STEPMOM

Couples in stepfamilies know that the challenges in their families can be more difficult and more complex than those of first families.   Since the bond between the couple is newer than, and less strong than the bond between the biological parent and child,  commitment towards one another sometimes takes a back seat to the unconditional commitment the parent has for the child.  I often hear complaints that “he just doesn’t like my children”, or “she won’t give my kids any slack”.  Without a strong commitment, the rivalry between the children and stepparent can threaten the marriage.

Since it’s Valentines Day, I’ve been thinking of commitment in my own marriage, especially because this week one of my client couples filed for divorce.  It was clear that the commitment wasn’t there.  It was really painful for me to see this happen, but I knew I couldn’t “make” them commit to one another.  When challenges occur, or when a couple fights, the difference between a committed stepcouple and a stepcouple that haven’t fully committed come to the surface.  In the couple I just referred to, fights often degenerated into threats to break up (which eventually, and perhaps inevitably, happened).  In my own marriage, fortunately based on an abiding commitment, I can’t remember a time when the “d” word was thrown into a fight.  There’s simply a knowing that we will work through the issue at hand.

You have probably come across Goethe’s short essay on this subject, entitled “On Commitment”:

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness, concerning all acts of initiative and creation.  There is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.  A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.  Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.  Begin it now.”

I imagine most of us have been inspired by these words, and applied them to some undertaking in life, hopefully with good results.  However, what would be the result if you applied these words to your marriage?  How might the seemingly impossible conflicts be resolved?  What would happen if you chose to quit complaining (to others or yourself) about your spouse’s weaknesses in the stepfamily, and focused instead on working together as a committed team?  When there is strife between the stepparent and stepchild, how might you see it differently?

Here’s a challenge to all of you in stepcouples: print out the quote by Goethe and start to muse upon the possibilities that you might discover once you really commit to one another.  You might find that “boldness has genius, power and magic in it”, and that “all sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred!