STEPMOM

This article appeared in the April 2010 issue of Stepmom Magazine, and is appropriate to reprint here, as you’ll be invited to a free webinar about The Cast in the Stepfamily Drama:

Stepfamilies are conducive to all kinds of drama, to painful feelings that can tear us apart and wear us down: the sting of being left out or outright rejected; the frustration of hearing a teen stepchild scream “You’re not my mother, you can’t tell me what to do!”; anger with his or her mom, who refuses to make eye contact but expects us to cart her kids to and fro and make healthy meals while they’re on our turf. Understandably, we get mired in the drama, and it feels awfully personal.

It truly is a lifesaver to know that we’re not alone, that stepmoms everywhere are going through similar struggles. And that helps us to take one step back from seeing the reactions of our stepfamily members as a personal vendetta against us. But what I’m recommending is a bigger step backwards, all the way to the upper balcony – to see the stepfamily as a system.

Taking that big step backwards from the role in which we’re cast, from a distance, we
can see predictable patterns emerge in the scenes we’ve been enacting. We then discovery that we’re not the only ones going through predictable pain, that each one in the stepfamily is cast in a role due to features built in to the stepfamily system. These features make certain roles in the stepfamily drama fairly inevitable:

Stepfamilies Form from Loss
By definition, the stepfamily was created over the foundation of a loss of a parent – through separation, divorce or death. Professor E. Mavis Hetherington’s study of families indicates that following divorce, a transition period that lasts about three years is typical. Yet most remarriages occur within two years after divorce. This helps to explain why children in the stepfamily (as well as the ex-spouses) may still be struggling with grief and loss over “the family that was”. Moreover, the impact of their parents’ divorce can have powerful emotional repercussions lasting much longer for many children. No wonder it’s frequent that stepchildren take the position in their role that “you don’t belong in my family”.

Conflict of Loyalty
There’s no such thing as an ex-parent, only an ex-spouse. The child remains biologically and emotionally bound to both parents. All the research indicates it’s when the child has access to both parents and thinks well of both of them, that the best prognosis for the child’ well-being over the long-term results. But every member of the stepfamily (and the supra-stepfamily which includes both the child’s homes), has a tendency to get caught in this loyalty conflict, creating unnecessary protagonist-villain clashes. The child plays the role of siding with the parent in the nonresident home, rejecting the stepparent “for the parent’s sake”; the stepparent has a (sometimes subconscious) desire to be chosen over the other parent; and the parent in the other home feels threatened by the stepparent, acting out this rivalry and wielding inordinate power over the stepfamily.

Vulnerability of the Couple
The bonds between the parent and child pre-date the bond between the couple in a stepfamily, and those bonds just happen to be unconditional and pretty unbreakable. With the loyalty conflict we just described in place, the couple’s relationship starts out in a vulnerable position. The needs of the children, and the roles they find themselves in, are BIG roles in the drama we’re part of, and have a tendency to overpower the needs of the couple. Make sure that the couple role plays a primary one in your household, or your stepfamily drama is more likely to have a tragic ending.

Role Shifts
Actors are trained to move from one role to another with ease (but even they have to avoid being type-cast!). Most of us, however, get pretty identified with our roles, and resist the upheaval that big role changes bring – after all, our ego identifies itself with the roles we take on. In a stepfamily, suddenly everyone undergoes a major role change (or more!). An only child becomes a sibling, a elder child may suddenly become a younger brother or sister, a single woman is an instant parent figure! We forget to take into account the role changes that require understanding and a period of adjustment.

These characteristics of the stepfamily create predictable challenges for each role in the new family. It’s true that the stepmom may have the most ambiguous role, and hers is often the one that gets “dumped on” the most easily. But everyone in the stepfamily is caught in a role that “prescribes” certain reactions and experiences.

Next time you find yourself in face-to-face conflict with someone in your stepfamily system, be it your spouse, stepchild, your own child or the stepchild’s other parent, stop and take a look at it from a different perspective. What role are you playing? What role is the other caught up in? In the fracas of life, we forget to take notice. A little empathy for those in your family who are also acting out a role, unaware that they are identifying with it, can go a long way towards moving your family into another, more peaceful act in Stepfamily Drama.