STEPMOM

I wrote the following article for Stepmom Magazine in June 2010, to address a very crucial question for stepfamilies: to what degree is the stepparent a parent? You will find that the answer depends on the family. Research shows that there are well-adjusted stepfamilies on both sides of the spectrum regarding this issue. I cover some of the factors that go into customizing an approach that works for your family here:

“Is a stepmom a mom?” This was a question posted by Brenda on the Stepmom Magazine Forum recently, and it inspired over fifty comments and a heated discussion. In an April Stepmom Magazine article, Mary Kelly Williams also addressed this issue; she advised stepmoms to back away from the parental role, and this was probably the most controversial Stepmom Magazine article to date. While there seems to be general agreement that it’s smart for the stepparent to go slowly while taking on the new role, there’s plenty of disagreement about what the long-term goal should be regarding “parental status”.

Perhaps we can shed some light on this controversy by referring to studies that have been done. The National Stepfamily Resource Center published a paper by Susan Gamache, PhD, entitled “Stepparent’s Parental Status as a Central Theme in Stepfamily Living”. Dr. Gamache looked at studies of stepfamilies, reviewing the extent to which the stepparent acted as a parent and was perceived as a parent by the children. Interestingly enough, her review of the literature indicated that about half the number of children living in stepfamilies include the stepparent in the parent category, and half do not. Thus the controversy between two equally-divided camps extends to the children as well!

In my view, the amount of agreement on this issue by the whole stepfamily (including both homes the child is part of), is a primary indicator of overall harmony within that stepfamily. If the parents in the two homes, within the home, and the children, have very different perceptions of the stepparent’s “parental role”, then you can expect ongoing conflict, irreconcilable differences, and eventually, smoldering grievances.

For example, one mom might expect the stepdad to “jump in” when parenting is needed. She might become upset if he tends to stay in the background. But the truth is that these two have different perceptions of his parental status. In another case, a dad who expects his wife to “love his children like they were his own” will struggle with a wife who can’t conjure up that love. This couple sees her parental status differently. And children may rebel against a stepparent who sees him or herself as a parent and takes on the role of disciplinarian; frequently the children’s perception of the stepparent does not accord them that parental status.

Surely this difference is at the bottom of much of the conflict between the mom and stepmom: the stepparent can’t “get” why the parent doesn’t appreciate her contribution to parenting the children. Instead, the mom acts as if the stepmom is usurping her role as parent: often she doesn’t give any parental status to the stepmom in the beginning.
Yet the stepmom, who fulfills many “mom responsibilities” when the children are with her, rightly feels that she should be accorded SOME parental status.

There’s good reason to conclude that there’s no “one size fits all” solution to this issue for stepfamilies. Considering all the possible permutations of stepfamily membership, there are nearly a hundred different subtypes of stepfamilies; there’s no such thing as a “typical” stepfamily. Here are some of the factors that will be conducive to greater or less parental status for the stepparent:

Age of Children at Time of Remarriage
The likelihood of the stepparent effectively taking on the parental role decreases as the age of the children increases. Older adolescents and teens are far less likely to accept the stepparent as a parent, while very young children have an easier time embracing the stepparent as a parent. The stepcouple needs to take this into consideration in the running of their household and in their House Rules.

Complex vs. Simple Stepfamily
If the stepparent also brings a child or children into the family, that person is more likely to be seen in the parental role. In that case, a more balanced parental status can be an advantage in the smooth management of the home. If the stepcouple has a child or children together, then both will have high parental status in the overall family – even though the parental status might be best carried out differently with biological vs. step children.

Perception and Involvement of the Non-Resident Parent
If the stepcouple has primary custody of the children, with little or no involvement of the other parent, then the stepparent by default will take on more parental status. (That situation can change during the course of the child’s growing up, as living arrangements and custody may shift over time). Additionally, with a cooperative parent in the other home who is willing to accept a “team parenting approach”, the stepparent has greater parental status. If, on the other hand, the mom is highly threatened or hostile, the stepmom needs to back off from a high parental status or else face constant hostility and difficult loyalty binds for the children.

Personalities and Chemistries Involved
Some stepparents are more interested in taking on the parental role than others; some jump in enthusiastically with two feet into parenting, while at the other extreme, some courteously tolerate the presence of children as necessary. As long as the family members communicate and adjust to these preferences, either approach can work. Also, personalities and chemistries need to be taken into account – sometimes a child and stepparent “hit it off” immediately, while other pairs never seem to understand each other no matter how long the stepfamily lives together.

Length of Remarriage
The parental status of the stepparent can grow over time as the stepfamily completes its development period, which averages seven years. If all the stars are aligned for it, the couple may agree on a high level of parental status for the stepparent. Even in this case, it is recommended that the stepparent take on this role gradually, letting the child take the lead in the bonding process as he or she feels ready. Going gradually increases the likelihood of success.