradually, letting the child take the lead in the bonding process as he or she feels ready. Going gradually increases the likelihood of success.

But you know that it harms your children.  Divorce hurts, and often has more devastating effects than we’d like to acknowledge.  But truthfully, the greater harm comes after the divorce, if the divorced parents remain in conflict with one another.
Unfortunately, about 60% of divorces can be characterized as high-conflict divorces.

Research shows that children who experience ongoing post-divorce conflict have significantly more negative outcomes following divorce.  When parents divorce, a child’s life is split in two, and he or she have many adjustments to make in living arrangements, schedules, etc.  When the parents continue to spew their anger on the other, constantly bathing the child in their venom, that’s when the worst damage is done to the child.

On the other hand, some parents have the maturity to set aside their differences, and agree to a parenting plan that is designed in the best interests of the children.  Then children are found to be resilient and have far better outcomes of divorce. Parents, though they have differences, can put them aside and become partners in the raising of the child(ren).  The relationship is changed from marriage, if you will, to a temporary business partnership, where the business is helping the child to become all that he or she can.

Those who bad-mouth think they’re hurting the ex-spouse, but they’re hurting their child!
The child NEEDS to love and honor both parents to feel complete as an adult.

When I became divorced, my ex and I managed to remain on pretty good terms throughout the divorce and afterwards.  This resulted in a good co-parenting arrangement, and a very strong bond between my son and his dad.  We didn’t agree on everything by any means on how my son should be raised, but I had a natural sense that 1. his dad loved him; 2.  he wasn’t being seriously harmed by the differences, and 3. the harmony was more important than having my way about everything…

But when I re-married 9 years later, things were very different between my husband and his ex-wife!  We went through pretty extreme difficulties and lack of cooperation for a long time.

I knew enough not to say outright ugly things, but I know my resentment/anger came through.  So it can be subtle!  When you catch yourself about to make a disparaging remark, or you hear the resentment or anger in your tone of voice, it helps to actually force yourself to say something kind that you can muster as true (you may have to do some preparation ahead of time for when these kinds of things come up!)

What can you do about badmouthing?

You be first to do the work to get through your anger and leftover feelings.  This is a tall order, but your healing will start a ripple effect that cascades throughout the family and will impact the ex as well.
Introspect to see if your desire to be RIGHT is getting in the way:  what’s it really worth to you?  Being right might have quite a cost.  Will you destroy your child to be right?

If it’s coming from your ex-spouse or your partner’s ex:

A. IF there is decent communication, ask them to read this article to understand the     harm they are doing – and make an agreement to stop together.  If the child is     complaining about it or obviously suffering from that no-win position of being “in     the middle”, you want your ex-spouse to realize that there are a host of problems     that this can lead to.  (Here I am assuming the other parent loves the child, and is     simply misguided or stuck in their issues and hurting the child un-knowingly.  One     way to think of it is this:  the child’s DNA comes from half of each biological     parent.  When someone disparages one’s parent, in some subconscious way, it
is a criticism of the child – the child takes it to heart, believing in some way he or
she is partly “no-good”.

B. Enlist a trusted friend or relative (if you have a mother-in-law, sister, brother,     common friend) have them explain what this is doing to your child.

C.  If there’s good communication between your child and the other parent, your     child might feel comfortable having this conversation with the parent who’s doing     the bad-mouthing.  Here are the steps in that talk (practice with him/her):
mom/dad, I love you.
I want you to know how much it hurts me and makes me feel awful when you say bad things about mom/dad
You know I came from you, but I came from him/her too- no matter what, I’m still half from you and half from him/her.  So when you say he/she is bad or wrong, I feel like you’re telling me half of me is bad/wrong, and I hate it.
I’m not going to listen to it anymore.  I will ask you to stop, and if you don’t I will leave the room.
It’s not my business to figure out who is right or wrong, bad or good.  I don’t want to.  I want to love both of you because you are both my parents and I need to love you both.  That’s what makes me feel good.

Hearing this from the child will usually stop a parent in his or her tracks.  They might even see that badmouthing can really backfire on the parent doing it – the child sees the whole picture.  He/she will often (eventually) side with the parent who is taking a more healthy, positive approach and moving forward).  Even if they don’t at the time, it can definitely happen as they grow up.

Being spoken about badly is a painful experience, and we care deeply how our children feel about us.  So it hurts doubly if we believe that the other parent is swaying our child’s opinion of us.  It takes a lot of emotional maturity not to lash back; but know that if you do, your child will suffer.

The Stepfamily Success Course covers a number of methods in addition to these, to help you with difficult issues in stepfamily life.

The conferences is being sponsored by Ben Franklin Institute on Sept 15-17 at the Paradise Valley Resort in Scottsdale, and it exactly coincides with National Stepfamily Day!  Seems very appropriate to me…. There will be top professionals such as Donald Meichenbaum, PhD, Robert Brooks, PhD, Robert Bertolino PhD and many others.  I’m honored to be in their company, and to speak on an issue which affects so many children.

The sessions will cover a variety of important contemporary issues for the adolescent in today’s world, including Therapy with Teens in the Age of Facebook, Working with Resistant Teens, and Stressors of the iGeneration.  All professionals who work with adolescents, from therapists to school professionals, are encouraged to attend.  Just go to BFISummit.com for info on registering.

I’ll be summarizing some valuable information for you from the conference shortly afterwards.

I focus on health, mental and physical, on the spiritual and on success. The best way to show others these principles is to bring on people who espouse these principles in their lives.

Once a month, I go “on the road” with the show to help empower people in areas they may not understand. One of those shows was on buying, financing and servicing an automobile – it could be anything that I think will help people feel competent.

The whole emphasis of this show is to empower others to believe. The future of “Believe” will include helping make people’s dreams come true… and I am working on that… but you have to BELIEVE!
For Father’s Day 2010, she invited Joan Sarin, MS on the show to honor stepfathers and talk about the importance of the stepdad, too!  She gave some great advice to stepfamilies and stepdads.  You can listen to the show by clicking here:

April 27th, 2010:
Susan Swanson On Step invites Joan Sarin, MS, Stepfamily Coach and Educator, to discuss The Importance of Empathy and why we NEED it in stepfamily life.  Click here to listen to the show:

Tuesday, Dec. 08, 2009: Joan Sarin is a stepfamily coach in the Phoenix metropolitan area. She uses her more than 20 years of executive coaching as her guide, and has developed her “breakthrough method” to help couples navigate through the turbulence that is a part of stepfamily life. She will be talking about how to help stepcouples learn to break through their blocks.
> Listen to the Show Here