STEPMOM

The stepmom’s husband (the dad in a stepfamily) experiences a unique set of emotions and challenges.  That’s why I wrote this article in Stepmom Magazine recently, entitled:  Open Letter to Dads

the Dad in the Stepfamily

I know it sometimes seems that no matter how hard you try, there’s no making everyone happy in your stepfamily – that whoever you please, someone else gets upset!  Does it seem like there’s constant tug of war between your wife and your children – for your priorities, time, money, and loyalty?  It might help you to know that you share this conflict with just about every dad whose relationship forms a stepfamily.  “Being in the middle” goes with the territory, and is known as the loyalty bind.  Here’s the good news: there is a plan you can follow to step out of this loyalty bind – and at the same time, solidify your relationships with your partner and your children!

If your method so far has been to try to please everyone, you may have found that can actually intensify the struggle, in addition to wearing you out.   Though you may try to maintain the image of being “the tough guy” who can handle whatever comes up, the truth is that relationship conflicts are actually harder on you than they are on women.  In Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin cites a National Institute of Mental Health study finding that stepfamily life can be hazardous to the mental health of dads, who show higher levels of stress hormones and depression than dads in traditional families.

After a divorce, most dads have a tendency to want to make things easy on the kids – to do whatever the kids want to do, and to generally let them control things more than they did in your first home. Somehow you a sense that you need to “make up for the divorce” – after all, the children are split into two separate homes, and you might feel it’s not fair to ask much of them, since their lives are disrupted through no fault of their own. The less time they spend with you in your home, the stronger this tendency is.  Truth is, you feel bad for them – and you think the answer is to make them happy at all costs.

Likely, your partner balks at this pattern.  She complains about your leniency; she’s  frustrated about having to deal with the chaos in the home and the extra work it means for her, and she claims the kids are being manipulative, disrespectful, unhelpful or undisciplined.  And you’re thinking:  “Why can’t she just let it go once in awhile?  Why can’t she be nicer to my kids?  Why doesn’t she like them?”

This becomes a downward spiral, whether you take their side or hers.  The important thing to know is this – you don’t have to make a choice.  What you need to do is understand the basics of stepfamily life, and step up to the plate in this tough game.

Take the Helm of the Ship As a Couple
A successful stepfamily requires more communication in order to work, because it’s a more complex system than a first family.  You and your partner need to hammer out together an agreement that includes how you’ll manage your household and the kids. That does NOT mean that your partner takes over for the other parent.  It DOES mean that the two of you develop a set of House Rules for your home that the children are expected to follow.  The children should have an opportunity to provide input but not be given veto power.  It can’t be over-emphasized how important it is for the “executive couple” in the home to show a united front and for you to support your partner.  Once you give her that support, and the authority to enforce the rules the two of you have agreed upon, you can much more easily negotiate time for relaxed, play time and alone time with your kids.  In fact, you can make fun with the kids a part of the House Rules.

In your first marriage, it might have worked well for you to take a “back seat” in matters of rules and household structure, letting their mother take the more powerful role inside the home. In a stepfamily, however, that’s not an option!  If the stepmom attempts to take over that position of power, the kids will really resent her, labelling her the “wicked stepmother”.  The only solution is for you as the father to step up to the plate as primary disciplinarian, and for you to let your children know that they are required to respect their stepmom, and follow the house rules the two of you have put in place.

It will certainly take a process of working this out with your partner, listening to one another, working through your differences, and compromising.  There will still be times you feel defensive and protective of your kids, and times she feels hurt or angry in her position.  There will still be times one of you won’t feel understood.  But with good communication, the couple is on the right track for success now – what about the kids?

Parent From A Place of Strength
If your partner has complained that you are too easy on your kids, that they get away with too much, or are manipulating you, it’s time to look at whether your approach to your kids is laced with an unhealthy dose of guilt. Children have radar for parental guilt, and the ways they respond will lead them not to respect you – but to “work” you.  They will ask for more and more, they’ll make comments to make sure they’ve “gotcha”, and they’ll complain about their stepmom as being the cause of all their problems.  And when they sense any division between you and her, they’ll be sure to side you against her, (against having more responsibility and structure) and they’ll do all they can to undermine your relationship.  When you see this pattern occurring, you can be sure it’s time to dump the guilt and recognize that being “the good guy” to the kids may not be taking them on the road leading to mature adulthood.

Research over the past forty years, initiated by Diane Baumrind, has led to clear findings: children raised with a permissive parenting style suffer long-term from a lack of limits and structure. They are prone to become adults with under-regulated emotions, lowered persistence to challenging tasks, a tendency toward antisocial behavior, and higher levels of insecurity.  The sense of entitlement they pick up from being over-indulged makes them less capable of managing their lives independently as adults.

If you shrink from disciplining your children, you need to act on what you know deep down: your children need a father, and they need discipline. It may be their job to rebel about the limits you give them, but it’s still your job to give them limits.  They also need responsibility and chores, the security of structure, and they need consequences – in a home with healthy doses of both warmth and control.