STEPMOM

We have so stereotyped the stepmother that it’s worthwhile to look at who the real stepmom is. In Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin explores the issue of why the real stepmom thinks, feels, and acts as she does, in depth.

She writes:

“Who are stepmothers? Real people, of course. Quite often, we are women in tough situations, trying to do our best with stepchildren who resent us and partners who, though well-meaning, are likely to minimize the problems we face and perhaps even undermine our efforts.

But we are something else as well, something more. Being a stepmother means being part person and part icon, living on the dis-orienting edge of what is imaginary and what is real. We may do the grocery shopping, but we are also potent and frightening signifiers from history and myth.

In our gossip, movies, myths, and collective cultural history, the stepmother emerges in various guises – gold digger, death dealer, witch, bitch over and over again. In the late 1800’s folklorists identified nearly 350 versions of the Cinderella story alone…The wicked stepmother, it seems, like the incest taboo and the fear of snakes, is a cultural universal, easily recognized and justifiably loathed.”

This is quite a cultural overlay on the life of the real stepmom, and a tremendous set of negative images to overcome. It stacks the cards squarely against her, and insures that her road will be an uphill one. Let’s separate some of these myths from the reality that the real stepmom faces. Dr. Martin outlines five universal dilemmas in a stepfamily:

You’re not my mother! It seems the child has a need to reject the stepmother, and to make it very clear that she is an outsider and not really part of the family.

The phase of rejection of the stepmom is real, and can be a harbinger of her becoming the “wicked stepmother” if two things happen: If the real stepmom takes the rejection personally, and either withdraws or tries too hard to overcome it; and if her husband does not back her up and make it clear to the stepchild(ren) that she is in the family to stay.

Once that fact is accepted by the child, a relationship can begin to be built. But it remains true that you are not his or her mother, and will never have that same bond.

The myth of the blended family. The real stepmom knows that the stepfamily will not truly blend into a unit that looks the same as a cohesive, nuclear family. Jeannette Lofas of the Stepfamily Foundation says that stepfamiles don’t blend, they collide!

So, it can help to examine expectations, both spoken and unspoken, and recognize that the real stepfamily can be its own creation, without trying to fit into an idealized conception. The real stepmom, who often the most emotionally invested in how the family bonds, is the person who can be the catalyst in helping to define a stepfamily that works for the unique set of people involved.

The myth of the maternal stepmother. Society’s expectation is that a woman in the role of stepmother should automatically feel love for her stepchildren. The real stepmom knows this is not true, at least not the automatic part.

Her ability to tolerate her stepchild’s mess, misbehavior and minor (or major) quirks will not come as easily as it might to that child’s mom. It took me years of feeling that I “should” love my stepdaughter the way I loved my son, before accepting myself for feeling differently about the two of them.

I have built the love I have now for my stepdaughter, through effort, sacrifice and learning to understand her. The understanding of our biological children comes more naturally, because they share part of our DNA.

Difficult developmental stages. Throughout the period of growing up, children go through difficult developmental stages – the terrible twos, awkward adolescence, and the tumultuous teens – and more. Depending on the stage the children are in when the stepfamily begins, the real stepmom faces particular challenges.

These stages are hard enough on the parent, but since the stepmom has not had the benefit of bonding at earlier stages when they were at more undeniably precious, she is at a loss for dealing with tantrums or fits of other kinds, especially when they are directed at her. Unfortunately, the stepmom is an easy target. The real stepmom gets lots of practice in not taking things personally, and would benefit from learning all she can about developmental stages of children.

Competition. Jealousy and envy brings out the worst in everyone, and that includes the stepchildren and the real stepmom. It can seem to the dad that he is stuck in the middle, trying to meet the demands of his children, his wife, and often his ex-wife as well. Especially in the newly formed stepfamily, it seems that everyone’s interests are at odds with another’s.

There is a rivalry between the stepmom and the stepchild that is probably at the core of the cultural stereotypes of the stepmother – rivalry over time, money, love and affection. The real stepmom faces a balancing act that constantly needs juggling, allocating resources to insure that her marriage is nurtured and that the children’s needs are met as well.

These dilemmas are only part of the overall picture of stepfamily life for the real stepmom.

Add to these, the unpredictable changes in the composition of the family that come as children’s visitation schedules shift, or as they change their primary residence from one parent’s home to the other – often changes that she has little control over without being at risk of being considered “stepmonster”. The most difficult part of the real stepmom’s experience might be the overall lack of control she must learn to cope with.

As more and more real stepmoms speak out about their real experience, and more experts recognize what the real stepmom faces, we will have a better and better chance of demystifying the stepmother role, and providing the real stepmom with information that can truly help her with a tough role.

To make your stepfamily life a great success, visit the online course offered by StepMomSOS.