Stepfathers and Stepsons – Making it Work
The Stepdad and Stepson in My Family
In the range of relationships in stepfamilies, the stepfather stepson relationship does not have a reputation of being one of the most difficult – if it’s handled correctly! If you are a stepfather wanting to develop a good stepfather stepson relationship, here are some good questions to ask yourself:
- What is the relationship between your stepson and his father? Are they close, and do they see each other regularly? Or are you the primary father figure in your stepson’s life? The answer to this question will have a strong impact on the role that’s appropriate for you to take.
- How old was your stepson when you and your wife became involved? If he was close to or during the teen years, he’s not likely to be very accepting of a new parent figure in his live, even though he may be in need of one. His age will be one determinant of the stepfather stepson relationship.
- How close is your parenting philosophy and style to your wife’s? To your stepson’s father? Some compromise will be in order if they are very different, and it’s important for you to be open to your wife’s approach; learn together and negotiate together. You are an important resource for her in helping her to improve her parenting, but she’ll only be open to your opinion if offered in the right spirit – that of wanting a good and appropriate stepfather stepson relationship.
- What was your relationship with your father? In what parenting style were your raised? Are you comfortable in using the same style, and will it lead to a positive stepfather stepson relationship?
- What are your expectations and underlying desires for a son? If you don’t have a son of your own, introspect to see if you are imposing your expectations on your stepson. My husband, an engineer, had a dad who helped him build and repair things… he tried to follow that same pattern in his stepfather stepson relationship, but it simply wasn’t right for my son, an artist/writer at heart.
- How well-informed are you about parenting skills and approaches that work? How much do you know about developmental stages, in order to understand what behaviors are normal and acceptable at different ages? The more you learn, the more your stepfather stepson relationship will improve.
There’s a lot to consider; if a new stepparent jumps in too fast to the stepfather stepson relationship without preparation, it’s likely to result in real disappointment, and can backfire. The best course of action is to go slow, to build a connection with your stepson over time. Be patient and don’t add too much pressure to the situation – developing a stepfamily is really more like cooking a meal in a crockpot as opposed to a blender! If possible, relax into your role, and don’t expect too much too soon.
So what is the appropriate role of the stepfather? That’s a complex question, actually – and each family needs to find their own way. It is important that the children see the couple as a unit, as the two heads of the household. The couple needs to show their strength, and in subtle ways communicate to the children that this union is here to stay. Until this happens, your stepson might be more hesitant to let you in, and will sometimes do whatever he can to create problems in your new relationship. And anyone who is in a stepfamily recognizes the power of the children to do that!
The stepfather stepson relationship is simply different from the father son relationship. You may as well know, early on, that you will never become a true parent to him. You cannot create that biological bond – relatedness does matter. And the more involved the other parent is in their life, the more your role needs to differ from that of the parent.
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My boyfriend whom I was to marry and my teen son do not get along. Can tell they try to make it work for the sake of me, but it always ends in a bitter argument with feelings on both their end hurt. It has honestly distroyed the relationship I have with my boyfriend to the point that I know I will never marry a man with such profound issues with my son. It is horrible because my son is a good kid, not because I’m his mother, but because he is on the honor roll always, and never gets into trouble. Yet the personality clashes always around the house. One other issue is I’m pregnant and was going to be married with my boyfriend, now have canceled all marriage plans due to their conflict.
Well all I can say to others is to just not date until the teens are adults or try to not blend families at all cost because the drama is not worth the pain or tension in the house.
OMG I am so glaad to hear this. I by no means mean to say that I am glad to hear about your current situation, but it is comforting to know that i am not the only one to be dealing with this. I am in almost the same exact situation minus the pregnancy and I completley agree with you on this, If i had known that there was going to be this much conflict, refereeing and misery involved i never would have done it. This has torn me apart for 4 years and I do not see it getting any better, I cannot choose between my son and him even though he is a great man, But even so i cannot drive my son out of the home before he is ready because of this. I have a lot to decide and soon! Good luck to you!
I have read both these comments (sorry to be late in responding) and I want to ask you to give it another good chance before you throw in the towel when there will be much long-term suffering as a result of another break-up! I went through VERY SIMILAR and VERY ROUGH times when my stepdaughter and my son were teens. Much of this sounds familiar. But please take into account a few factors:
Teens can be terribly tough – and they want to be understood in the worst way. When there is a butting of heads (esp with boys) it can start a real negative cycle. But that cycle can be turned around – by understanding and clearing up the misunderstanding (hurt) at the bottom. For the last year, I have worked with very high-risk teens (failed or kicked out of multiple high schools) and it is quite amazing to see how they can turn around when they feel heard and understood.
Recognize that your partner (especially if he doesn’t have his own children, but even so – he’s in the middle of this trying to deal with a teen who is not his own, and he can’t possibly have the biological love and natural understanding that you do for your son) is stuck in this conflict too, and is probably feeling quite misunderstood (hurt) himself. Add to that the fact that the male dominance jockeying is part of this whole process.
Lastly, I was much more protective of my son than I realized. And I didn’t see how I was coming between my son and my husband. Once I learned to trust my husband to have his own relationship with my son, things got much better.
I have two recommendations: very soon I’ll have a short (4 week) course online that will be inexpensive and give the basic principles for stepfamily life. Take it yourself, and see if your partner/husband will at least listen to the class on Stepcoupling. Secondly, please consider having a one-on-one Truwell session for yourself (see Truwell under the Stepmom Coaching tab of this website). You will get needed insight that will help greatly as well as an unexpected breakthrough. In fact, if any two of the three of you get a Truwell session, I strongly feel that you can get to the other side of this barrier (with some work and cooperation, that is!)
I hope to hear from you, because it pains my heart to see families break up unnecessarily…
I have had many struggles in the step-father/son dynamic in my own home. Although we have the added difficulty of handling some recently admitted abuse from my son’s biological father toward my son, and the instilled sense of fear he placed in both my son’s and his biological sister’s minds. Add to that-my son has ADHD/Learning Disability/Mood Disorder-and you have a recipe for disaster where it pertains to incorporating a “new dad” into the equation. My current husband has never hit my son, however he has been an intimidating/aggressive presence that my son fears…for good reason, given his history.
My husband’s parenting style is drastically different from my own as well, which adds even more complexity to an already fragile situation. I am the “Treat kids like little people, don’t baby talk to them, use courtesy/manners when addressing them and respect their personal space” parent. My husband is the “I’m the parent-you’re the child, I don’t say please to children, Do it because I said so, Do it my way and do it NOW” parent. These styles make creating a unified front difficult, because even if his intentions are good…the execution of them tends to be hard for me to support.
I am in agreement with the ladies that argued “If I knew then what I know now”…because honestly I would not have repeated my choice. Their relationship is a constant contention point in my marriage, and a source of stress for each of them. I love my husband (although we have MANY issues outside of parenting), and I love my kids (2 from my first marriage, and 3 with him), but something’s got to give here. I grow tired of playing constant peacekeeper and feeling forced to choose sides daily. I wish it was as simple as just stepping back and letting them sort through it. However, there are some core parenting issues that he and I will NOT see eye to eye on…and that’s a real problem in the long run. He (my husband) knows who wins this…and regardless of how unfair that may seem, he needs to accept that as an adult, there are consequences to our actions/inactions.
I stumbled upon your sight while looking up ways to help my son and fiance bond. My son is only 6 years old and my fiance has been a permanent fixture in his life for the past year. My son has no contact with his biological father whatsoever and has a lot more memories of him than I’d earlier realized, some of them “good”, most of them traumatic (rendering all of them confusing). My fiance and I both come from dysfunctional homes (mine more so than his) but have both worked out most of our demons and baggage from childhood both before our relationship and during and now are working on ways to adjust to our new lives together. My daughter and fiance have bonded like bandits, if it wasn’t apparent via ethnicity (my children are half black, my fiance and I are not at all) that she is not his biological daughter when the four of us are together, you’d think she was. She is the type that commands attention, and has been demanding his since the day she deemed him “safe”. He and my son, however, both have reserved, introverted personalities and have gone about getting to know one another very slowly. I know my son has a lot of self esteem issues, my daughter doesn’t remember their dad but he does and suffers from feelings of abandonment. From our private conversations he has admitted to wanting his step dad to pay more attention to him, but is too shy to ask for it. I have mentioned as much to my fiance, but don’t want to put too much pressure on the situation. He doesn’t understand my son like I do (yet) and doesn’t realize how badly my son wants his approval/love, and how much it affects him. My fiance does not have a great relationship with his father, not that there is any hostility or anything, his father just never paid any real attention to him as a kid. He was always physically present, but emotionally absent..From what I have seen, my fiance makes a whole heck of a lot more effort to be there for my son emotionally than his dad was for him, which I assume he believes is enough. I don’t know what to do, I have been waiting patiently for their bond to unfold, but I feel like it isn’t progressing enough.
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