The Stepmom Stepdaughter Relationship
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Stepmom’s and Stepdaughter’s Relationship – Can it be as dynamic as it could be?
Almost nineteen years into a stepmom stepdaughter relationship, I well know that this can be one of the touchiest – and potentially most difficult – relationships in the stepfamily.
In our stepmom stepdaughter relationship, we found our way through to acceptance and appreciation of one another, but it was a pretty circuitous route, and it was fraught with a number of mis-steps.
In Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin reports that to complicate matters, many books on stepmothering give bad advice that perpetuate two destructive myths: the myth of the blended family and the myth of the maternal stepmother. She summarizes this advice:
- Remember that his kids will always come first
- Leave the disciplining to him
- You will regret it forever if you lose your temper or say something nasty to your stepchildren, so whatever you do, don’t
- With patience and love, they will come around.
The truth is, after a divorce, the daughter often has her dad “all to herself” when they are together, and their lifestyle can often be dominated by her needs and desires. The daughter learns well how to get what she wants from dad, and the guilt he feels about the divorce often fuels his tendency to give, give, give and expect little in return.
It is often not a balanced relationship with regard to healthy parent-child relations, and she may not be getting the discipline and structure that are needed. The same complication can easily set in with mothers and sons, as well as dads and sons but this article is about the stepmom stepdaughter relationship.
How to successfully improve stepmom’s and stepdaughter’s relationship
Enter the stepmom, into an icy atmosphere of “daddy belongs to me; I don’t want to share him!” If the daughter’s father follows the first piece of advice “my kids will always come first”, then the stepmom stepdaughter relationship will be frozen, unable to flower, and the stepcouple will be beholden to the daughter’s approval every step of the way.
This will drive a wedge between the couple, and if allowed to build, another breakup is on the horizon. Certainly, the daughter’s needs are important, and her feeling of grief over losing her primacy in her dad’s life needs to be acknowledged.
But if her father does not in some way let his daughter know that, as special as she is to him, he is committed to his partnership, then the daughter has an unbalanced level of power in the family that will have a negative outcome for her in the long run, and for the family.
The second piece of advice, leave the disciplining to him, can also create tremendous havoc in the stepmom stepdaughter department. Commonly, in the household after divorce, the dad working to make ends meet, managing a household without help, going through his own pain after the divorce, and trying to be both dad and mom, has understandably put structuring the home life pretty far down on his priority list.
Expecting good manners, getting the family at the table together for nutritious meals, rules about homework, TV etc. might have escaped him as he tried to juggle single parenthood.
The dad’s awareness, on some level, of the need for structure in the home may well have been part of the drive to remarry to find a helpmate. And so he brings in a woman and expects her to structure the household at least traditionally, that’s part of what a wife does, isn’t it?
But how can it be done without her having any authority? If all the discipline is left to him, then the stepmom is completely stifled, with no power to do what it takes to make the household run well. If she does take over without his blessing, she becomes the wicked stepmother.
And, how is she to act when the stepdaughter misbehaves and her dad is not around? This puts her in an impossible situation. A plan for compassionate and effective discipline, developed by the stepcouple, and a gradual handover of authority to the stepmom must be done, and must be done by the dad. Then the stepmom stepdaughter relationship can take hold in a way that puts the adult-child relationship in an appropriate power position.
“You’re not my mother!” What stepmom has not heard that? It happens to be the truth. There’s nothing to take personally here. The calm response, “No, I’m not, and I’m not trying to be your mother. But in this house, we have a rule that TV watching comes after homework and baths” or whatever the rule may be. As long as she knows she’s gbacked up by her husband or partner, this will diffuse a negative cycle in the stepmom stepdaughter relationship.
It’s true that as a stepmom, you will sometimes say things that you will regret afterwards. But the last thing you want to do is hold in all your anger, resentment and frustration with no place for it to go. It will come out, and come out it will, either in your relationship with your partner, in your health and well-being, or in your stepmom stepdaughter relationship as well.
Feelings buried alive never die. It’s very important for you to find a release for your feelings, and to work through the issues involved – through counseling, through a course LINK, or a forum. It might be best to work through them to some degree before unloading on your partner, as it can be pretty hard for a dad to see his daughter objectively.
If the two of you have made an effort to understand what it takes to make a successful stepfamily, you will be better equipped to work through these feelings successfully together.
The last piece of advice, with patience and love they will come around, describes a successful outcome of the stepmom stepdaughter relationship – but not all stories end happily ever after. It is more likely to be the result if you have taken the steps to strengthen your own partnership, learned to listen to your stepdaughter’s feelings without becoming defensive, and expressed your own feelings constructively.
And it’s more likely to happen if you have forged a relationship with her by spending enjoyable time together, gotten to know and appreciate her, do for her in a balanced way, and been encouraging to her in her own unique strengths.
It was not until I sat side by side with my stepdaughter, encouraging her in the long process of applying to colleges and scholarships that I felt our relationship, truly flourish – finally, I was able to appreciate her for who she was – and this role (which I was best suited for among her three parents) had the effect of opening my heart to her.
Does it sound like a tall order to put all this into your relationship with your stepdaughter, with no guarantee of success? It is, and there’s no compulsion to do it this way; what works for you and your stepfamily will be your own creation.
The two of you may be more comfortable with a more distant yet respectful relationship – and that can be harmonious as well. The stepmother stepdaughter relationship, when successful, is one that will provide you with much joy and satisfaction and will nurture your relationship with your partner as well.
To get some help in understanding the role of stepmom with her stepdaughter, see the online course offered by StepmomSOS.
(12 votes, average: 3.42 out of 5)
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BIG DISCLAIMER: I MEANT TO GIVE THIS ARTICLE 5 STARS AND INADVERTENTLY PRESSED SOMETHING AND IT STOPPED AT 1 AND WON’T LET ME TAKE BACK….HATE STUFF LIKE THAT.
So, in this 5 star rated piece, I agree wholeheartedly and this is a wonderful relief for so many stepmothers to feel. For many, despite all their good efforts, nothing ever does change and I think it’s important that stepmothers can accept this and move on in their lives without their stepchildren’s love or approval. How horrible it would be if many of us spent our lives waiting for that!
When I’m working with women married to men with children, we focus on strengthening the marriage. The children are the first responsibility but the marriage is the top priority. It’s an important distinction.
Being a “stepmother” to a teenage daughter is fraught with complexities. I have a 16 year old stepdaughter. Her parents have very different rules for her than I did with my daughters at that age. The best policy is to keep my mouth shut…after all she is not my child. I focus more on my wonderful relationship with my husband and don’t get all caught up in whatever it is my stepdaughter is thinking about me. Quite frankly, at her age, I would think it’s barely any time at all, if any!
Excellent advice here and again, 5 stars!
Gina,
I’m so sorry to hear how much you have been through, and I’m wondering if you’re on your own, now that you are 22. You have much pain to work through, and I suggest that if at all possible you get some therapy, or at least some kind of support group to help you with it. It does seem at this point that you would be protecting yourself best by getting out on your own, so that you can begin your recovery. As for your dad, keep a relationship with him the best you can. Have a heart-to-heart with him when you are calm, and in neutral location. You need some distance from your stepmom until she decides she is ready to work on the grief that she is taking out on you.
I have finally found an article that both acknowledges the hardships of stepmotherhood, and also gives realistic and insightful advice! I have been a stepmother for three years, but it hasn’t been easy. On the one hand, the “real mom” of my daughter is not exactly an ideal mother, which made it pretty easy to win some of her affection. But on the other hand, I do believe that my daughter will always have emotional scars from a lack of intimacy with her biological mother. My daughter calls me mom, and I call her daughter, but I know our relationship isn’t quite whole. The birth of my own daughter eighteen months ago dramatically impacted me in a way I never anticipated: I had to come to terms with the fact that I didn’t love my stepdaughter with my whole heart, and that I may never truly love her as my own.
I feel enormous guilt over this everyday. I find it much more difficult to accept my stepdaughter for who she is, partly because I don’t really like her personality. I find her more annoying than endearing most of the time. I have to be very careful not to let my feelings get in the way of our relationship. It’s not easy. It’s like I chose the worst roommate ever, and I know I will have to live with her for ten more years! She is a good girl, though, and we have both come a long way together.
My husband did the exact thing mentioned in the article above. That is a hot mess to sort out, especially if the girl is also temperamental like mine. The only advise I can give is to pray… A lot. And talk to your husband about the way you feel. Your husband should appreciate the difficulty of the situation. I have found that my husband can give sound insight into the way I behave toward my daughter. Sometimes it’s not easy to hear that you are being an overbearing tyrant, but sometimes it’s the truth.
Thank you for sharing honestly about the extremely complicated interactions that occur between stepdaughters and stepmoms. I hope you let yourself off the hook for feeling guilty. For what? Being human? You have done and are doing the best you can, and I daresay if you decide to accept “what is” rather than expect an ideal that just isn’t so, you can relax and enjoy the relationship with your stepdaughter more and more. One other thing: it might be a good idea to take some care in how much you share with your husband about how you feel. He’s got the biological loyalty to his daughter that he can’t extricate from (just like you do with your own baby now), and he can’t be as objective as you might need. So use good friends as sounding boards, and be more positive than negative with your husband about the situation.. A little “biting of the tongue” can go a long way to keeping peace in the home. All the best to you, and I acknowledge you for your openness to honest feedback from your husband!
I was so pleased to finally see an article that is much more accurate and open about creating a step-family, in our family as a step-mum I am a third parent and it was so reassuring to read someone else putting it that way to rather than the ‘like an auntie’ nonsense we get told – you can be a parent – and a very good parent too – without needing to be Mum or Dad, I’m very proud to be Step-Mum (a third parent!).
I have a 12 year old stepdaughter and a 10 year old stepson. There real mother has to many issues to note! She calls me for help on her visitation. She only has them 3 weekends a month. I am school mom activity mom homework mom and all their needs mom. She is disney land Mom. I am trerated like a cook and caregiver. She has all their love. I am not dealing well. I love their father to much to leave. But am wearing thin!! So frustated!
My husband and I have tried with his 2 daughters for 12 years, they are now grown and are worse than ever. We have recently said that we will engage in a more distant relationship with the one due to continued issues.
I am a stepmom of 6 kids. The older 3 girls are grown and have never lived with us and I don’t have any relationship with them other than acquaintance. My husbands other 3 kids live with us full time and I have a teen aged step daughter and a pre-teen step daughter. so far my relationship with them has been ok and not really strained, but they are still young. I have realized recently that I’m doing way too much for them though and need to leave it up to dad and mom…if they need shorts, etc…the past 6 years I have been the main caregiver of the kids and provider. I am burnt out and I get wounded when the do get sassy with me. They generally always though want a hug and kiss before bedtime…which is really nice. They have pretty much called me mama not mom since they have a mom even though she’s a train wreck and unstable. Best to everyone out there…it’s a tough road to travel.
Hi, I really believe this is very interesting. Much Appreciated,
My husband and i have been married for just a little over one year. He has a 12 year old daughter from his previous marriage. Since we got married my Husban’s family have never accept me and until now we dont share any family time with his side of the family. His daughter is very close to his mother who absolutely hates me. His daughter and i have not been close at all and that is primarily my fault. I dont know what it is that makes me feel bothered when she stays with us. I dont know if its jelousy, the fact that she is so close to his mother, or the fact that i feel pressured by my husband for me to improve my relationship with his daughter. I love my husband so much and i really want to make it work but i really dont know how to make things better with my step daughter. I always mentally prepare when she is coming to stay with us and say to myself that i will make an effort to go talk to her, but somehow as soon as i see her or hear her coming in to the house it is soo difficult to do as i planned. I easily get annoyed by her when she asks questions about anything. Her lifestyle at her mothers and grandmothers is so diferrent to mine and how i would want to raise my own children. I have openly spoken to my husband about my feelings towards his daughter and everytime we discuss it we end up arguing and not talking for a few days. I do tell him that he needs to think about what he wants to do if i am not able to build that relationship with his daughter. He tells me that it is not fair and he says that if he is worth it then i need to make every effot to make it work; and he is worth it but i honestly do not know how to fix it. Please help!
I dealt with my husband’s daughter for eight or more years. We have been married for four years now and although she was an adult when we started dating, things have only gotten worse over the years. The relationship I have with her was determined by her mother and has been driven by my step-daughter’s lack of character and her inability to care about anyone else but herself. Over the years I have done everything I can to both help out and stay out of the way. At this point in my life, I feel there is absolutely no way to fix this situation. I have gone out of my way to avoid doing anything that can be criticized. There isn’t one instance where she has anything to say about my behavior, but because her mom is a nasty human being, a gold-digger, and insecure, this daughter has been damaged beyond my ability to influence. If you haven’t experienced the trama of step parenting, you are lucky. This is a third marriage for me and I have positive relationships with two previous step children, so I know it isn’t me who is the problem. The really sad part of the situation is that this girl doesn’t realize how her mom has used dislike of me as well as insecurity to damage her daughter’s relationship with her own father. I would like to assure step parents out there that there are some situations that will never change for the better and that you might as well give up and step back. Continue to be the good person you know you are and leave the rest to God. Try to salvage your relationship with your spouse and just give it up.
I had to write to this comment by confused stepmother since I have made mistakes in the area of my husband. Don’t ever forget that your husbands loyalties are with his daughter. He will not understand why you don’t see his daughter the same way he does, Perfect in every since of the way. To him she is the perfect baby he saw the day she was born and is not at fault for what she does. I too do not like my stepdaughter and have found it hard to deal with her. My husbands first wife die from cancer when his kids were five and eight. My husband did a great job taking care of them for five years before we were married. I lived across the street and was friends with him and his whole family before his kids were born. We did not date till his oldest was twelve. The twins and I got along fine after our marriage but the oldest one (who was the acting mother after her mothers death)and I had problem from the beginning. She is very good at manipulation of her father. She says what her father wants to hear and makes me out to be the bad guy in all situations. I had hoped when she went to college (at my suggestions she moved on campus) things would get better for my relationship with her father. I had hope that he would see for hisself what she was about, but to no advail. This have gotten so bad that I am not sure that our marriage will make it through this mess. The point that I want to make here is that I went to my husband for All issues about his daughters and it backfired on me big time. If I had a do over I would handle things with my oldest stepdaughte myself. I would not look for my husband to handle her. The reason I say this is because he has an unrealistic view of his daughter and the crap she does, example: This last incident my end my marriage, I had planned a mother daughters day (I have five daughters with his and mine) to make goodies for xmas presents. Jessie who is eighteen (no drivers license) wanted to go to her boyfriends half way through the day. I said ok and the other four girls and I continued our cooking. When her dad picked her up from her boyfriends it was late and I was already in bed. When my husband came to our room paceing I found out that she refused to come into the house. When I finialy got up to find out what was up it went from bad to worse and to make a long story short in the past six months my relationship with my husband has become unbearable. The only thing I regreat is instead of handeling my stepdaughter like I do my own (by confronting their behavior) I went to her father for dicipline and clearity. I believe that I should of handled her behavior myself (ofcourse after exsplaining the situation to her dad). I believe that she would not have been able to wedge between her dad and I) I am in a pickle now and not sure how we will survive. Jessie has gotten everything she wanted to live with her boyfriend by making me the scapegoat. So my advice no matter what you feel about your stepdaughter do not go to the dad and exspect his to back you up. Let his know about the bad behavior in a nonconfrontational manner and try to take your feeling out of it and then let his know what YOUR plan of dicipline is and follow through with it. Kids need boundries and sometimes fathers can not see what their daughters are capable of and pointing out her flaws to his will only hurt your marriage. Handle your stepdaughters as you would your own and don’t get hung up on how you feel about them. You will probably never love her as your own and that is very human and should not be exspected too.
For 8 years I have been putting up with two nasty, immature, selfish, now adult women as “step-daughters.” I want nothing to do with either one now and when they call, I immediately give the phone to my husband. There can be no relationship when one isn’t really wanted and I have quit trying. I now have to figure out how to keep them out of my life for good.
Hi everyone,
I appreciate all of the posts here and agree with quite a few things that have been mentioned, however, I want to share the perspective of the stepdaughter in such situations. I am currently in my late 20s and have no children of my own. I was an only child when my parents divorced when I was five and almost immediately it seemed like they were both in new relationships. My Dad met a much younger woman with a son my age. My relationship with my stepmother was one that has gone on to impact me more than any other relationship in my life…unfortunately for the negative. Some of you mention that you have personally experienced the difference in love between your own child and a stepchild. As an adult now, that dynamic makes sense, however, when you are a young child and that fact is bright as day with actions and words it’s devastating to a self esteem. I had to grow up with my step brother “the golden child” while I was scrutinized for everything. Granted I wasn’t perfect, however, talking back was never tolerated in the house due to my father’s strict limit on respect and therefore didn’t happen, ever. My brother and I were both on honor roll, both did well at sports but I always felt like a second class citizen and looking back I honestly feel it is because she couldn’t handle my Dad having another “girl” in his life. I’m his daughter, there was no need for competition. I think an important thing to take away is to always remember who the adult is and who is the child. Even as teenagers the human mind isn’t fully matured to think as rationally as an adult it heir early 20s and women are often entering into the situation with a new love, an exciting time whereas for the child their world as they know it has been flipped around, family changed without all the tools and skills to properly work through it.
On the flip side, my stepfather entered into my life at the same time with no other children. He has been with mom for over 20 years with two boys of their own. We had a few rough patches here and there, but I have always gotten the feeling he loves me and wants the best for me. I feel incredibly lucky today to have grown up with two great Dads. His key was staying out of the discipline at the beginning, giving me time to adjust and always treating me with respect and a sense that his life was fuller somehow with me in it by his words and actions. That, has made all the difference.
Thanks
Awesome perspective – thanks so much for sharing!
Hi Devil’s Advocate
You make a great point about the difficulties of being a child with a step parent and I can understand how hard it must be, but have you thought about your negative relationship with your step mom being a two way street? Yes she may have favored her own son, but your father probably favored you… And if they both favored the son than why is she the only one to blame? Doesn’t your father have a role in that dynamic? I have two step kids and none of my own and I can say first hand that being a step mom can be a very thankless role. I spend a lot of time, money, and care on those kids and many times the youngest seems to wish I wasn’t around even though I try my best to make both her and her older brother happy. She is very attention hungry for father’s attention and I sometimes feel like she views me as a threat, not the other way around… I have talked to friends and family about the situation and many agree that she does seem to want all of her father’s attention and doesn’t like sharing him with me or her brother. I know she is just a young child so I don’t say much to her or her father about this, but the vision of the step mother as being “evil” is a complete laugh to me! It’s the hardest and most thankless job you can have! You are expected to love and nurture children that are not your own and have no loyalty to you whatsoever. That chose their biological parents over you every time even though you do just as much for them (if not more) than either of their parents. Just thought I would try to put it in perspective for you as you have put your perspective out there as well.
Hi everyone,
After many years I found Mr. Right. We started as friends. We both were living and ending dead-end marriages. We would talk openly about our problems. We did not have any affair. I left my husband and I later went overseas for a job contract for 6 months. During that time his marriage ended – nasty. A bitter fight with his wife and the 24 year old daughter calling the police. Then he was restrained and found himself his own place. When I found out about his turmoil, I called him to see how he was doing. He went from a big house to a little shack apartment.
I never let him get too close to me. I knew he did have a crush, but I never wanted to have him rebound. I wasn’t ready for any relationship. But…when I came back from my contract – I was alone and thought since he was, then why not give it a try. I have to say in some ways it was the best and the worst situation I ever got into.
It is going on 3 years and after his bitter divorce we are both ajdusting to being together. We do plan to marry, but a lot of things are complicated. At least we have made one committment – we bought a house together and are enjoying working on making it home.
The problem is the daughter. She is now 27 and probably remembers me as the friend he introduced me as years ago. She coincindently saw her father and I driving on route to camping. With windows rolled down in hopes of saying hi… she turned pale and called me a “Bitch and a Homewrecker”. Of course,she lives with the mother, who after the house sold moved in with the son(now 28)- in his home.
Because of the divorce and finalizing the finances, both kids seemed to alienate the father. The daughter, after meeting me that day, really gave the silent treatment to her dad. Plus she really felt to blame for calling the police that made her dad leave. The son I think just stayed neutral. He did not call as often and did not meet his dad until well into the 2nd year. Bit by bit the son seems to have accepted the situation and me (at least in the acquaintance sense). He will carry on conversations and makes me feel comfortable. I don’t have any worries with him.
The daughter will not budge. She has started to talk to her dad again, but is stubborn in meeting me in a normal sense. She doesn’t go to family functions where she thinks I may be. She understands that her dad and I did not have an affair, but she thinks I should have stood back and let her parents try to reconcile.
My partner has stated to his daughter that I exist and that I will not be excluded from things or events just to suit her. I am glad that he is steadfast – yet I still toil over the fact that they have very limited physical association. A phone call, a text and that is it. He says he will not force her.
As for me. I can’t stand that she refuses to accept me. I have shared my turmoil with my partner, but he sees me as pushy. I fret over leaving my home to go visit my family because I am worried my partner would allow his daughter to come over – when I am not there. I worry about this sneaking around. I have shared my concern on that, but I just get the “paranoid” comment. …Maybe I am!
I did manage to get some strength to send a card to his daughter saying that she is in our hearts and thoughts and that she is welcome anytime at our home. I also said I would like the opportunity to get to know her. I gave my email and telephone number. I gave a few pictures of her dad (none of me). I sent the card opposite to what I felt – really I would like to scream at her for foresaking time with her dad and calling me a Bitch – when I am not! Hell, I lost my dad last year and through a similar situation with my parents – I wish I spent more time with my dad, not just short visits, odd phonecalls or the last 10 days in the hospital. My conscience is paying for blaming my dad for my life. Hers will too.
I came here looking for answers today. The article is spot on. My biggest problem with my step children is their mom. She divorced their Dad three years before I met him and I had one child of my own. We had two more kids together, so we have five altogether.
I met my husband when his kids were 11 and 7. My son was five. At first things were ok. His daughter was the 7 yr old and she got along ok with my son, so it worked out initially. As soon as the mom found out dad was in a serious relationship is when the trouble started. First she sent her 11 yr old son up to live with us. I firmly believe she did this to try to break us up. It didn’t work. Then we ended up with custody of his daughter about two years later. She had been in 8 different schools before she was in 5th grade. My husband won custody of her in a nasty court battle trying to give her some stability.
His ex vowed that she would make the kids hate him. Instead she directed her manipulation and anger towards me. The kids want to have a normal relationship with me, I can tell, but it is difficult for them because she makes them feel guilty. My stepson is older now and just got married. The situation with him as not as bad as it has been at some points, but my relationship with my step daughter has deteriorated to the point where I am ready to cut her off. There was an event that occurred over the weekend that has illustrated to me quite clearly how little she cares about me and my other children.
I am looking for ways to “divorce” myself from my step children without divorcing myself from their father. I just cannot stand their mother in my life another minute and if it means that I have to sacrifice my relationship with them, so be it. Any suggestions on how to go about doing this?
Our blended family of 6 (His – oldest daughter, middle son, youngest daughter Mine Oldest son, younger two twin sons) was doing okay – not great but in the process of blending over the first 3 years until his ex (who had left the family and moved away when the youngest was 9)moved back and re-entered the oldest daughter’s life because she was jobless and homeless. She (the ex) succeeded in regaining her daughter’s sympathy (and ultimately that of the other two)by totally fabricating a tale that my husband and I had been seeing each other before she left town…blah blah blah…so I became the bad guy. I didn’t even meet him until after we were divorced! Anyway, it has caused him great pain because on Christmas 2007 the two girls ‘ambushed’ us at his mother’s house in front of the whole family accusing me of ‘doing evil things to their family’. My husband is wonderful and has supported me completely because of course he knows the truth and he recognizes who is the source of this ridiculous story…we never thought it would now be almost 4 years later and neither of the daughters will have anything to do with us as long as he and I are together.
I grew up with a wonderful stepmother…she is now 81 and still close to me even though my father passed away many years ago…I know it doesn’t have to be like this and I always feel so responsible as my husband has now never seen his grandson who is 2 1/2.
I am at the end of my rope. My 15 year old step daughter is going to cause me to divorce or separate from my husband. I can no longer deal with her, her attitude, her cockiness, her fresh mouth, and do what I want attitude. My husband never disciplines her NEVER. I do and look like the evil witch. My 17 year old daughter hates the way she acts also so does my husband (her father) at times. I made so many sacrifices for her the first three years and altered my life the next two years and I cant spend the next three years bending my life for her anymore.
I have never seen a child act the way she does. She tries to boss my husband around, manipulates my husband, and acts in such an inappropriate manner; always talking about her breast and butt! She thinks she is sexy at 15. I tried to explain to her that there is nothing sexy about a 15 year old little girl.
Her mother died earlier this year. They were estranged for almost 2 years prior to her death. Her own mother said she is rude and disrespectful.
Singed,
End of my rope!
It seems to me that there can be nothing more difficult than a 15-yr old daughter – except for a 15-year old stepdaughter! I was ready to tear my hair out at that stage. Just wanted to let you know that she is now a delightful 25-yr old, and we have a wonderful relationship. So there is hope! It definitely seems to me that you and your husband need to get on the same page if this is to work, and that her behavior and her issues regarding her mom’s death need to be addressed. Please let me know if you would like a 1-1 session… I hope you don’t throw in the towel in this admittedly very difficult stage!
Hi. My fiance has a 6 year old daughter, who we will call Elle, that has serious anger problems due to her mother’s lack of attention since the divorce. A few months after the divorce, her mother got into a car accident and broke her back. She has since become dependent on pain killers and has a declining relationship with my “soon-to-be” step-daughter. Since Elle is only 6, she is still very impressionable and has willingly been a joy to be around. I have given she and my fiance time to spend alone bonding, I let him take all disciplinary action, and I have left all her opinions of me be just that… hers. I have found that if you try to push yourself on a child that wants nothing to do with you, it will only push them further away. I am sure her mother has said many foul things about me because I was friends with the family before the two had even gotten married and before Elle came into the picture. Elle was so small when they split and he and I got together that she doesn’t really remember me being around when her parents were still together. Believe me, at 6, they have a mind and a will of their own. She still has days when she visits that she wants to show out and throws stinging remarks at her father, but the relationship that I have been nurturing has led, so far, to positive results. You must give the child and the father time to get used to there being another adult in the mix, other than the Ex. I have noticed that in many of these postings, women often mention that they do not like their stepdaughters. I can understand how many situations can grow into that, but in the very beginning, you MUST allow yourself to love unconditionally. With this unconditional love, it allows the child to be more comfortable and willing to be open with you about things they would like to talk to their parents about but are uncomfortable. It allows them an outlet other than the parents that they can be so upset with. Children must feel welcome in order to welcome you into their lives. Point being – with patience and love, they will come around. I penetrated a hardened and moody 6 year old, who is normally a problem child, and have created something wonderful with her. I know in the future that she will understand that I am not trying to take her mother’s place, but that she is lucky to have yet another person who loves her. If a woman marries a man with children, she should know that with him she will have to accept his children and love his children as her own, without going to far…
Ok…where to begin… I am living with a 14 year old step-daughter…who had previously lived with us for a period of three years. (ages 4-7).. At that age she loved me to bits. Due to constant fighting between BIO-MOM, MYSELF, DAD and PATERNAL GRANDMOTHER we gave up custody. BIO-Mom has FAS…no guilt, consciences, no remorse.
The fighting was destroying the children and we felt it best to step out of the situation so that the fighting amongst the adults would stop. The fighting did stop , but total and complete neglect did not.
The children were abandoned and neglected and only after Social Services had collected 8 boxes of neglect files did they call us to come and “RESCUE” the children… 5 freaking years later…Paternal Grandmother did nothing but allow the neglect to continue.
Both paternal Grandmother and BIO-Mom hate me with a passion and blame me for EVERYTHING… Bio-Dad, my husband, has nothing to do with his parents or BIO-MOM because of their lying and manipulation. He hasn’t had any contact with them since the day in court when we cried and signed the girls over to stop the fighting.
NOW…present day…I am living with a demon from hell… She is passive aggressive, lies by omission, her favorite sayings are “I don’t know, I don’t care, I forget, I don’t remember . She is a WORLD CLASS MANIPULATOR… Her older sister, aged 16 has been in and out of jail and has recently given birth to a little girl. Her physic evaluation is grim to say the least..a baby sociopath with deviant tendencies??? She is under strict supervision and monitoring while trying to raise an infant. She has murderous tendencies and has ended up in jail for uttering death threats on two separate occasions.
MEANWHILE my step-daughter (14) is lying by omission, trying to destroy the relationship between my husband and myself…and just about succeeding.. When I get upset she smiles and smirks…when she sees someone is hurt, she laughs, when she sees someone crying she laughs. Conflict delights her. She takes all her anger and frustration out on me. I am so fed up and frustrated I want to leave.
I don’t know what the best strategies are to work with her. Do I take control and treat her like a reactive attachment disordered child…do I use patience and tolerance…do I do the discipline and leave my husband out…(which he is as he works out of town)
I am 100% lost, overwhelmed, fed up, frustrated and exhausted. I have told her I will never be her Mom, that friendship is all I’m seeking…I have advised her to call her MOM and tell her Mom that she would like to spend two sundays a month with mom one on one, but she won’t do it… I have said it is ok if she wants to see her grandparents she can walk down the street to see them, but she chooses not too. Meanwhile when the child does see BIO-MOM or Paternal Grandmother they say things like “Debbie doesn’t want you to see us” Debbie and Dad won’t let me see you..”
Nothing means anything to this child. She is attached to nothing… Since the child has been living with us Paternal Grandma hasn’t even given the child a card or called her.
She tells me in front of her Dad that she wants me at her volleyball games and gives me BIG hugs…then 4 minutes later will say..”I don’t care if you come to my games”..”It doesn’t matter to me” “I don’t care it’s your choice” She says these things out of ear shot of her father and it makes me look like a lunatic…
In front of her Dad she is respectful and kind and willing…when he is gone she is downright EVIL…
We told her (Dad and I) that Dad was going to look for a job in town so he could be home every night.. Step-daughter responded with tears saying “But that will mean less money” I said…”Yes, but your Dad will be home every night.” She just stared straight ahead, with a look as cold as ice…
Golly is there someone out there who can offer advise??? I am totally 100% lost and overwhelmed… There are SO MANY issues… What do I do…Where do I begin… I have lived like this for over 2 years…
Sincerely Deb
I have to say I was having a really hard night and this article really helped. I have the fun years with a 6 year old, but am having a hard time. The ex spoils the child rotten and lets her do what she wants, so when she comes to our house and has to do chores, she’s not interested. Then she cries that she misses her mom. We see her every 3rd weekend in the winter, since we live a few hours apart and then we’ll have her the majority of the summer. But it’s not fun if the whole time she’s crying for her mom because we’re the “mean parents” that don’t give her what she wants. It’s hard to because I’ve always tried so hard to be her mom when she’s with her dad, but I’m finding out that’s never really the same. I can understand why a step-parent wouldn’t necessarily love their step-child the same as their real child, but in reverse, that step-child will never love their step-parent like they do their real parents. This has been a struggle for me, but everyone’s comments and this article have made me feel normal! thanks again!!
I have been in a relationship with a guy for over two years now, and we have been engaged for a almost a year. Both of us are divorced he has been divorced for over 6years, and me for almost 4 years. I have a teen age son from previous marriage, and he has two children from his previous marriage daughter is 9 and son is 11. For the last two years it has been something everyday with the daughter not wanting nothing to do with me. She would scream at the top of her lungs if I asked her to do something such as get in the shower. She would sit in her room for hours rather than coming out to join the rest of us when I was home from work, but the minute I would leave she would come out. There have been many looks of hate, anger outburst, and many other things that would take forever to write. She would say that she didn’t want me and her dad to get married because she wanted him all to her self, or that I was the reason her and mom and dad were not together. When that is not the case at all her parents had been divorced many years before I met him and it was her chose to leave due to unfaithfulness. She gave him full custody of the children so they live with us full time she sees them every other weekend with the option to see them other times if she wanted to. Just when I think things are starting to get better between the two of us ( me and daughter she will go to her mothers or grandparents, and then come back and we start over again and sometimes it is worse than it was before. We have put her in counsling to help with this and it was working very well until the summer where their mother had them for two weeks at a time and did not take her to one of her appointments at all. So when summer ended it was time to get back on track and it was quicker than I thought it would. We would still have issues with her attitude or anger but we would just tell her to go to her room until she changed her attitude then she would be able to come back out. Things that are most challenging are somethings that I would say she would twist them up when visiting her grandparents or mother to always make me look like a monster she would always tell them that I boss her around or that I am being mean. She has even gone as far as telling them that I punched her. And she told us that she lied about that because she was mad at me and didn’t want her grandparents to like me because she thought they would stop loving her. When asked to tell the truth to them she said that she was afraid of them yelling at her and said that she doesn’t know how to change their mind on how they feel about me. A few weeks ago a coment was made to her before going to spend the night at grandparents house about seeing if they would send a couple pairs of jeans home since it was getting cold. Well this was on a thursday and when she left things were just fine and had been fine for a while. We had also just anounced another wedding date to the children and it wasn’t shared with anyone else yet. And we are thinking she went over to grandparents house and said something to them about all of this and it was twisted like things usually are with her, and well friday their mother picked them up from school. Saturday I arrived home from work and saw there were a few cars in my drive way. Walked in to see two police officers and a social worker sitting at my table with my fiance. Come to find out their mother called dfs on us because when she went to pick kids up friday they stopped at grandparents house ( which are my fiance’s parents) and the grandmother came out and was talking to thier mother for a long time saying that it has been said that I punched daughter and I am bossy and that I am very mean to her. All of the accusations were made over a year ago and now they are acting on this. DFS came out and saw no evidence of abuse unsafe enviroment for children and said that it seemed like someone just was angry and this is what they did. I’m lost as to what to do. I feel like im up against everything… daughter grandparents, and ex. My son has a great relationship with fiance and me and his son have a great relationship also. So it seems to me something more is going on here and I need some advice….
Is it ok for a guy to share here? I hope so, because I am totally beleaguered and could use a reality check. Nutshell: been married 7 years to a woman who I really love. I have three daughters ages 17, 21, & 23. To cut to the chase: about a year ago my wife announced her policy requiring my daughters (her stepdaughters) to call her specifically for permission to come over to our house.
Background: With very very few exceptions here and there, I can say that my daughters are tidy and considerate and have never presented any abnormal issues. My wife paid the downpayment on the house, but I have always paid a full share. In the past, I always talked to my wife before my daughters would come to visit. My daughters have hardly been over to the house in the last year, and those times have been for planned events (they live about 80 miles away from us). I am very close to my daughters and raised them essentially on my own for a number of years. I talk to them and see them (elsewhere) regularly.
I have never told my daughters about this policy, as I believe it will cause them to lose all respect for my wife (and me) and they will refuse to come over, ever. I resent this policy, big-time, and the issue has become a deal breaker for my wife and I. She has dug in her heels, and we are close to being on the rocks over it. I think that, on the face of it, it is destructive for a stepmother to insist that (only) she gives permissions for visits. She thinks that this is normal and that many stepmothers do this.
I know this is very little information to go on, but I am desperate for some kind of reality check here.
I’m 21 years old. I have a very tight relationship with my mother, and it kills me everytime I have to have decisions made by stepmother because my father never does anything without her ok. I get that they are married, and I respect that they need to make decisions together, but what I don’t respect is them making decisions, especially her, with my mother not even being in on it. Also, I was the girl who lived with my father after the divorce, but I did it because I didn’t want him to be alone, not because I could manipulate him. Once we moved in with my stepmother my father and I fought everyday and to this day I feel like I am not good enough anymore because he has her. I also feel like I can never trust her with secrets or be normal around her because the fact remains, she is my fathers wife first, and it’s only with my own mother that my brother and I will come first. To my father, and I understand this, she will always come first
Hi. I’ve been married for four years now and have struggle with my life as a step mom. My husband and I got married when I was 21 years old and his daughter was 15 years old that time. Now I’m 25 and she’s 18 but she still is cold to me. I know that I am way too young for my husband but I do believe that age doesn’t matter if u really love eAch other. His daughter is very spoiled, she wants everything on her way. She never help in the household chores and everything from her laundry to dishes- is done by her father. And so, when I came in to the family I had to tackle all those responsibilities since my husband is working and I am a housewife and soon to be a house mom. She always brought friends over and eat but the thing that I dont like is they don’t clean up their mess and so I talked to my husband about it that she is old enough to have a chore in the house and my husband agreed and talked to his daughter but his daughter cried and said “you don’t love me anymore!”.
This problem has been going on for years now and I am sick of it. My husband do give her advice about our situation but he just can’t take it when his daughter starts crying for no reason. Everytime he talks to her, his daughter is always right for him.
Year ago we moved to another city and his daughter didnt come with us since she doesnt wanna leave friends from our town. But our relationship became worst since she starts texting me that she’s gonna find a way to break us up. She always told me that I stole her dad from her. If only I don’t have a baby from my husband right now, no matter how much I love him I would’ve probably left him already since I am not happy with my life anymore. I am stressed out and haven’t laughed in a long time. Please advice me what to do. Thanks
Lonely_roses
Hello I am a mother of two boy and a girl. I started dating after the birth of my daughter. Their father and I did not work out, lets just put it that way. I meet my husband when my daughter was a just 4 months. He has a daughter as well whoes mother died in a car accident when she was only 5 months old. He and i dated for over a year before we decided to move in together. After moving in together is when I started to realize that I cannont stand his daughter! I care for her well being but would much rather her not be around. She was 3 at the time, I thought maybe it was her age and she would grow out of it but she is 5, her father and I are married,and my feelings toward her seems to be getting worse.. I feel so guilty for my feelings and wonder why I feel this way. My kids are my pride and joy and my husband seems to love them jus as he loves his own. It jus comes so natural to him. I feel so annoyed by her, I geel like she is sneaky and I feel like theres nothimg I can do to change it. My husband and I have had talks about how I am harder on her than the other two and I have been trying to be more conscience of my actions. I also feel like she tries me. Like she does things behind my back right after I ask her not to! Im not sure what to do if anything. I love my husband and have no plans on leaving him but I do not want to carry these feelings on nor do I want her to hate me when she gets older. Im the only mom she has and I really want to be the best. Please give me some advice…
Don’t feel bad, it can happen. Sometimes we expect to have the same love for our stepchildren as we do for our biological children, and it is generally not possible. My guess is your feeling badly about this has compounded into a negative spiral, which CAN be reversed. Email me on the “contact” tab, and I’ll do a free 15 minute consult with you about this.
I know how you all feel! I have been with my husband for almost 10 years now! He has a daughter who was 5 1/2 when we met, and was so damaged then by a drug/alchohol addicted mother who abused her. My step daughter was sassy and rude then, and my husband promised me it would get better- that she needed time. She is about to turn 15 and it has only gotten worse. She is the most self-centered, sassy, pessimistic person I’ve ever known. We have beent he best parents that we could be for her, and she treats us like crap and then goes to her mother and grandparents and talks trash about us. If she doesnt get her way, she makes our lived miserable- especially mine cause I’m at at-home mom and he goes to work. She doesnt listen, she doesnt do any chores, and when she is asked to all she does is complain and whine. Her real mother abused her from when she was 2 all the way to 12 (it was a long court battle but we finally got her out of there). Her loyalty to her crazy mother is so strong, but she defects how her mother is on us and she takes out all of her anger towards her mother, on me. My husband and I have two children together now (6 1/2 and 3)and I have always treated ALL THREE of them the same. My step daughter treats our 6 year old daughter like crap, barely acknowledges shes here, and then babies our 3 year old son, showing him so much love and kisses, but then turns on all of us. She is making me absolutely miserable. I hate my life with her in it, but I dont want to leave my husband. She has no respect for me, and little for anyone else in her life. Words can not express how crappy I feel because of her. I even had to start taking anti-anxiety meds because of her. I just cant deal with her any longer. What am I supposed to do???
HELP!
I am a stepmother of 28 years. My husband has two grown children…I get along fine with my stepson, but have had to give up on my stepdaughter. I tried so hard. It has been heartbreaking, but I have found I can still be happy.
I have been a stepmom now for 10 years to 2 wonderful girls… they were 3 and 5 when I married my husband whose ex-wife divorced him for another. I have given my everything to them (heart and soul) .. and after several years of abuse (to me) from their mother – I turned the other cheek and have gone as far as buying Mother’s day gifts for her from the girls each mother’s day. I pay for all their healthcare needs as both mom and dad are unemployed (my husband broke his back and neck in 2003, she was laid off and is back in school) so I am the only one gainfully employed….. I had my daughter who is now 5 and my step girls are 15 and 13… the 15 year old and I are very close but the 13 year old took the other fork in the road this past year.. she thinks she knows everything, has an entitled attitude.. wears revealing clothes.. has been lying and stealing.. we have now had a couple of bad verbal fights.. I know I have now said some things I can’t take back …. and now I am at the end of my rope… she thinks I am an wicked evil step mom – I think I created this monster by giving her too much and now she expects it and thinks she can treat me with no respect… my 5 year old is now growing up in a home where there is arguing and that crushes my heart…. I can’t take it…I am thinking of moving out with my daughter or living separately from my husband and his girls on the weeks he has them….. I didn’t realize this is what I signed up for.. to be a doormat by people who “love” me AND pay for it myself…I have too much responsibility and she has none…. my husband keeps trying to discipline her and he does it a lot but she just doesn’t care it doesn’t matter…. her mother also “tries” to discipline her but she also has enabled this behavior by telling the girls “not to tell us” things that she is doing or helps her cover up lies by playing the “good cop”…
I know it’s not entirely my 13 yr old step daughter…. I am a strong career woman who doesn’t do well in the “love and patience” department and don’t know how I can fix that ..or be fundamentally different… I was raised by a tough single mom who taught me to WORK for what I want but I can’t seem to get her to understand that same ethic… Uggghhhhh who knew life would be so hard….
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I have had a “stepmother” for almost 20 years since I was 12 years old. Unfortunately she and I have a horrible relationship. She was so insecure and jealous. Jealous of my mom and my close relationship since she and her daughter were always at odds so she badmouthed my mother constantly even though she didn’t meet my mom until a decade after marrying my dad. Even though its been years since she badmouthed my mother that pretty much damaged any chance of us having a relationship. How could I possibly love a woman who showed so much hatred for my mother. Now my stepmom loves to go on and on about how nice my mom is, and it just feels so fake. I am polite to my dad’s wife when I have to be around her, but avoid her at all costs. What angers me so much is she’ll call me “her daughter” and that I have 2 moms. If she was really a “mom” to me she would not have treated me the way she did. Dad’s wife explains our relationship best. There also was extreme favortism of her daughter who lived with her and my dad full time as opposed to me who only visited on weekends. Now my “stepmom” wants to be a big happy blended family, tells me that the word “step” is a dirty word, and lives in denial of the past and talks about what a fabulous stepmother she is and was. I have even gone to therapy over how awful it was. I am grown, on my own, and see my dad’s wife maybe 1 to 3 times a year despite living only 10 minutes from her and my dad. She’s the type of person i can only handle in very small doses.
If I ever do become a stepmother myself at least I know everything not to do.
i absolutely do not like my step-mom, she stole my dad from me right after they got married. i do not live with my dad, so whenever he comes over to visit with her, which is 3 to 4 times a year, she always steals him away and doesn’t let me hang out with him! she does not know how to be a mother, and has this spoiled bratty 17 year old son. she was married previously for 3 years. i bet her ex-husband called it quits because she is such a nag, and when she doesn’t get her way, she yells at my dad like a baby and doesn’t talk to him for a couple of days. she thinks its okay to show me her lingerie. she yelled at me for not cleaning up her dishes because she expected me to do them without ever asking, and never apologized. has never said sorry for ever yelling at mean when i have done nothing. plus, inside a family photo album she has pictures of her and her friends holding up penis lollipops and penis ring pops. she complains when my dad and her haven’t had a date in forever even though they have about four or five a week, and i have not even spent time with my dad by myself in about 5 months because of her. when i was having my birthday party i told her that i wanted to plan everything by myself and she promised she would let me do everything that i want, but ended up getting all this food i didn’t want and making it all about her at my party, and showed her wedding video at my party. so obviously, if she doesn’t have the spotlight on her, or doesn’t get anything she wants, she turns into this bitchy rude person. and she broke my camera that was about 100 dollars that i didn’t even have for a whole year, never said sorry, and didn’t even ask if i wanted a new one, and has never bought me a new one. she borrows my clothes without asking and messes them up too.
I’ve never written to one of these blogs so please bear with me. I’m over 40, and my widowed dad has formalized a domestic partnership with his girlfriend who is 20 years his junior. My mom died years ago, and I genuinely want my dad to be happy and not lonely. I’m an only child and have no other living relatives but my father. I had a good, stable childhood with two parents who loved me and no dysfunction to speak of. My mother was a really lovely person: smart, kind, and really caring about others.
My problem is that I am terribly concerned about my Dad’s choice of partner. She can be nice, but has (medicated) bipolar disorder and a seriously narcisstic streak. She always drank a lot, but is now mixing prescription drugs with alcohol. Due to her mental disorder, the more she drinks, the weirder she gets. The conversations just get uncomfortable and I’ve become more outspoken when she says things that are offensive to me (racist/homophobic comments, mean words about her family members, belittling comments about her domestic help). I can no longer hide my horror at some of her statements. Meantime, my dad seems to not notice.
Easter’s coming up and DH and I are seriously considering not getting together with them. I feel badly about it. Meantime I keep thinking how sad my mom would be. =(
Any advice or insight would be appreciated.
Hi
I’m a soon to be a stepmom. She is 18 and thinks she can do what she wants. Her dad has never given much disaplane in her life. He has raised her since the divorce 14 yrs ago. He mom has lots of issues and don’t give her daughter much loving. I have to two daughters of my on ages 14 and 16. My new soon to be step daughter is very jelous of my 16 yr. old. I have tried to talk with her and she does respond to me but you can feel the tention between us. I have talked with her father about this and all he says is its going to be ok everything will work out. I’m very scare it won’t. I really have a dislike for my stepdaughter and I think most of it comes from the fact that her dad won’t do anything about some issues. It’s like he is blind when it comes to her. His family has tried to talk to him and explain his daughter is out of control but he don’t see that. I’m really stressed and suggestion. I really love this man and he and my daughters get along great.
I am a stepmother to a 12 almost 13 year old stepdaughter. I have been in her life since she was 7 and her father and I have been married for 3 years this June. Since Christmas my step-daughter has been avoiding coming to our house. She didn’t even come and open her Christmas presents until 3 weeks after Christmas. Now she has sent a text stating that she never wants to come to our house and that we are not to text/call her ever again. When asked what brought this on, she told my husband that him and I were childish b/c he lectured her the last time she was with us (she lied to us and she got caught in the lie. She then sent my husband a email saying that I was the reason that she is not coming on her scheduled visitation anymore and that she never liked me and she was only pretending to like me all those years. My step-daughter and I always had a terrific relationship through the time her father and I were dating up until now. I feel as though her bio-mom has a lot to do with this, but not sure how to handle this right now. I have decided to step away from the situation and even offered to my husband that when she is there on the weekend that I will go and visit some friends so that he can still have the relationship with her. I don’t want to ruin the relationship that my husband had with his daughter and I don’t want this to ruin my husband and my marriage.
Hi Everyone,
I am a stepmom who is close to loosing her brains due to the confusion at home.To make a long story short,i met my husband some 12yrs ago.He told me he had a little girl from a previous relationship,i was fine with that,at the time she was two yrs old.I have never met her mother phisically,but ever since this woman realised there was another woman in my husbands life,she hasn’t stopped creating tension in our home.
We both moved to a different country but continued taking care entirely of the kid and her older sister (who will soon turn 18)till they joined us two years ago.My husband for some reasons had assumed paternity of the older sister when he met their mother for reasons best known to them.I doubt if she even knows he is not her boilogical faher.
Back home this woman will spend most of her day making ghost calls,if i happened to pick up the call she wouldnt say a word,if my husband picked the call then there would be a complain about the kid being seriosly sick,all sorts of drama.Since they came here,it’s been one issue to the other,now she cannot call to ask for money for school,hospital or food,what she does now is put the kids all the time against both of us especially me.
I think she is using the girls to revenge.For some reasons she does not want to accept the fact that he is married to another woman.When they got here they had a complete black image of him,they take everything we do for granted,they try to take stuff from us to send to their mother eg digital camera,She sents people to our home out of our knowledge.There’s this lady who popped in one day and accidentlly met my husband who was suppoded to be out of town.No phone call to inform us of her visit,nothing.She tells her kids i am the obtstacle.after this many years she still thinks that if i am out of the way,they might a reconciliation,given that her girls are now here.Betterstill because i dont have kids.
The 18yrs old doesn’t intend to look for a job,she claims she’s been dropping her C.V but no one has ever called her since last year.At the same time she is complaining she does not want to work,she wants to study.
They told their phsychologist at school that they are not happy and that they have issues to tell their father in private.They dont want my presence so they’ll rather have him come to school.
I am the one who’d spent most of the time with them since they came here,their father works out of town and sometimes for as long as six months,though he does visit.I have never seen such ingratitude.When they came here i pleaded with them not to get involved into and battle between their mother and their father and to try and to try and have fun as kids.At first it worked untill the started communicating constantly with their mother.
At home,it’s a scenario of a polygamous home,they seemed to have replaced their mother.No gift is ever good enough for the 18yrs old and sometimes for the the 14yrs.
My husband is doing everything to show them he is not a monster,and by doing so he does disrepect me sometimes just to be on their side.My husbands attitude towards me completely changes when ever we are all together.He talks to me in a hash tone,at times i might just ask what he’ll prefer for diner and either he snoops or he goes; anything,in an unfriendly manner.He has a double personality,When they are at school he is the polite and nice husband,when we are in our bedroom he is nice but once he knows they are around forget it.I am just so unhappy,i want to leave them as soon as possible.I am paying the price for this talk of war with his daughter’s mother.I am so fed up.He refuses to see that this whole thing is affecting me,if i complain,he says i am prying into something which does not concern me.He says what ever issues he’s having either with the woman or the kids is not my business.
Because there is always tention we berely have any intimate relationship.
Help plse.
I don’t know what to do anymore I have a 16 year old stepdaughter and going crazy I have been married a little over a year and 6months into our marriage stepdaughter’s mom didn’t want her anymore cause she was acting out and running away so we got her I have been trying to make it work with her for 10 months now but she is rude don’t listen to me unless her dad is around and will not help around house her room is a mess and it smells me and my husband have a 3 month old and I wont let her hold her or anything cause since I was pregnant she would refer to my baby as her baby me and my husband fight a lot and we used to never fight until she came along I am about to have a nervous breakdown I love my husband to death I just don’t know how to deal with his daughter oh yeah and he is not even on her birth certificate some other guy is and they never got a Dna test done so why cant the guy on it take her I just don’t know what to do I am about to go crazy she walks around the house like she is gods gift to the world help me before someone gets hurt or I go insane
thank you for this article. it really shed some light in the midst of challenges experienced in my family. I wish it could just be easy from the beginning of the relationship or during counseling for a proper foundation to be laid in terms of step parenting.
This article has helped a lot as Im even thinking that my husband does not want to spoil his relationship with his daughter, and sometimes I see her manipulation. She cannot stand seeing us cuddling, at 19. Is this bad for me to expect this? I know she loves her father, but what about me, as a new wife? How do we build our relationship?
Tonight, I hate being a step mum. I have 3 step kids, 2 boys in addition to my own son and 1manipulative teenage girl whose own mum died 4 years ago today. she is lazy, caniving & a liar. My husband tries to be the best father he can be, but still doesn’t see the games she is playing. He is wonderful supportive & understanding. I only wish that other people in our lives realized just what a difficult job being a “full time” stepmum is!
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