The Stepmom Stepdaughter Relationship
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Stepmom’s and Stepdaughter’s Relationship – Can it be as dynamic as it could be?
Almost nineteen years into a stepmom stepdaughter relationship, I well know that this can be one of the touchiest – and potentially most difficult – relationships in the stepfamily.
In our stepmom stepdaughter relationship, we found our way through to acceptance and appreciation of one another, but it was a pretty circuitous route, and it was fraught with a number of mis-steps.
In Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin reports that to complicate matters, many books on stepmothering give bad advice that perpetuate two destructive myths: the myth of the blended family and the myth of the maternal stepmother. She summarizes this advice:
- Remember that his kids will always come first
- Leave the disciplining to him
- You will regret it forever if you lose your temper or say something nasty to your stepchildren, so whatever you do, don’t
- With patience and love, they will come around.
The truth is, after a divorce, the daughter often has her dad “all to herself” when they are together, and their lifestyle can often be dominated by her needs and desires. The daughter learns well how to get what she wants from dad, and the guilt he feels about the divorce often fuels his tendency to give, give, give and expect little in return.
It is often not a balanced relationship with regard to healthy parent-child relations, and she may not be getting the discipline and structure that are needed. The same complication can easily set in with mothers and sons, as well as dads and sons but this article is about the stepmom stepdaughter relationship.
How to successfully improve stepmom’s and stepdaughter’s relationship
Enter the stepmom, into an icy atmosphere of “daddy belongs to me; I don’t want to share him!” If the daughter’s father follows the first piece of advice “my kids will always come first”, then the stepmom stepdaughter relationship will be frozen, unable to flower, and the stepcouple will be beholden to the daughter’s approval every step of the way.
This will drive a wedge between the couple, and if allowed to build, another breakup is on the horizon. Certainly, the daughter’s needs are important, and her feeling of grief over losing her primacy in her dad’s life needs to be acknowledged.
But if her father does not in some way let his daughter know that, as special as she is to him, he is committed to his partnership, then the daughter has an unbalanced level of power in the family that will have a negative outcome for her in the long run, and for the family.
The second piece of advice, leave the disciplining to him, can also create tremendous havoc in the stepmom stepdaughter department. Commonly, in the household after divorce, the dad working to make ends meet, managing a household without help, going through his own pain after the divorce, and trying to be both dad and mom, has understandably put structuring the home life pretty far down on his priority list.
Expecting good manners, getting the family at the table together for nutritious meals, rules about homework, TV etc. might have escaped him as he tried to juggle single parenthood.
The dad’s awareness, on some level, of the need for structure in the home may well have been part of the drive to remarry to find a helpmate. And so he brings in a woman and expects her to structure the household at least traditionally, that’s part of what a wife does, isn’t it?
But how can it be done without her having any authority? If all the discipline is left to him, then the stepmom is completely stifled, with no power to do what it takes to make the household run well. If she does take over without his blessing, she becomes the wicked stepmother.
And, how is she to act when the stepdaughter misbehaves and her dad is not around? This puts her in an impossible situation. A plan for compassionate and effective discipline, developed by the stepcouple, and a gradual handover of authority to the stepmom must be done, and must be done by the dad. Then the stepmom stepdaughter relationship can take hold in a way that puts the adult-child relationship in an appropriate power position.
“You’re not my mother!” What stepmom has not heard that? It happens to be the truth. There’s nothing to take personally here. The calm response, “No, I’m not, and I’m not trying to be your mother. But in this house, we have a rule that TV watching comes after homework and baths” or whatever the rule may be. As long as she knows she’s gbacked up by her husband or partner, this will diffuse a negative cycle in the stepmom stepdaughter relationship.
It’s true that as a stepmom, you will sometimes say things that you will regret afterwards. But the last thing you want to do is hold in all your anger, resentment and frustration with no place for it to go. It will come out, and come out it will, either in your relationship with your partner, in your health and well-being, or in your stepmom stepdaughter relationship as well.
Feelings buried alive never die. It’s very important for you to find a release for your feelings, and to work through the issues involved – through counseling, through a course LINK, or a forum. It might be best to work through them to some degree before unloading on your partner, as it can be pretty hard for a dad to see his daughter objectively.
If the two of you have made an effort to understand what it takes to make a successful stepfamily, you will be better equipped to work through these feelings successfully together.
The last piece of advice, with patience and love they will come around, describes a successful outcome of the stepmom stepdaughter relationship – but not all stories end happily ever after. It is more likely to be the result if you have taken the steps to strengthen your own partnership, learned to listen to your stepdaughter’s feelings without becoming defensive, and expressed your own feelings constructively.
And it’s more likely to happen if you have forged a relationship with her by spending enjoyable time together, gotten to know and appreciate her, do for her in a balanced way, and been encouraging to her in her own unique strengths.
It was not until I sat side by side with my stepdaughter, encouraging her in the long process of applying to colleges and scholarships that I felt our relationship, truly flourish – finally, I was able to appreciate her for who she was – and this role (which I was best suited for among her three parents) had the effect of opening my heart to her.
Does it sound like a tall order to put all this into your relationship with your stepdaughter, with no guarantee of success? It is, and there’s no compulsion to do it this way; what works for you and your stepfamily will be your own creation.
The two of you may be more comfortable with a more distant yet respectful relationship – and that can be harmonious as well. The stepmother stepdaughter relationship, when successful, is one that will provide you with much joy and satisfaction and will nurture your relationship with your partner as well.
To get some help in understanding the role of stepmom with her stepdaughter, see the online course offered by StepmomSOS.
(11 votes, average: 3.27 out of 5)
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BIG DISCLAIMER: I MEANT TO GIVE THIS ARTICLE 5 STARS AND INADVERTENTLY PRESSED SOMETHING AND IT STOPPED AT 1 AND WON’T LET ME TAKE BACK….HATE STUFF LIKE THAT.
So, in this 5 star rated piece, I agree wholeheartedly and this is a wonderful relief for so many stepmothers to feel. For many, despite all their good efforts, nothing ever does change and I think it’s important that stepmothers can accept this and move on in their lives without their stepchildren’s love or approval. How horrible it would be if many of us spent our lives waiting for that!
When I’m working with women married to men with children, we focus on strengthening the marriage. The children are the first responsibility but the marriage is the top priority. It’s an important distinction.
Being a “stepmother” to a teenage daughter is fraught with complexities. I have a 16 year old stepdaughter. Her parents have very different rules for her than I did with my daughters at that age. The best policy is to keep my mouth shut…after all she is not my child. I focus more on my wonderful relationship with my husband and don’t get all caught up in whatever it is my stepdaughter is thinking about me. Quite frankly, at her age, I would think it’s barely any time at all, if any!
Excellent advice here and again, 5 stars!
Gina,
I’m so sorry to hear how much you have been through, and I’m wondering if you’re on your own, now that you are 22. You have much pain to work through, and I suggest that if at all possible you get some therapy, or at least some kind of support group to help you with it. It does seem at this point that you would be protecting yourself best by getting out on your own, so that you can begin your recovery. As for your dad, keep a relationship with him the best you can. Have a heart-to-heart with him when you are calm, and in neutral location. You need some distance from your stepmom until she decides she is ready to work on the grief that she is taking out on you.
I have finally found an article that both acknowledges the hardships of stepmotherhood, and also gives realistic and insightful advice! I have been a stepmother for three years, but it hasn’t been easy. On the one hand, the “real mom” of my daughter is not exactly an ideal mother, which made it pretty easy to win some of her affection. But on the other hand, I do believe that my daughter will always have emotional scars from a lack of intimacy with her biological mother. My daughter calls me mom, and I call her daughter, but I know our relationship isn’t quite whole. The birth of my own daughter eighteen months ago dramatically impacted me in a way I never anticipated: I had to come to terms with the fact that I didn’t love my stepdaughter with my whole heart, and that I may never truly love her as my own.
I feel enormous guilt over this everyday. I find it much more difficult to accept my stepdaughter for who she is, partly because I don’t really like her personality. I find her more annoying than endearing most of the time. I have to be very careful not to let my feelings get in the way of our relationship. It’s not easy. It’s like I chose the worst roommate ever, and I know I will have to live with her for ten more years! She is a good girl, though, and we have both come a long way together.
My husband did the exact thing mentioned in the article above. That is a hot mess to sort out, especially if the girl is also temperamental like mine. The only advise I can give is to pray… A lot. And talk to your husband about the way you feel. Your husband should appreciate the difficulty of the situation. I have found that my husband can give sound insight into the way I behave toward my daughter. Sometimes it’s not easy to hear that you are being an overbearing tyrant, but sometimes it’s the truth.
Thank you for sharing honestly about the extremely complicated interactions that occur between stepdaughters and stepmoms. I hope you let yourself off the hook for feeling guilty. For what? Being human? You have done and are doing the best you can, and I daresay if you decide to accept “what is” rather than expect an ideal that just isn’t so, you can relax and enjoy the relationship with your stepdaughter more and more. One other thing: it might be a good idea to take some care in how much you share with your husband about how you feel. He’s got the biological loyalty to his daughter that he can’t extricate from (just like you do with your own baby now), and he can’t be as objective as you might need. So use good friends as sounding boards, and be more positive than negative with your husband about the situation.. A little “biting of the tongue” can go a long way to keeping peace in the home. All the best to you, and I acknowledge you for your openness to honest feedback from your husband!
I was so pleased to finally see an article that is much more accurate and open about creating a step-family, in our family as a step-mum I am a third parent and it was so reassuring to read someone else putting it that way to rather than the ‘like an auntie’ nonsense we get told – you can be a parent – and a very good parent too – without needing to be Mum or Dad, I’m very proud to be Step-Mum (a third parent!).
I have a 12 year old stepdaughter and a 10 year old stepson. There real mother has to many issues to note! She calls me for help on her visitation. She only has them 3 weekends a month. I am school mom activity mom homework mom and all their needs mom. She is disney land Mom. I am trerated like a cook and caregiver. She has all their love. I am not dealing well. I love their father to much to leave. But am wearing thin!! So frustated!
My husband and I have tried with his 2 daughters for 12 years, they are now grown and are worse than ever. We have recently said that we will engage in a more distant relationship with the one due to continued issues.
I am a stepmom of 6 kids. The older 3 girls are grown and have never lived with us and I don’t have any relationship with them other than acquaintance. My husbands other 3 kids live with us full time and I have a teen aged step daughter and a pre-teen step daughter. so far my relationship with them has been ok and not really strained, but they are still young. I have realized recently that I’m doing way too much for them though and need to leave it up to dad and mom…if they need shorts, etc…the past 6 years I have been the main caregiver of the kids and provider. I am burnt out and I get wounded when the do get sassy with me. They generally always though want a hug and kiss before bedtime…which is really nice. They have pretty much called me mama not mom since they have a mom even though she’s a train wreck and unstable. Best to everyone out there…it’s a tough road to travel.
Hi, I really believe this is very interesting. Much Appreciated,
My husband and i have been married for just a little over one year. He has a 12 year old daughter from his previous marriage. Since we got married my Husban’s family have never accept me and until now we dont share any family time with his side of the family. His daughter is very close to his mother who absolutely hates me. His daughter and i have not been close at all and that is primarily my fault. I dont know what it is that makes me feel bothered when she stays with us. I dont know if its jelousy, the fact that she is so close to his mother, or the fact that i feel pressured by my husband for me to improve my relationship with his daughter. I love my husband so much and i really want to make it work but i really dont know how to make things better with my step daughter. I always mentally prepare when she is coming to stay with us and say to myself that i will make an effort to go talk to her, but somehow as soon as i see her or hear her coming in to the house it is soo difficult to do as i planned. I easily get annoyed by her when she asks questions about anything. Her lifestyle at her mothers and grandmothers is so diferrent to mine and how i would want to raise my own children. I have openly spoken to my husband about my feelings towards his daughter and everytime we discuss it we end up arguing and not talking for a few days. I do tell him that he needs to think about what he wants to do if i am not able to build that relationship with his daughter. He tells me that it is not fair and he says that if he is worth it then i need to make every effot to make it work; and he is worth it but i honestly do not know how to fix it. Please help!
I dealt with my husband’s daughter for eight or more years. We have been married for four years now and although she was an adult when we started dating, things have only gotten worse over the years. The relationship I have with her was determined by her mother and has been driven by my step-daughter’s lack of character and her inability to care about anyone else but herself. Over the years I have done everything I can to both help out and stay out of the way. At this point in my life, I feel there is absolutely no way to fix this situation. I have gone out of my way to avoid doing anything that can be criticized. There isn’t one instance where she has anything to say about my behavior, but because her mom is a nasty human being, a gold-digger, and insecure, this daughter has been damaged beyond my ability to influence. If you haven’t experienced the trama of step parenting, you are lucky. This is a third marriage for me and I have positive relationships with two previous step children, so I know it isn’t me who is the problem. The really sad part of the situation is that this girl doesn’t realize how her mom has used dislike of me as well as insecurity to damage her daughter’s relationship with her own father. I would like to assure step parents out there that there are some situations that will never change for the better and that you might as well give up and step back. Continue to be the good person you know you are and leave the rest to God. Try to salvage your relationship with your spouse and just give it up.
I had to write to this comment by confused stepmother since I have made mistakes in the area of my husband. Don’t ever forget that your husbands loyalties are with his daughter. He will not understand why you don’t see his daughter the same way he does, Perfect in every since of the way. To him she is the perfect baby he saw the day she was born and is not at fault for what she does. I too do not like my stepdaughter and have found it hard to deal with her. My husbands first wife die from cancer when his kids were five and eight. My husband did a great job taking care of them for five years before we were married. I lived across the street and was friends with him and his whole family before his kids were born. We did not date till his oldest was twelve. The twins and I got along fine after our marriage but the oldest one (who was the acting mother after her mothers death)and I had problem from the beginning. She is very good at manipulation of her father. She says what her father wants to hear and makes me out to be the bad guy in all situations. I had hoped when she went to college (at my suggestions she moved on campus) things would get better for my relationship with her father. I had hope that he would see for hisself what she was about, but to no advail. This have gotten so bad that I am not sure that our marriage will make it through this mess. The point that I want to make here is that I went to my husband for All issues about his daughters and it backfired on me big time. If I had a do over I would handle things with my oldest stepdaughte myself. I would not look for my husband to handle her. The reason I say this is because he has an unrealistic view of his daughter and the crap she does, example: This last incident my end my marriage, I had planned a mother daughters day (I have five daughters with his and mine) to make goodies for xmas presents. Jessie who is eighteen (no drivers license) wanted to go to her boyfriends half way through the day. I said ok and the other four girls and I continued our cooking. When her dad picked her up from her boyfriends it was late and I was already in bed. When my husband came to our room paceing I found out that she refused to come into the house. When I finialy got up to find out what was up it went from bad to worse and to make a long story short in the past six months my relationship with my husband has become unbearable. The only thing I regreat is instead of handeling my stepdaughter like I do my own (by confronting their behavior) I went to her father for dicipline and clearity. I believe that I should of handled her behavior myself (ofcourse after exsplaining the situation to her dad). I believe that she would not have been able to wedge between her dad and I) I am in a pickle now and not sure how we will survive. Jessie has gotten everything she wanted to live with her boyfriend by making me the scapegoat. So my advice no matter what you feel about your stepdaughter do not go to the dad and exspect his to back you up. Let his know about the bad behavior in a nonconfrontational manner and try to take your feeling out of it and then let his know what YOUR plan of dicipline is and follow through with it. Kids need boundries and sometimes fathers can not see what their daughters are capable of and pointing out her flaws to his will only hurt your marriage. Handle your stepdaughters as you would your own and don’t get hung up on how you feel about them. You will probably never love her as your own and that is very human and should not be exspected too.
For 8 years I have been putting up with two nasty, immature, selfish, now adult women as “step-daughters.” I want nothing to do with either one now and when they call, I immediately give the phone to my husband. There can be no relationship when one isn’t really wanted and I have quit trying. I now have to figure out how to keep them out of my life for good.
Hi everyone,
I appreciate all of the posts here and agree with quite a few things that have been mentioned, however, I want to share the perspective of the stepdaughter in such situations. I am currently in my late 20s and have no children of my own. I was an only child when my parents divorced when I was five and almost immediately it seemed like they were both in new relationships. My Dad met a much younger woman with a son my age. My relationship with my stepmother was one that has gone on to impact me more than any other relationship in my life…unfortunately for the negative. Some of you mention that you have personally experienced the difference in love between your own child and a stepchild. As an adult now, that dynamic makes sense, however, when you are a young child and that fact is bright as day with actions and words it’s devastating to a self esteem. I had to grow up with my step brother “the golden child” while I was scrutinized for everything. Granted I wasn’t perfect, however, talking back was never tolerated in the house due to my father’s strict limit on respect and therefore didn’t happen, ever. My brother and I were both on honor roll, both did well at sports but I always felt like a second class citizen and looking back I honestly feel it is because she couldn’t handle my Dad having another “girl” in his life. I’m his daughter, there was no need for competition. I think an important thing to take away is to always remember who the adult is and who is the child. Even as teenagers the human mind isn’t fully matured to think as rationally as an adult it heir early 20s and women are often entering into the situation with a new love, an exciting time whereas for the child their world as they know it has been flipped around, family changed without all the tools and skills to properly work through it.
On the flip side, my stepfather entered into my life at the same time with no other children. He has been with mom for over 20 years with two boys of their own. We had a few rough patches here and there, but I have always gotten the feeling he loves me and wants the best for me. I feel incredibly lucky today to have grown up with two great Dads. His key was staying out of the discipline at the beginning, giving me time to adjust and always treating me with respect and a sense that his life was fuller somehow with me in it by his words and actions. That, has made all the difference.
Thanks
Awesome perspective – thanks so much for sharing!
Hi Devil’s Advocate
You make a great point about the difficulties of being a child with a step parent and I can understand how hard it must be, but have you thought about your negative relationship with your step mom being a two way street? Yes she may have favored her own son, but your father probably favored you… And if they both favored the son than why is she the only one to blame? Doesn’t your father have a role in that dynamic? I have two step kids and none of my own and I can say first hand that being a step mom can be a very thankless role. I spend a lot of time, money, and care on those kids and many times the youngest seems to wish I wasn’t around even though I try my best to make both her and her older brother happy. She is very attention hungry for father’s attention and I sometimes feel like she views me as a threat, not the other way around… I have talked to friends and family about the situation and many agree that she does seem to want all of her father’s attention and doesn’t like sharing him with me or her brother. I know she is just a young child so I don’t say much to her or her father about this, but the vision of the step mother as being “evil” is a complete laugh to me! It’s the hardest and most thankless job you can have! You are expected to love and nurture children that are not your own and have no loyalty to you whatsoever. That chose their biological parents over you every time even though you do just as much for them (if not more) than either of their parents. Just thought I would try to put it in perspective for you as you have put your perspective out there as well.
Hi everyone,
After many years I found Mr. Right. We started as friends. We both were living and ending dead-end marriages. We would talk openly about our problems. We did not have any affair. I left my husband and I later went overseas for a job contract for 6 months. During that time his marriage ended – nasty. A bitter fight with his wife and the 24 year old daughter calling the police. Then he was restrained and found himself his own place. When I found out about his turmoil, I called him to see how he was doing. He went from a big house to a little shack apartment.
I never let him get too close to me. I knew he did have a crush, but I never wanted to have him rebound. I wasn’t ready for any relationship. But…when I came back from my contract – I was alone and thought since he was, then why not give it a try. I have to say in some ways it was the best and the worst situation I ever got into.
It is going on 3 years and after his bitter divorce we are both ajdusting to being together. We do plan to marry, but a lot of things are complicated. At least we have made one committment – we bought a house together and are enjoying working on making it home.
The problem is the daughter. She is now 27 and probably remembers me as the friend he introduced me as years ago. She coincindently saw her father and I driving on route to camping. With windows rolled down in hopes of saying hi… she turned pale and called me a “Bitch and a Homewrecker”. Of course,she lives with the mother, who after the house sold moved in with the son(now 28)- in his home.
Because of the divorce and finalizing the finances, both kids seemed to alienate the father. The daughter, after meeting me that day, really gave the silent treatment to her dad. Plus she really felt to blame for calling the police that made her dad leave. The son I think just stayed neutral. He did not call as often and did not meet his dad until well into the 2nd year. Bit by bit the son seems to have accepted the situation and me (at least in the acquaintance sense). He will carry on conversations and makes me feel comfortable. I don’t have any worries with him.
The daughter will not budge. She has started to talk to her dad again, but is stubborn in meeting me in a normal sense. She doesn’t go to family functions where she thinks I may be. She understands that her dad and I did not have an affair, but she thinks I should have stood back and let her parents try to reconcile.
My partner has stated to his daughter that I exist and that I will not be excluded from things or events just to suit her. I am glad that he is steadfast – yet I still toil over the fact that they have very limited physical association. A phone call, a text and that is it. He says he will not force her.
As for me. I can’t stand that she refuses to accept me. I have shared my turmoil with my partner, but he sees me as pushy. I fret over leaving my home to go visit my family because I am worried my partner would allow his daughter to come over – when I am not there. I worry about this sneaking around. I have shared my concern on that, but I just get the “paranoid” comment. …Maybe I am!
I did manage to get some strength to send a card to his daughter saying that she is in our hearts and thoughts and that she is welcome anytime at our home. I also said I would like the opportunity to get to know her. I gave my email and telephone number. I gave a few pictures of her dad (none of me). I sent the card opposite to what I felt – really I would like to scream at her for foresaking time with her dad and calling me a Bitch – when I am not! Hell, I lost my dad last year and through a similar situation with my parents – I wish I spent more time with my dad, not just short visits, odd phonecalls or the last 10 days in the hospital. My conscience is paying for blaming my dad for my life. Hers will too.
I came here looking for answers today. The article is spot on. My biggest problem with my step children is their mom. She divorced their Dad three years before I met him and I had one child of my own. We had two more kids together, so we have five altogether.
I met my husband when his kids were 11 and 7. My son was five. At first things were ok. His daughter was the 7 yr old and she got along ok with my son, so it worked out initially. As soon as the mom found out dad was in a serious relationship is when the trouble started. First she sent her 11 yr old son up to live with us. I firmly believe she did this to try to break us up. It didn’t work. Then we ended up with custody of his daughter about two years later. She had been in 8 different schools before she was in 5th grade. My husband won custody of her in a nasty court battle trying to give her some stability.
His ex vowed that she would make the kids hate him. Instead she directed her manipulation and anger towards me. The kids want to have a normal relationship with me, I can tell, but it is difficult for them because she makes them feel guilty. My stepson is older now and just got married. The situation with him as not as bad as it has been at some points, but my relationship with my step daughter has deteriorated to the point where I am ready to cut her off. There was an event that occurred over the weekend that has illustrated to me quite clearly how little she cares about me and my other children.
I am looking for ways to “divorce” myself from my step children without divorcing myself from their father. I just cannot stand their mother in my life another minute and if it means that I have to sacrifice my relationship with them, so be it. Any suggestions on how to go about doing this?
Our blended family of 6 (His – oldest daughter, middle son, youngest daughter Mine Oldest son, younger two twin sons) was doing okay – not great but in the process of blending over the first 3 years until his ex (who had left the family and moved away when the youngest was 9)moved back and re-entered the oldest daughter’s life because she was jobless and homeless. She (the ex) succeeded in regaining her daughter’s sympathy (and ultimately that of the other two)by totally fabricating a tale that my husband and I had been seeing each other before she left town…blah blah blah…so I became the bad guy. I didn’t even meet him until after we were divorced! Anyway, it has caused him great pain because on Christmas 2007 the two girls ‘ambushed’ us at his mother’s house in front of the whole family accusing me of ‘doing evil things to their family’. My husband is wonderful and has supported me completely because of course he knows the truth and he recognizes who is the source of this ridiculous story…we never thought it would now be almost 4 years later and neither of the daughters will have anything to do with us as long as he and I are together.
I grew up with a wonderful stepmother…she is now 81 and still close to me even though my father passed away many years ago…I know it doesn’t have to be like this and I always feel so responsible as my husband has now never seen his grandson who is 2 1/2.
I am at the end of my rope. My 15 year old step daughter is going to cause me to divorce or separate from my husband. I can no longer deal with her, her attitude, her cockiness, her fresh mouth, and do what I want attitude. My husband never disciplines her NEVER. I do and look like the evil witch. My 17 year old daughter hates the way she acts also so does my husband (her father) at times. I made so many sacrifices for her the first three years and altered my life the next two years and I cant spend the next three years bending my life for her anymore.
I have never seen a child act the way she does. She tries to boss my husband around, manipulates my husband, and acts in such an inappropriate manner; always talking about her breast and butt! She thinks she is sexy at 15. I tried to explain to her that there is nothing sexy about a 15 year old little girl.
Her mother died earlier this year. They were estranged for almost 2 years prior to her death. Her own mother said she is rude and disrespectful.
Singed,
End of my rope!
It seems to me that there can be nothing more difficult than a 15-yr old daughter – except for a 15-year old stepdaughter! I was ready to tear my hair out at that stage. Just wanted to let you know that she is now a delightful 25-yr old, and we have a wonderful relationship. So there is hope! It definitely seems to me that you and your husband need to get on the same page if this is to work, and that her behavior and her issues regarding her mom’s death need to be addressed. Please let me know if you would like a 1-1 session… I hope you don’t throw in the towel in this admittedly very difficult stage!
I’m 21 years old. I have a very tight relationship with my mother, and it kills me everytime I have to have decisions made by stepmother because my father never does anything without her ok. I get that they are married, and I respect that they need to make decisions together, but what I don’t respect is them making decisions, especially her, with my mother not even being in on it. Also, I was the girl who lived with my father after the divorce, but I did it because I didn’t want him to be alone, not because I could manipulate him. Once we moved in with my stepmother my father and I fought everyday and to this day I feel like I am not good enough anymore because he has her. I also feel like I can never trust her with secrets or be normal around her because the fact remains, she is my fathers wife first, and it’s only with my own mother that my brother and I will come first. To my father, and I understand this, she will always come first
Hi. I’ve been married for four years now and have struggle with my life as a step mom. My husband and I got married when I was 21 years old and his daughter was 15 years old that time. Now I’m 25 and she’s 18 but she still is cold to me. I know that I am way too young for my husband but I do believe that age doesn’t matter if u really love eAch other. His daughter is very spoiled, she wants everything on her way. She never help in the household chores and everything from her laundry to dishes- is done by her father. And so, when I came in to the family I had to tackle all those responsibilities since my husband is working and I am a housewife and soon to be a house mom. She always brought friends over and eat but the thing that I dont like is they don’t clean up their mess and so I talked to my husband about it that she is old enough to have a chore in the house and my husband agreed and talked to his daughter but his daughter cried and said “you don’t love me anymore!”.
This problem has been going on for years now and I am sick of it. My husband do give her advice about our situation but he just can’t take it when his daughter starts crying for no reason. Everytime he talks to her, his daughter is always right for him.
Year ago we moved to another city and his daughter didnt come with us since she doesnt wanna leave friends from our town. But our relationship became worst since she starts texting me that she’s gonna find a way to break us up. She always told me that I stole her dad from her. If only I don’t have a baby from my husband right now, no matter how much I love him I would’ve probably left him already since I am not happy with my life anymore. I am stressed out and haven’t laughed in a long time. Please advice me what to do. Thanks
Lonely_roses
Hello I am a mother of two boy and a girl. I started dating after the birth of my daughter. Their father and I did not work out, lets just put it that way. I meet my husband when my daughter was a just 4 months. He has a daughter as well whoes mother died in a car accident when she was only 5 months old. He and i dated for over a year before we decided to move in together. After moving in together is when I started to realize that I cannont stand his daughter! I care for her well being but would much rather her not be around. She was 3 at the time, I thought maybe it was her age and she would grow out of it but she is 5, her father and I are married,and my feelings toward her seems to be getting worse.. I feel so guilty for my feelings and wonder why I feel this way. My kids are my pride and joy and my husband seems to love them jus as he loves his own. It jus comes so natural to him. I feel so annoyed by her, I geel like she is sneaky and I feel like theres nothimg I can do to change it. My husband and I have had talks about how I am harder on her than the other two and I have been trying to be more conscience of my actions. I also feel like she tries me. Like she does things behind my back right after I ask her not to! Im not sure what to do if anything. I love my husband and have no plans on leaving him but I do not want to carry these feelings on nor do I want her to hate me when she gets older. Im the only mom she has and I really want to be the best. Please give me some advice…
Don’t feel bad, it can happen. Sometimes we expect to have the same love for our stepchildren as we do for our biological children, and it is generally not possible. My guess is your feeling badly about this has compounded into a negative spiral, which CAN be reversed. Email me on the “contact” tab, and I’ll do a free 15 minute consult with you about this.
I know how you all feel! I have been with my husband for almost 10 years now! He has a daughter who was 5 1/2 when we met, and was so damaged then by a drug/alchohol addicted mother who abused her. My step daughter was sassy and rude then, and my husband promised me it would get better- that she needed time. She is about to turn 15 and it has only gotten worse. She is the most self-centered, sassy, pessimistic person I’ve ever known. We have beent he best parents that we could be for her, and she treats us like crap and then goes to her mother and grandparents and talks trash about us. If she doesnt get her way, she makes our lived miserable- especially mine cause I’m at at-home mom and he goes to work. She doesnt listen, she doesnt do any chores, and when she is asked to all she does is complain and whine. Her real mother abused her from when she was 2 all the way to 12 (it was a long court battle but we finally got her out of there). Her loyalty to her crazy mother is so strong, but she defects how her mother is on us and she takes out all of her anger towards her mother, on me. My husband and I have two children together now (6 1/2 and 3)and I have always treated ALL THREE of them the same. My step daughter treats our 6 year old daughter like crap, barely acknowledges shes here, and then babies our 3 year old son, showing him so much love and kisses, but then turns on all of us. She is making me absolutely miserable. I hate my life with her in it, but I dont want to leave my husband. She has no respect for me, and little for anyone else in her life. Words can not express how crappy I feel because of her. I even had to start taking anti-anxiety meds because of her. I just cant deal with her any longer. What am I supposed to do???
HELP!
I am a stepmother of 28 years. My husband has two grown children…I get along fine with my stepson, but have had to give up on my stepdaughter. I tried so hard. It has been heartbreaking, but I have found I can still be happy.
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