On Being a Stepmom
Being a stepmom is arguably the most difficult and demanding position in the stepfamily. In Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin provides an excellent survey of the research on stepfamilies, which indicates that stepdads are more easily accepted than stepmoms, and that they don’t struggle to the same extent with their role.
Being a stepmom has a heavy cultural overlay that must be overcome if she is to meet with love, acceptance or even basic respect; and that is the stereotype of the Wicked Stepmother. The evil stepmother is a well-known character in fairy tales going back centuries – Cinderella, Snow White and Hansel and Gretel, to name just a few. Because this myth is embedded in the subconscious mind of our culture, it is often assumed by the children in a new stepfamily to have some truth in it. Too often, when the word “stepmother” is uttered, the first word associated with it, subconsciously, is a scary or negative one.
If the father of the children remains passive when his child or children act with resentment or hostility towards her, that’s when being a stepmom can result in her association with the myth of the evil stepmother becoming “hard-wired”. That’s when the kids feel justified in their opinion of the stepmother, since his not backing her up is taken as tacit approval of (or agreement with) their behavior. True, the biological dad may be feeling a good deal of conflict about being stuck in the middle between his wife and his child(ren) – and perhaps his ex as well. But this conflict must be faced and worked through, otherwise the chances of this stepfamily’s success will decline, as this situation spirals downward.
Being a stepmom can be a thankless job, too. If there is a joint custody situation, she’s often expected to do all the things that their mom would do (carting the kids around, cooking, cleaning and doing their laundry, helping with homework, and on an on), but somehow she doesn’t receive the credit or appreciation. This is another, opposite cultural expectation of the stepmom, (swinging to the opposite side of the pendulum from the evil stepmother) that she should put the children first “no matter what”, denying her needs and feelings to make everything comfortable and easy for her stepkids. If you find yourself being a stepmom in this category, who bends over backwards to “do for them” and get them to love you, you might wear yourself out with exhaustion, and find resentment building under the surface, which eventually must erupt.
I often hear women who have thrown themselves into this image of being a stepmom, whisper that their stepchildren have told them they wish she were their mom instead, or say with great satisfaction that the stepchild gets along better with her than with their real mom. I admit to having done this on occasion too. While it is a help for the children to have another adult resource when their relationship with their parent is unsatisfying, that sense of rivalry with the biological mother promotes an artificial relationship and will eventually create a problem of some sort – unless it can be done without the comparison, where the stepmom wants to come out “on top”.
Neither the evil stepmother or the perfect stepmom are acceptable ways of being a stepmom. In my case, I was pretty determined to have a family that functioned well and generally got along. I wasn’t willing to continue being seen as the evil stepmother (although I did wear that hat for a period of time – mostly putting up with sideways rejection, anger and sullenness). I wasn’t willing to give up, accepting a distant or hostile relationship with my stepdaughter. Nor was I willing to offer “I’ll do everything for you and give you everything you want”. Heck, I had just come out of being a single mother for nine years, having to be both mom and dad, and I wasn’t going to get into another long-term situation of doing it all. I had worked hard to train my son to be a “cooperative member of the household”, and I wasn’t going to give up on that plan – and I just don’t make a good doormat.
So I took a third alternative – and I am suggesting this one for other courageous souls, who are willing to get their hands dirty a bit in relationships, and who are willing to make some (occasionally ugly) mistakes along the way. Sometimes it seemed we were going backwards instead of forwards when I told the truth about how I felt – but in the long run it would spiral up again…
This way of being a stepmom requires good communication and honesty – and lots of it. And it must be managed in a positive way. Most importantly, the stepcouple must understand the importance of the strength of their relationship to the success of the stepfamily. As Susan Wisdom says in her book, Stepcoupling, the couple is the foundation and the glue of the family. The couple must do what it takes to understand one another’s side of the conflict and work through it. They must find a way to support one another and let the children know that both are committed to one another and making their marriage work.
And then being a stepmom is about being real. I had to learn to express myself and to listen to the other members of the stepfamily express themselves. Sometimes it wasn’t as pretty as I wanted it to be, and sometimes my “I” statements had a little undercurrent of attack in them. But express I did, and I encouraged them to express too (my stepdaughter would say I got defensive when she expressed – and she’d be right). Yet those in my stepfamily knew, deep down, that I was trying. And I knew that they were trying too. And gradually, we worked our way through the conflict and the ugly feelings and forged relationships that are real – and meaningful. It took a lot of work, a lot of time, a lot of developing communication skills, and a lot of courage. Still there are some “stepfamily growing pains” that we’ll never see eye-to-eye on. We leave those aside, mostly now, and focus on the positive good in our relationships.
So, being a stepmom is an opportunity – in becoming stepmom, you have taken on a very complicated challenge. It’s a challenge that can be a tremendous opportunity to learn the skills it takes to forge a real understanding with your husband, and to find the balance that’s right for you with your stepchildren. Your family has to find its unique balance. Throw out the stereotypes on both sides, and roll up your sleeves!
(12 votes, average: 3.33 out of 5)
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Well said! It’s a good idea for stepmoms to “give themselves a break” and not expect themselves to have identical love for their stepchildren as they do for their own. It may gradually develop, but it will never be the same. If you are expected to take over the parental responsibilities for the parents, then perhaps it’s time for a conversation to put up some boundaries. You might really benefit from The Stepfamily Success Course. Get the Intro class for free, and if it’s helpful, sign up for the class. It covers all the major issues that stepmoms commonly face, and gives excellent support and advice to deal with them. All the best to you!
Just bookmarked your site, thanks for sharing!
Thank-you. I am struggling with this and your article helped me. I appreciate it.
Good advice! I struggle to find info where a woman without children of her own has joined a ready-made family. I am 29 and became a sep-Mom to 3 young kids last year. I don’t have children of my own and am not going to have. I am happpy but it has been an immense challenge. I started off by quitting my job and looking after them full-time but after 8 months their Mom had got her act together and took them back. I’m doing the best I can but I read and take all the advice I can get too.
I have been lucky enough to marry the most amazing man who doesn’t think that his kids are perfect and we have a great relationship and I can talk to him about anything to do with the kids.
I have been a stepmother for 6 months now and I find it getting more difficult, not easier. I don’t have the support of my husband when it comes to having my stepson clean up after himself or participate in any family activities. I have a teenage son myself and he and my stepson have nothing in common and don’t really even communicate at all. It is really taking its toll on our marriage. I try to talk to my husband about the situation, but he just seems to throw his hands up in the air not knowing what to do so I feel like I am the only one worried about it.
i really am scared stiff of becoming a stepmom, which will be soon! i don’t know the first thing to do. i am good with kids but doubts regarding my handling with my soon-to-be stepkids are killing me? what if they’ll hate me? what if their mom would make daily appearances? i could just pull my hair out. the kids are young, ages 3 and 4, would they respond to me like usual kids do? i really am floundering in here!
I’m sorry to have to say this, but looking back, if I could see the future as it is now, I dont think I could do it again. I love my husband with all my heart, but I did not think it would get WORSE as the years past. My step-daughter was 5 1/2 when my husband and I met, and now shes about to turn 15 and it is HORRIBLE. I’m pulling my hair out here. I’d consider EVERYTHING before you make a life-long decision.
It is hard being a parent, step or otherwise.All parents feel unloved and unnapreciated. The difference is that when you are a step-parent, you will ALWAYS feel like an outsider, because you are!FACT. This is normal. If you feel you cannot cope with feeling like you don’t belong and cannot put the long term needs of the children first then it’s ok, you are not a failure you just have other priorities.Damage limitation is then the key, don’t string it out just make the break clean for all concerned. BUT please try to find a way of living that limits these feelings as they are the one sure way of guaranteeing that the children will never bond with you.Love them and nurture them and they WILL respond, eventually.You are not blood but you are a family and these days more than 50% of blood families are split, so, it’s not a secret club, it’s not a code that you will never have, it’s just real life and every single experience is different.Don’t let resentment creep in,TALK TALK TALK then… Do what feels right,true and honest.
Well I have a doozie of a situation and probably alot of stepmoms deal with the same issue as me. In my situation, I have been raising my stepchildren for ll.5 years and the mother only wants her children after her dates, only if she is feeling well, and if it doesn’t affect her life in any way as far as her free time goes…..which she seems to need every week. I have raised these children, put them first before me, have made sure they did well in their grades, and have done everything for them for them including guided them down the right path so that one day they can be successful adults who can take care of themselves. Meanwhile the children (SS 20 yo, SD 15 yo), well the SD wants nothing to do with her mom if she can help it and the SS is starting out in the working world trying to become the responsible adult he can. I call the bio-mom our 55 yo daughter because she hasn’t or refuses to grow up. Her first on an even balance as her men, then her children next if it doesn’t interfere with her schedule or her life. I have had enough of her irresponsibility to the point that I have already ended up in the hospital for a stress related heart attack due the accumulation of the bio-mom putting 100% of her responsibilities on me for 11 years. These are her children and she refuses to be the normal mother to them.
I’m at my the end of my rope and not sure what to do. I have been told by some close friends that they aren’t my children and that the responbility should be put on her. I have become older, wrinkles, tired, worn out,in the last few years and used to look beautiful and used to be a teen model and the stress put upon my shoulders by a bio-mom is taking its toll on me emotionally as well as physically. It’s like her saying to me…”I’m the bio-mom and you are obligated for every whim and responsibility I have and you will take care of my children.”
I love these children and I have taken total responsiblity of them and their needs but the situation has become unhealthy for me to the point of feeling severely being taken advantage of by her. My SD wants nothing to do with her bio-mom. She says she hates her and does not like her and she refuses to visit or call her mom because of her mother’s alienation from her daughter.
I don’t know what to do. I feel lost like I have no where to turn to anyone to talk to. That is why I am asking for advice here.
Please help.
Hello, I have never been a step parent until about 2 1/2 yrs ago. I have been finding it very hard being in this position. My step childrens mother has made it very very hard on not only me but her own children. Telling them how to act and she doesn’t even have them full time. Just on the weekends as a PT parent. Is there anything else that can help me along my journey to help with the lying, doing things out of spite, ignoring, and so on and so fourth. Keep in mind they are only 5 and 6 and i would expect this kind of behavior out of older children around 10 or so but idk. HELP i feel like i am drowning. I do everything for them, i’m there for every school party, event, everything at home. I don’t work so i have nothing else better to do i’m not complaining about that. I’m looking for suggestions on how to change their behavior in the house to make things easier for them and myself. I have so much frustration built up towards their mother is it unreal. I have no way or idea to focus it on something else instead of keeping it built up inside. b/f wont talk to her b/c he said it will do no good she will just do what she wants when she wants to do it. Thanks for listening and opent to ANY suggestions.
Thank you for the suggestions…I am very much struggling.
It’s amazing how you can feel alone in your struggles then you find this site and WOW – not alone.
I am a step mom to a girl and boy for 7 years now. Started out well but honestly the children were not the issue it was the mother. Her relationship with my husband has gotten worse over the years making it hard for the kids. I haven’t been perfect but I have always encouraged honestly even if we don’t want to hear it. Like the author said, I threw myself into the roll of doing everything for those kids, was supportive of their mother but when the kids run to their mom and say dad won’t get me a haircut or buy me a phone she does it then tells my husband he is unreasonable. Her house has no rules, our does but always with conversation. Two years ago his daughter went to live with her mom and now his son has done the same. Husband is devastated. Honestly I feel relief, I feel that my husband and I can get on with our lives and what I mean by that is the ex’s intervention is over. He can be the fun dad and she and her husband can be the parents which is what she has wanted all the entire time. I really understand what Shelly is going through. Parents need to put there crap aside and be the parents to their children regardless. Thanks
Shelly I am in you exact shoes! It is so hard!! My boyfriends childern are 4 and 6. They are great kids but their mother acts as if she doesnt care about them at all! and to top it off she tells them not to listen to me, basically that i am a bad person and dont bother talking to me. Sometimes I am hard on them but they are bad listeners . they dont listen to their father. I have a great relationship with him but i hope this doesnt tear us apart. Their mother is getting in the way! SHe is a crazy B*tch. SHe will lie all the time about where she is going or when she will be picking up the kids and ends up she is out drinking all the time! I am not sure what to do. I know im not there mother but they need a good role model in their lives. what do you do?
My husband and I are fighting and he wants to separate from our marriage. We have been married for 4 years and been together for 6 years and we both have 2 daughters each they are all in the same age range. My husband’s one daughter is disabled and she is 24yrs old however she has her own family now and her own home. He still treats her like she is 5 years old baby talks to her on the phone and so forth. In his daughters eyes I am a wicked stepmom who doesn’t want them around however I am trying my best to make things work. I am the one that is always apologizing and trying to make amends but as soon as I say “no” they say that I hate them and don’t make them feel welcome. My husband picks up for them all the time and never wants to listen to my side of the story he only points the finger and says I hate his daughters just because I say “no” at times. I am really at my wits end and don’t know what to do anymore. I love him but I am starting to lose feelings for him because he is pushing me away.
It is so good to see I am not alone in this world of step parenting!!! I am sure I am not the only one that knows the “step parent alone” feeling. It is hard to find someone that can really understand and feel where you are coming from. You truly have to have been a SM to know the feeling of always being in 2nd place. I have an 11 year old step daughter, and I have been her step mother since she was 3 years old. She has always been a joy to have as a step daughter, but she has now gone through puberty!!!! Need I say anymore!!! Also her mother and that home life is a hard one to deal with. Her mother is very lazy, does not do even the min of parenting she should. I agree, and I could not say it any better; I read throughout the blog…”Step mothering is a thankless job!!!” You do and do, and credit is never given to the correct person. I find my step daughter building her mother up to be something she would like her to be, but she clearly is not. I would just like to say THANK YOU!! Thank you to all the hard working, caring, good hearted and tolerant step moms out there. I think they need a special holiday just for us.
This is a long one ya’ll grab a cup of coffee:)
I am 22 yo my b/f is 36 yo and his son is a smart 6 Yo. I spend most of my time w his when he is here which is 3 days/ week alternating weeks 4 days. My bf works from home so we are both here all the time. His son loves me, wants to sleep next to me( which I have a growing concern of, he doesn’t want to do anything alone), and is always In need of being the center of things, even my bf and I’s relationship I feel. I’m very honest and open with both of them, so the discussion of house rules is understood but, seems as if I am the only one who knows how to reinforce those rules. It is almost as if his father agrees with his behavior. He’s always jumping on the bed and couch nonstop energy almost as if he’s TRYING to piss me off. His father treats him as if he is still a little baby and I hate it. His father doesn’t follow through with his threats of time out or taking away priveledges. His mother is extremely selfish and bickers with my bf and makes decisions only for herself that have negative effects on the poor kid. He tells his mother that he wishes he could call me his step mom (which I pretty much am) and she yelled at him telling his he should just go live with us then! It seems as if my stepson is closer with me than anyone. Their family didn’t have emotional openness so he hesitates to talk to me. Some days he hates me and is purposely EVIL, and other days he is close w me asks questions talks with me says ” I wish I could call you mommy”. Guess I have lots of issues going on with this sitch, but a very hard one is always putting them both first before myself, cooking cleaning, disciplining, carting around sometimes, trying to fulfill their needs and I only feel like a doormat. I have no emotional support here I will take any kind of advice and help I can get its extremely depressing and my make me have to opt out of this life….
I too find it hard at times to be a stepmom, though I prefer to call myself a “bonus mom”. I hate the stigma of step mother, so impersonal and in todays society evil step mother, step monster are titles I don’t want related to me. I have 3 beautiful bonus daughters and no biological children of my own. They are by 2 different mothers. The first mother is kind but very territorial, never directly mean to me but wants me to know their her daughters. Which I have no problem with. I come from divorced parents that both remarried when I was young. The second biological mother is how can I say this nicely… crazy… not mean really but her daughter was 2 when I got her and has wanted to call me mommy since then. I have neither encouraged nor discouraged her from doing it. She doesn’t but talks about it quite frequently. I simply tell her to call me whatever she wants. She said if she did she wouldn’t tell her mom. All 3 feel they must hide how they feel about me to their mothers. I feel that must be a burden they should not have to carry. I don’t want to replace their mothers I want to a bonus for them. The girls love me and I love them with all my heart. I find being a “bonus mom” one of the hardest things I have ever done, ever! I also find it rewarding. My husband I and I plan on having our own child and maybe then I can know what that is to have the freedom to love a child without pissing someone off. I want the very best for the girls and I want to be an important person in their lives but know that their mothers will always make them keep me at arms length. The biological mothers are remarried and the encourage their daughters to treat their husbands as their father. They get father’s day presents, card, birthday presents etc. Such a double standard. Thankful my husband is confident enough in his relationship with the girls that he doesn’t mind sharing his daughters… Being a step parent is the hardest job in the world. You don’t have to just love your kids you have to walk on eggshells with they bio parents…
Im having lots of problems in being a step mom i am 21years old im with a 48 year old man he got two daughters their age are 14 and 15. People been telling me that im being more a friend then a step mom what can i do?
thanks for writting this i’m 27 and have 2 step kids of 10 and 13.. the situation with them has gone so far down hill that my marriage is on the rocks. i find the lack of respect first from the mother but also from the kids now so frustrating. i’m pregnant with our 2nd child and this weekend it got to much with the back chat from the kids after i asked them to do something. My husband feels they arent my children so i shouldnt tell them what to do ( but this is my house to).
Ive tried asking if we can have little family meetings to air our views and sort things out but my husband lacks communication skills, ive tried steping back and letting him do everything for them but then small things like getting their rooms ready or tidying up ect dont get done.
i’m at a lose to get my husband to see how hard it is with out his support but he always sides with the children.
Weve been together almost 7 yrs and married for 1 ( our anniversary is tomorrow) but this wedge created by the lack of communication and the hostility ( plus the negativiveness towards me from ex wife) looks like its finally ended our marriage.
I feel bad saying this, but I don’t love my step-kids like my own. Other than being my husband’s children I feel absolutely not more connection with them than the neighbors kids. I became their stepmom when they were 3 and 4. I’m there for them when they need me and I always treat them well and do loving motherly things, but I do not feel like their mother and do not feel the same motherly love I feel for my own children or even my own nieces and nephews. I love my husband more than anything in the world and I’ve never told him this and never will. Here is some advice to soon-to-be step moms: no matter how much you play mom to them, you will never feel for them what you feel for your own children.
I agree, a step parents role is incredibly difficult. I never introduce myself to people as the kids step mum in fear of the instant negative judgement the title conjures. There a days when I’m overwhelmed by everyone’s needs and problems as well as being under constant ‘evil step mum’ suspicsion by my partner. I came into this relationship with excitement of having a man I loved and a new family to be apart of. Instead, I have incurred constant criticism from my partner for my attempts to help raise and love the kids, keep our home working and our financial survival. I have no children of my own and no real experience with children prior to our family and naively assumed that I would receive guidance and support from my partner, but due to his own circumstances, he spent the first 2 years of our relationship in a state of depression and anger while I muddled through. I’ve made ugly mistakes and I’ve had ultimate wins. I have waited, cared and loved this family through thick and thin. I cook, clean, share expenses with education, clothing, entertainment, pocket money. I arrange birthdays, Christmas and the family holidays. The kids are lovely, sweet and caring but due to my constant struggle with their father, I’m becoming resentful. The ‘evil’ suspicions have made me so sensitive and low that I now sadly just cry. I have no fight in me or confidence left. I have read articles, books and forums that the couple are the glue and the measure of success in a blended family.. is this really true? I am neglected and under appreciated and lonely. Any attempt to voice how I’m feeling turns into a fight and he doesn’t fight fair.. Being mimicked, shouted at or belittled infront of the kids further sets me back, embaresses me and lowers me into my own depression. Why did I stay? Because I knew what he’d been through prior to us meeting and I saw potential in a man which is relived during his ‘good months’ and not to desert the kids when they needed someone when they had no one. He is now a very loving and attentive father. Sacrifices all his time and attention to be everything they need but doesn’t balance this with me. I really don’t know what to do, how to fix his attitude towards me or whether to just leave. I mean, if he truley valued me and loved me, he wouldn’t treat me as he does would he?
I need HELP! me and my husband have been married a year he is 38 and iam 28. He has a 7 year old son. He only sees him for 4 weeks in the summer and one week in the winter and few scattered days in between. (his son lives in texas with his mother and step father)W have no children of our own. I thought becoming a step mother was going to be a fantastic job. Well its not. his son was 5 when i met him and he didnt really take to me then and still hasn’t really. he not a devil child or anything but VERY SPOILED. There are NO rules while he is here cause my husband spoils him cause he only sees him a short time. My other problem is my MOTHER-INLAW. my step sons mother figure is her of course cause iam still so new. BUT my husband stays at his mothers house ALL DAY. she makes them brakfast dinner lunch snacks any and everything. I DONT EVEN GET THE CHANCE TO “TRY TO BE A STEP MOM CAUSE OF HER. She recently lost her husband and this is why my husband says he stays over there so much when his son is here. He says she dosnt have anybody and its what makes her. Iam trying t be senstive to this but, I FEEL LIKE A FREAKING 3RD WHEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…Every time his son comes to stay me and my husband fight like crazy. This last time he told me that he thinks i dont want his son here at all,,……PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME GIVE ME ADVICE ON WHAT TODO…Plus my step son is the shyest little boy you have ever met. and ofter makes his father carry him around like a BABY as he calls it (he is 7)
I just became a stepmom too. I married a man with two kids (5 and 7 yr old girls). I think he did a good job raising them because they are well behaved girls but sometime our values clash. I was raised in a family where respect was a big deal. However, he seems to not care too much about it. I see his daughters, as little as they are, talks back at him all the time. Sometimes he gets into arguments with them and the sad part is it seems they are winning the argument. This bothers me a lot. Also, they like to lie, especially the older one. When caught lying, my husband just kind of brush it off. I feel like his inability to address the issue is letting the girls think these behaviors are acceptable. But at the same time I feel this are not my kids and I don’t have a say. What do I do? Do I just let them be?
Im glad I’m not alone.
My fiance has 3 kids. 12, 10 and 8. They are incredibly hyper, yell constantly, lie, steal and curse like crazy.
I swear they are driving me crazy. They visit every Wednesday and every second weekend. I dread those days.
In their mothers house there are no rules. Her and her new husband have not set any rules.
They can ride bike and swim during lightening storms or play outside during snow storms and do what they want when they want. I have 1 child from a previous marriage. He’s 15. Together my fiancé and I have a 2 year old son.
I have rules. I’m not even close to being a strict parent, but I have expectations of my children. I expect good behavior. I don’t think that’s asking for much. I expect there to be consequences to misbehavior. We make plans to do all these things to keep the kids entertained. But due to their behavior we don’t end up doing them.
Then they go home and tell their mother they don’t want to come here because it’s boring. I swear it’s like talking to the wall with these kids. It don’t help that their mother tells them they are not allowed to hug/kiss/like or love me. Shes told them that they don’t have to listen to us and to misbehave. They actually get rewarded for their behavior when they go back. It makes me sick.
I’m so frustrated. I’ve thought about leaving sooooo many times. But I love my fiancé so very
Much. I feel lost.
Any tips? Please.
Aftee reading all the comments I don’t feel alone no more. I just became a step mom of a 7 year old girl a couple months ago and I’m about to give birth to my first child (a boy). My husband and I keep on getting into these arguments because I feel he demands too much out of me. First it was that he feels I Like his dtr because she’s not being and inconvenience. I’m very straight forward with him, My own child will
Come first for me and my side of the family, and he doesn’t agree, he says that I have to treat both kids the same. I’m not opposed to it but at the end of the day she’s not my responsibility I didn’t bring her to this world so why would I have to go out of my way???
I have to mention the mother is an idiot, we have to pay for her health insurance and pretty much everything. I also make more money than he does which makes me annoyed that I had to combine my income.
Our last fight was that my parents need to put up w her just like they’d have to put up w their real grandson and when I said NO WAY, he got furious he says that I dot have a good heart and that I shouldn’t be like that.
I’m so frustrated because if my husband and I split up I cannot expect my future partner and his family to treat my child like their own, it isn’t their responsibility, I’d appreciate ur comments because I feel lost and angry at the whole situation
I have been with my husband now for 4 years, married 9 mos. ago. I have been a single mom for 8 years of 2 children and my ex husband is gravely ill so I have been both mom and dad to both my kids for quite sometime. My now husband is a father of 6, three failed marriages, two kids with each. Kids are ages 26-9 and now only 3 under the age of 18. I am reaching out for some advice from those that may be or who have gone through what I am going through or if a counselor intercepts perhaps she/he could lend some help as well.
I am from a very large family myself, so meeting my husband with that many kids wasn’t so scary as it was knowing he had been married and divorced now his 3rd time. Over the first 5 months of us dating I had met all the kids and they all gave Dad their approval. Always awesome to hear when you are liked. Shortly after that, his debt was piling up as was his stress to keep it all together while we was knee deep into his 3rd divorce, so to help him out I offered to move him in with my two children and also provide a private room for his children while he had custodity of them. We both thought this was a WIN WIN!! My children were happy to have a Dad like guy around and our daughters are only weeks apart so they were very happy too. Our sons get along well also however there is like 6 years between them. Everything was going well until the 3rd wife who happens to be a Fed employee started trouble. She made up bogus complaints to CPS and had them sent to our home numerous of times and even my childrens school where they had to be stripe searched to check for “foul play”. My children were humiliated and scared to say the least. Finally the visits stopped after a letter to my now husbands ex wife’s superior. There were never any findings but with all the visits to my home it caused my application for in home daycare to be denied. The next year would prove to be even more difficult, when the two younger children would come over it was always upsetting for all of us. My own husband boyfriend at the time did not truly enjoy their visits as they were either shortened due to disruptive temper tantrums from his two kids fighting and then would call their mom to pick them up or too no visits for his week at all because their mom would take them on elaborate vacations on his week or for the smallest son now age 9, he was told if he stayed with mom he could be taken to Toys R Us for a video game. That was probably the saddest thing there because it was absolutely against his doctors/therapist to allow him to engage in “elecronic” games due to anxiety/bi-polar disorder. She didn’t care, she was more into the whole “power trip” she had over everyone. Anyhow, these were only 2 of the 6, but definitely the most concerning do to the recent divorce , their ages and the fact my now husband was actually fighting for custodity. The older ones lived about 30 miles from us and we would see them on holidays and birthdays. Their mom and my husband were only married for about 2 years. Dad left that marriage after the mom beat him up one last time when his youngest son was like 1. A unplanned pregnancy brought them together in the beginning and the mom thought getting pregnant 2 months after she gave birth would save the marriage! Sad forsure, as these are two beautiful kids but there is definitely some issues with how they were raised. As I reached out to those kids, it was merely like an older sister approach, being nice to them, inviting them over for meals, including them in all family activities and making sure they knew that I loved their dad and i was happy to have them around us. His older son would be easier to talk to and have around the his older sister. Everytime she was around it was drama, either in her personal life with men, her estranged relationship with her mom or the fact that her father went on to have other daughters and she wasn’t the only one on the planet. At the age of 23 she would still call him “Daddy Daddy”, or sit on his lap like a two year old would. Of course I never said anything, but the night before we moved up towards his job, our friends threw us a party and she came with her boyfriend. The party was to have our family and friends say goodbye and wish us well until we see eachother again. It ended up being a drama night for his oldest daughter crying all night about her life with and without her dad in front of like 50 people. Needless to say, it was upsetting.
The two middle children lived near my husbands job some 500 miles away from where we were currently living. Their dad would see them like twice a month and if possible they would come to our house like once or twice a year. These two girls would be the easiest and friendlist of all and they were very easy to love. I will give such awersome credit to their mom for how polite and well behaved they always were. A breath of fresh air compare to the other four. On that day when my then boyfriend now husband told me about his promotion and if I would like to take our relationship to a new level with this move, I was scared but excited. I knew it meant selling my home, my business, leaving behind family and friends, but to be with the man I loved, my kids, and his two daughters who were so nice to me and mine, I said YES!!
The next few months were bitter sweet, it was cold and lonely here and my only friend happened to be my step daughters mom, but that soon would change. The town we live in is small and everyone knows your business, good and bad. Sadly our friendship grew apart and now so has the relationships with my step daughters. Their Dad and I finally said our vows about 9 months ago. It was a spontaneious time, the end of the year and just weeks before my new business would open its doors. We were scrambling for an affordable site, before the end of the year which gave away to the years biggest holidays and finally the day we picked happened to fall on his oldest daughters birthday. With that being said, she refuses to talk to me, she is okay with her dad but not with me and he is the one who suggested the day not the date, both of us not realizing it was her birthday until the Evites went out. Only 2 of his 6 kids showed up for the wedding, but I was okay with that. I knew the younger ones would be difficult do to their lack of manners and that day was to be about my husband and I not actuall about them really. Now some 9 mos. after the fact, I periodically send my step daughter text messages to say “hello” and was thinking of her and hope she would come for a visit but never get a reply. Sad forsure. The two girls that we now live just a few miles from rarely come over and their mom hates me. The older son is also a breath of fresh air and doesn’t seem to hold onto the past. He is a brilliant muscian and is friendly to my children and I. The two smaller children now come for 6 weeks out of the year but I don’t expect too much from them as they are young and are under their mom’s rule. I am most concerned with how to deal with the two daughters here though, I am always so nice and genuine with them but I think their mom never thought that her ex would find someone sort of like who she is and maybe there is some resentment there i’m not exactly sure I just hear this from people who know us both. The sad thing is, we don’t see them as much and now it’s a I only wanna see my dad by himself kinda thing and it’s truly separating the family and I as both of my children like them.
Any suggestions?
First day of first grade and both parents had to work since they are in the military. I woke him up, I packed his lunch with a little note telling him have a great day with a big smiley face on it, made him breakfast, I took a thousand pictures before we left the house. We finally get to school, and I take a thousand more pictures. I wait for him to meet his teacher, I walk him to class and gave him a big hug and kiss… and took some more pictures.
When I picked him up from school, I couldn’t wait to hear all about his first day. He told me he wrote a letter to his mom and dad in class and wanted me to see it. I felt a knot in my heart, because that’s when I realized that I am and will never be acknowledged for anything.
Wow! I am looking for some helpful tips and useful strategies for dealing with a temperamental and unstable birth mother. The original post was a balanced step in the right direction. I thought the comments might contain some helpful tips from other stepmoms. Holy moly ladies!
Despite all that my husband and I go through. I try to always keep in mind it is about helping raise a healthy, happy, independent child. Despite what I might want to do for my stepchild, it’s really not about me. It’s about helping my husband and his mother make the best decisions FOR HIM. It’s awfully hard, it’s not forever, and it will never be perfect.
What I read in these posts is “woe is me. life sucks for me. what about me?!”. When you take on a step-family, you don’t get to be the mom or the one in charge. No one person is truly “in charge”.
It’s ball of fun, confusion, craziness, frustration, love, hate, and all that life has to offer. I’m certainly not advocating throwing yourself under the bus and being a doormat, but you’ve got to define what is acceptable to you, take all the actions of your stepchildren and their birth moms with a grain of salt, and learn to breathe deeply and count to 10, 20, 100 or 1000…
I have also found in any type of situation, documenting things helps. Our birth mom likes to move about 1 – 2x every six months, sometimes once a month. It helps that we keep track of her various addresses and phone numbers, all in a spreadsheet (using google docs, which is free!). We also keep track of expenses (things we buy for him, money we give her, etc). Not only does this help when we deal with her, it helps me keep my husband remembering too
In addition, we have a written rules chart that we all (kids & parents) agreed to, decorated, and signed. We post it on the wall and it’s easy to refer to!
Good luck to all of you!
I much appreciate your “emotionally intelligent” approach to the complex challenges of stepfamily life! I’m in the midst of writing a book for stepmoms, and it seems like your experience would be great for including in the book. May I interview you for it?
Anything that would help put some more intelligent, useful (and not so hateful) information out there would be great. You can email me at the address included here. I wouldn’t mind discussing online or via phone, but would also like to see a first draft of the book (or at least any parts pertaining to me) prior to publication. I would be happy to sign any sort of confidentiality/non disclosure agreement required.
I would buy that book!
Holy crap! This all just sounds awful…
I’ve just fallen in love with a man who has full custody of his two children aged 14 and 8 and he wants me to move in.
I was feeling great about it as we all seem to get on but reading all this has just sent big shivers down my spine!!!
There have been some small issues I have clocked which are going to have to be sorted but no-one here is talking about any joys in step-parenting!
Are there any????
Boy can I relate! My hubby and I have just passed our year anniversary. I am 33, he is 42. He, previously married with one son age 14, and I never married with two sons age 8 & 9. We have a 1 1/2 year old daughter together and another on the way. Whew. The father of my two boys has just recently showed up, most likely because of my getting married. Otherwise, I have been a single mom for their entire lives. My husband has been divorced for maybe 5 years now. His son, a teenager continues to live and act as if he is an only child.. a teenage one yet to boot. I am a doormat kinda gal, with a cracked sense of esteem, but with strong values and determination. Especially a determination when it comes to all the kiddos.. ie: they WILL NOT go through what I did in my younger years.. Lord willing! The main dilemna comes from the 4 “men” in my life.. my hubby, stepson and 2 biological sons… My husband is not a disciplinarian and unfortunately was more of a absent friend to his son until the last few years. I, with many issues of my own, have worked extremely, yes extremely hard on raising my two boys with Jesus in their hearts, gratefulness as their shoes and gentlemenlyness leaving it’s trail. Not so much with the teenager. He is quite the spoiled child.. his mother is QUITE the evil woman (I truly must say evil, as I have never ever ever met a person like her.. she is the epitomy of MEAN). And has rubbed that off onto her son. That and the “I am better than everyone thing.” And the “kiss my butt thing.” Oh Lordy is this tough. We have him here with us 50% of the time.. so I have as much time with him as his own mother.. although I see plenty of you ladies have the sole and primary role of your “bonus” children.. whew.. perhaps that would be a relief if it wasn’t this back and forth. Basically he sees himself as owning the world, can rule my and my husbands life, can boss around my ‘desperate to not get rejected’ boys.. all the while showing them what “saying no to your parents” and “I don’t care” can do.
Let me stop right here. I have to get back to work and I have perhaps shared enough. Truly truly I am just beginning to cover the specs. And truly truly I am counting on my dear Jesus to get me through.. because there’s nothing else left..!!!! Ladies, I am in complete empathy for you.. I hear your hearts.. as I hear my own… I too am desperate for some relief.. from any of the ex’s (be it mine or his!) and from the constant rejection.. for me and for my children. This is why the good Lord says ‘no sex before marriage’.. because it only causes heartache.. this is why He advises against divorce… because we weren’t designed for it.. and then most importantly… this is why we so desperately need His grace. I will not make it through this if I can’t have that..!
I’m a stepmom and it has not been an easy task. Early on into my relationship I was advised from my sister to give 110% into the relationship as a stepmom. This was bad advice, 4 years later I wish I had kept a bit of myself. I gave up alot, moved from a place I loved, stopped being my creative self and and gained weight! I love my fiance and his kids they are now my family and am slowly trying to get myself back. They have a mother that makes minimal effort in their lives which has sucked me dry, I wish their mother was more loving and caring to them as it would alow me to be just a stepmom and enjoy that role more. So if you are a stepmom and the kids have a mother who loves them and is there for them, enjoy that, js. I allowed myself to do too much, so now when I try to do less I feel guilty! lol
Im 26 years old with no kids of my own, I fell in love with someone who has a 11 yr old brat. Yes i said it BRAT. He does what he wants on his own time and never worries about what his parents think. I feel like a doormat as well. This is being too much stress for me to handle. My boyfriends thinks i make a big deal about everything but really he needs to step up his game and discipline him a lot more than he does. I am very good to him, cook, clean, do his laundry, make sure that he has school clothes and school supplies (as his mother does none of this for him). It all comes out of my pocket. This morning he decides to tell me no matter what i tell him, hes trying to forget it.
My BF steps in and tells him he needs to respect me and the way he acts is uncalled for, he told me and him, he outdoes respect me because im not his mother, he will ONLY respect his mother.
Than he told us he was going to be late for school and left! This is too much for me, im too young and dont need this added stress in my life
Hi, wow, this might sound mean, but I am actually so relieved to have finally found this site and am able to see that I am not alone with this situation! Because, that is what the worst part of being a stepmom or “step-girlfriend” is: that feeling of loneliness, that you are never understood from the outside world, because you are seen as the one who is disrupting the peace of a (albeit already crazy) nucleus family.
I met my boyfriend (of five years) a year after his wife threw him out of the apartment (when their son had just turned six months old), and we were friends at the beginning: exactly for the reason that I didn’t want to be blamed for being the one that ended their marriage.
When it was clear that my BF and his wife would not get back together and were in the process of divorcing, we finally got closer and started a relationship.
And yes, my BF has been fighting this divorce procedure, for his custody rights, alimony etc, for the past FIVE years, and there is no end in sight. We are now living together, and he sees his son every second weekend,and for seven weeks of vacation a year.
Not too bad, one would say, except that his son lives in another country (I moved with my boyfriend for his career opportunity!!), so he flies back and forth all the time, and is away at least 4 nights every second week, and exclusively reserves all of his vacation time to spend with his son.
Fine, he obviously wants me to spend the vacation with them as well, but we have not had a proper “couple” vacation just the two of us in the past three years! And is that really too much to ask??
So I am indeed struggling with these limitations, and the other major problem is the son’s mother, who not only speaks badly of his father all the time, but about me as well.
She spoils him rotten, and this six-year-old has more toys combined than you would find at a “Toys R Us”. He does not have any social skills, since he is always the King at home, has behavioural problems at school and is obviously not happy when we then spend a weekend together, and he should actually have to learn how to behave. So the weekends and vacations that we spend together are like a war zone: either I agree and give in to all of his tantrums, or it is a constant battle of wits.
Examples of his behaviour:
I have been slapped in the face by this child in the middle a restaurant, and his list of swear words used against me are longer than those of a drunken sailor.
And his father is struggling as well…but until recently, he has always refused to see that I am not the evil, jealous stepmother as he has claimed for the past four years, but that his son might actually have a problem.
Several of his own friends have finally spoken to him about his son’s antics, and this has caused him to reflect upon the fact that the situation is no longer tolerable.
I am completely torn between giving up my relationship with this man, or sticking it out for better or worse. I have my dreams of marriage and having my own children in the near future, but how is this possible with such an impossible background??
I have been in a step-Mother role for over 5 years now and am coming apart at the seams. I have experienced horrible depression during the past 5 years and was always looking for some where to place the blame for my continued downward spiral. I now know it is the role I have taken in the lives of my husband’s children and the family that I force fed down my own throat. I blame no one else but me for the situation I have put myself. I have been miserable raising other peoples children from the start. My husband and I never had children of our own as we fought a 2.5 year (65,000) court battle for shared custody of the children from his first marriage. He has always expected me to be a Mother to his children an as a naive younger woman I thought that would be okay. It is not! I am resentful and angry most of the time. My DH and I fight all the time when the kids are with us. When it is our week (50/50 shared custody) and the kids are with their Mom we get along wonderfully. When the kids are with us it is a shit show.
I do love his children and I do love him but I completely lost the person I had worked so hard to become before him. I would like to continue a relationship with my husband while living apart. I would like to see the kids often but not be left feeling like I am responsible for children other people decided to bring into the world. I have no doubt that if something does not change we will become a divorce statistic. I feel so unhappy and unfulfilled. I think if I had children of my own I would not feel as if I have given up my entire life for someone elses children. I don’t know how to find happiness for myself within this situation. I have tried time and again to distance myself but I feel as if I am failing my husband and I honestly think he feels the same way.
I married my husband because I love him not because I wanted to take the place of his ex-wife/children’s Mother. Now I may lose it all because I can not be the person he expects me to be with relation to his children.
How do I find myself without losing him. I constantly think about leaving and escaping this life. I wanted much bigger things for myself and I feel as if I have settled for misery instead of fulfillment.
Any advise would be very much appreciated. I don’t want to lose my husband but I am so tired of fighting to see even a glimpse of the person I was when we met. A person I was proud to be and who I felt was on the right track. Now I am off the rails and heading into a major crash.
I have been raising step girls for 5 years now. Their mom was out of their life for six years and decided to come back two years ago. They see her every other weekend and summers but nothing in between. If they don’t contact her she won’t contact them. As they get older it gets harder because more and more I do for them weather its school or getting ready for a dance. They both talk about how much they don’t like their mom, don’t want to go and see her, however makes sure on social media sites that she is a part of their life where she can take credit for all that we do for them here. Because she was absent from their lives for so long we have always let them make their own deceisions on how they feel about her or wanting to visit with her and we don’t interfere….all though now I think they are playing both sides of the field. Its very difficult to do so much for two kids who make you feel like you are so needed so that their real mom can get all the credit.
I am in a relationship now for a year and a half, I am 28 and my boyfriend 34.
He is a divorcee with 2 kids (10 & 13) but is a full time father so the kids live with us and visit their mother every 2nd weekend.
I am struggling to find a balance for myself to feel I belong in the family as my boyfriend had been single for 4 years pior meeting me and living with the kids. During these years they have built their own “structure” and “boundaries”. I have now come into the picture and view alot of there “structure” and “boundaries” from an outsiders perspective.
I find they chose not to listen to me as maybe they feel im “too young” to be an authority figure to them and i am only their dads girlfriend and no one really important.
The younger one asks general questions but when I happily answer he glares at me then looks at his dad and asks the same question as he has no interest in hearing what I have to say.
The daughter is starting her teen years and is a real daddys girl. Last night during a thunder storm I had to leave the bed as she wanted to sleep with her dad and there was not enough room for all of us? – Am I being un reasonable feeling that this was unfair as 1st of all she is a teenager going to highschool next year but my boyfriend did not dispute me leaving the bed for her.
Im left in a situation where we are all fighting over dad attention which is making me pull further and further away and I feel what person am I to make his kids feel as if I am taking him away.
I am so lost and confused on what I can do to bring some sort of balance that we can all be at an understanding.
My issue may be small compared to others but It is very hurtful to me and love my boyfriend very much.
wow ladies… Def nice to see one isnt alone! After reading the various posts, all of which i believe i have experienced in some shape or form, i feel so blessed that i am marrying a man who actually stands by me first. His commitment to me certainly doesnt mean that his children arent a priority but i think its because he sees just how much i care for them. A few weeks before we get married, i can admit that i am petrified that our marriage could be affected by manipulative children but i have faith in him and his understanding of me, for who i am. Afterall, if we werent selfless people, we would have run into hills when we met them and found out about their children. I agree that we need to give ourselves a break… Ive also felt the sheer devastation of doing as much as you can only to be pushed aside for a biological mother who didnt do half of what u did to ensure their happiness or the realisation that they feel guilty to express their true feelings for you out of fear of hurting their mum… Take comfort ladies… All children grow up and they will realise at some point in their life that you loved them and cared for them as much as, if not more than, the biological mothers. That day WILL come. Much love… P.s. Wish me luck for my upcoming nuptials:-)
I feel such relief as I scroll down and read. I too have fallen in this awkward position of a step Mom. Dating a man for five years. His daughter is 8 and I have been the step-girlfriend since she was three. I thought since I came at such a early age it wouldn’t be as hard… Her Mother makes is even harder and I am beginning to feel like I am losing it. I give give give and I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I don’t know where to step in cause I am yelled at if I do and then if I don’t I feel like she will take advantage in the long run. I wish I had a book or instructions on how to deal with this. Thank you to all that have shared. I feel so much relief and not as selfish as I have felt the outsider for many years. I just look forward to having my own children soon so I can feel the love you mothers describe with my own without a constant battle.
I have been with my bf for two years- we are planning on getting married. He has two boys 5 and 7 from a previous relationship. They stay with us Friday through Sunday and vacations from school. There behavior is unlike anything I have seen from children of their age. They swear, scream like two year olds when yet don’t get their own way, and have absolutely no respect for their parents or any other authority figure. Their mother tells them to slap me, yell at me, and that they don’t have to listen to me in my home. They are also told that they don’t have to listen to their father. He is supportive to a point. He tells them to respect me, but then gets annoyed and angry when I try to correct their bad behavior through our agreed upon rules and consequences. Idk what to do anymore. I give and give and spend more time with them then their BM, and still feel unappreciated by both them and my bf. idk if things will get better or if this is all a big mistake. But every weekend I try my hardest to make the best out of our situation. My bf and I would like to try for a child of our own- but I can’t imagine bringing my baby into this chaos and around his children with how mean the are….
I have been in this all too familiar pattern as well. I am just at wits end and too be honest I have thrown my hands up and gave up!! I hate to sound negitive but trust me there has been too much that has happened that the heart is numb to it all now. I have been in my step-son’s (13 & 17 yrs old) lives for almost 11 years and it has not gotten any better. I always try to stay positive and hope for the best but in the end I am the one in tears and a broken heart. I try so hard and feel all the time I am a doormat for my SS’s to walk all over. I don’t do this for my daughter but allow them to do this to me….I don’t think it’s okay for them to treat me that way especially in front of my daughter. My husband gets so stressed out, he will tell me things that I want to hear just so he doesn’t have to deal with it and so I don’t get upset and hurt. But in the end the truth always comes out and things just get worse. My husband and I have a 8 yr old daughter together, she is starting to see how mean my step son’s are and she doesn’t like to be around them much anymore. They can be very mean to her, during her school breaks we have to find her a sitter we cannot leave her w/ them if we are not there. They are older then her but they will gang up on her and be mean to her, the older step son told her to go in her room and stay in there and if she comes out she will be in big trouble, all the while both boys were in the livingroom playing video games she was scared to come out because she didn’t want to get in trouble. Their mom has mentally drilled things in their heads and pays the “poor me” role ALL THE TIME!! Although the boy’s mom is married and has 2 more kids with her husband she doesn’t seem happy and I think she can’t take seeing my husband and I happy so she tries to get back at us in this way. She calls herself a Christian women. That women is just so evil the devil himself wouldn’t want her down in hell with him!! She has told the boys so many negitive things and lies about their dad , and he never says anything in his own defense. He always says that one day they will come to him and ask questions about everything. It hurts him he will express how hurt he is and it just breaks my heart into pieces. I love my husband and we get along, if we do argue it’s about the boys we try not to agrue in front of them but they are so rude, disrpectful and ungreatful it’s hard for me to bite my tongue. My husband is a wonderful dad he has always been there for his boys and for our daughter, I don’t care if the boys hurt me because I just don’t care anymore but when I see my husband hurt that is when I get hurt!! It’s really sad that a women wouldn’t want her childrens father to be in their lives….I can’t understand why she makes them think their dad is so awful when he really isn’t he’s a good dad and husband, he’s not perfect but he tries to be the best dad he can. He always puts his kids before himself and I guess that is why I can’t understand why she is the way she is. I hope ONE DAY my husband will be able to share his side of truth and I hope his boys will realize what he has had to go through. As for their mom I hope she finds happiness in her own life to leave our lives alone!! I am not sure that will come anytime soon because of all the Karma that is gonna come right back around to her!!!
I have been a stepmother for 7 months, however my situation has been complicated from the start. I met my boyfriend while he was still merried, and we are still waiting for the money to compleate the divorce. He has three beautiful children, ages 1, 3, and 5. Their bio mom just doesn’t seem to be able to compleatly take care of the children, when she has them I honestly worry because I just don’t know how they will return to us. I am only 20 and I know I can take care of the kids, however it is one of the hardest things to stay civil to the mother when she cannot even make up her mind if she is picking the oldest up from school. My own family has almost disowned me because of being with him, so I get no support from my side. The only real support I get is from my boyfriend’s mother. I am constently feeling that I am not good enough, expecially when the middle child is upset and pushes against me and screams for her mother. Someone please help me figure out what I am doing wrong.
I am a full time step mom with an minimally involved bio mom who is in the picture just enough to cause trouble and tear my step son (16 yrs old) and I apart. I also have a biological daughter (21 yrs old) so I understand what being a biological mom is all about and the difference in feelings for the two. I would LOVE to connect with someone who is in a similar situation.
My advise to anyone considering entering in as a stepmom is to think long and hard about your decision. Date for a long time (at least 4-5 years), do not move in unless your are engaged/married, and make sure if you decide to move in before marriage, wait to get married a couple more years. You can clearly see the dynamic of the family you are entering into. I regret my decision every single day. My husbands true colors came out eventually. He 100% of the time casts me aside. I understood from day one that the kids come first (I supported it because I came from a divorced family). If I correct the kids (ages 4 & 6) or give a rule, he undermines me and never supports my decisions. I’m really not a strict person but I like rules and manners. He basically never speaks to me while the kids are here for visitation, unless its for some role to fulfill the “family picture” in public. When the kids aren’t at our house, I try to avoid speaking to much or give too much of an opinion because he is extremely sensitive. We haven’t been intimate in over a year, and he has been sleeping on the couch for the last 8 months. And the sad thing is, we have been married only a year and a half. I honestly feel that he married me to split the bills and have it look good in court in front of everyone. I can’t voice how I really feel to him because if I do, either he will explode on me that moment or it will fester for a couple days and he will explode even worse. This is by far the hardest time in my life. I am fearful of saying anything to my family or friends because I don’t want them to hate my husband. My husband also cheated on me, lied about some major things, and tries to make me feel bad if I ever bring those instances up. I really don’t bring them up to start a fight. That pain from the deceit is gone, I’ve moved past it, and it honestly doesn’t make me sad. But it’s one of those things that I can’t ever mention in passing due to his tantrums. I took vows that I am serious about and don’t believe in the whole divorce thing, but I’m so depressed and I really do not want to have kids with him if he is gonna be like this forever. He won’t go to counseling. He won’t talk to me. He always forgets conversations we have and yells at me for misplacing items I’ve never seen or touched. There are so many layers to our issues that I can’t even begin to describe but the hardest of them all is how he treats me in front of the kids and I think it changes how the kids view me as a stepparent. It causes major division in our household. I am the loneliest I’ve ever been or thought I would ever be. I need help, advice, something!!!!!
My husband and I have quite a complicated story – but I guess all of them are!
We met 28 years ago for the first time, fell in love at the end of each of our marriages (he had been sleeping in the basement for over a year but living in the same house, my husband had told me ‘you can leave or I can; it doesn’t matter which. I don’t love you any more’ so we co-existed in the house together, him staying out all night often and me with our three kids. No one could possibly call what either of us had as marriages but there are some judgmental folks out there who might, I guess). Anyway, we fell immediately in love and just knew we were ‘the one’ for each other. After that unexpected thing happened for each of us, we were absolutely reeling. Long story short, we ended our contact with each other and both tried to make our marriages stay together once more. Of course, neither did and it didn’t take long. But we had gone our separate ways.
My ex responded to my falling in love with someone else was to metaphorically say “that trash that I put out on the curb is MINE”, once he saw that someone else wanted what he threw away. He told everybody in the world we knew that I cheated on him (although I found out much later he had been cheating on me our entire marriage and with some friends of mine, whose kids I watched, I discovered later, while he was out with them!) and that he wanted our marriage (never said he wanted me). He also told my parents, our kids, etc. the same thing. That was the reason I tried to work it out with him. He even agreed to go to church with us, which he had never done, and once he ingrained himself there, began telling people at church basically what an awful person I was but that his new found faith allowed him to forgive and love me! This went on for two years but the truth about him began to come out all around me. During this time, he sold property that we jointly owned, made himself – illegally – trustee for me, and moved all of our funds out of the country. By the time I realized I had to move on, my attorney discovered all of our money was gone. Not anything you can do about that once there is an unnumbered Swiss bank account.
I was fortunate enough to have begun working when all of this began (we had previously had a joint business, which of course was gone with our marriage) and I was receiving modest raises and promotions, so I could although barely, support myself and my kids. He rarely paid child support and claimed that he was making no money (self employed, remember). I was so worried about raising three kids alone that I really was vulnerable and when I met a guy at work who was a nice person, had no kids or ex wife to tangle things up and just did basic stuff like be someplace when he said he would, I thought I could make a future with him. He really wanted to marry me and I guess I ‘went along’ with it, thinking it would be good for my children to have a ‘stable’ male figure in their lives. He turned out to be a drunk and chronically unemployed, and as I continued to have increasing work success, I found I just had another child to care for in him.
We stayed married 10 years. It was a good 8-1/2 of mostly on edge, miserable worry due to his instability. But I thought, having been raised in a ‘religious’ home, that I had made one mistake and was not allowed another. I was so low I wanted to just die. After ten years of marriage, though, all of my kids had either finished or were in college, which they attained through their hard work and my assistance. I finally had to cut this man loose. He always was a non aggressive person and we ended up on good terms for the most part. I told him that I was sorry that I had hurt him by marrying him, that I was in a very vulnerable place when I agreed to marry him and that I bore my share of the responsibility for why things didn’t work out. So, divorce #2.
Shortly after our divorce, I heard from my (now and 3rd) husband, the man with whom I had fallen immediately for 17 years before. By coincidence, we were at that time, due to job transfers, living three hours apart, much closer than we had been at times evidently over all those years. He told me he was single and wanted to know if I was. He told me about the recent problems with the law that his middle child, who had always been troubled, had. He told me about his attempt to get over me after his divorce and his ill fated second, short marriage. We both cried. We agreed to ‘meet for lunch’. We quietly began dating and knew, as before, that the soul mate each of us had always thought the other was, was still there. And we immediately discussed the kids – all six of them (3 each) – and how they would take it if we were together. We knew they would not probably be happy and that they’d think we were crazy, or that we just had to be married to at least SOMEBODY (that was not the case and by this time, I had a very successful and well paying career and he always had been successful and stable in that area).
We ended up getting married about 15 months after dating long distance (we traded off cities each weekend and wore ruts in the road). We are this week celebrating ten years of if not perfection, then the closest thing to marital bliss either of us can imagine.
I know this sounds like a fairy tale that ends well. Let me tell you, it is a far cry from that! Here is the line up: Our kids are all ‘girl-boy’girl” and his are all one year older than each of mine. Our two oldest daughters are definitely narcissistic personalities and mine is aggressive-aggressive, while his is passive-aggressive. Next in line are the two sons. They are respectively 3 years younger than their sisters, so they are one year apart from each other. My son is a college graduate and works for a huge corporation. He was a college scholarship athlete. He married a wonderful woman two years ago. They have a very healthy, sweet marriage and are planning a family. My stepson recently was released from prison after 12 years of hard time. He is on probation in another state (all of them live in another state), has a daughter who is 13 from a relationship that is over and whose mother plans to have her fiance adopt, so he never sees her. Stepson has a history of drug problems too but so far he seems to be making some good choices. Obviously, we feel with him things will always be touch and go. Never get contact with the 13 year old. Finally, the youngest girls are three years younger than their respective brothers. (All ages: 37,36,34,33,31,30)!!! My daughter is a teacher married to a professor, and they have a four year old. His daughter is single, never married, no kids. Oh, and the two oldest daughters each have kids – mine, 7 and 5. His, 4 and 1 year old twins.
Can you keep count of all of this???
Let me just say that someone always has their undies in a bunch. The biggest problems are the two oldest daughters. They both want to run the show. And they both seem to have burning resentment towards almost everything. My oldest and his were both here three years ago for the holidays with their kids and husbands and some other family members. My daughter, who has always been a drama queen wanted the best bedrooms, the most attention for her kids and herself, and created WWIII on Christmas. Since we have not been allowed to see our grandchildren (hers). Before that, we were made her son’s Godparents! She also fought non stop with her husband during the visit. The only time they got along was when they were huddled up against the rest of the family! They are now separated, with my grandchildren living most of the week at my son in law’s mother’s house, where he also lives part time, as he job requires travel all week. Fortunately, she is an angel and we do speak. She thinks they are both crazy and that in itself is one big mess. Anyway, my stepdaughter, with the twins and the older child, commented on how badly my daughter behaved and now we are getting the very same treatment from her. I could go on and on about the details, but the bottom line is that now we are also deprived of seeing her kids too. Did I also add that she has expressed she isn’t happy with her life or marriage either? And both of these girls have been married to men who really do worship the ground they walk on. Personally, I think both of the husbands need to get a spine and set them straight. I think they have no respect for these wimpy men actually.
My husband’s ex told his kids that I was the one who broke up their marriage and that we were having an affair for all of those 17 years we were apart. NOT TRUE. She is a hoarder who lost her tenured teaching job due to just not doing the job at all. She lost her house and ruined all of the contents and the sheriff had to remove her from the property. So you can say she has a victim mentality and is needy. My kids’ dad never paid child support and for so long made it appear that he was making nothing in order to not pay me anything, he really cut off his nose to spite his face. My oldest daughter (as did all the kids) saw how hard I worked to take care of them and my husband’s kids, the same. But now they seem to always be totally pissed off and nothing makes them happy. It COULD be the undoing of some marriages but for us it’s not. I can see how people who get married thinking that all they want is companionship and that they are reasonable, nice folks who want to get along and be good people could get a load of this crap and run for the hills.
What makes us special is that a) we cannot live without each other b) our faith is the center of our existence and we go to God for help in making our decisions c) we are unflinchingly fair with all of them, which of course, they don’t want – they want all of everything, all the time! Ha! We cannot see six kids living in six places all over the country and spend tons of cash on this many people and ever have a reasonable life or retirement. I have a disabling back problem and I have to limit my travel. My husband has had DVT’s and travel for him has to be interspersed with frequent stretches and getting up and out of the seat or his car. They have all decided THEY know what we can and can’t do and if we don’t live up to expectations, we are intentionally ‘doing’ something to them. Now, I do not mean all of them. I mainly am referring to the two Divas. Two nights ago my step daughter told my husband that ‘all your kids hate you’ and that she was ‘moving on without you’ and also told him that she overheard me say once that I didn’t want to take care of HER kids. I have never said that. She twists a shred of truth to create a story that she uses for her devices. I have seen my generous, responsible husband, who always well supported and cared for his kids, especially her, because she lived with him after their divorce. She attended private grade school, high school and college. I really think she resents that another woman is in the picture (me) and also that she has to share anything -his time, his money, etc. – with anyone else, especially me.
To make a marriage work like this, you really have to make it come first. That is counterintuitive to a lot of previously married parents, who were in some cases their kids’ only real parent. But remember, the kids are adults and you get to have your life back. It’s tough duty and if we weren’t on the same page we wouldn’t be together.
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