STEPMOM

Approaches to Stepparenting that WORK

Here are a some suggestions for new stepparents – and for those that are trying to correct a situation that might be going in the wrong direction!
1.  Focus first on forging a warm and friendly interaction style with the stepchildren.  Listen to them, get to know them, and focus more on joining in family activities as opposed to seeking one-on-one activities with the stepchild, unless they initiate them.  Let the child guide the level of closeness they are willing to accept.
2.  The attitudes and actions of the biological parent are crucial here.  This is the person that has the power to invite the step-parent into the fold, as the children will follow the cue of their parent.  So if the children ignore, or worse yet, are rude and disrespectful to the step parent, and their own parent lets them get away with this behavior, the stepfamily has far less of a chance of working.  In this case, the stepparent is in for a nearly impossible struggle.
3.  The couple needs to agree on a set of rules for the home and expectations for the children’s behavior.  Without some structure in the home (since the new family does not automatically have one), there can be a general feeling of anxiety in the home.  And the lack of structure is a breeding-ground for misunderstanding, resentment, and conflict, because of unclarified expectations.  This structure should be communicated to the children by the couple.  Once this new structure starts to gel, children begin to feel more secure and much stress is alleviated in the home.
4.  The lead role in discipline and authority needs to be taken by the biological parent, who also needs to back up the stepparent in carrying out the agreement for the structure that has been set up by the two of them.  Early in stepfamily life, the stepparent is best seen the way a child would view a coach or camp counselor:  one who provides instruction and follows through with rules, but does not take over the role of the parent.  The stepdad who tries to take over the role of disciplinarian is asking for rebellion from his stepson – punishment isn’t an approach that will work!
5.  Becoming more of an insider may then occur as everyone settles into their roles and accepts the stepfamily.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, though:  experts say that it takes seven to ten years for a stepfamily to complete the development process.  And depending on a number of factors, the relationship between the stepparent and stepchildren may never become as warm and accepting as you would like.
So, in the meantime, take care of yourself.  You will likely need some time to renew yourself, with other interests and friends where you feel like a comfortable insider.  Adjusting your expectations can help.  And it might be very helpful to do what’s necessary to deal with any feelings of rejection you face – otherwise, they can cause a boomerang effect in the home, as your unhappiness will affect others.  Your upset about it can sour relationships that could otherwise begin to bloom.  A breakthrough session can help you to process what’s underneath your feeling of alienation; sometimes it’s amplified by some old hurt that is still there even though you might not remember it.  And just being grateful for the good moments, the unexpected connections and fun times, can go a long way to beginning to shift your focus and help you enjoy what is good about the stepfather stepson relationship you’re building.