On Being a Stepmom
Being a stepmom is arguably the most difficult and demanding position in the stepfamily. In Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin provides an excellent survey of the research on stepfamilies, which indicates that stepdads are more easily accepted than stepmoms, and that they don’t struggle to the same extent with their role.
Being a stepmom has a heavy cultural overlay that must be overcome if she is to meet with love, acceptance or even basic respect; and that is the stereotype of the Wicked Stepmother. The evil stepmother is a well-known character in fairy tales going back centuries – Cinderella, Snow White and Hansel and Gretel, to name just a few. Because this myth is embedded in the subconscious mind of our culture, it is often assumed by the children in a new stepfamily to have some truth in it. Too often, when the word “stepmother” is uttered, the first word associated with it, subconsciously, is a scary or negative one.
If the father of the children remains passive when his child or children act with resentment or hostility towards her, that’s when being a stepmom can result in her association with the myth of the evil stepmother becoming “hard-wired”. That’s when the kids feel justified in their opinion of the stepmother, since his not backing her up is taken as tacit approval of (or agreement with) their behavior. True, the biological dad may be feeling a good deal of conflict about being stuck in the middle between his wife and his child(ren) – and perhaps his ex as well. But this conflict must be faced and worked through, otherwise the chances of this stepfamily’s success will decline, as this situation spirals downward.
Being a stepmom can be a thankless job, too. If there is a joint custody situation, she’s often expected to do all the things that their mom would do (carting the kids around, cooking, cleaning and doing their laundry, helping with homework, and on an on), but somehow she doesn’t receive the credit or appreciation. This is another, opposite cultural expectation of the stepmom, (swinging to the opposite side of the pendulum from the evil stepmother) that she should put the children first “no matter what”, denying her needs and feelings to make everything comfortable and easy for her stepkids. If you find yourself being a stepmom in this category, who bends over backwards to “do for them” and get them to love you, you might wear yourself out with exhaustion, and find resentment building under the surface, which eventually must erupt.
I often hear women who have thrown themselves into this image of being a stepmom, whisper that their stepchildren have told them they wish she were their mom instead, or say with great satisfaction that the stepchild gets along better with her than with their real mom. I admit to having done this on occasion too. While it is a help for the children to have another adult resource when their relationship with their parent is unsatisfying, that sense of rivalry with the biological mother promotes an artificial relationship and will eventually create a problem of some sort – unless it can be done without the comparison, where the stepmom wants to come out “on top”.
Neither the evil stepmother or the perfect stepmom are acceptable ways of being a stepmom. In my case, I was pretty determined to have a family that functioned well and generally got along. I wasn’t willing to continue being seen as the evil stepmother (although I did wear that hat for a period of time – mostly putting up with sideways rejection, anger and sullenness). I wasn’t willing to give up, accepting a distant or hostile relationship with my stepdaughter. Nor was I willing to offer “I’ll do everything for you and give you everything you want”. Heck, I had just come out of being a single mother for nine years, having to be both mom and dad, and I wasn’t going to get into another long-term situation of doing it all. I had worked hard to train my son to be a “cooperative member of the household”, and I wasn’t going to give up on that plan – and I just don’t make a good doormat.
So I took a third alternative – and I am suggesting this one for other courageous souls, who are willing to get their hands dirty a bit in relationships, and who are willing to make some (occasionally ugly) mistakes along the way. Sometimes it seemed we were going backwards instead of forwards when I told the truth about how I felt – but in the long run it would spiral up again…
This way of being a stepmom requires good communication and honesty – and lots of it. And it must be managed in a positive way. Most importantly, the stepcouple must understand the importance of the strength of their relationship to the success of the stepfamily. As Susan Wisdom says in her book, Stepcoupling, the couple is the foundation and the glue of the family. The couple must do what it takes to understand one another’s side of the conflict and work through it. They must find a way to support one another and let the children know that both are committed to one another and making their marriage work.
And then being a stepmom is about being real. I had to learn to express myself and to listen to the other members of the stepfamily express themselves. Sometimes it wasn’t as pretty as I wanted it to be, and sometimes my “I” statements had a little undercurrent of attack in them. But express I did, and I encouraged them to express too (my stepdaughter would say I got defensive when she expressed – and she’d be right). Yet those in my stepfamily knew, deep down, that I was trying. And I knew that they were trying too. And gradually, we worked our way through the conflict and the ugly feelings and forged relationships that are real – and meaningful. It took a lot of work, a lot of time, a lot of developing communication skills, and a lot of courage. Still there are some “stepfamily growing pains” that we’ll never see eye-to-eye on. We leave those aside, mostly now, and focus on the positive good in our relationships.
So, being a stepmom is an opportunity – in becoming stepmom, you have taken on a very complicated challenge. It’s a challenge that can be a tremendous opportunity to learn the skills it takes to forge a real understanding with your husband, and to find the balance that’s right for you with your stepchildren. Your family has to find its unique balance. Throw out the stereotypes on both sides, and roll up your sleeves!
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Well said! It’s a good idea for stepmoms to “give themselves a break” and not expect themselves to have identical love for their stepchildren as they do for their own. It may gradually develop, but it will never be the same. If you are expected to take over the parental responsibilities for the parents, then perhaps it’s time for a conversation to put up some boundaries. You might really benefit from The Stepfamily Success Course. Get the Intro class for free, and if it’s helpful, sign up for the class. It covers all the major issues that stepmoms commonly face, and gives excellent support and advice to deal with them. All the best to you!
Thank-you. I am struggling with this and your article helped me. I appreciate it.
Good advice! I struggle to find info where a woman without children of her own has joined a ready-made family. I am 29 and became a sep-Mom to 3 young kids last year. I don’t have children of my own and am not going to have. I am happpy but it has been an immense challenge. I started off by quitting my job and looking after them full-time but after 8 months their Mom had got her act together and took them back. I’m doing the best I can but I read and take all the advice I can get too.
I have been lucky enough to marry the most amazing man who doesn’t think that his kids are perfect and we have a great relationship and I can talk to him about anything to do with the kids.
i really am scared stiff of becoming a stepmom, which will be soon! i don’t know the first thing to do. i am good with kids but doubts regarding my handling with my soon-to-be stepkids are killing me? what if they’ll hate me? what if their mom would make daily appearances? i could just pull my hair out. the kids are young, ages 3 and 4, would they respond to me like usual kids do? i really am floundering in here!
I’m sorry to have to say this, but looking back, if I could see the future as it is now, I dont think I could do it again. I love my husband with all my heart, but I did not think it would get WORSE as the years past. My step-daughter was 5 1/2 when my husband and I met, and now shes about to turn 15 and it is HORRIBLE. I’m pulling my hair out here. I’d consider EVERYTHING before you make a life-long decision.
It is hard being a parent, step or otherwise.All parents feel unloved and unnapreciated. The difference is that when you are a step-parent, you will ALWAYS feel like an outsider, because you are!FACT. This is normal. If you feel you cannot cope with feeling like you don’t belong and cannot put the long term needs of the children first then it’s ok, you are not a failure you just have other priorities.Damage limitation is then the key, don’t string it out just make the break clean for all concerned. BUT please try to find a way of living that limits these feelings as they are the one sure way of guaranteeing that the children will never bond with you.Love them and nurture them and they WILL respond, eventually.You are not blood but you are a family and these days more than 50% of blood families are split, so, it’s not a secret club, it’s not a code that you will never have, it’s just real life and every single experience is different.Don’t let resentment creep in,TALK TALK TALK then… Do what feels right,true and honest.
Well I have a doozie of a situation and probably alot of stepmoms deal with the same issue as me. In my situation, I have been raising my stepchildren for ll.5 years and the mother only wants her children after her dates, only if she is feeling well, and if it doesn’t affect her life in any way as far as her free time goes…..which she seems to need every week. I have raised these children, put them first before me, have made sure they did well in their grades, and have done everything for them for them including guided them down the right path so that one day they can be successful adults who can take care of themselves. Meanwhile the children (SS 20 yo, SD 15 yo), well the SD wants nothing to do with her mom if she can help it and the SS is starting out in the working world trying to become the responsible adult he can. I call the bio-mom our 55 yo daughter because she hasn’t or refuses to grow up. Her first on an even balance as her men, then her children next if it doesn’t interfere with her schedule or her life. I have had enough of her irresponsibility to the point that I have already ended up in the hospital for a stress related heart attack due the accumulation of the bio-mom putting 100% of her responsibilities on me for 11 years. These are her children and she refuses to be the normal mother to them.
I’m at my the end of my rope and not sure what to do. I have been told by some close friends that they aren’t my children and that the responbility should be put on her. I have become older, wrinkles, tired, worn out,in the last few years and used to look beautiful and used to be a teen model and the stress put upon my shoulders by a bio-mom is taking its toll on me emotionally as well as physically. It’s like her saying to me…”I’m the bio-mom and you are obligated for every whim and responsibility I have and you will take care of my children.”
I love these children and I have taken total responsiblity of them and their needs but the situation has become unhealthy for me to the point of feeling severely being taken advantage of by her. My SD wants nothing to do with her bio-mom. She says she hates her and does not like her and she refuses to visit or call her mom because of her mother’s alienation from her daughter.
I don’t know what to do. I feel lost like I have no where to turn to anyone to talk to. That is why I am asking for advice here.
Please help.
Hello, I have never been a step parent until about 2 1/2 yrs ago. I have been finding it very hard being in this position. My step childrens mother has made it very very hard on not only me but her own children. Telling them how to act and she doesn’t even have them full time. Just on the weekends as a PT parent. Is there anything else that can help me along my journey to help with the lying, doing things out of spite, ignoring, and so on and so fourth. Keep in mind they are only 5 and 6 and i would expect this kind of behavior out of older children around 10 or so but idk. HELP i feel like i am drowning. I do everything for them, i’m there for every school party, event, everything at home. I don’t work so i have nothing else better to do i’m not complaining about that. I’m looking for suggestions on how to change their behavior in the house to make things easier for them and myself. I have so much frustration built up towards their mother is it unreal. I have no way or idea to focus it on something else instead of keeping it built up inside. b/f wont talk to her b/c he said it will do no good she will just do what she wants when she wants to do it. Thanks for listening and opent to ANY suggestions.
Thank you for the suggestions…I am very much struggling.
It’s amazing how you can feel alone in your struggles then you find this site and WOW – not alone.
I am a step mom to a girl and boy for 7 years now. Started out well but honestly the children were not the issue it was the mother. Her relationship with my husband has gotten worse over the years making it hard for the kids. I haven’t been perfect but I have always encouraged honestly even if we don’t want to hear it. Like the author said, I threw myself into the roll of doing everything for those kids, was supportive of their mother but when the kids run to their mom and say dad won’t get me a haircut or buy me a phone she does it then tells my husband he is unreasonable. Her house has no rules, our does but always with conversation. Two years ago his daughter went to live with her mom and now his son has done the same. Husband is devastated. Honestly I feel relief, I feel that my husband and I can get on with our lives and what I mean by that is the ex’s intervention is over. He can be the fun dad and she and her husband can be the parents which is what she has wanted all the entire time. I really understand what Shelly is going through. Parents need to put there crap aside and be the parents to their children regardless. Thanks
Shelly I am in you exact shoes! It is so hard!! My boyfriends childern are 4 and 6. They are great kids but their mother acts as if she doesnt care about them at all! and to top it off she tells them not to listen to me, basically that i am a bad person and dont bother talking to me. Sometimes I am hard on them but they are bad listeners . they dont listen to their father. I have a great relationship with him but i hope this doesnt tear us apart. Their mother is getting in the way! SHe is a crazy B*tch. SHe will lie all the time about where she is going or when she will be picking up the kids and ends up she is out drinking all the time! I am not sure what to do. I know im not there mother but they need a good role model in their lives. what do you do?
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