STEPMOM

I’ll bet you didn’t grow up wanting to be, or expecting to be a stepdad. I’ll bet you had little training in being a stepdad. But you fell in love with a woman with children, and here you are, trying to figure it out and do your best. At least, the research indicates that stepdads have a somewhat easier time of it than stepmoms do – children are more likely to be accepting of your being a stepdad than they might be of a stepmom coming into their lives. And although the myth of the wicked stepmother is much stronger than the myth of the mean stepdad, it is a stereotype you’ll have to deal with. Whether you’re new at the job, or well into being a stepdad and find yourself in murky waters, here are a few tips to help you:

Concentrate on your relationship as a couple, and make it strong. Without the couple lasting, you won’t have a family anyway. And the children will get over their resistance to your being a stepdad much better, when they see your relationship with their mother as a lasting, committed one. A strong couple in charge of the home provides the foundation of security they need, especially after going through divorce.

Take time to develop a positive relationship with the children before becoming a disciplinarian. The children will rebel, either outwardly or passively by acting out in other ways, if you take over the disciplinarian role without bonding with them first. If you don’t start with a positive foundation, your efforts will backfire and your relationship with them will suffer on the long-term.

It may seem to you that your wife is too easy on the children, or that their behavior is out of control. This is a big subject. If being a stepdad is your first experience in parenting, please take some time to learn about the developmental stages of children to get a better sense of what’s normal at their ages. Be open to learning, and share your observations with your wife in a constructive way, without blaming. While it can be hard for a protective mom to hear it, it is common in single parent homes for the parent to let go some control to keep everything together. Children in single parent homes may have been given more power in the household than is best for them. Agree together on a plan to change the rules of the household, and make sure your wife has handed over power to you before you take over the role. Then go slowly. The best approach is to come up with a set of house rules as a couple, and have their mom be the one to institute those rules – and you back her up.

Refrain from rushing into being a stepdad with an authoritarian style. Many of us were raised in authoritarian households (“Do what I say because I say so”, accompanied by harsh discipline.), but this style is shown to have poor long term results, compared to an authoritative style (clear and consistent rules, with natural and logical consequences, balanced by warmth and responsiveness). Take the time as a couple to learn more about parenting styles that work. Some excellent systems are available, such as Raising Responsible Kids, Love and Logic, and the old standby, Parent Effectiveness Training. Your being a stepdad who is willing to work together with the mother towards developing effective approaches to the children’s behavior will go a long way towards securing your wife’s support, trust and everlasting appreciation.

If you have no children of your own, being a stepdad may feel like a real outsider position. The others in the family have strong bonds already developed – of blood as well as shared history (as well as stories, memories and inside jokes you’re not a part of). It can be very painful to feel like you’re an outsider who doesn’t fit in. But don’t force it; it is up to the mother to invite you in, and up to you to let the children set the pace for their bonding with you. Building good relationships with the children takes time, and the older they are when you start, the more time it can take. Allow yourself to grow into the role.

If you have children of your own, and you don’t have full custody of them, know that being a stepdad will also be accompanied by some guilt. Here you are being a stepdad to kids who are not your own, while your own children get less of you! Make sure you do what you can to keep your relationship with your own children satisfying as well. The complexities of stepfamily life in a situation where children from each side have different schedules require a tremendous balancing act by the couple.

If you’re wise, you will put aside assumptions and expectations about the children’s personalities, likes and dislikes. My husband had been an avid baseball player as a kid, and also (as a future engineer) shared many hours with his dad building things, working on cars, etc. He came into our marriage thinking that being a stepdad of a boy, he would bond by doing the same things. It didn’t work; my son (who is now a grad student in history and a writer) was neither mechanically inclined nor interested in sports. The two of them didn’t bond until my husband put away his expectations, and learned to see his stepson for who he was. It took time, but the two of them appreciate one another now, and their different personalities enrich our family.

Be easy on yourself. Being a stepdad means unselfishly giving of your financial resources, time, and caring to a child or children who are not your own; it means giving up the privacy and quiet of a life without children for all the havoc they can create. There will be times when you’re resentful, angry or frustrated. Get away a bit, take care of yourself, and be honest with your partner. Being a stepdad is a huge sacrifice, and one that you are making because you love your wife. Let her know how much your appreciation means to you.

The road to stepfamily success necessarily has some bumps in it, and it will present you with more opportunities for learning than you might have imagined. It will also trigger you more often than you’d like, bringing up past unresolved issues from both your childhood and your earlier relationships. If you consider these as opportunities to grow, then you will find that being a stepdad eventually brings great rewards in your life- with your relationship, and with your stepchildren who will appreciate you more and more over time (well, maybe when they grow up! – but that’s how it is with kids).