STEPMOM

The concept of stepcoupling is critical to the success of a stepfamily.  A unique fact of a stepfamily’s formation, compared to first families, is that the couple bond starts out less strong than the parent/child bonds that precede the marriage. This makes the stepcouple vulnerable, and the difficulties that result are the reason that the divorce rate for remarriages with children are 50% higher than for remarriages without children. In Stepcoupling, author Susan Wisdom makes a strong case that the stepcouple is the glue that holds the stepfamily together.

What is a stepcouple? It is a committed relationship between adults where one or more children are present (regardless of age and residence). The term “stepcouple” was coined by Susan Wisdom, and is now trademarked by her. While some experts focus on other aspects of stepfamily development, her argument is that only a strong stepcouple bond can provide the step-family with a good chance of survival, and is central to its thriving.

Here are some common complaints of stepparents:

“My stepdaughter disrespects me, and my husband does not back me up. It hurts!”

“My wife and the children go on an on about old vacations, past inside jokes and times from before I was part of the family. I feel like such an outsider.”

“My stepson’s mother and my husband make all their visitation arrangements without consulting me.. when the schedule changes without notice, I’m just supposed to go along with it.”

“His ex-wife is constantly calling to ask for help, not only with the children, but with her home maintenance and car problems. It seems likes he’s more there for her than for me!”

“My stepkids get away with murder when they’re here; they don’t pick up after themselves or even acknowledge me; I don’t have a say in how my own household functions.”

All these scenarios are indications that the stepcouple relationship needs more focus.

It is so important for the couple to build a strong sense of unity, and to listen to one another’s needs… the children’s needs have a tendency to seem “louder and more urgent”, and can swallow up the needs of the stepcouple.

It’s hard work, there’s no doubt about it. At the beginning of a stepfamily, there is unfortunately no “grace period” after the honeymoon, to gradually adapt to all the changes. The new marriage or relationship needs nurturing, but at the same time, so many other things need attention! Immediately there are children who become stepchildren, with the potential for new sibling relationships, in addition to new stepparent relationships. And two families coming under one roof means a whole host of roles and lifestyle issues to negotiate. Everyone is struggling and clamoring for attention! It can be, and generally is, overwhelming for everyone. And all this comes on top of the requirements that are part of everyday life in general: work, school, running a household, exercise etc.

The parent naturally has a protective instinct regarding his or her child during times of crisis – Mother Nature gave that to us, and it’s a good thing – but it must be tempered. You can count on the fact that your new spouse is not going to see your child or children exactly as you do. Mother Nature doesn’t provide automatic love for stepchildren. And to complicate the matter further, our attachment to our children gives us the inability to be objective about them. Our love is unconditional (read “blind” from the standpoint of the stepparent).

So here we have it: fodder for serious conflict! In the early days of my stepfamily, my husband and I stepped right into the pitfall of taking the side of our own children when they started to fight – and it became stomach-wrenching when the little spat that started between our children quickly escalated into two camps, with our vulnerable relationship at risk in the middle! Once we learned the importance of our relationship as a stepcouple, we took a completely different stance – we saw that we had a challenge to face and deal with as a team.

If seen as an opportunity, the two very different perspectives of the parent and stepparent can be quite beneficial. Children need both a male and female approach in their upbringing, and the stepparent can provide a helpful, more objective perspective. Having someone you trust to be a sounding-board can make the difficult task of parenting less arduous. The children benefit greatly from a home with a strong stepcouple not only in their own development, but also from getting the example of a committed relationship that works through the tough times. This can help to heal a broken belief that committed relationships can succeed.

There are some predictable aspects of stepfamily life that will challenge the strength of the stepcouple: dealing with the rejection of the stepparent by a stepchild; finding a balance between discipline styles and values; the building of a new lifestyle in the household from two approaches that are likely differ; normal adjustment issues the children go through; and last but not least, dealing with the children’s other parent (the “ex”).

There is a step-by-step procedure which can help stepcouples get through the process of understanding the particular challenge they face with the children, and becoming a team that runs the household. In addition to getting solid knowledge, it takes building trust and good communication skills – and lots of commitment to work hard together!

I strongly recommend that the stepcouple get some kind of assistance going through these challenges. The Stepfamily Foundation estimates that over 90% of all stepfamilies need support going through these adjustments, but that fewer than 5% get the help they need. Stepmom SOS offers an online course for stepfamilies (it’s not just for stepmoms!) (LINK); or find a counselor or coach with specialized training in stepfamily dynamics. It’s very important to work with a person who has the right training, because family dynamics are significantly different between first and step families.

The rewards of giving your stepcouple the attention it deserves are great. All the work you do in learning to listen, to communicate and to understand your family dynamics better will result in a stronger marriage more likely to last, in a more harmonious home life, and long-term, in better outcomes for your children. The skills of learning how to make a stepfamily work are skills you can take with you in all relationships in your life!  Training in stepfamily life is available; see LINK