STEPMOM

The stepfamily is becoming the most prevalent type of family structure in our culture.  Although it’s hard to pin down the statistics for a number of reasons (the US Census does not count the stepfamily as such, and the stepfamily of one parent overlaps that of the other), many experts predict that by 2010, the number of stepfamilies has surpassed the number of first families.

The stepfamily is getting more attention in the media now, and it seems a new book covering some aspect or another of the stepfamily appears regularly.  It is a good thing that there are new norms forming, because there have been a number of myths around the stepfamily that have made it harder for the stepfamily to be successful.

What is a working definition for the stepfamily?  Any time there is a committed relationship (by marriage or living together) where one of the members of that relationship has one or more children, that forms the stepfamily.  There are so many potential step-relationships, from stepmom to stepdad, to step uncle/aunt, to step brother/sister, and finally, stepgrandparents.  The purpose of this article is to bring out some of the myths that face the stepfamily, so that we can begin to de-bunk them.

The Stepfamily Myths

Myth #1:   Myth of Instant love:  the biological bond of parent/child is put there by Mother Nature – it’s not going to happen by itself, or instantly with the stepparent.  We are generally unaware of how unable we are to see our children objectively – we’re blind to many of their faults.  It’s a myth that our partner “should” love them as we do, and share our perspective.  In fact, their greater objectivity can be an advantage when appreciated and accepted – once trust is built.  You fell in love with your partner, your children did not – and whether love grows between your children and your partner is dependent on many factors.

Myth #2: The goal is for the stepfamily to bond just like an original family.  In truth, the stepfamily cannot and will not function as does the first family.  Jeannette Lofas, the founder of The Stepfamily Foundation, says it’s like playing a game of chess with the rules of checkers!  It just won’t work.  The stepfamily is a different entity, with a different structure, and we’ll be much better off if we accept it for what it is.

Myth #3:  Children will accept the new stepparent as a parent figure.  In actuality, it is more common for stepchildren to at least go through a phase of rejecting the new step-parent.  It is helpful to prepare for this, as it’s similar to what the medical profession prepares for in organ transplants, as rejection of foreign tissue is a major concern.  When you think about it, we get our most intimate sense of self, our very identity, from our biological family… we can never separate our sense of who we are, from our identification with our own parents.  In the stepfamily, suddenly, at the end of a marriage ceremony (sometimes not even that!), someone comes in to take the role of an original parent.  Even if the child is not aware of it, even if it’s unconscious – he or she is affected at some level.  On the outside he or she may seem to want this change;  even if the relationship has gone well up until this point and the stepparent and the child have bonded…a process of rejection occurs on some level.

Myth #4:  Children are being disloyal to their other parent by bonding with the stepparent.  This is a myth that is often held by stepchildren, until they get help in dismantling it.  In some developmental stages, children have a hard time with opening their circle of acceptance – they might feel that they have to reject one friend to let in another.  Sometimes, the parent who is outside the stepfamily encourages their child to reject the new step-parent, because they feel threatened by that new relationship.  So
the child feels the danger that if they bond with the stepmom, they are being disloyal to their mom.  This can occur with children of any age, even adult children.   Know that you’re entering dangerous territory if you try to “win the stepchild over” against their other parent!

Myth #5:  The Wicked Stepmother.  It’s pretty difficult for stepmothers when there’s a whole folklore supporting the concept of the evil stepmother.  In fairy tales, the stepmother is depicted as cruel and malicious – she is so hated she is usually killed off.  Cinderella, Snow White, Little Red Riding Hood.. quite a stereotype to live down!  Recently, in my observation at a preschool, one  4-yr old boy was telling friends on the playground about terrible things his “evil stepmother” had done to him.  Naturally concerned, I checked into his home situation and found out his was a first family – there was no stepmother involved, just a compelling fantasy he had bought into – and he was promulgating the myth!  The stepmom can easily become labelled as “evil” if she makes any of a number of mis-steps, and if her husband does not understand the importance of supporting her.  And as hard as it is not to make any mis-steps, she can become an “evil stepmother” even if she had all good intentions going into the stepfamily.

Myth #6: The household will be more structured after the stepfamily forms.  In actuality, when two households come together, they are bound to have some different approaches to parenting, different styles of living and habits, different rules for treating each other, etc.  The number of people in the household may double or more, and there is no time to gradually let norms develop for living together as happens in a marriage before children come.  It can be chaotic, especially when there are some children who have different schedules for living there on top of the rest of it.  But in a home without sufficient structure, no one knows what to expect in the household.  Although we all need structure, children in particular do poorly with lack of structure. Structure provides kids with security, especially with a big change in structure of the family.  They will test the boundaries just to find where they are, so you might expect more acting out.  The level of anxiety will go down overall when time and effort are invested by the stepfamily in working out the rules of the house.

Myth #7:  The children are better off being parented by one or the other parent.  The research shows clearly that the children who do best after divorce are the ones whose parents put their differences aside and learn to co-parent.  It is a huge challenge to do that, when the divorce was a clear indication that the two of you did not see eye to eye!
The goal of co-parenting, at a minimum, is to contain your anger and conflict with your ex-spouse in order to cooperate and compromise on issues that affect the children’s welfare.  For yourself and your children, one of the most important things you can do is clear your own issues from the divorce.  Bad-mouthing on either side just tears the child in two – it does not accomplish your goal of bringing the child over “to your side”.
The key to giving your children a chance of becoming whole as an adult child of divorce, is to allow them to love and honor both of their parents, and live constructively in both homes with all parental figures involved.

These seven myths are some of the major ones that the stepfamily must face.  There are more variations and myths, and it’s a complicated system.  However, if you’re in a stepfamily situation now, you’ve opted for the complexity and you’re best off learning to deal with it.  Get good knowledge that will help you to debunk any myths or unrealistic expectations you’ve been experiencing.  Read some of the excellent books on the subject; find a counselor or coach who is specially trained to work with stepfamilies, or take a course to help you through.  Debunking the myths of the stepfamily will give you a new start!