STEPMOM

The Stepdad and Stepson in My Family

In the range of relationships in stepfamilies, the stepfather stepson relationship does not have a reputation of being one of the most difficult – if it’s handled correctly! If you are a stepfather wanting to develop a good stepfather stepson relationship, here are some good questions to ask yourself:

• What is the relationship between your stepson and his father? Are they close, and do they see each other regularly? Or are you the primary father figure in your stepson’s life? The answer to this question will have a strong impact on the role that’s appropriate for you to take.

• How old was your stepson when you and your wife became involved? If he was close to or during the teen years, he’s not likely to be very accepting of a new parent figure in his live, even though he may be in need of one. His age will be one determinant of the stepfather stepson relationship.

• How close is your parenting philosophy and style to your wife’s? To your stepson’s father? Some compromise will be in order if they are very different, and it’s important for you to be open to your wife’s approach; learn together and negotiate together. You are an important resource for her in helping her to improve her parenting, but she’ll only be open to your opinion if offered in the right spirit – that of wanting a good and appropriate stepfather stepson relationship.

• What was your relationship with your father? In what parenting style were your raised? Are you comfortable in using the same style, and will it lead to a positive stepfather stepson relationship?

• What are your expectations and underlying desires for a son? If you don’t have a son of your own, introspect to see if you are imposing your expectations on your stepson. My husband, an engineer, had a dad who helped him build and repair things… he tried to follow that same pattern in his stepfather stepson relationship, but it simply wasn’t right for my son, an artist/writer at heart.

• How well-informed are you about parenting skills and approaches that work? How much do you know about developmental stages, in order to understand what behaviors are normal and acceptable at different ages? The more you learn, the more your stepfather stepson relationship will improve.

There’s a lot to consider; if a new stepparent jumps in too fast to the stepfather stepson relationship without preparation, it’s likely to result in real disappointment, and can backfire.  The best course of action is to go slow, to build a connection with your stepson over time.  Be patient and don’t add too much pressure to the situation – developing a stepfamily is really more like cooking a meal in a crockpot as opposed to a blender! If possible, relax into your role, and don’t expect too much too soon.

So what is the appropriate role of the stepfather?  That’s a complex question, actually – and each family needs to find their own way.  It is important that the children see the couple as a unit, as the two heads of the household.  The couple needs to show their strength, and in subtle ways communicate to the children that this union is here to stay.   Until this happens, your stepson might be more hesitant to let you in, and will sometimes do whatever he can to create problems in your new relationship.  And anyone who is in a stepfamily recognizes the power of the children to do that!

The stepfather stepson relationship is simply different from the father son relationship.  You may as well know, early on, that you will never become a true parent to him.  You cannot create that biological bond – relatedness does matter.  And the more involved the other parent is in their life, the more your role needs to differ from that of the parent.