The Stepmom Stepdaughter Relationship
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Stepmom’s and Stepdaughter’s Relationship – Can it be as dynamic as it could be?
Almost nineteen years into a stepmom stepdaughter relationship, I well know that this can be one of the touchiest – and potentially most difficult – relationships in the stepfamily.
In our stepmom stepdaughter relationship, we found our way through to acceptance and appreciation of one another, but it was a pretty circuitous route, and it was fraught with a number of mis-steps.
In Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin reports that to complicate matters, many books on stepmothering give bad advice that perpetuate two destructive myths: the myth of the blended family and the myth of the maternal stepmother. She summarizes this advice:
- Remember that his kids will always come first
- Leave the disciplining to him
- You will regret it forever if you lose your temper or say something nasty to your stepchildren, so whatever you do, don’t
- With patience and love, they will come around.
The truth is, after a divorce, the daughter often has her dad “all to herself” when they are together, and their lifestyle can often be dominated by her needs and desires. The daughter learns well how to get what she wants from dad, and the guilt he feels about the divorce often fuels his tendency to give, give, give and expect little in return.
It is often not a balanced relationship with regard to healthy parent-child relations, and she may not be getting the discipline and structure that are needed. The same complication can easily set in with mothers and sons, as well as dads and sons but this article is about the stepmom stepdaughter relationship.
How to successfully improve stepmom’s and stepdaughter’s relationship
Enter the stepmom, into an icy atmosphere of “daddy belongs to me; I don’t want to share him!” If the daughter’s father follows the first piece of advice “my kids will always come first”, then the stepmom stepdaughter relationship will be frozen, unable to flower, and the stepcouple will be beholden to the daughter’s approval every step of the way.
This will drive a wedge between the couple, and if allowed to build, another breakup is on the horizon. Certainly, the daughter’s needs are important, and her feeling of grief over losing her primacy in her dad’s life needs to be acknowledged.
But if her father does not in some way let his daughter know that, as special as she is to him, he is committed to his partnership, then the daughter has an unbalanced level of power in the family that will have a negative outcome for her in the long run, and for the family.
The second piece of advice, leave the disciplining to him, can also create tremendous havoc in the stepmom stepdaughter department. Commonly, in the household after divorce, the dad working to make ends meet, managing a household without help, going through his own pain after the divorce, and trying to be both dad and mom, has understandably put structuring the home life pretty far down on his priority list.
Expecting good manners, getting the family at the table together for nutritious meals, rules about homework, TV etc. might have escaped him as he tried to juggle single parenthood.
The dad’s awareness, on some level, of the need for structure in the home may well have been part of the drive to remarry to find a helpmate. And so he brings in a woman and expects her to structure the household at least traditionally, that’s part of what a wife does, isn’t it?
But how can it be done without her having any authority? If all the discipline is left to him, then the stepmom is completely stifled, with no power to do what it takes to make the household run well. If she does take over without his blessing, she becomes the wicked stepmother.
And, how is she to act when the stepdaughter misbehaves and her dad is not around? This puts her in an impossible situation. A plan for compassionate and effective discipline, developed by the stepcouple, and a gradual handover of authority to the stepmom must be done, and must be done by the dad. Then the stepmom stepdaughter relationship can take hold in a way that puts the adult-child relationship in an appropriate power position.
“You’re not my mother!” What stepmom has not heard that? It happens to be the truth. There’s nothing to take personally here. The calm response, “No, I’m not, and I’m not trying to be your mother. But in this house, we have a rule that TV watching comes after homework and baths” or whatever the rule may be. As long as she knows she’s gbacked up by her husband or partner, this will diffuse a negative cycle in the stepmom stepdaughter relationship.
It’s true that as a stepmom, you will sometimes say things that you will regret afterwards. But the last thing you want to do is hold in all your anger, resentment and frustration with no place for it to go. It will come out, and come out it will, either in your relationship with your partner, in your health and well-being, or in your stepmom stepdaughter relationship as well.
Feelings buried alive never die. It’s very important for you to find a release for your feelings, and to work through the issues involved – through counseling, through a course LINK, or a forum. It might be best to work through them to some degree before unloading on your partner, as it can be pretty hard for a dad to see his daughter objectively.
If the two of you have made an effort to understand what it takes to make a successful stepfamily, you will be better equipped to work through these feelings successfully together.
The last piece of advice, with patience and love they will come around, describes a successful outcome of the stepmom stepdaughter relationship – but not all stories end happily ever after. It is more likely to be the result if you have taken the steps to strengthen your own partnership, learned to listen to your stepdaughter’s feelings without becoming defensive, and expressed your own feelings constructively.
And it’s more likely to happen if you have forged a relationship with her by spending enjoyable time together, gotten to know and appreciate her, do for her in a balanced way, and been encouraging to her in her own unique strengths.
It was not until I sat side by side with my stepdaughter, encouraging her in the long process of applying to colleges and scholarships that I felt our relationship, truly flourish – finally, I was able to appreciate her for who she was – and this role (which I was best suited for among her three parents) had the effect of opening my heart to her.
Does it sound like a tall order to put all this into your relationship with your stepdaughter, with no guarantee of success? It is, and there’s no compulsion to do it this way; what works for you and your stepfamily will be your own creation.
The two of you may be more comfortable with a more distant yet respectful relationship – and that can be harmonious as well. The stepmother stepdaughter relationship, when successful, is one that will provide you with much joy and satisfaction and will nurture your relationship with your partner as well.
To get some help in understanding the role of stepmom with her stepdaughter, see the online course offered by StepmomSOS.
(24 votes, average: 3.46 out of 5)
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BIG DISCLAIMER: I MEANT TO GIVE THIS ARTICLE 5 STARS AND INADVERTENTLY PRESSED SOMETHING AND IT STOPPED AT 1 AND WON’T LET ME TAKE BACK….HATE STUFF LIKE THAT.
So, in this 5 star rated piece, I agree wholeheartedly and this is a wonderful relief for so many stepmothers to feel. For many, despite all their good efforts, nothing ever does change and I think it’s important that stepmothers can accept this and move on in their lives without their stepchildren’s love or approval. How horrible it would be if many of us spent our lives waiting for that!
When I’m working with women married to men with children, we focus on strengthening the marriage. The children are the first responsibility but the marriage is the top priority. It’s an important distinction.
Being a “stepmother” to a teenage daughter is fraught with complexities. I have a 16 year old stepdaughter. Her parents have very different rules for her than I did with my daughters at that age. The best policy is to keep my mouth shut…after all she is not my child. I focus more on my wonderful relationship with my husband and don’t get all caught up in whatever it is my stepdaughter is thinking about me. Quite frankly, at her age, I would think it’s barely any time at all, if any!
Excellent advice here and again, 5 stars!
Gina,
I’m so sorry to hear how much you have been through, and I’m wondering if you’re on your own, now that you are 22. You have much pain to work through, and I suggest that if at all possible you get some therapy, or at least some kind of support group to help you with it. It does seem at this point that you would be protecting yourself best by getting out on your own, so that you can begin your recovery. As for your dad, keep a relationship with him the best you can. Have a heart-to-heart with him when you are calm, and in neutral location. You need some distance from your stepmom until she decides she is ready to work on the grief that she is taking out on you.
Great article..very helpful.
I have finally found an article that both acknowledges the hardships of stepmotherhood, and also gives realistic and insightful advice! I have been a stepmother for three years, but it hasn’t been easy. On the one hand, the “real mom” of my daughter is not exactly an ideal mother, which made it pretty easy to win some of her affection. But on the other hand, I do believe that my daughter will always have emotional scars from a lack of intimacy with her biological mother. My daughter calls me mom, and I call her daughter, but I know our relationship isn’t quite whole. The birth of my own daughter eighteen months ago dramatically impacted me in a way I never anticipated: I had to come to terms with the fact that I didn’t love my stepdaughter with my whole heart, and that I may never truly love her as my own.
I feel enormous guilt over this everyday. I find it much more difficult to accept my stepdaughter for who she is, partly because I don’t really like her personality. I find her more annoying than endearing most of the time. I have to be very careful not to let my feelings get in the way of our relationship. It’s not easy. It’s like I chose the worst roommate ever, and I know I will have to live with her for ten more years! She is a good girl, though, and we have both come a long way together.
My husband did the exact thing mentioned in the article above. That is a hot mess to sort out, especially if the girl is also temperamental like mine. The only advise I can give is to pray… A lot. And talk to your husband about the way you feel. Your husband should appreciate the difficulty of the situation. I have found that my husband can give sound insight into the way I behave toward my daughter. Sometimes it’s not easy to hear that you are being an overbearing tyrant, but sometimes it’s the truth.
Thank you for sharing honestly about the extremely complicated interactions that occur between stepdaughters and stepmoms. I hope you let yourself off the hook for feeling guilty. For what? Being human? You have done and are doing the best you can, and I daresay if you decide to accept “what is” rather than expect an ideal that just isn’t so, you can relax and enjoy the relationship with your stepdaughter more and more. One other thing: it might be a good idea to take some care in how much you share with your husband about how you feel. He’s got the biological loyalty to his daughter that he can’t extricate from (just like you do with your own baby now), and he can’t be as objective as you might need. So use good friends as sounding boards, and be more positive than negative with your husband about the situation.. A little “biting of the tongue” can go a long way to keeping peace in the home. All the best to you, and I acknowledge you for your openness to honest feedback from your husband!
I was so pleased to finally see an article that is much more accurate and open about creating a step-family, in our family as a step-mum I am a third parent and it was so reassuring to read someone else putting it that way to rather than the ‘like an auntie’ nonsense we get told – you can be a parent – and a very good parent too – without needing to be Mum or Dad, I’m very proud to be Step-Mum (a third parent!).
I have a 12 year old stepdaughter and a 10 year old stepson. There real mother has to many issues to note! She calls me for help on her visitation. She only has them 3 weekends a month. I am school mom activity mom homework mom and all their needs mom. She is disney land Mom. I am trerated like a cook and caregiver. She has all their love. I am not dealing well. I love their father to much to leave. But am wearing thin!! So frustated!
Glad to be one of several visitants on this awe inspiring site : D.
My husband and I have tried with his 2 daughters for 12 years, they are now grown and are worse than ever. We have recently said that we will engage in a more distant relationship with the one due to continued issues.
I am a stepmom of 6 kids. The older 3 girls are grown and have never lived with us and I don’t have any relationship with them other than acquaintance. My husbands other 3 kids live with us full time and I have a teen aged step daughter and a pre-teen step daughter. so far my relationship with them has been ok and not really strained, but they are still young. I have realized recently that I’m doing way too much for them though and need to leave it up to dad and mom…if they need shorts, etc…the past 6 years I have been the main caregiver of the kids and provider. I am burnt out and I get wounded when the do get sassy with me. They generally always though want a hug and kiss before bedtime…which is really nice. They have pretty much called me mama not mom since they have a mom even though she’s a train wreck and unstable. Best to everyone out there…it’s a tough road to travel.
Hi, I really believe this is very interesting. Much Appreciated,
My husband and i have been married for just a little over one year. He has a 12 year old daughter from his previous marriage. Since we got married my Husban’s family have never accept me and until now we dont share any family time with his side of the family. His daughter is very close to his mother who absolutely hates me. His daughter and i have not been close at all and that is primarily my fault. I dont know what it is that makes me feel bothered when she stays with us. I dont know if its jelousy, the fact that she is so close to his mother, or the fact that i feel pressured by my husband for me to improve my relationship with his daughter. I love my husband so much and i really want to make it work but i really dont know how to make things better with my step daughter. I always mentally prepare when she is coming to stay with us and say to myself that i will make an effort to go talk to her, but somehow as soon as i see her or hear her coming in to the house it is soo difficult to do as i planned. I easily get annoyed by her when she asks questions about anything. Her lifestyle at her mothers and grandmothers is so diferrent to mine and how i would want to raise my own children. I have openly spoken to my husband about my feelings towards his daughter and everytime we discuss it we end up arguing and not talking for a few days. I do tell him that he needs to think about what he wants to do if i am not able to build that relationship with his daughter. He tells me that it is not fair and he says that if he is worth it then i need to make every effot to make it work; and he is worth it but i honestly do not know how to fix it. Please help!
I dealt with my husband’s daughter for eight or more years. We have been married for four years now and although she was an adult when we started dating, things have only gotten worse over the years. The relationship I have with her was determined by her mother and has been driven by my step-daughter’s lack of character and her inability to care about anyone else but herself. Over the years I have done everything I can to both help out and stay out of the way. At this point in my life, I feel there is absolutely no way to fix this situation. I have gone out of my way to avoid doing anything that can be criticized. There isn’t one instance where she has anything to say about my behavior, but because her mom is a nasty human being, a gold-digger, and insecure, this daughter has been damaged beyond my ability to influence. If you haven’t experienced the trama of step parenting, you are lucky. This is a third marriage for me and I have positive relationships with two previous step children, so I know it isn’t me who is the problem. The really sad part of the situation is that this girl doesn’t realize how her mom has used dislike of me as well as insecurity to damage her daughter’s relationship with her own father. I would like to assure step parents out there that there are some situations that will never change for the better and that you might as well give up and step back. Continue to be the good person you know you are and leave the rest to God. Try to salvage your relationship with your spouse and just give it up.
I had to write to this comment by confused stepmother since I have made mistakes in the area of my husband. Don’t ever forget that your husbands loyalties are with his daughter. He will not understand why you don’t see his daughter the same way he does, Perfect in every since of the way. To him she is the perfect baby he saw the day she was born and is not at fault for what she does. I too do not like my stepdaughter and have found it hard to deal with her. My husbands first wife die from cancer when his kids were five and eight. My husband did a great job taking care of them for five years before we were married. I lived across the street and was friends with him and his whole family before his kids were born. We did not date till his oldest was twelve. The twins and I got along fine after our marriage but the oldest one (who was the acting mother after her mothers death)and I had problem from the beginning. She is very good at manipulation of her father. She says what her father wants to hear and makes me out to be the bad guy in all situations. I had hoped when she went to college (at my suggestions she moved on campus) things would get better for my relationship with her father. I had hope that he would see for hisself what she was about, but to no advail. This have gotten so bad that I am not sure that our marriage will make it through this mess. The point that I want to make here is that I went to my husband for All issues about his daughters and it backfired on me big time. If I had a do over I would handle things with my oldest stepdaughte myself. I would not look for my husband to handle her. The reason I say this is because he has an unrealistic view of his daughter and the crap she does, example: This last incident my end my marriage, I had planned a mother daughters day (I have five daughters with his and mine) to make goodies for xmas presents. Jessie who is eighteen (no drivers license) wanted to go to her boyfriends half way through the day. I said ok and the other four girls and I continued our cooking. When her dad picked her up from her boyfriends it was late and I was already in bed. When my husband came to our room paceing I found out that she refused to come into the house. When I finialy got up to find out what was up it went from bad to worse and to make a long story short in the past six months my relationship with my husband has become unbearable. The only thing I regreat is instead of handeling my stepdaughter like I do my own (by confronting their behavior) I went to her father for dicipline and clearity. I believe that I should of handled her behavior myself (ofcourse after exsplaining the situation to her dad). I believe that she would not have been able to wedge between her dad and I) I am in a pickle now and not sure how we will survive. Jessie has gotten everything she wanted to live with her boyfriend by making me the scapegoat. So my advice no matter what you feel about your stepdaughter do not go to the dad and exspect his to back you up. Let his know about the bad behavior in a nonconfrontational manner and try to take your feeling out of it and then let his know what YOUR plan of dicipline is and follow through with it. Kids need boundries and sometimes fathers can not see what their daughters are capable of and pointing out her flaws to his will only hurt your marriage. Handle your stepdaughters as you would your own and don’t get hung up on how you feel about them. You will probably never love her as your own and that is very human and should not be exspected too.
For 8 years I have been putting up with two nasty, immature, selfish, now adult women as “step-daughters.” I want nothing to do with either one now and when they call, I immediately give the phone to my husband. There can be no relationship when one isn’t really wanted and I have quit trying. I now have to figure out how to keep them out of my life for good.
Hi everyone,
I appreciate all of the posts here and agree with quite a few things that have been mentioned, however, I want to share the perspective of the stepdaughter in such situations. I am currently in my late 20s and have no children of my own. I was an only child when my parents divorced when I was five and almost immediately it seemed like they were both in new relationships. My Dad met a much younger woman with a son my age. My relationship with my stepmother was one that has gone on to impact me more than any other relationship in my life…unfortunately for the negative. Some of you mention that you have personally experienced the difference in love between your own child and a stepchild. As an adult now, that dynamic makes sense, however, when you are a young child and that fact is bright as day with actions and words it’s devastating to a self esteem. I had to grow up with my step brother “the golden child” while I was scrutinized for everything. Granted I wasn’t perfect, however, talking back was never tolerated in the house due to my father’s strict limit on respect and therefore didn’t happen, ever. My brother and I were both on honor roll, both did well at sports but I always felt like a second class citizen and looking back I honestly feel it is because she couldn’t handle my Dad having another “girl” in his life. I’m his daughter, there was no need for competition. I think an important thing to take away is to always remember who the adult is and who is the child. Even as teenagers the human mind isn’t fully matured to think as rationally as an adult it heir early 20s and women are often entering into the situation with a new love, an exciting time whereas for the child their world as they know it has been flipped around, family changed without all the tools and skills to properly work through it.
On the flip side, my stepfather entered into my life at the same time with no other children. He has been with mom for over 20 years with two boys of their own. We had a few rough patches here and there, but I have always gotten the feeling he loves me and wants the best for me. I feel incredibly lucky today to have grown up with two great Dads. His key was staying out of the discipline at the beginning, giving me time to adjust and always treating me with respect and a sense that his life was fuller somehow with me in it by his words and actions. That, has made all the difference.
Thanks
Awesome perspective – thanks so much for sharing!
Hi Devil’s Advocate
You make a great point about the difficulties of being a child with a step parent and I can understand how hard it must be, but have you thought about your negative relationship with your step mom being a two way street? Yes she may have favored her own son, but your father probably favored you… And if they both favored the son than why is she the only one to blame? Doesn’t your father have a role in that dynamic? I have two step kids and none of my own and I can say first hand that being a step mom can be a very thankless role. I spend a lot of time, money, and care on those kids and many times the youngest seems to wish I wasn’t around even though I try my best to make both her and her older brother happy. She is very attention hungry for father’s attention and I sometimes feel like she views me as a threat, not the other way around… I have talked to friends and family about the situation and many agree that she does seem to want all of her father’s attention and doesn’t like sharing him with me or her brother. I know she is just a young child so I don’t say much to her or her father about this, but the vision of the step mother as being “evil” is a complete laugh to me! It’s the hardest and most thankless job you can have! You are expected to love and nurture children that are not your own and have no loyalty to you whatsoever. That chose their biological parents over you every time even though you do just as much for them (if not more) than either of their parents. Just thought I would try to put it in perspective for you as you have put your perspective out there as well.
Hi everyone,
After many years I found Mr. Right. We started as friends. We both were living and ending dead-end marriages. We would talk openly about our problems. We did not have any affair. I left my husband and I later went overseas for a job contract for 6 months. During that time his marriage ended – nasty. A bitter fight with his wife and the 24 year old daughter calling the police. Then he was restrained and found himself his own place. When I found out about his turmoil, I called him to see how he was doing. He went from a big house to a little shack apartment.
I never let him get too close to me. I knew he did have a crush, but I never wanted to have him rebound. I wasn’t ready for any relationship. But…when I came back from my contract – I was alone and thought since he was, then why not give it a try. I have to say in some ways it was the best and the worst situation I ever got into.
It is going on 3 years and after his bitter divorce we are both ajdusting to being together. We do plan to marry, but a lot of things are complicated. At least we have made one committment – we bought a house together and are enjoying working on making it home.
The problem is the daughter. She is now 27 and probably remembers me as the friend he introduced me as years ago. She coincindently saw her father and I driving on route to camping. With windows rolled down in hopes of saying hi… she turned pale and called me a “Bitch and a Homewrecker”. Of course,she lives with the mother, who after the house sold moved in with the son(now 28)- in his home.
Because of the divorce and finalizing the finances, both kids seemed to alienate the father. The daughter, after meeting me that day, really gave the silent treatment to her dad. Plus she really felt to blame for calling the police that made her dad leave. The son I think just stayed neutral. He did not call as often and did not meet his dad until well into the 2nd year. Bit by bit the son seems to have accepted the situation and me (at least in the acquaintance sense). He will carry on conversations and makes me feel comfortable. I don’t have any worries with him.
The daughter will not budge. She has started to talk to her dad again, but is stubborn in meeting me in a normal sense. She doesn’t go to family functions where she thinks I may be. She understands that her dad and I did not have an affair, but she thinks I should have stood back and let her parents try to reconcile.
My partner has stated to his daughter that I exist and that I will not be excluded from things or events just to suit her. I am glad that he is steadfast – yet I still toil over the fact that they have very limited physical association. A phone call, a text and that is it. He says he will not force her.
As for me. I can’t stand that she refuses to accept me. I have shared my turmoil with my partner, but he sees me as pushy. I fret over leaving my home to go visit my family because I am worried my partner would allow his daughter to come over – when I am not there. I worry about this sneaking around. I have shared my concern on that, but I just get the “paranoid” comment. …Maybe I am!
I did manage to get some strength to send a card to his daughter saying that she is in our hearts and thoughts and that she is welcome anytime at our home. I also said I would like the opportunity to get to know her. I gave my email and telephone number. I gave a few pictures of her dad (none of me). I sent the card opposite to what I felt – really I would like to scream at her for foresaking time with her dad and calling me a Bitch – when I am not! Hell, I lost my dad last year and through a similar situation with my parents – I wish I spent more time with my dad, not just short visits, odd phonecalls or the last 10 days in the hospital. My conscience is paying for blaming my dad for my life. Hers will too.
I cannot think of a more difficult situation than step parenting. I married a wonderful man late in life. He had two prior marriages with a daughter from each one. The eldest daughter was 25 at the time, married with two of her own children. The younger daughter was 14, very angry and with an overindulgent mean spirited mother who treated my husband very disrespectfully and in front of his daughter. It just did not work for all of us for over a decade. My husband and I moved away from the city where the two former families lived which was enormously helpful to us. I do not think my husband, with his terrible heart condition, would have survived all the push pull and strife if we had not done this. Now he is able to have a relationship with both daughters. The eldest is very settled in her life and her family. The youngest is in a relationship with a lovely young man and is going back to school to further her career.She lives in a different city from both parents and this is helpful to her. We just never mixed well. All the usual stepmother step daughter issues. I was never able to engage her in a relationship with me and now that so much time has passed and her life seems to be happier I just accept that her father and her have the relationship that they are prepared to make with each other. It is not always necessary to bond with your step children. Sometimes you just have to get our of their way and make sure that they get out of yours as well and that you both are able to live the lives you are best suited to.
I came here looking for answers today. The article is spot on. My biggest problem with my step children is their mom. She divorced their Dad three years before I met him and I had one child of my own. We had two more kids together, so we have five altogether.
I met my husband when his kids were 11 and 7. My son was five. At first things were ok. His daughter was the 7 yr old and she got along ok with my son, so it worked out initially. As soon as the mom found out dad was in a serious relationship is when the trouble started. First she sent her 11 yr old son up to live with us. I firmly believe she did this to try to break us up. It didn’t work. Then we ended up with custody of his daughter about two years later. She had been in 8 different schools before she was in 5th grade. My husband won custody of her in a nasty court battle trying to give her some stability.
His ex vowed that she would make the kids hate him. Instead she directed her manipulation and anger towards me. The kids want to have a normal relationship with me, I can tell, but it is difficult for them because she makes them feel guilty. My stepson is older now and just got married. The situation with him as not as bad as it has been at some points, but my relationship with my step daughter has deteriorated to the point where I am ready to cut her off. There was an event that occurred over the weekend that has illustrated to me quite clearly how little she cares about me and my other children.
I am looking for ways to “divorce” myself from my step children without divorcing myself from their father. I just cannot stand their mother in my life another minute and if it means that I have to sacrifice my relationship with them, so be it. Any suggestions on how to go about doing this?
Our blended family of 6 (His – oldest daughter, middle son, youngest daughter Mine Oldest son, younger two twin sons) was doing okay – not great but in the process of blending over the first 3 years until his ex (who had left the family and moved away when the youngest was 9)moved back and re-entered the oldest daughter’s life because she was jobless and homeless. She (the ex) succeeded in regaining her daughter’s sympathy (and ultimately that of the other two)by totally fabricating a tale that my husband and I had been seeing each other before she left town…blah blah blah…so I became the bad guy. I didn’t even meet him until after we were divorced! Anyway, it has caused him great pain because on Christmas 2007 the two girls ‘ambushed’ us at his mother’s house in front of the whole family accusing me of ‘doing evil things to their family’. My husband is wonderful and has supported me completely because of course he knows the truth and he recognizes who is the source of this ridiculous story…we never thought it would now be almost 4 years later and neither of the daughters will have anything to do with us as long as he and I are together.
I grew up with a wonderful stepmother…she is now 81 and still close to me even though my father passed away many years ago…I know it doesn’t have to be like this and I always feel so responsible as my husband has now never seen his grandson who is 2 1/2.
I am at the end of my rope. My 15 year old step daughter is going to cause me to divorce or separate from my husband. I can no longer deal with her, her attitude, her cockiness, her fresh mouth, and do what I want attitude. My husband never disciplines her NEVER. I do and look like the evil witch. My 17 year old daughter hates the way she acts also so does my husband (her father) at times. I made so many sacrifices for her the first three years and altered my life the next two years and I cant spend the next three years bending my life for her anymore.
I have never seen a child act the way she does. She tries to boss my husband around, manipulates my husband, and acts in such an inappropriate manner; always talking about her breast and butt! She thinks she is sexy at 15. I tried to explain to her that there is nothing sexy about a 15 year old little girl.
Her mother died earlier this year. They were estranged for almost 2 years prior to her death. Her own mother said she is rude and disrespectful.
Singed,
End of my rope!
It seems to me that there can be nothing more difficult than a 15-yr old daughter – except for a 15-year old stepdaughter! I was ready to tear my hair out at that stage. Just wanted to let you know that she is now a delightful 25-yr old, and we have a wonderful relationship. So there is hope! It definitely seems to me that you and your husband need to get on the same page if this is to work, and that her behavior and her issues regarding her mom’s death need to be addressed. Please let me know if you would like a 1-1 session… I hope you don’t throw in the towel in this admittedly very difficult stage!
Hi ‘Trying My Best,’
Of coarse I see the relationship as a two way street and can completely empathize with the toughness of the role. I admittently was not perfect like most children, however, was just trying to point out that it is important to remember that the children are just that, children. Starting a new relationship with a new love is generally an exciting time for people, whereas a step child sometimes can only see the pain and the life disruption that just occurred, regardless of who initiated the divorce. Often parents on both sides are bitter and resentful and don’t always protect the children from the mess and hurt they did not ask for. My advice would be to continue to work with your husband and helping him set clear boundaries and limits with his daughter while continuing to try your best to be neutral, fair and respectful to your step children. If they do not see it now because they are blinded by hurt, they eventually will. If they do not, at least you can walk around with your head held high that you tried your best with their best interests at heart. It will be tough. Unfortunately for me, 20 years later, I still have trouble finding moments I felt lived and treated fairly by an adult that had a big role in my life for 15 years.
@ Lois,
I am sad to hear you are looking to find a way to divorce your step children because of their mother. It is not their fault how she acts and in my opinion, should not be punished and felt outcasted from your family because of her actions. In all honesty, I’m not sure you will ever be able to divorce you step children without divorcing your husband. Those are his children, and as a father he should never turn his back on them, for anyone or even be asked to.
Thanks for reading.
Hi. My fiance has a 6 year old daughter, who we will call Elle, that has serious anger problems due to her mother’s lack of attention since the divorce. A few months after the divorce, her mother got into a car accident and broke her back. She has since become dependent on pain killers and has a declining relationship with my “soon-to-be” step-daughter. Since Elle is only 6, she is still very impressionable and has willingly been a joy to be around. I have given she and my fiance time to spend alone bonding, I let him take all disciplinary action, and I have left all her opinions of me be just that… hers. I have found that if you try to push yourself on a child that wants nothing to do with you, it will only push them further away. I am sure her mother has said many foul things about me because I was friends with the family before the two had even gotten married and before Elle came into the picture. Elle was so small when they split and he and I got together that she doesn’t really remember me being around when her parents were still together. Believe me, at 6, they have a mind and a will of their own. She still has days when she visits that she wants to show out and throws stinging remarks at her father, but the relationship that I have been nurturing has led, so far, to positive results. You must give the child and the father time to get used to there being another adult in the mix, other than the Ex. I have noticed that in many of these postings, women often mention that they do not like their stepdaughters. I can understand how many situations can grow into that, but in the very beginning, you MUST allow yourself to love unconditionally. With this unconditional love, it allows the child to be more comfortable and willing to be open with you about things they would like to talk to their parents about but are uncomfortable. It allows them an outlet other than the parents that they can be so upset with. Children must feel welcome in order to welcome you into their lives. Point being – with patience and love, they will come around. I penetrated a hardened and moody 6 year old, who is normally a problem child, and have created something wonderful with her. I know in the future that she will understand that I am not trying to take her mother’s place, but that she is lucky to have yet another person who loves her. If a woman marries a man with children, she should know that with him she will have to accept his children and love his children as her own, without going to far…
Ok…where to begin… I am living with a 14 year old step-daughter…who had previously lived with us for a period of three years. (ages 4-7).. At that age she loved me to bits. Due to constant fighting between BIO-MOM, MYSELF, DAD and PATERNAL GRANDMOTHER we gave up custody. BIO-Mom has FAS…no guilt, consciences, no remorse.
The fighting was destroying the children and we felt it best to step out of the situation so that the fighting amongst the adults would stop. The fighting did stop , but total and complete neglect did not.
The children were abandoned and neglected and only after Social Services had collected 8 boxes of neglect files did they call us to come and “RESCUE” the children… 5 freaking years later…Paternal Grandmother did nothing but allow the neglect to continue.
Both paternal Grandmother and BIO-Mom hate me with a passion and blame me for EVERYTHING… Bio-Dad, my husband, has nothing to do with his parents or BIO-MOM because of their lying and manipulation. He hasn’t had any contact with them since the day in court when we cried and signed the girls over to stop the fighting.
NOW…present day…I am living with a demon from hell… She is passive aggressive, lies by omission, her favorite sayings are “I don’t know, I don’t care, I forget, I don’t remember . She is a WORLD CLASS MANIPULATOR… Her older sister, aged 16 has been in and out of jail and has recently given birth to a little girl. Her physic evaluation is grim to say the least..a baby sociopath with deviant tendencies??? She is under strict supervision and monitoring while trying to raise an infant. She has murderous tendencies and has ended up in jail for uttering death threats on two separate occasions.
MEANWHILE my step-daughter (14) is lying by omission, trying to destroy the relationship between my husband and myself…and just about succeeding.. When I get upset she smiles and smirks…when she sees someone is hurt, she laughs, when she sees someone crying she laughs. Conflict delights her. She takes all her anger and frustration out on me. I am so fed up and frustrated I want to leave.
I don’t know what the best strategies are to work with her. Do I take control and treat her like a reactive attachment disordered child…do I use patience and tolerance…do I do the discipline and leave my husband out…(which he is as he works out of town)
I am 100% lost, overwhelmed, fed up, frustrated and exhausted. I have told her I will never be her Mom, that friendship is all I’m seeking…I have advised her to call her MOM and tell her Mom that she would like to spend two sundays a month with mom one on one, but she won’t do it… I have said it is ok if she wants to see her grandparents she can walk down the street to see them, but she chooses not too. Meanwhile when the child does see BIO-MOM or Paternal Grandmother they say things like “Debbie doesn’t want you to see us” Debbie and Dad won’t let me see you..”
Nothing means anything to this child. She is attached to nothing… Since the child has been living with us Paternal Grandma hasn’t even given the child a card or called her.
She tells me in front of her Dad that she wants me at her volleyball games and gives me BIG hugs…then 4 minutes later will say..”I don’t care if you come to my games”..”It doesn’t matter to me” “I don’t care it’s your choice” She says these things out of ear shot of her father and it makes me look like a lunatic…
In front of her Dad she is respectful and kind and willing…when he is gone she is downright EVIL…
We told her (Dad and I) that Dad was going to look for a job in town so he could be home every night.. Step-daughter responded with tears saying “But that will mean less money” I said…”Yes, but your Dad will be home every night.” She just stared straight ahead, with a look as cold as ice…
Golly is there someone out there who can offer advise??? I am totally 100% lost and overwhelmed… There are SO MANY issues… What do I do…Where do I begin… I have lived like this for over 2 years…
Sincerely Deb
I have to say I was having a really hard night and this article really helped. I have the fun years with a 6 year old, but am having a hard time. The ex spoils the child rotten and lets her do what she wants, so when she comes to our house and has to do chores, she’s not interested. Then she cries that she misses her mom. We see her every 3rd weekend in the winter, since we live a few hours apart and then we’ll have her the majority of the summer. But it’s not fun if the whole time she’s crying for her mom because we’re the “mean parents” that don’t give her what she wants. It’s hard to because I’ve always tried so hard to be her mom when she’s with her dad, but I’m finding out that’s never really the same. I can understand why a step-parent wouldn’t necessarily love their step-child the same as their real child, but in reverse, that step-child will never love their step-parent like they do their real parents. This has been a struggle for me, but everyone’s comments and this article have made me feel normal! thanks again!!
I have been in a relationship with a guy for over two years now, and we have been engaged for a almost a year. Both of us are divorced he has been divorced for over 6years, and me for almost 4 years. I have a teen age son from previous marriage, and he has two children from his previous marriage daughter is 9 and son is 11. For the last two years it has been something everyday with the daughter not wanting nothing to do with me. She would scream at the top of her lungs if I asked her to do something such as get in the shower. She would sit in her room for hours rather than coming out to join the rest of us when I was home from work, but the minute I would leave she would come out. There have been many looks of hate, anger outburst, and many other things that would take forever to write. She would say that she didn’t want me and her dad to get married because she wanted him all to her self, or that I was the reason her and mom and dad were not together. When that is not the case at all her parents had been divorced many years before I met him and it was her chose to leave due to unfaithfulness. She gave him full custody of the children so they live with us full time she sees them every other weekend with the option to see them other times if she wanted to. Just when I think things are starting to get better between the two of us ( me and daughter she will go to her mothers or grandparents, and then come back and we start over again and sometimes it is worse than it was before. We have put her in counsling to help with this and it was working very well until the summer where their mother had them for two weeks at a time and did not take her to one of her appointments at all. So when summer ended it was time to get back on track and it was quicker than I thought it would. We would still have issues with her attitude or anger but we would just tell her to go to her room until she changed her attitude then she would be able to come back out. Things that are most challenging are somethings that I would say she would twist them up when visiting her grandparents or mother to always make me look like a monster she would always tell them that I boss her around or that I am being mean. She has even gone as far as telling them that I punched her. And she told us that she lied about that because she was mad at me and didn’t want her grandparents to like me because she thought they would stop loving her. When asked to tell the truth to them she said that she was afraid of them yelling at her and said that she doesn’t know how to change their mind on how they feel about me. A few weeks ago a coment was made to her before going to spend the night at grandparents house about seeing if they would send a couple pairs of jeans home since it was getting cold. Well this was on a thursday and when she left things were just fine and had been fine for a while. We had also just anounced another wedding date to the children and it wasn’t shared with anyone else yet. And we are thinking she went over to grandparents house and said something to them about all of this and it was twisted like things usually are with her, and well friday their mother picked them up from school. Saturday I arrived home from work and saw there were a few cars in my drive way. Walked in to see two police officers and a social worker sitting at my table with my fiance. Come to find out their mother called dfs on us because when she went to pick kids up friday they stopped at grandparents house ( which are my fiance’s parents) and the grandmother came out and was talking to thier mother for a long time saying that it has been said that I punched daughter and I am bossy and that I am very mean to her. All of the accusations were made over a year ago and now they are acting on this. DFS came out and saw no evidence of abuse unsafe enviroment for children and said that it seemed like someone just was angry and this is what they did. I’m lost as to what to do. I feel like im up against everything… daughter grandparents, and ex. My son has a great relationship with fiance and me and his son have a great relationship also. So it seems to me something more is going on here and I need some advice….
Is it ok for a guy to share here? I hope so, because I am totally beleaguered and could use a reality check. Nutshell: been married 7 years to a woman who I really love. I have three daughters ages 17, 21, & 23. To cut to the chase: about a year ago my wife announced her policy requiring my daughters (her stepdaughters) to call her specifically for permission to come over to our house.
Background: With very very few exceptions here and there, I can say that my daughters are tidy and considerate and have never presented any abnormal issues. My wife paid the downpayment on the house, but I have always paid a full share. In the past, I always talked to my wife before my daughters would come to visit. My daughters have hardly been over to the house in the last year, and those times have been for planned events (they live about 80 miles away from us). I am very close to my daughters and raised them essentially on my own for a number of years. I talk to them and see them (elsewhere) regularly.
I have never told my daughters about this policy, as I believe it will cause them to lose all respect for my wife (and me) and they will refuse to come over, ever. I resent this policy, big-time, and the issue has become a deal breaker for my wife and I. She has dug in her heels, and we are close to being on the rocks over it. I think that, on the face of it, it is destructive for a stepmother to insist that (only) she gives permissions for visits. She thinks that this is normal and that many stepmothers do this.
I know this is very little information to go on, but I am desperate for some kind of reality check here.
Hi –
I came to this page desperate to try to figure out what was going on in my head and heart. I have a stepdaughter who is 16 and a son who is 17. My stepdaughter has really been through the ringer. Earlier this year my husband received full custody of both his minor children (stepson turned 18 only 4 months after the custody Order and immediately moved in with his mother) after years of what all the counselors said was the highest conflict divorce they had ever witnessed. The Judge found the mother guilty of Parental Alienation. For those of you who do not know what Parental Alienation is, PLEASE, I beg of you to google it and read about it. It has devasted my husband’s family and affected the relationship that I have with my stepdaughter. Anyway, I have found myself feeling jealous (at least that is the only emotion I can put a name on) of my stepdaughter. Her father gives her everything and anything she wants saying he is trying to rebuild a relationship. He calls her “sweetheart” and “babe”, he attends to her before me, etc. I feel second, and I feel horrible at being jealous. I have a son of my own, and he lights my world and I love him with all my heart. So, why can’t I understand…what is wrong with me? My stepdaughter and I have basically no relationship. I have no idea how to approach her and find myself nervous to be with her by myself. I want her to like me, but find myself unwilling to put myself out there. During the last 3 years I have seen her do unspeakable things to her dad. There have been DSS investigations, many lies told by her, her brother and their mother to try to manipulate the system into never having to see their father again. I have lived through it all and seen EVERYTHING. What do I do to get past the feeling I have of mistrust? How do I forge this relationship? I do not think his daughter is bad, I just have seen the ugly side (and so has he). HELP!
I’m 21 years old. I have a very tight relationship with my mother, and it kills me everytime I have to have decisions made by stepmother because my father never does anything without her ok. I get that they are married, and I respect that they need to make decisions together, but what I don’t respect is them making decisions, especially her, with my mother not even being in on it. Also, I was the girl who lived with my father after the divorce, but I did it because I didn’t want him to be alone, not because I could manipulate him. Once we moved in with my stepmother my father and I fought everyday and to this day I feel like I am not good enough anymore because he has her. I also feel like I can never trust her with secrets or be normal around her because the fact remains, she is my fathers wife first, and it’s only with my own mother that my brother and I will come first. To my father, and I understand this, she will always come first
Hi. I’ve been married for four years now and have struggle with my life as a step mom. My husband and I got married when I was 21 years old and his daughter was 15 years old that time. Now I’m 25 and she’s 18 but she still is cold to me. I know that I am way too young for my husband but I do believe that age doesn’t matter if u really love eAch other. His daughter is very spoiled, she wants everything on her way. She never help in the household chores and everything from her laundry to dishes- is done by her father. And so, when I came in to the family I had to tackle all those responsibilities since my husband is working and I am a housewife and soon to be a house mom. She always brought friends over and eat but the thing that I dont like is they don’t clean up their mess and so I talked to my husband about it that she is old enough to have a chore in the house and my husband agreed and talked to his daughter but his daughter cried and said “you don’t love me anymore!”.
This problem has been going on for years now and I am sick of it. My husband do give her advice about our situation but he just can’t take it when his daughter starts crying for no reason. Everytime he talks to her, his daughter is always right for him.
Year ago we moved to another city and his daughter didnt come with us since she doesnt wanna leave friends from our town. But our relationship became worst since she starts texting me that she’s gonna find a way to break us up. She always told me that I stole her dad from her. If only I don’t have a baby from my husband right now, no matter how much I love him I would’ve probably left him already since I am not happy with my life anymore. I am stressed out and haven’t laughed in a long time. Please advice me what to do. Thanks
Lonely_roses
Hello I am a mother of two boy and a girl. I started dating after the birth of my daughter. Their father and I did not work out, lets just put it that way. I meet my husband when my daughter was a just 4 months. He has a daughter as well whoes mother died in a car accident when she was only 5 months old. He and i dated for over a year before we decided to move in together. After moving in together is when I started to realize that I cannont stand his daughter! I care for her well being but would much rather her not be around. She was 3 at the time, I thought maybe it was her age and she would grow out of it but she is 5, her father and I are married,and my feelings toward her seems to be getting worse.. I feel so guilty for my feelings and wonder why I feel this way. My kids are my pride and joy and my husband seems to love them jus as he loves his own. It jus comes so natural to him. I feel so annoyed by her, I geel like she is sneaky and I feel like theres nothimg I can do to change it. My husband and I have had talks about how I am harder on her than the other two and I have been trying to be more conscience of my actions. I also feel like she tries me. Like she does things behind my back right after I ask her not to! Im not sure what to do if anything. I love my husband and have no plans on leaving him but I do not want to carry these feelings on nor do I want her to hate me when she gets older. Im the only mom she has and I really want to be the best. Please give me some advice…
Don’t feel bad, it can happen. Sometimes we expect to have the same love for our stepchildren as we do for our biological children, and it is generally not possible. My guess is your feeling badly about this has compounded into a negative spiral, which CAN be reversed. Email me on the “contact” tab, and I’ll do a free 15 minute consult with you about this.
I know how you all feel! I have been with my husband for almost 10 years now! He has a daughter who was 5 1/2 when we met, and was so damaged then by a drug/alchohol addicted mother who abused her. My step daughter was sassy and rude then, and my husband promised me it would get better- that she needed time. She is about to turn 15 and it has only gotten worse. She is the most self-centered, sassy, pessimistic person I’ve ever known. We have beent he best parents that we could be for her, and she treats us like crap and then goes to her mother and grandparents and talks trash about us. If she doesnt get her way, she makes our lived miserable- especially mine cause I’m at at-home mom and he goes to work. She doesnt listen, she doesnt do any chores, and when she is asked to all she does is complain and whine. Her real mother abused her from when she was 2 all the way to 12 (it was a long court battle but we finally got her out of there). Her loyalty to her crazy mother is so strong, but she defects how her mother is on us and she takes out all of her anger towards her mother, on me. My husband and I have two children together now (6 1/2 and 3)and I have always treated ALL THREE of them the same. My step daughter treats our 6 year old daughter like crap, barely acknowledges shes here, and then babies our 3 year old son, showing him so much love and kisses, but then turns on all of us. She is making me absolutely miserable. I hate my life with her in it, but I dont want to leave my husband. She has no respect for me, and little for anyone else in her life. Words can not express how crappy I feel because of her. I even had to start taking anti-anxiety meds because of her. I just cant deal with her any longer. What am I supposed to do???
HELP!
I am a stepmother of 28 years. My husband has two grown children…I get along fine with my stepson, but have had to give up on my stepdaughter. I tried so hard. It has been heartbreaking, but I have found I can still be happy.
I have been a stepmom now for 10 years to 2 wonderful girls… they were 3 and 5 when I married my husband whose ex-wife divorced him for another. I have given my everything to them (heart and soul) .. and after several years of abuse (to me) from their mother – I turned the other cheek and have gone as far as buying Mother’s day gifts for her from the girls each mother’s day. I pay for all their healthcare needs as both mom and dad are unemployed (my husband broke his back and neck in 2003, she was laid off and is back in school) so I am the only one gainfully employed….. I had my daughter who is now 5 and my step girls are 15 and 13… the 15 year old and I are very close but the 13 year old took the other fork in the road this past year.. she thinks she knows everything, has an entitled attitude.. wears revealing clothes.. has been lying and stealing.. we have now had a couple of bad verbal fights.. I know I have now said some things I can’t take back …. and now I am at the end of my rope… she thinks I am an wicked evil step mom – I think I created this monster by giving her too much and now she expects it and thinks she can treat me with no respect… my 5 year old is now growing up in a home where there is arguing and that crushes my heart…. I can’t take it…I am thinking of moving out with my daughter or living separately from my husband and his girls on the weeks he has them….. I didn’t realize this is what I signed up for.. to be a doormat by people who “love” me AND pay for it myself…I have too much responsibility and she has none…. my husband keeps trying to discipline her and he does it a lot but she just doesn’t care it doesn’t matter…. her mother also “tries” to discipline her but she also has enabled this behavior by telling the girls “not to tell us” things that she is doing or helps her cover up lies by playing the “good cop”…
I know it’s not entirely my 13 yr old step daughter…. I am a strong career woman who doesn’t do well in the “love and patience” department and don’t know how I can fix that ..or be fundamentally different… I was raised by a tough single mom who taught me to WORK for what I want but I can’t seem to get her to understand that same ethic… Uggghhhhh who knew life would be so hard….
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I have had a “stepmother” for almost 20 years since I was 12 years old. Unfortunately she and I have a horrible relationship. She was so insecure and jealous. Jealous of my mom and my close relationship since she and her daughter were always at odds so she badmouthed my mother constantly even though she didn’t meet my mom until a decade after marrying my dad. Even though its been years since she badmouthed my mother that pretty much damaged any chance of us having a relationship. How could I possibly love a woman who showed so much hatred for my mother. Now my stepmom loves to go on and on about how nice my mom is, and it just feels so fake. I am polite to my dad’s wife when I have to be around her, but avoid her at all costs. What angers me so much is she’ll call me “her daughter” and that I have 2 moms. If she was really a “mom” to me she would not have treated me the way she did. Dad’s wife explains our relationship best. There also was extreme favortism of her daughter who lived with her and my dad full time as opposed to me who only visited on weekends. Now my “stepmom” wants to be a big happy blended family, tells me that the word “step” is a dirty word, and lives in denial of the past and talks about what a fabulous stepmother she is and was. I have even gone to therapy over how awful it was. I am grown, on my own, and see my dad’s wife maybe 1 to 3 times a year despite living only 10 minutes from her and my dad. She’s the type of person i can only handle in very small doses.
If I ever do become a stepmother myself at least I know everything not to do.
i absolutely do not like my step-mom, she stole my dad from me right after they got married. i do not live with my dad, so whenever he comes over to visit with her, which is 3 to 4 times a year, she always steals him away and doesn’t let me hang out with him! she does not know how to be a mother, and has this spoiled bratty 17 year old son. she was married previously for 3 years. i bet her ex-husband called it quits because she is such a nag, and when she doesn’t get her way, she yells at my dad like a baby and doesn’t talk to him for a couple of days. she thinks its okay to show me her lingerie. she yelled at me for not cleaning up her dishes because she expected me to do them without ever asking, and never apologized. has never said sorry for ever yelling at mean when i have done nothing. plus, inside a family photo album she has pictures of her and her friends holding up penis lollipops and penis ring pops. she complains when my dad and her haven’t had a date in forever even though they have about four or five a week, and i have not even spent time with my dad by myself in about 5 months because of her. when i was having my birthday party i told her that i wanted to plan everything by myself and she promised she would let me do everything that i want, but ended up getting all this food i didn’t want and making it all about her at my party, and showed her wedding video at my party. so obviously, if she doesn’t have the spotlight on her, or doesn’t get anything she wants, she turns into this bitchy rude person. and she broke my camera that was about 100 dollars that i didn’t even have for a whole year, never said sorry, and didn’t even ask if i wanted a new one, and has never bought me a new one. she borrows my clothes without asking and messes them up too.
I’ve never written to one of these blogs so please bear with me. I’m over 40, and my widowed dad has formalized a domestic partnership with his girlfriend who is 20 years his junior. My mom died years ago, and I genuinely want my dad to be happy and not lonely. I’m an only child and have no other living relatives but my father. I had a good, stable childhood with two parents who loved me and no dysfunction to speak of. My mother was a really lovely person: smart, kind, and really caring about others.
My problem is that I am terribly concerned about my Dad’s choice of partner. She can be nice, but has (medicated) bipolar disorder and a seriously narcisstic streak. She always drank a lot, but is now mixing prescription drugs with alcohol. Due to her mental disorder, the more she drinks, the weirder she gets. The conversations just get uncomfortable and I’ve become more outspoken when she says things that are offensive to me (racist/homophobic comments, mean words about her family members, belittling comments about her domestic help). I can no longer hide my horror at some of her statements. Meantime, my dad seems to not notice.
Easter’s coming up and DH and I are seriously considering not getting together with them. I feel badly about it. Meantime I keep thinking how sad my mom would be. =(
Any advice or insight would be appreciated.
Hi
I’m a soon to be a stepmom. She is 18 and thinks she can do what she wants. Her dad has never given much disaplane in her life. He has raised her since the divorce 14 yrs ago. He mom has lots of issues and don’t give her daughter much loving. I have to two daughters of my on ages 14 and 16. My new soon to be step daughter is very jelous of my 16 yr. old. I have tried to talk with her and she does respond to me but you can feel the tention between us. I have talked with her father about this and all he says is its going to be ok everything will work out. I’m very scare it won’t. I really have a dislike for my stepdaughter and I think most of it comes from the fact that her dad won’t do anything about some issues. It’s like he is blind when it comes to her. His family has tried to talk to him and explain his daughter is out of control but he don’t see that. I’m really stressed and suggestion. I really love this man and he and my daughters get along great.
i placed a post but now it’s gone. ???
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Hello, well I’m 26 years old, and i have a 12 year-old SD, I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we have a 5year old together. My husband was never married to his daughter’s mom, she was older than him, with 3 kids of her own, my husband was young and she used to give him money everytime he was at her house. He told her that he didnt want anything serious with her, nor children. But she got pregnant, and he ran away. But now, he regretes what he did, and is trying to reconect with his daughter, bjt she didnt want anything to do with him, i saw my husband sad, so i texted my sd to see if she wanted to meet her sister, she said yes. So niw, because of what i did she is getting closer to his dad, which is awesome. However, she is tarting to say she hates her mom, and she wants to live with us, that her mom is a slut, that she knows she is nit perfect” like my daughter, but we should work it out. So my question is, how do i make it work when she comes to live with us? She also has expensive taste, and dont know how to tell her no. She said she likes me, and has fun when she is with me and her sister, but if she calls her mom a slut, what would she call me when she gets mad??
I am a stepmother to a 12 almost 13 year old stepdaughter. I have been in her life since she was 7 and her father and I have been married for 3 years this June. Since Christmas my step-daughter has been avoiding coming to our house. She didn’t even come and open her Christmas presents until 3 weeks after Christmas. Now she has sent a text stating that she never wants to come to our house and that we are not to text/call her ever again. When asked what brought this on, she told my husband that him and I were childish b/c he lectured her the last time she was with us (she lied to us and she got caught in the lie. She then sent my husband a email saying that I was the reason that she is not coming on her scheduled visitation anymore and that she never liked me and she was only pretending to like me all those years. My step-daughter and I always had a terrific relationship through the time her father and I were dating up until now. I feel as though her bio-mom has a lot to do with this, but not sure how to handle this right now. I have decided to step away from the situation and even offered to my husband that when she is there on the weekend that I will go and visit some friends so that he can still have the relationship with her. I don’t want to ruin the relationship that my husband had with his daughter and I don’t want this to ruin my husband and my marriage.
Hi Everyone,
I am a stepmom who is close to loosing her brains due to the confusion at home.To make a long story short,i met my husband some 12yrs ago.He told me he had a little girl from a previous relationship,i was fine with that,at the time she was two yrs old.I have never met her mother phisically,but ever since this woman realised there was another woman in my husbands life,she hasn’t stopped creating tension in our home.
We both moved to a different country but continued taking care entirely of the kid and her older sister (who will soon turn 18)till they joined us two years ago.My husband for some reasons had assumed paternity of the older sister when he met their mother for reasons best known to them.I doubt if she even knows he is not her boilogical faher.
Back home this woman will spend most of her day making ghost calls,if i happened to pick up the call she wouldnt say a word,if my husband picked the call then there would be a complain about the kid being seriosly sick,all sorts of drama.Since they came here,it’s been one issue to the other,now she cannot call to ask for money for school,hospital or food,what she does now is put the kids all the time against both of us especially me.
I think she is using the girls to revenge.For some reasons she does not want to accept the fact that he is married to another woman.When they got here they had a complete black image of him,they take everything we do for granted,they try to take stuff from us to send to their mother eg digital camera,She sents people to our home out of our knowledge.There’s this lady who popped in one day and accidentlly met my husband who was suppoded to be out of town.No phone call to inform us of her visit,nothing.She tells her kids i am the obtstacle.after this many years she still thinks that if i am out of the way,they might a reconciliation,given that her girls are now here.Betterstill because i dont have kids.
The 18yrs old doesn’t intend to look for a job,she claims she’s been dropping her C.V but no one has ever called her since last year.At the same time she is complaining she does not want to work,she wants to study.
They told their phsychologist at school that they are not happy and that they have issues to tell their father in private.They dont want my presence so they’ll rather have him come to school.
I am the one who’d spent most of the time with them since they came here,their father works out of town and sometimes for as long as six months,though he does visit.I have never seen such ingratitude.When they came here i pleaded with them not to get involved into and battle between their mother and their father and to try and to try and have fun as kids.At first it worked untill the started communicating constantly with their mother.
At home,it’s a scenario of a polygamous home,they seemed to have replaced their mother.No gift is ever good enough for the 18yrs old and sometimes for the the 14yrs.
My husband is doing everything to show them he is not a monster,and by doing so he does disrepect me sometimes just to be on their side.My husbands attitude towards me completely changes when ever we are all together.He talks to me in a hash tone,at times i might just ask what he’ll prefer for diner and either he snoops or he goes; anything,in an unfriendly manner.He has a double personality,When they are at school he is the polite and nice husband,when we are in our bedroom he is nice but once he knows they are around forget it.I am just so unhappy,i want to leave them as soon as possible.I am paying the price for this talk of war with his daughter’s mother.I am so fed up.He refuses to see that this whole thing is affecting me,if i complain,he says i am prying into something which does not concern me.He says what ever issues he’s having either with the woman or the kids is not my business.
Because there is always tention we berely have any intimate relationship.
Help plse.
I don’t know what to do anymore I have a 16 year old stepdaughter and going crazy I have been married a little over a year and 6months into our marriage stepdaughter’s mom didn’t want her anymore cause she was acting out and running away so we got her I have been trying to make it work with her for 10 months now but she is rude don’t listen to me unless her dad is around and will not help around house her room is a mess and it smells me and my husband have a 3 month old and I wont let her hold her or anything cause since I was pregnant she would refer to my baby as her baby me and my husband fight a lot and we used to never fight until she came along I am about to have a nervous breakdown I love my husband to death I just don’t know how to deal with his daughter oh yeah and he is not even on her birth certificate some other guy is and they never got a Dna test done so why cant the guy on it take her I just don’t know what to do I am about to go crazy she walks around the house like she is gods gift to the world help me before someone gets hurt or I go insane
thank you for this article. it really shed some light in the midst of challenges experienced in my family. I wish it could just be easy from the beginning of the relationship or during counseling for a proper foundation to be laid in terms of step parenting.
This article has helped a lot as Im even thinking that my husband does not want to spoil his relationship with his daughter, and sometimes I see her manipulation. She cannot stand seeing us cuddling, at 19. Is this bad for me to expect this? I know she loves her father, but what about me, as a new wife? How do we build our relationship?
Wow. I stayed up reading these comments and feel Ive gleaned a few insights. Thank you all for writing. What brought me to this site is that I am a stepmom. I have 3 teens I brought to the relationship, my husband has an every other weekend 8 yr old he brought, and we have a 6 month old together. Weve been married almost 2 yrs. My husband is great with being a team etc. The thing is he wants me to refer to myself as having 5 kids, not 4. i like his optimism but i realy feel weird saying that, it hurts his feelings though if I dont. His daughter is extremely spoiled at her other house and by all grandparents. My kids are not and live 5000 miles away from their estranged g p s. His daughter is sassy, big headed, entitled, arrogant and will scoff at the grossness af others less fortunate if we pass them on the street. I would roll over and die if my kids had this attitude!! They do not. On the contrary they want to help others and weve stopped and given $, food, support etc to many even let a single mom n family live a summer w us when we were alone. Anyway, you get the point. HUGE difference. I love his daughter but I have a hard time stomaching her arrogance and feel having her two wk ends a month is not enough to affect her. Shes getting a little better at not demanding ALL attention on her etc but Im concerned for the lopsidedness and I definately did not birth, raise , or have influence on five kids. I try to let her know she is not center of the world when with us by being kind but not all on top of everything she wants.I want her to know there are other people here too to consider and sinse its the only place she may learn this its important.But I am concerned w whAT IS GOING ON IN HER HEAD BECAUSE SHE IS NOT SPOILED HERE LIKE SHE IS EVERYWHERE ELSE. Any grown used to be spoiled n entitled step kids out there have advice for me? btw she likes me and im good w all kids but i have to flee my own house often when shes over. I do not HAVE 5 kids. There i will just say it on this anonymous forum.
This article makes so much sense. It was like someone had personally analyzed my story. I dislike, mistrust, and resent my 16 year old step daughter. She was not raised with the values that my husband (her father) believes in or lives by. Unfortunately, my husband is now reaping what he has sown. He did not discipline his daughter growing up, and left the majority of parenting to be done by his then wife who did not share his same beliefs or values. At that time, my husband was living by the belief that marriage is forever no matter what so you go along to get along. Well, fast forward 16 years and you have a young woman who lives and breathes her mother’s beliefs, and practices. A teenage girl who treats her 40 year old mother and 65 year old wealthy step father like royalty. As for my middle class husband and I, well we are just the servants who are lucky enough to spend our money, take her on trips, clean up her messes, take her disrespect, her manipulations, her lies, her hurtful behavior, her betrayal and we must do this all with a smile or she will refuse to visit which will disappoint and sadden my husband. My stepdaughter is a proxy, and a mole for her mother. She called my husband an “ass hole” one day when he asked her to pick up after herself. He took his index finger and smacked her lip for mouthing off. She called her mother to cry about it, at the time she was 14. Her mother instructed my step daughter to take a picture of her face, which showed a red lip (no bleeding or swelling). My stepdaughter then texted the image to her mother who didn’t call cps, the police or any authority. Instead, with my stepdaughter’s help they went to court and 50/50 physical custody turned into my husband being granted 2days a week. He has since forgiven his daughter for her betrayal. I have not. She is the clone of her mother in mind, body and spirit. Both mother and daughter focus on how you look, what clothes you wear, what car you drive, what make up you have, but to help with your moral compass, your integrity, how you treat others, or your character. Such things as morals, values, beliefs, integrity, hard work, are just for us middle class peons. Mother has gotten her second boob job, botox, $3000.00 purses and doesn’t have a job. My stepdaughter has already set her goals that she will marry only a professional athlete to ensure she “gets the good life like her mom”. What father wouldn’t be proud to hear his daughter aim so high in her goals. I don’t like my stepdaughter. Actually that would be an understatement, but she is a product of her environment. My husband blames his ex wife for his daughter’s narcissistic personality and money-before-people attitude. I remind him of his own culpability in how his daughter is and remind him to share ownership in how his daughter turned out. After all, my husband was married to his daughters mother for the first 12 years of her life. She didn’t just get this way post their divorce. These habits, her attitude, her extreme focus on self alone, her belief that money is what defines a good person, all that was training that started long before I came on scene, and well before his divorce. Parents, after all, are the first teachers and home is the first school. My husband and I have already discussed that I will stand by him until his brat is out of high school, but after that, she can no longer stay at our home and will reside either with her wealthy stepfather, who she calls dad, she can live with her rich athlete she plans to marry, or she can dance her way up and down a pole for all I care, she will not live in my home and pollute my own daughter’s mind who is just a toddler now.
Thanks for the article and after reading many of the posts it’s nice to know I’m not the only one in my situation. I met my husband when my stepdaughter was 2. She is now 21 and graduating from college. My husband and I have a daughter who is 13. My stepdaughter and I got along great until she was in 7th/ 8th grade. I think her mom was able to manipulate her at that age and she has been a bear ever since! My husband used to support me but after he lost his job in 2002 he wont stand up to stepdaughter and her mother. He lets my stepdaughter and her mother get away with so much! He doesn’t repremand my stepdaughter for any bad behavior towards me or our younger daughter! I have tried to be involved and do whatever I can for her but have always been accused of “trying to hard” or “trying to control things.” So, I have backed off. She is now graduating college and didn’t bother to send us an announcement and emailed us 10 days before graduation because she wants us to take her out to dinner. My husband is angry with me for not “taking the initiative” to find out the details from stepdaughter!! I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t! Bottom line is my stepdaugther did not communicate with us about graduation, etc. and my husband knows she screwed up but won’t blame her- he’s trying to blame me!! I’m so ready to divorce him. Just trying to hand in there until our 13 yr old graduates high school then I’m out of here!! My husband doesn’t get it. Even our 13 year old feels my husbands treats the oldest with favor. It’s heartbreaking – our 13 year old tries for his approval and she is a great kid. stepdaughter is a screw up but in his eyes does no wrong. I feel hopeless! Not what I signed up for!
Hi,
This article has really helped me to see that these feelings don’t belong just to me – they are felt by many different women who have become step-mothers. My step-daughter is 4 years old and is, like many others the apple of her father’s eye. I struggle with the closeness she desires and her overall “neediness”. She tends to get preferential treatment and knows this. I tend to get angry and defensive when I witness her getting her way when rules are “hard and fast” for the other children (3 boys). I feel like all children should be treated equally regardless of gender, but her father believes that girls should be handled differently. I am struggling with negative feelings and have a hard time seeing this little girl as an individual and not as her mother. I constantly have to hear from her how wonderful her mom is and how I am not doing things right – that being said she can also be very loving sometimes and then the guilty feelings come flooding in. I feel like I need help- some coping techniques or maybe even some therapy to get past my feelings. I am so ashamed of myself! I don’t know why biology has to deal us such an ugly hand regarding step-children, primarily step-daughters (all about competing for dad’s attention, even though I have ZERO desire to compete with a child)- why can’t we fully love a step-child as our own? Are all step mothers wicked (not by choice). If anyone has any tips about a book, or seminar that has helped them I would be grateful.
mmmm…i’m a stepmother of a 7 yr. old little girl. Have been for almost 4 years. The bio-mom. left her when she was only 1 year old. The bio-mom came back into her life about a year ago, but has missed most of her visits. (has told my stepdauthger im not her mom, that i don’t love her dad. so many things.) It has been so hard for me. I now have a 1 year old and currently pregnant. It breaks my heart and sometimes even feel sorry for myself that i have to be with my husband going back and forth to court. My husband has given me the choise of giving her back to the bio-mom. (since my step-daughter has been lying to us, i guess all this is confusing for her. But i just cant. Love? i think so. Someone who left their own child when they were just a year old, that is lack of love. I can’t leave her. i feel i would be doing worst than what her bio-mother did to her. God is my only strenght. When i read God’s word i know i can keep going, i don’t know what will happen next. But i do know i have a RIGHTEOUS GOD on our side. I ask Him to give me the strenght…but most of all to give me LOVE for her, that is the only way i can keep going on. He does say in HIS word “ask, and you shall receice”.
Please help. I am a my wits end. Long story short, My daughters mom abandoned her in the worst way her 11th grade year. I took my daughter in, got custody, revoked all rights to the mom. Put my daughter ththrough therepy to deal with it. Since my wife her stepmom has constantly screamed at ther, tells her she hates her, wants her to move out, and recentaly told her she will be kicked out in less than a year. I have two kids with this woman so leaving is not an option, I do not know what to do about this. My daughter is not emotionally or financially ready to move out, and she has done nothing to provoke this wrath my wife has inflicted on her. If I try to help my daughter financially when she is on her own as I had offered, wife threatned to divorce me.
Should I just get it out ofc the way and divorce her?
My stepdaughter…never ever says thank you for a gift or for any gifts I send her kids. We have a had a good relationship..she is now 42… I know her since she was around 6.
She doesn’t realize or has forgotten that I’m the one that would insist on her visiting her dad every other weekend and just recently I had told her dad he should spend alone time with her and her sister. Always have been the one to keep them all together even though I have been divorced from their dad for 23 years.
She now thinks I pushed myself on their alone time (because he constantly) travels…she doesn’t know he invited me to do so..and again that I told him he should spend time alone with her.
She has grown cold and aloof.
Don’t know what to do as I don’t even know if I care to resume a relationship with her…as I have been so, so thoughtful and kind over all these years.
Iam going through step daughters.I love them and take care like my own kids but they never let me be close to their dad.there dad gives them all attention and ignores me.makes me feel he married me to just look after his gals.m so stressed and upset what m going through.
me and my step mom have been fight for years and i wantto fix it and go back to the way we used to be but i do not know how. i lost mom at 16 then dad remarried her and we have found ever since which i was 17 at the time they got married. gow do i fix it.
It is awesome that you want to improved the relationship with your stepmom – you will both benefit a great deal by your decision. If I were you,
I’d just start by sitting down with her and letting her know you care about her, appreciate her, and want to make things better between you. Ask
her how she’d like to start a new relationship. Hopefully there will be no need to bring up the past, worry about apologies, etc. Just move forward
from here -
Divorce sucks for everyone. Kids suffer the most. Read “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce” if you are a step parent or about to get divorced. I have saved marriages by giving this book to people as they see what will happen to their children as an effect of divorce. As an adult child of divorce (divorced when I was 12, I am now 40) with two parents who have happily remarried, I wish my stepmother was more on the sidelines rather than trying to make such a positive impact on my life. As nice as she may be, I never asked for my parents to divorce and never never never wanted a step mother. Even though I hated my own mother for years after the divorce, I would never want someone trying to replace her. IF you are a stepmother and trying your best to be “like” a mother, that is very painful for us daughters, because we wish it were out own mothers doing this and we will have resentment towards you for trying to replace our own mothers. The best thing to do is be supportive, caring and loving, but not overbearing. Don’t overdo it!!! And PLEASE, don’t ask us daughters to accept you and your children as our family. I have no family. I have a mother and a father, but my family no longer exists and to ask for your family to replace my family is extremely painful. By the way, after reading the book mentioned above last year, I have been able to throw away all previous anger towards my mother as I realize how it was not my mother who was bad, but how divorce had such a bad influence on her and our relationship. I am now able to fully accept all the loving things my mother does for me and I love her very much. I feel much better : ) Please read this book.
warex.. Leaving is an option. Staying just for kids is not an ideal environment for anyone. my parents stayed. I wish they hadn’t. It would have been better had they separated when I was younger than 18. After that the divorce took 7 years and was bitter however I was still never more relived than when they finally spilt up. I only wish it happened while I was young.
I am beyond stressed at this point…. My stepdaughter is three and I have been in her life since she was 11 months old.I have a son with her father (my now husband) that is one, and we have been married for a year. The girl’s mother is intrusive and horrible. When she and my husband were married, she cheated on him repeatedly and left him the day she found out she was pregnant with his baby. When the baby was being born, she tried to have her then boyfriend in the delivery room instead of my husband (aka the child’s father). Their relationship was over shortly there after, but they did not finalize their divorce for another year. She has NO BOUNDARIES what so ever, and would think it was still appropriate for her to be attending my husband’s family events, and even have some sort of relationship with MY son. She makes people feel sorry for her to give her what she wants.
Over the last couple years I have seen her be completely negligent with her daughter….she often has SEVERE open wound diaper rashes, frequent yeast infections, she came over with nail marks in her neck once, she leaves her with who ever will watch her, and since they share a bedroom, she lets whoever her boyfriend is at the time sleep in the same room with her. This woman is a TERRIBLE mother, but I am looked at as the villain because i set boundaries for her and give her daughter a better life when she is here. I do my best and make sure that she is clean and well fed and has nice clothes and went out of my way and spent a ton of my own money to make sure that she had her own nice bedroom BEFORE I EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO MAKE A NURSERY FOR MY SON.
Yet I am sonctantly told that I am not her parent and have no say in what goes on….but I am expected to watch her all the time and take care of her as I do my child….I am really having a hard time and am starting to resent my husband for this and the fact that he tells me I am being a bitch any time I call her biological mom on her crap….
Also, my stepdaughter is very jealous and doesn’t like my son having any attention. which is compounded by the fact that my husband basically ignores my son and i when she is here. He thinks that she can do no wrong, and because he and her mother let her get away with everything, when i ask her to do something as simple as eating or going potty she cries and looks at daddy because he wont make her.
I have only been married for 4 months. Before my husband and I got married, I started to bond with my 5 year old step daughter. We get her every Friday and keep her through the weekend and try to take her to dinner once a week. I was keeping her every Sat. and some Sundays when my husband would go to work. About a month before we got married my mother-n-law started a huge fight saying that she never gets to spend time with her now that I am in the picture. (Before me she kept her when he had to work) We still took her to see his mother for a couple of hours every weekend and spent the night about once a month but that wasn’t enough. Now he lets her stay at his mothers every Friday and and all day Sat. and he has stopped working on Sundays and spends that time with her. So we never get time to spend together to bond. I am worried we will never have a good relationship. I have talked to him about it and all he says is that he cant make everyone happy and we don’t get enough time for everyone to spend time with her. I have gotten to spend time with her once in the past 5 months and we had a blast together. Since we haven’t gotten to spend any time together she had acted out toward me. I just want to have a good relationship with her.
I want to thank you for writing this article. You enforced that most of what I did was valid throughout the past eleven years with my husband and stepdaughters. Although it wasn’t easy at times, I remembered that everything I invested in my girls strengthened my marriage and was a long term investment made in the girls. I read blended family books back then, and felt that most of it was bad advice as well, and found my own way – enforcing positive disapline when necessary and having alot of time enjoying them, caring for them and my husband has respected me and loved me all the more for it. I also respected that it was their time with daddy and so other than wanting them to see a positive healthy relationship – openly loving their dad with affection, it was all about them each weekend. They were 8 and 4 then. They are now 20 and 17 and after doing so much for them, we began to see a huge change in the our older daughter. Her personality has become more self centerd than ever and has been rude to me, to any guest I’ve had in my home, and just her overall behavior has been to try to control the environment and alientate me. I was hurt by it, but my husband began to see it after a period of time, without my saying anything to him. When he recently confronted her, she declared her resentment of my existance and told my husband that he should have asked her first before marrying me. I am always around and sometimes she just wants to be with him alone – him, her and her sister, that is. Just me out of the picture. She told himtThat she doesn’t need two mothers and she has been forced to be happy about the situation for all these years. And now, she is going to be who she is – (I guess to be misarable with the arrangement of our family dynamic). I was floored – since the year before her mother’s day card said that she couldn’t have asked for a better stepmom. She accuses her dad of never being there for her – which is amazing because she has no idea and never will, the sacrifices and bending over backwards we both made to be sure they never felt that way – and she still does. The younger one is conflicted because although she loves me and her dad, she feels loyalty to her mom and sister. I don’t know what happened… I’m extrememly saddened and just want our family to be reconcilled, but we cannot allow her to come here at 20 years old and control the environment with her resentment and disrespect. My husband has tried to talk to her, but she doesn’t feel she’s done anything wrong and will not apolgize for it. Her father and I feel she needs to be apolgetic and repentent of her actions not because we need to hear her say she’s sorry as much as she needs to own her own misbehavior because in life and relationships you can’t just keep making excuses for the way you misbehave. I feel as though she regressed about 7 years emotionally and I am so sad for her because I don’t know what happened and I am scared for her emotional health going forward. I pray that she will be ok… I pray that we will be a family again. Thanks for listening.
I am the stepmom to a 12 year old girl and 8 year old boy. They both live with us and both have different moms. I have been married to my husband for 4 years and the little boy has always lived with us because his mother left when he was 3. We are close and he calls me momma. The girl just moved in with us 5 months ago. Her dad thinks she can do no wrong. She tells her dad that I never do anything around the house, that I don’t clean and am always on my phone. If I get on to her for anything she gets mad, huffs and puffs, goes to her room and slams the door. Nothing is ever good enough for her. She constantly wants to go places and if you tell her no you would think the world just came to an end. My husband and I have a 2 year old son together. I am expected to do everything for all of the children. I don’t know how to handle her anymore. My husband tells me I am the adult and she is the child. When I discipline her she talks back or pops an attitude with me. I have tried and tried to talk with my husband about this. I have even told him maybe I need counseling. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to leave my husband because of his child but it is becoming unbearable and causing my own child to have problems.
If the daughter is GROWN LET HER BE GROwwwWN. Why baby the chick just because you don’t want to step on her toes. You are the woman of the house not her. Love her and show you care but don’t kiss anyone’s a**. It woulnd’t be any different if it were your own daughter so why put her on a pedastal or egg shell alert. Don’t walk on egg shells in your own home. The divorce and her attitude is NOT YOUR DOING. Oh well if she don’t like it. JUST BE YOU AND LET HER BE HER. IT IS WHAT IT IS. F-IT. Let her mom deal with raising her if that’s the case. Speak your mind in your home…anywhere else unsaid words are better left …unsaid. PERIOD.
Hi,
I am 27 and my stepdaughter is 14. I have been in the picture since she was 8.
I think the hardest thing about being a stepparent is you are this undefined role- it’s different in every situation, you’re not really a parent, but sometimes you are, you’re not loved nearly as much as the biological parents.
What I have learned from my journey thus far, is you have to have faith. Faith that if you put in your energy (which is a lot!) and your heart, one day they will reflect and say, “I was really lucky to have her.” But we all know, that might never happen. And I have to use the same psychology mentioned above- if a teenager shows you their angst, perceive that as they love you enough to share that with you….. well maybe if they never realize how lucky they were… don’t we all sort of take how great our parents were for granted? Like you’re just a given!
I think the hardest thing about the “stepdaughter/stepmother” relationship is that daughters are little clones of their moms. And we don’t always love the moms…. and our husbands don’t love the moms either or they’d still be together.
Here is my advice to all:
1) Children in every family deal with issues when their reflect their rank- middle child, young child, oldest, stepchild, half sibling, only child, and you know what, this s*** is going to happen to every child! Even if it’s a great environment, we all go through this. So just be the best you can be! Do the best you can. Everyday, make a point to express your love to every family member. And guess what? That’s all you can do! One day, when they’re grown up and they’re reflecting again on their childhood, make sure they remember 1) you spoke sweetly to them 2) you said I love you. If they walk away with more than that, you are super blessed!
2) Unfortunately, if your child has a good mom (if your stepdaughter thinks her mom is good), then your impact is limited. So don’t try to achieve perfection. She doesn’t need it from you. She already has it and she is not in the market. You cannot replace a good mom/daughter relationship, you can’t hold a candle to it. So enjoy your life. Be a good person and be there for her. Stepmothers don’t get gold medals, only moms do.
3) If you and your husband chose to have children, you all better go to parenting classes first on how to deal with the tension. You need to have an agreement before having a baby on what both of your goals are for the dynamics of your house. You owe it to your stepdaughter and your child. But…. you should have known tension was inevitable before having a baby! That is why I’m waiting until my stepdaughter is 18 and avoiding the whole mess. But as a child from a divorced family and with a stepchild, if you have tension because of this, all you need to do is take out your stepdaughter, either just her and her dad, or the 3 of you, and go out once or twice a month, like old times.
We can all boo hoo and vent as much as we want. Stepmothers and stepchildren alike. But let me tell you the best advice:
4) 18 years goes by like a blink of an eye. Stop wasting your time and give someone a hug.
P.S. This is coming from someone whose husband works 6 days/week, I work M-F and clean houses on Saturday, and we pay $1500/month in child support.
I am 27 years old with a 35 year old man with a 17 y/o stepdaughter and stepson. The son lives out of state and visits once in a while. He is very kind, sweet and has great manners, which I assume comes from his mother. However, I have a 17 y/o stepdaughter that isn’t a hellraiser but is very lazy, selfish and talks to her father in a very rude tone as if they were the same age. She seldom talks to me in that tone because I don’t tolerate it from ANYONE. It still bothers me because I was raised to have respect for my parents as well as my elders. I also had chores since I was 7 and was taught that young girls must regularly cook and clean. I cook and clean all the time. When she is done with her food, she only washes her dish and that is only if the dishwasher is empty. She doesn’t even try to cook or clean anything. For the past year, she has only cleaned her bathroom 3 times. When I mentioned something about chores to my fiance, he got defensive and we had a huge argument. My fiance also spoils her and gives her what she asks for without her even earning it. I know he loves his daughter very much but he NEVER disciplines her. When she makes bad grades or has an attitude he acts like it is nothing. I assume it is out of guilt because he was a teenage parent and we all know that they don’t make the best decisions. I feel sorry for her but at the same time her smart mouth makes me cringe. Also, every time we are together with family being happy, she acts so unhappy or withdrawn. I don’t know how to take this. Sometimes I feel like she is ungrateful and sometimes I feel like that is just her personality because her mom is a bitch. She is only completely happy when she has her Dad to herself. I try my best to be a good step-mom to her like how my step-mom was to me. I had a stepmother and we ALWAYS got along fine. She was awesome. I love my stepdaughter but I feel like I am on eggshells. I don’t want to discipline her or say something because I don’t want to be the evil step-mom. I also don’t want to bring it to my fiance’s attention because he gets defensive. I just hold the frustration in until it makes me angry then go off to be alone for a few hours. I try to put her situation and feelings into consideration but it is hard because I am human. Everything cannot be about her and her feelings all the time. I kind of feel like she is going through something because her Mom just had a new baby and shows favoritism and love towards that child that she never showed her daughter. Her mom is also lazy, very bitchy and obviously moved on in her life and has no concern for her daughter which breaks my heart. She only calls her daughter when she needs a baby sitter. I plan on having children soon and am sensitive to her feelings on that. She once said to me that her mom’s child is not her brother its just her moms child and she said it will be the same when I have kids. I don’t want her to feel left out. I want to have kids ASAP but I feel guilty. There is a possibility that she may live with us after she graduates high school because she is not a great student. If this happens, I fear that she will continue to be spoiled, lazy, dependent and have resentment or jealously towards me or my future children. I don’t agree with my fiance’s nonchalant parenting skills but he is a very loving parent and is getting better with time. He needs to just work on the discipline and structure aspect of parenting. I also fear that when my stepdaughter sees my fiance be a better father (naturally because he is older and wiser) with our kids than he was with her, she will have more resentment and feel alone. I am confused and venting on here because I have no one to talk to about this. HELP!!
I am 27 years old with a 35 year old man with a 17 y/o stepdaughter and stepson. The son lives out of state and visits once in a while. He is very kind, sweet and has great manners, which I assume comes from his mother. However, I have a 17 y/o stepdaughter that isn’t a hellraiser but is very lazy, selfish and talks to her father in a very rude tone as if they were the same age. She seldom talks to me in that tone because I don’t tolerate it from ANYONE. It still bothers me because I was raised to have respect for my parents as well as my elders. I also had chores since I was 7 and was taught that young girls must regularly cook and clean. I cook and clean all the time. When she is done with her food, she only washes her dish and that is only if the dishwasher is empty. She doesn’t even try to cook or clean anything. For the past year, she has only cleaned her bathroom 3 times. When I mentioned something about chores to my fiance, he got defensive and we had a huge argument. My fiance also spoils her and gives her what she asks for without her even earning it. I know he loves his daughter very much but he NEVER disciplines her. When she makes bad grades or has an attitude he acts like it is nothing. I assume it is out of guilt because he was a teenage parent and we all know that they don’t make the best decisions. I feel sorry for her but at the same time her smart mouth makes me cringe. Also, every time we are together with family being happy, she acts so unhappy or withdrawn. I don’t know how to take this. Sometimes I feel like she is ungrateful and sometimes I feel like that is just her personality because her mom is a bitch. She is only completely happy when she has her Dad to herself. I try my best to be a good step-mom to her like how my step-mom was to me. I had a stepmother and we ALWAYS got along fine. She was awesome. I love my stepdaughter but I feel like I am on eggshells. I don’t want to discipline her or say something because I don’t want to be the evil step-mom. I also don’t want to bring it to my fiance’s attention because he gets defensive. I just hold the frustration in until it makes me angry then go off to be alone for a few hours. I try to put her situation and feelings into consideration but it is hard because I am human. Everything cannot be about her and her feelings all the time. I kind of feel like she is going through something because her Mom just had a new baby and shows favoritism and love towards that child that she never showed her daughter. Her mom is also lazy, very bitchy and obviously moved on in her life and has no concern for her daughter which breaks my heart. She only calls her daughter when she needs a baby sitter. I plan on having children soon and am sensitive to her feelings on that. She once said to me that her mom’s child is not her brother its just her moms child and she said it will be the same when I have kids. I don’t want her to feel left out. I want to have kids ASAP but I feel guilty. There is a possibility that she may live with us after she graduates high school because she is not a great student. If this happens, I fear that she will continue to be spoiled, lazy, dependent and have resentment or jealously towards me or my future children. I don’t agree with my fiance’s nonchalant parenting skills but he is a very loving parent and is getting better with time. He needs to just work on the discipline and structure aspect of parenting. I also fear that when my stepdaughter sees my fiance be a better father (naturally because he is older and wiser) with our kids than he was with her, she will have more resentment and feel alone. I am confused and venting on here because I have no one to talk to about this. HELP!!
I am 27 years old with a 35 year old man with a 17 y/o stepdaughter and stepson. The son lives out of state and visits once in a while. He is very kind, sweet and has great manners, which I assume comes from his mother. However, I have a 17 y/o stepdaughter that isn’t a hellraiser but is very lazy, selfish and talks to her father in a very rude tone as if they were the same age. She seldom talks to me in that tone because I don’t tolerate it from ANYONE. It still bothers me because I was raised to have respect for my parents as well as my elders. I also had chores since I was 7 and was taught that young girls must regularly cook and clean. I cook and clean all the time. When she is done with her food, she only washes her dish and that is only if the dishwasher is empty. She doesn’t even try to cook or clean anything. For the past year, she has only cleaned her bathroom 3 times. When I mentioned something about chores to my fiance, he got defensive and we had a huge argument. My fiance also spoils her and gives her what she asks for without her even earning it. I know he loves his daughter very much but he NEVER disciplines her. When she makes bad grades or has an attitude he acts like it is nothing. I assume it is out of guilt because he was a teenage parent and we all know that they don’t make the best decisions. I feel sorry for her but at the same time her smart mouth makes me cringe. Also, every time we are together with family being happy, she acts so unhappy or withdrawn. I don’t know how to take this. Sometimes I feel like she is ungrateful and sometimes I feel like that is just her personality because her mom is a bitch. She is only completely happy when she has her Dad to herself. I try my best to be a good step-mom to her like how my step-mom was to me. I had a stepmother and we ALWAYS got along fine. She was awesome. I love my stepdaughter but I feel like I am on eggshells. I don’t want to discipline her or say something because I don’t want to be the evil step-mom. I also don’t want to bring it to my fiance’s attention because he gets defensive. I just hold the frustration in until it makes me angry then go off to be alone for a few hours. I try to put her situation and feelings into consideration but it is hard because I am human. Everything cannot be about her and her feelings all the time. I kind of feel like she is going through something because her Mom just had a new baby and shows favoritism and love towards that child that she never showed her daughter. Her mom is also lazy, very bitchy and obviously moved on in her life and has no concern for her daughter which breaks my heart. She only calls her daughter when she needs a baby sitter. I plan on having children soon and am sensitive to her feelings on that. She once said to me that her mom’s child is not her brother its just her moms child and she said it will be the same when I have kids. I don’t want her to feel left out. I want to have kids ASAP but I feel guilty. There is a possibility that she may live with us after she graduates high school because she is not a great student. If this happens, I fear that she will continue to be spoiled, lazy, dependent and have resentment or jealously towards me or my future children. I don’t agree with my fiance’s nonchalant parenting skills but he is a very loving parent and is getting better with time. He needs to just work on the discipline and structure aspect of parenting. I also fear that when my stepdaughter sees my fiance be a better father (naturally because he is older and wiser) with our kids than he was with her, she will have more resentment and feel alone. I am confused and venting on here because I have no one to talk to about this. HELP!! ***revised with correct email***
Hello Everyone,
I’m so glad to be able to get this off my shoulders. Well me and my husband just had an argument about this situation. We both have one child, my daughter is 7 and her dad is barley in her life, mabey once a month she will see him. His daughter is 2 and her mom barley deals with her. We have been married for only 6 months and his daughter is a problem. But shes only two you would say, give it some time right? But we as women can see certain types of characteristics in another female as early as 2 and hope that they change. I can honestly say that my daughter at 7 has of course grown and matured but she is the the same goofy, sensitive, likable, sometimes smart mouth child as she was early on. Now his daughter is mean, jealous, annoying, manipulating and sometimes nice. Im not the only one who says this, other grown ups when they encounter her have this same report to me about her. I am very afraid of how she will turn out as a female. Her mother was a very bad child as I hear and she seems to have the same in her. I pray all the time about this, over her and about me heart. The way I feel is noticeable now, I cant hide it. I tried just letting him discipline her and I kinda started ignoring her. She had such a mean face all the time, if I wanted to hug her I dont real fell invited to. Shes already starting to try and get in between me and her father. If I would have known, I may have waited to marry, its that serious. She would wake up every morning around 3 in the morning and try to get in our room but I locked the door, that didnt stop her. She would not stop turning and twisting the knob with determination. I felt like I was in a horror movie.She doesnt want her dad to sit next to me on the couch, or if he gives me attention she wants the same. She doesn’t listen at all, but I will blame that on her age. Am I wrong fro feeling like I don’t want to bother with her. I know I cant respond like that but everytime I see her I see trouble. Like our house is so peacefully ran and when she comes its turned up side down.
I have a problem…I’ve been in a relationship for a year and a half. his kids are all grown but he has his grand daughter living at his house. she has two kids 3 year old and 4 month old. he rents rooms out in his house. my daughter also lives here and pays renting has a seven year old daughter and is now pregnant. its just a mess. He has home me often that my kids were like his kids…but we all know its not true. he said he would treat my daughter like his own. well that has proven wrong… but what I’m trying to get at..is he has a sin that is 47 years old that is supposed to pay rent..but every month he pays maybe a hundred but in a week he is borrowing it back..and then another three days he’s asking to borrow more money…he will never catch up. cause when he pays he ask for it right back a few says later. his father never says no. my boyfriend also has a 50 year old daughter doing the same. but she pays back but in a few days she’s going to bingo and borrows it back its a revolving door. they never think maybe I might want to bwine or dine. its all about them
My husband always puts his daughter first. No matter what she does or says to me, he accepts any excuse she has, ” I must have had PMS.” that is her usual excuse for bad behavior. She’s 26 years old. I have an excuse now too, I’m menopausal. If she can use hormones for an excuse, so can I. His daughter and I will never have a good relationship, so I keep her out of my life as much as possible. She is planning on moving to where we live to be close to her dad. (right now she lives in another state) I am not looking forward to that at all. Valium, lots of Valium.
Well where do I start? I have read every single one of the comments about this article and I have nodded my head some and shaken my head at others. My situation is not as complicated as some of yours are but I can relate. I have been a step-mom now for 4 years. When I met my husband his two girls were 7 and 11 mos. At first when we were dating I didn’t meet them, but 3 mos into the dating process I finally met them. The 7 year old did everything in her power to make me look like a bad person in front of her dad but her dad always stood up for me. That made me feel good that he stood up for me when she would try things like that. The youngest obviously doesn’t have any issues with me b/c she doesn’t remember anything of when her father was single. When my husband and I got married she seemed to be coming around to me. I did some harsh discipline after the wedding for the first 6 mos, but she was used to getting her way all the time b/c my husband didn’t discipline her. She finally was starting to get used to having me around and what I did or didn’t tollerate in our house. I thought things were going to be good, she didn’t try to break her dad and I apart anymore and she seemed to be getting into things that I told her I liked. Like say baseball/softball. I told her I played when I was young and now she does it. It thrills me that she does this b/c we have something to share. One thing that does concern me with all of this is that even after all these years that now with her being 13 she is starting to come into her own. Her mother and grandparents from that side of the family buy her everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, she wants where as we can’t b/c I am a stay at home mom for our youngest. We get them every other week so the weeks we have them we don’t have to pay an ungodly bill of daycare. Anyways when the oldest comes here to our house we can’t give her what she wants all the time, material wise, so she brings stuff from her moms house. This is fine by me I only care that she has clothes that she can wear, food in her stomach, and a roof over her head. We let her go and play with her friends after she has done her homework and everything. We let her do almost whatever she wants. She says please and thank you all the time but when she does something wrong she doesn’t like the idea of beind disciplined by both my husband and I. Sometimes I can get a little out of hand and say and do things that I regret, but I will never ever raise and hand to them, and spanking here and there and thats it. But when I do things like that and we all calm down I always apologize to her for what I had said and/or done. I also reassure her that I only want the best for her and that I will always love her. Again still thinking in my head that things are going well we pick her up this past sun and she tells my husband and I that she doesn’t want to live with us anymore. I was shocked…hurt…and downright angry that she was thinking of just leaving us. We had moved out of one town and into the town that her friends lived in so she could be closer to them and we had also gotten our youngest, now 4, half and half so she could have these little niceties. But then to show up and throw this in our laps, and get this the reason she wants to stop living with us is b/c she thinks that I’m mean. As I type this I am actually kind of scoffing at the whole thing not b/c I’m heartless but b/c I practically bend over backwards for her and she says I’m mean? She says that I yell at her alot. My husband and I explained to her that talking sternly to her is not yelling. She said it was and this all kept going for about an hour about the yelling part when finally my husband yelled at her and said this is yelling. I told him to calm down and finally when he did she kept coming up with other excuses like her not getting enough time away from me. We told her that she has to deal with that b/c her dad and I are married, not boyfriend and girlfriend, like her mom is in. She didn’t like that one bit so she tried to come up with another excuse. So getting down to it, all week my husband has tried to do the discipline alone but somehow I feel bad that he has to when after we have done it together for four years, but I feel that if I try to discipline her that she will tell her mom and gparents about it and things will just worsen. I don’t know what to do anymore, I actually get scared now when I have to say something to her. I don’t like these feelings and the idea of her having this kind of control over me but I also don’t want her to not come here and see her dad and sister. As I said earlier I know my situation isn’t as bad as some of yours but if there is anyone that can give some ADVICE I will be most appreciative. Thank you for taking the time to read this and if your a step-mom or are thinking about being a step-mom just remember this, There are other people out there who have it worse than you but you will always be able to find people to help.
Hello Yikes,
I just joined this web sit at the suggestion of my mom. I read your story and can sympathize with you. I am a 34 year old mother of 3 and live in a blended family with my 3 children and my husbands 2 children, 14 year old girl and 17 year old boy we have been a family for 7 years now. My stepdaughter exhibits much of the same behavior of your stepdaughter and her dad also raises her out of guilt. He allows her to talk to him any way and gives her what ever she wants without earning it.
My best advice to you is seek counseling. for you and your husband, for yourself, and for your stepdaughter.
we have been seeing a therapist for a few years now on and off and I can tell you when we are off things spiral out of control. I see the therapist by myself, and with my husband. My stepdaughter also goes alone and we see a significant change with every session. My stepdaughter deals with abandonment issues (seems like yours is too) and the therapist gives her the support and understanding she needs.
We are not born equip to deal with these types of issues and seeking help is a smart choice for everyone’s piece of mind. having a place to speak freely and having someone to put it into preservative is such a big help because I know for me my emotions get in the way of what I am trying to say, so to have someone to help form the right non-aggressive words is priceless.
I hope you find some comfort in knowing that there is someone going through the same thing and there is hope.
God Bless
I like this article a lot. It was well written and very heart-wrenching. I am a step-mom and have been for two years now, although we only made it official about 4 months ago.
I have a great relationship with my husband and his daughter. Honestly it is like she is our daughter. Her mom is. Well she is her mom and she does things I can’t and I respect that. However, I need help.
I love my SD and I think I’m supposed to treat her like my own kid right? I try to treat her like my son, she gets kisses and hugs, she has her own room and we have a special relationship.
But being a stepparent is almost an impossible task. How are you supposed to love someone and not get a vote in their life? My husband and I discipline our kids together, we consult each other and we are a team. It is my house as well so I discipline my SD when necessary.
My heart is heavy though. I know I’m not her mom, I’m not trying to be. But at the same time, how do I not try to be her mom, but try not to treat her differently. I’m really struggling because there are so many things that I don’t get a vote in. How do I handle not getting a vote but being expected to be a parent figure?
hi ,I have been married for 5years now and we(husband and I) had two kids a 4years old girl and a 14months old boy. before we got married my husband has a kid she was 9years old by then now she’s 14, so to cut the chase,I caught her taking a birth control pills and she said her friend gave it to her to help her menstrual problems, but we know that she had a bf that is 18 years old Going 19 ,she is soo defensive when I asked her about the pills,she said its not for sex. then every weekdays( schooldays she out somewhere with his bf I suppose) and cqme home late at night, also on friday night to sunday night she’s gone staying somebody else’s house and come home late Sunday. and her paternal gparents are the one driving her around. coz he’s dad is not home because of his work. I don’t know what to coz I am the bad one in this house. my husband can’t even descipline hier and just letting her do all she wants. my husband has the full costudy and she’s only visiting her mom every summer. and I fell so tired thinking about this all the time
i need advice so bad
I am in my 50s and have a stepdaughter in her late 20s. She has a family, with three girls and soon a fourth child. The growing up years, were hell, but I felt that with time and maturity things would improve. I have been with her father for 20 years now.
Things are still stuck in the 9 year old mentality of get your own daddy. Honestly her parents allowed her to do some very damaging things such as dropping out of school in the 8th grade so that her mom would have a sitter for a sibling.
With the latest dust up, I realized that things will never improve,simply because the way “her family” interacted works. They like greed and revenge.
I am currently 19 years old and in college. I have a stepmother, who married my father when I was 11. My parents divorced when I was 3 years old, so it’s safe to say I never knew what a marriage was supposed to be like. My father dated numerous women before my stepmother, and I liked them all. They tested with respect and love and as if I was their own. Then he met my stepmother. At the beginning she true and was very nice and would spend time with me and play. Then she moved in. Things changed immediately. Her style of parenting was completely different from how I had been parented up to that point. They were all good things, neat freak, manners, etc. It wasn’t the habits that were bad, it was the way she went about implementing the policies. She expected me to be as clean and keep the house to her standards right away. Also, she became very rude and went from the fun-loving, nice person I knew to the stepmom she is today. She also had a daughter from a previous marriage who was 18 at the time. My stepsister and I get along extremely well. I have never been good enough for my stepmom. She constantly talks about her daughter and barely talks to me when I am at my fathers, which is hardly any because I feel so uncomfortable. I think she may view me as a threat to her relationship with my father and that I am not the daughter either of them would like to have. I take after my mother, which my stepmom has made very clear that she doesn’t like my mother. She no longer invites my family to family functions, but she will invite my stepsisters father and of course she gets along with him. At one poit in high school I moved out of my dads house for over a semester because things with my stepmother don’t go well. Whenever my stepsister comes over with her husband, I am completely ignored and all of the attention is on her. She expecting a baby, so it will only get worse from there. I love my stepsister and haw nothing against her, her husband, or her soon-to-be baby. I fear that when I have children of my own, they will be treated as second par the way I have been and never good enough. I don’t know what I would’ve done without my mother in this situation, she is the only person in my life who has actually been there and given me the support I lacked from my father and his over-bearing wife. I hope things with get better, but I doubt that. I realize we both have done things wrong, but she is unwilling to work things out.
I was desperately looking for help and this eased my tension. I overdid for my SD since she was 3. She’s generally good, but now it has come to a point where she wouldn’t let me show her the good and bad at all. I too lose my temper trying to correct her. And like you say she always comes out with “you cannot discipline me, you are not my mother, only my mother and father can do that” and “for your information, I hate coming to this house”, “I know that my parents separated because of you” etc etc
She’s 12. This started this year. Within a 6 month period, this has happened twice.
After the 1st incident, I try my best to avoid situations where I have to take a stand. I have told my husband that I cannot keep her during school days. Because waking her up in the morning is such a drama. It takes more than 45 minutes of pleading to get her out of bed. Then when she’s late to school, she keeps asking “what am I to say” and keeps pushing me to come into the school to excuse her, which I refuse to do. I always tell her to take responsibility for her actions. And always insist that you cannot give false excuses to escape from your own mistakes. If you are late to wake up,you are late to school and when you are questioned at school, you have to face it, say sorry and accept your mistake. These conversations always end up in something like a sarcastic “you are very helpful!”, “what kind of an adult refuses to help the child”, for which I lose my temper. And then it all starts. I tell her that she cannot talk to anyone like that etc and then she comes out with a whole tirade of nasty things.
I am not the reason for her parents separation. They were living apart when I met her father. The mother had left him with the child for another man, the relationship eventually did not workout as he already had a family. The mother kind of lost her way after that and now constantly in and out of relationships. She makes the child feel that the men are there because both of them are so poor. The mother then goes visiting the men, some of whom are abroad, leaving the child with us.
The child says “my mother has no option, we are so poor, it is because she wants me to have a good Christmas. Uncle X is so nice he’s sending me everything”
I have been telling my husband to take control over the situation ever since I met him. To take the child for counseling, get her help, to talk to the school teachers.But he never did. He’s afraid of the mother’s tantrums. She is one of those ‘know all’ people, no one can ever make her understand things. She retaliates violently and has a real filthy mouth.
I am already on anti-depressents. And when the first major incident happened this year, I went to a counsellor. The counsellor heard my story and then met my husband. After the session, she only came out and said “you can come and see me again if you want to” and that was it. It was obvious that she didn’t want to intervene. I felt so helpless.
I feel as I carry a huge rock within myself. It hurts to know that there’s an unbreakable wall between the child and me, and that we still have to co-exist. Every time after a fight, I pretend as if nothing happened and kiss and hug the child without making her feel any difference. I carry on the day to day life without showing her anything. And my husband keeps telling me how proud he is of me, how professinal I am and he loves me more every day.
But the pain I have within hurts so much.
There’s so much more to tell. I wish I had someone to talk to. But then, when a counsellor gives up on me, who else can I rely on?
I cannot describe how happy I am to find this website and read all your stories about difficult relationships with your step daughters. I’m late 20s and I have a step daughter age of 10. I’ve been with her dad 1 1/2 years, but it doesn’t seem to get any easier. She can be a real angel if she wants to be, but if things doen’t get the way she wants, her behave gets erratic and often also violent. Now, even the thought that I need to be around her gets me anguished. It’s absolutely horrible to admit, but I finally did it few weeks ago. I admitted to myself that I hate her spoiled, disrespectful, bossy personality. Ever since we, met everything has been my fault – according to her. Bad grades from school, problems with teachers, arguments with friends etc. It may not sound bad, but it feels extremely bad to hear that same s*it every other week. Her dad knows that too, but he said that he doesn’t know how to make her stop it. I understand that she is a child and I don’t want to confuse her head more, but I also understood that I feel physically ill when I’m around her and it’s impossible for me to hide it. For her sake and mine, I refused to spend my time with her anymore. My stress level increased to a whole new level which I didn’t even know to exist, so I finally had to face the fact that it was impossible for me even to like a girl who had bitten, hit, kick and spit on me (and also her father).
The girls father is my true soulmate and we never argue or shout to eachother, which makes everything so much harder, but I did what I had to do. I told to my boyfriend that I choose my mental and physical health over him and his daughter. So I moved back to my own appartment and we meet only every other week when he doesn’t have his daughter. Everyday we speak on the phone, we chat on facebook and send sms, but even though I miss him like hell, am not ready to move back in with him before he and her mother do something about her behaviour. That amount of violent is just not normal for a child.
Thank you for reading my story and I apologize my writing mistakes. As you have probably noticed, english is not my native language. i would love to hear your comments if you have any experience about violent children.. And the question I keep asking from myself, did I give up too easily?
Greetings from snowny Finland and have a merry christmas.
Hi. I found it interesting to read the responses of this topic from Stepmothers. I’m 14 and have known my step-mum a year and a half, and she has been married to my Dad for only a year of that. They now have a 2 month old son whom I adore.
I know a lot of the time I find it very difficult to understand why sometimes my step-mum wants me around to do ‘family activities’ and other times will not let me in. I think she definitely resents me because I am my Dads little girl. Or was.
But this thing is a two way street. It been very difficult for me to adjust into their home, and I am still struggling now. As in the article, for a long time I was my dad’s only priority, and when I did see him, I was the only one he wanted to see. I guess it was the same for my step-mu, when they were alone together.
I really want her to understand me, and the little times when she has talked to me like a mother, she seems to have done that but she continues to ignore what she knows are problems.
The dynamics of the family we have are also difficult for me to understand, because they seem to change so much, and also as they go through their first few years of marriage together with 2 kids, I know she probably does want him alone. And now with their baby.
My dad works long hours and when he is home she insists he spend all his time with the baby and then go to bed early to be with her. I bought up this problem, but she told me that I had my time of spending loads of time with my dad when I was a baby, so now he needs to spend a lot of time with the baby, I know they do need time to bond and my brother deserves this but I feel resentment now because all of a sudden my dad barely talks to me. Having just had a baby, she too is too busy, and I find myself recurring lonely.
When it comes to whether or not I want her to be a mother to me, I am not sure. My own mother does not text nor call me, and I have not seen her in 6 month, so I feel like there’s an empty space where a mother should be. My dad did use to try, but lets face it, a dad is a dad and not a mum for a reason. I think sometimes that that is the reason why we fight, my step-mum and I. I need a mother and she does not know how to, nor seemingly want to, be mine. The step is a massive barrier, however hard she tries with buying me things. she gets frustrated when I don’t let her get too close, but part of me knows that I am not ready but don’t know how to let a motherly figure into my life. She needs to be patient, and I don’t think she knows how to. If she does, well I really hope she is patient, because the last thing I want to to have no relationship with her at all.
not sure if this was a rant or not, but I hope you step-mothers can maybe understand a teenagers head a little more or something. I know I’d like to be more understood.
My situation is…. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years and when I met him he had kids from a previous relationship. When I met him he had two boys and one daughter. The relationship with the kids and their mother “I thought was a pretty good relationship. I could go to pick them up without my boyfriend. I could attend the birthday parties alone, if for some reason their dad had to work and couldn’t make it. Let me remind you we have been together for 9 years now as of November 2012, the kids were four and five when I met their dad. The children are now thirteen and fourteen. My boyfriend and I also have a 7 year old daughter together. I can honestly say “when my daughter was born is when the relationship with the kids mother kind off went down hill. In July of 2012 the kids moved in with us for good, which wasn’t a problem for me at all because my daughter was happy to have her siblings around all the time instead of just having them on the weekends. Things are good with the boys, but I feel like with the daughter I have to compete for some reason. I feel like when I discipline the boys there is no problem at all, but when I discipline the girl there is always a discussion after words. I stated to my boyfriend “that when he is away from home I am in charge! I know that I am not their mother, but I am an adult and I need the same respect they give you. I dont mind the thousands of hugs, sitting on his lap, or the cards she make for him at all, but I have to be honest, I did get upset at one card she made for him telling her dad “she wants to be his everything. The one who can keep all his secrets, the one he can depend on….. and so on….. I thought to myself “that sounds like something I’ve said to him before. That sounds like something I’m trying to build with him myself. I don’t like the fact that when she goes to her mothers for the weekend she comes back home and gossips with her dad about things going on in her mother household or the tone she uses when talking to her dad. Our relationship has went south, because all we do is argue about this. Can someone please help
Grow up people. I’m reading these stories of how hard it is to be a stepmom, and it makes me sick. When you married your spouse, you accepted your role and responsibilities. That includes treating your step children EXACTLY the same as you would your own child, loving them the same and giving them the same, and forgiving them when necessary. YOU accepting the parental role, not the role of a child or someone to be taken care of. If you felt you couldnt do that, you shouldn’t have gotten married to someone with children. Period. The children were there before you, and no matter your age or theirs, you stepped into the role as pseudo-parent. NOT their mom, or dad, or friend or aunt. It might be a hard line to toe, but you made your own bed. You chose to marry their father, the children had no choice. You are all posting how horrible the stepchildren are, but that your kids are good. Wow! What a coincidence it is the same for all of you poor people!
As a stepmom, your job is to do everything in your power to respect the bond your husband has with his children. They don’t like you? Tough. You feel it’s tough to help raise them? To bad. Quit being selfish and realize the lives of the children and their well being is more important than what you think or want.
So now you married your man, and thought the children Would grow to love you, listen to you and do as you say. Perhaps you thought their own mother would do as you like, leave you alone or whatever. Wrong. He married HER first, not you. His children come BEFORE you. And if he doesn’t act accordingly, than shame on him.
So many adults in our world are screwed up today because of divorce. Everyone likes to pretend that if two people get divorced, it all works out o.k. And second marriages can be wonderful! We seeit ont.v. All the time, so it must be true, right? Wrong.
Of course some marriages end up in divorce, and yes often the divorce is better for the children. However, it rarely is better for the children to the have a new stepparent that turns their world upside down. Dont like your stepchild? Tough. Grow up. You made your choice. Get mad at me for posting this if you wantbut it’s the truth and you know it. Your job as a stepparent is SECOND to your husbands relationship to his children, just as his relationship with you should come second to you relationship with your children. You didn’t have to get married. And it is not the children’s responsibility to make you happy. It is now YOUR job to make them happy. This doesn’t mean spoiling them, or catering to them. It means loving and respecting them, and realizing that you have destroyed everything sacred in their lives and you should spend the rest of yours making it up to them.
Grow up and become adults.
I am very impressed with your emotional maturity. I’d like to quote you in my upcoming book for Stepmoms… and perhaps I can help. Are you open to being contacted? Thanks, Joan Sarin
I’ve yet to go through all of these comments, but I will say that the article, along w/ many comments, definitely made me feel less alone.
Although I agree with Julies January 2nd 2013 post that the children are going through so much and a stepmom ( dads girlfriend ) chose to be in this situation ( etc etc ), I firmly believe that the childrens fathers behavior sets the tone for the whole family dynamic regarding stepmothers and stepdaughters.
I am currently living with my boyfriend who has 2 daughters, ages 4 and 10. For the most part, I get along with the girls really well. The only issue(s) we have are about respect, but they are CHILDREN and I’m not fully sure the lack of respect is even a ‘stepmom/daughter’ issue–it really is more of a ‘ Daddy lets us do whatever we want in his house ‘ issue.
I wasn’t able to really voice my opinion / aggrevation about that at his old house but now that he’s moved out and we have our own home together, the kids are still doing as they please and I want their father to set the rules for our home but being that he sees them only every other weekend he flat out said he basically has ZERO intention of providing any firm discipline. One example FIRST night in new house- I say to 4 year old- please eat that pizza in the kitchen. ‘ No I wanna go here ‘ fast forward to her pizza falling on new floors. I say please pick that up. she replies no its dirty– Dad says you better pick that up- she doesnt and dad to the rescue picks it up off the floor as steam flew out of my ears. NOW, IM FULLY AWARE that is not an ‘ end of the world ‘ example and that things could be so much worse. My fear is that she’s only 4 and if shes so ‘ whatever ‘ now– how is she going to be when shes 10 and so on??
On the other hand, I grew up with an extremely doting father who thought that I could do no wrong and I was very very spoiled. So, not only do I see the irony with the possible initial attraction I had to my BF b/c they do share many qualities, I try to put myself in the childrens position when they visit and I think of what my dad wouldve or HAS done for me and things are put into quick prospective.
This life is not for everyone, BUT, communication is definitely key and if you love eachother and can be honest with one another it’s a life worth living.
Amen to that, Julie!
My bio mom ran off to have a brief affair with a married guy when I was 11 and dumped me on my dad who was about to remarry a divorced woman with three kids. He adopted her kids after they married but she did not adopt me.
She made it clear to everyone but him (very two faced and manipulative) that I was not welcome in their home and they sent me back to my mentally unstable mother. Stepmother made it clear it was me or her and he picked her and her kids. Dad paid the bare minimum in child support, and for three years, paid none. Thanks, “Dad”!
By the way, I was by everyone else’s point of view (save for stepmother and her meddling mother) a good kid: shy, good grades, never lipped off or talked back. Damaged by my own mother’s lack of interest in me but tried so hard to fit into my dad’s new family and to “earn my spot there.” Even called stepmother Mom. I wanted so badly for her to like me, but she later confessed to a family friend that “she just didn’t like —– very much.”
Thirty years later stepmother is a prescription drug addict who posts incoherent ramblings on Facebook. She has lost most of her friends.
She’s been estranged from her siblings and all but one of her bio children, who despite wealth and opportunities, have never been able to hold a job or stay married.
And me? I’ve been happily married for nearly two decades and have some wonderful, kind and well adjusted children. My so called Dad wonders why I don’t bring his only grandchildren around, but I remember all those years ago that he shirked his responsibility to me. He’s never tried to make amends, and his wife is still rude and passive aggressive, so we stay far, far away. I will not subject my children to that woman or the invertebrate she married.
If there’s anything positive that came out of this situation, it is one thing: I’ll stay married through thick and thin so that my children will never ever have a stepmother.
Really Ms. Sarin? It is obvious to me Julie is a child dealing with stepparenting and blended family problems and whether she is 30 or 16 she still has the mentally of a troubled and resentful child who parent, one or both, has reconnected with a new partner. I also expect she is an only child. I am certainly not interestd in any further ‘insight’ from this child.
Wow Julie…let me guess- you were left for another woman? or are a stepdaughter? Bitter, much? It most certainly is not the job of the stepmom to cater to any brat child nor is it the fault of the stepmom that the parents couldn’t work it out. Children are given far too much these days as it is. There needs to be a mutual respect and boundaries set on both sides. It is not a free for all, take advantage of- type situation. That does nothing but create resentment and tension. Being an adult and “growing up” as you say- means having a “healthy” relationship not one where you are a slave to your stepchild’s needs. Absolutely not. You have got it ALL wrong girl. You are doing more harm than good by being so angry towards someone who deserves respect and may actually be a better role model to your child than you are.
Thank you for this great article. From reading some of the responses, it is clearly that many stepmoms are in pain, hurting a lot. I am guessing that many of the stepdaughters are in pain as well. Hurt people hurt people.
Being a stepmom myself I can relate to some of the challenges. At times being a stepmom truly feels like the least thankful role anyone can have. I have decided to push forward and create a good home for everyone involved.
I have quote that helps me: Wisdom comes from wrestling with despair and never letting despair have the last word.
@Julie – I don’t have children, so telling me that I should treat my step-children as they were mine doesn’t mean much to me. They were nice children before I married their father. They became mean, hurtful, and disrespectful once their father moved in with me. They visit every other weekend and when they are here, I am uncomfortable in my own home because I do not trust them. They lie and throw me under the bus any chance they get. They have even gone so far as to post nasty things on FB knowing full well that the entire family including my parents and siblings will see it. They have proven over and over again that they hate me and will do what they can to make my life miserable. I agree that if I knew they were monsters, then I might not have married their father. The way I see it, they deceived me by now showing their true colors until it was too late. You said with such arrogance in so many words that we should quit complaining because we know what we are getting into… well, that isn’t always the case, now is it? I did nothing to ruin their lives, as you stated. It was their mother that ran off with their father’s best-friend. How am I to blame for that? Why is it my responsibly to make up to them what they mother ruined? If anything, I am responsible for bringing their father out of a deep depression which has only improved the relationship they have with them. In fact, there was a time when they thanked me specifically for doing so. In my opinion, I have done so much for them that is not appreciated and I do not deserve to be treated like garbage because I DID NOT RUIN EVERYTHING SACRED IN THEIR LIVES. Why don’t they direct their anger at the person that created the whole mess to begin with? I believe it is because they are selfish, entitled children that lack discipline. I had step-parents and never did I disrespect them or purposely be mean to them. My step-children are MEAN in a very intentional way. I always honored my step-parents because I wanted my parents to be happy. My step-children could give a rat’s ass about their father’s happiness as they continually demonstrate their lack of support as often as they can. All they care about is money and their own wants and I say “want” because we already provide them with what they “need”.
@2close2home, AZp – your response spoke to me because it resembles my situation very closely. The entitlement and money-focused attitudes are really hard to be around because they do not follow my or even their father’s values. I just wish he would take a stronger stance on their bad behavior. He has allowed them to treat him like crap for so long (probably because of the guilt from the divorce after their mother left him) that when I stand up for myself, they are shocked and call me a she-devil. I feel it is my societal responsibility to set boundaries because most of the people they will encounter in life will not tolerate this bad behavior. Or worse yet, they will attract and/or be attracted to doormats or unhealthy partners as a result. How am I helping them if I look the other way and not demand respect? Unfortunately, I lack authority and/or control on how they were/are raised. Being a step-parent is really, truly a thankless job!
Perhaps switching hats. I am 20 years old, I am sitting here finished. Empty. My mother passed when I was two and my father remarried a couple of years later but as far as I am concerned my step-mother has been around since time immemorial. She is the only mother I have ever known and calling her step mother feels blasphemous, my mom, my mother! I found out aged 5 or 6 playing in the garden with neighbours kids, rocked and changed everything. Fear gripped my heart, I wondered if she loved me even if I wasnt her own by blood, I wondered if there would ever come a day she would stop loving me. I promised Myself I would do everything to keep her love make her proud, make her and daddy proud…I work hard, strive for best it’s the environment I have been brought up in, hard work and being the best doing the best, discipline, respect for elders and I suppose am fortunate that the people I call family know no hostility and are welcoming to outsiders. I’ll say my mom is harsh when it comes to discipline, I have never miss shaved terribly I terribly more expected misdemeanor, messy room, forgotten chores, home late…am not one with behavioral problems always excelled at school and am shy and prefer being in the background. Hitting the teenage years a lot of confusion dealing with my dead mom, dealing with my mom being my step mom trying to make sense of things I wrote and wrote a lot. Forgot to mention there were two of us me and my younger sister Tina from my deceased mother and eight years later my halfsister Lindsay . Tina also wrote and we discussed it, I felt anger at the situation, at finding out about my deceased mother (Nina) and my Stepmom found these as well as Tina’s ( she does a lot of dark poetry and assumed Attack ( she had every right) I spiraled in highschool. Round about highschool era the talks began on all the sacrificing she did for us, and how she felt we were hostile towards her, how we were secretive and general bad seed and the reminder “I know I am your step mother but…” the pain in those words, the reminder in how we are not Truelly hers, I have never had an argument with her, elders are to be respected and truly I fear her, she has been the main disciplinarian (my father is for when things get serious) I never chat back I try so hard to adhere to the rules, set for us, to be respectful, compassionate. It’s confusing when I am made her confidant and yet she will turn around and tell me how lazy, unambitious, spoilt, proud I am. I am stuck playing this villain perhaps knowingly but sometimes I don’t know. I feel she will never truly love me and I cannot understand the hostility and resentment she suspects when I feel none of those things, maybe i should voice how I feel, am afraid though it might worsen the situation too much gets lost In interpretation. That one persons words, averted eyes , gestures can totally destroy you I never knew. All I am thinking i have never made my mom laugh, it’s always been frosty between us, I have been in denial about this for so long but as i open my eyes I see it the distance. It’s reached a point regardless what I do, I will never have that connection with my mom/ step mom, I will always never be good enough, always something I do will irritate her and every word, every action, every reaction measured. It seems that is it in stepmother/ stepdaughter relation everyone walking on eggs or bending over backwards trying to be considerate. I wonde if we were honest in our feelings, true in our dealings of each other would things be better, ues there would be nasty fights but heated words right now beat this passiveness, politeness and fear of hurting her. I agree with Julie that in marrying a man with kids expect the difficulties ,being a mother is a thankless job regardless how you came to be a mother, love should be unconditional and as heartbreaking children are they must be forgiven something’s they say/do – do you know the power of fear- I don’t think I will ever be forgiven the mistakes I have made the things I have said but repetivrly reminding a someone of the lack of blood between you hurts hurts so bad, alienation, isolation. I think both parties suffer that a sense of isolation from husband and his kids and from dad and his wife. Hostility! Hostility! It hurts when you are cast the villain.
Hi. I am a stepson very desperate to get the bestfriend bond that I has shared with my stepmom back, and am looking for ANY advice I can get. This will be long but PLEASE READ AND LEAVE ANY ADVICE THAT YOU MAY HAVE. I REFUSE TO LET THIS TEAR MY FAMILY APART!!!
My steopmom, Dana, had literally been my best friend since she and my father started dating after my parent’s divorce, about 15ish years ago. WE did everything together- watched scooby doo marathons, played n64- even made my father and older brother go fishing so we could have what we called “special night.”
Dana had taken the full role of parent on. My biological mother and I are estranged, and have been since I was 15. I am 21 now. She married an all-around abusive husband who called my brother and i selfish to our faces before we had both hit 10, but he made it clear that I was the one he hated most. He told my mother that I would dance upon her grave the day I died because I married my dad. He hit things out of my hands, kicked down my door…. One time he threatened us so badly that I called my mom, to which she replied “I’m at work, just call 911 if it gets out of hand.”
Even before I had moved in to my father’s, Dana had been the one who bought my brother and I clothes with her own money, drove us to school functions, etc. That didn’t abate when I moved in with her. Up until recently she has been the one telling me to stay in contact with my mother in case I wanted to repair our relationship again. In short, the woman is a saint.
Things were good until my senior year in high school. Although I had been accepted by a group of friends, my mother had never really let me socialize with kids my own age, so it was hard to maintain friendships because I didn’t know how (and still kind of don’t to this day.)I was stressed out becuase of that, adjusting to a new school, unrequited love, sorting out my sexuality, applying to college…a culmination of things that got me into a horrible funk, which 4 years later I don’t feel that I have left yet. I was apathetic and unresponsive, which irked Dana because she is a talkative Italian BIG on communication. So we started arguing about that, although looking back those arguments weren’t too severe because they had disappeared by the time I graduated. The summer actually had left us on prety good terms.
My freshman year in college I met a girl named Sara, who I have been very close too ever since. We did everything together, even when I was dating my final girlfriend, Eden. Sara, Eden and I were friends, so when Sara asked to hang out at the mall alone with me while Eden was on vacaton i thought nothing of t. Neither did Eden, cause I asked her too.
Dana thought that Sara was trying to move in on me, but I assured her that she wasnt. This led to an hour long discussion/argument in which Dana posed the “You use your judgment, Drew.” I did, and hung out with Sara.
When I got back Dana and I had a disagreement, which I had vented to sara over facebook. Sara responded “What the hell, she doesnt know me.” Looking back now I shouldn’t have let her talk that way about Dana, but I was frsutrated so i let it slide. I’m not sure how, but Dana found out about the msg, and we had a big fight. She tried to stress “blood is ticker than water,” but I maintained that I had done nothing wrong. To this day, if I saw i’m going to hang out with Sara dana gets lvid. She told me that Sara is a horrible influence on me and that she manipulates me. While I don’t think this is true, i will admit that I have lied about my whereabouts because I didn’t want to get an earful later on. Sara has been a friend to me, but she has also been THE major source of contention btwn us. Dana feels hurt that I “chose” Sara over her, and I feel guilty because of that. As a result, Sara and I have had our ups and downs, usually centered about Dana. Obviously if I had to save someone from a sinking ship I’d choose Dana, but I didn’t think Dana had any right to say who I could and couldn’t hang out with, regardless of whether or not I’m under her roof.
Dana also thinks that i’m lazy and apathetic. I want to disagree with her, but I can’t. It’s a little scary, but after reading all of the posts before about stepmoms describing their kids as “passive-aggressive” who say “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” as responses to everything and who have been neglected by their mothers, I’m horrified to think that that’s what i’ve become and that that’s morst likely how she feels. Dana has become noticably more aggressive not only towards me but towards my father and both my sisters, when they are too young to have done anything. Biting my tongue and seeing her acti this way towards them has caused me to lose much respect for her, which I feel guilty over.
Tongiht her and my father had a screaming match because I forgot to fold the blankets on the couch like they had asked. She told me that they never used to argue about anything, but now every day and night they have some disagreement over me. She threw a glass of water in his face and stormed out. This happened while my two younger half sisters (4 and 8 years old, only distinguishing them as “half” to convey that dana is their bio mom) were in the living room. Livvy (8) is starting to act differently towards me, and I can sense disappointment with me. It’s not an issure of Dana loving them more than me- I expect her to. Hell, I love them both more than my brother or father. It’s an issue of them having normalcy in their childhood when I couldnt.
Recently Dana has restrcited the amount of time that I’m allowed to spend time with them. I haven’t fought it, but this has been the hardest to swallow, not the screaming threats of divorce or her telling me that i’ve ruined her life, that she hates who I’ve become or that i’m selfish. I would never be able to forgive myself knowing that I might be the cause of such dysfunction in my sister’s lives.
Dana and I can’t agree on anything- friends, hobbies, college. Where before we were like the same person. The main cause I’d have to say would be Sara, but after reading all of the burden that stepkids can be I’m wondering how much of this could have been avoided.
I feel alone. i’m losing my family and friends. Not just sara, but nobody really hangs outwith me anymore because i can’t commit to anything or i dont feel like doing anything. I’m pretty sure i have some form of depression. I’m not suicidal, but I dread waking up and dealing with my family or anyone else leaves me feeling anxious. when i hear footsetpes outside my room or upstairs my heart races until they are gone. I can barely see my sisters and I feel more alientated from the world each day. I feel like everyting is pointless and am terrified that I’m going to end up alone in the world like my mother, who even though she is married to her husband is truly alone.
I graduate from college in MAy and plan on moving out. Dana has said to my face on many occasions that as soon as I’m done with school that i’m not welcome in this house, and she’s told my father that he might get the boot too. I’m excited for this chapter of my life but don’t want to leave too much tension behind.
Is it too late to salvage our relationship? At the very least, how do I make us be cordial so that she can have a loving, normal relationship with my dad and my 2 sisters?
@ Julie
I agree with a lot of what you say, but I do not think it is a parent’s or step parent’s job to “make” children happy, or spend the rest of one’s life making up for the divorce. Surely the goal is to guide them and show them how to make themselves happy, encourage their successes and be genuinely interested in where they want to go in life. Being a step parent shouldn’t a punishment!
My stepdaughter is 25 and I have spent many years trying to build a relationship with her, and have finally realised that once a child reaches maturity, it really is a two-way street. We both have to work at it but unfortunately for me, it is not always reciprocal and I have to accept that it probably never will be. She adores her father – and he absolutely adores her – and while I have struggled with jealousy a lot – I do respect their closeness. However, she can make me feel like the wicked stepmother just by being around when she wants her father’s total attention, and while I try not to show it, it really hurts. I have spent years not ever complaining when he has taken her on vacation without me and giving them plenty of time alone, but it never seems enough for her. Yes, her father left her mother for me when she was nine years old – something I feel sure she will always resent me for and will always take her mother’s side (her mother has never repartnered) but I will not be made to feel guilty for this for the rest of my life. I want to love her but it is so hard in these circumstances.
I am a step mom of a 14 yr old girl and a 12 yr old boy.I have three boys ages 24,21, and 13 from my previous marriage. My husband and I have been married 6 years. And have 5 year old twins together. I came to this site seeking information about step mom/ step daughter relationships. I appreciate all of the honest comments. I too am struggling with a relationship with my step daughter but I am seeing a pattern among the commenters that the issues seem to start in the teen years. Having my own children who are older, I realize that many problems start in the teen years with even your own children, not just steps!! I was complaining to my dad about her and he quickly reminded me I was not the sweetest 14 year old either! It was a good reality check!
I appreciated the perspective of the step daughters in the comments. It’s a difficult thing to raise children period.it seems that maybe some of the step daughters feel disloyal to their own moms if they have a relationship with their step moms. My step daughter and I hold each other at arms length right now. I am wary of her and she of me. I’m not sure where our relationship is going right now but I certainly hope it will improve over time. I’m giving her space.
I feel so sorry that the step daughters feel so resentful of their step moms. This is a disturbing realization for me but I understand it. My husband and I tried so hard to create a “family” atmosphere(particularly since we had children together) to try to unite our children and forge relationships with all of them. Now, I see that maybe we should have taken a more laid-back approach to attempts at bonding. Regardless, we did this only because we wanted the very best for all of our children and we so desperately wanted them to be happy. I hope that the step daughters who read this might understand that divorce is not ideal for parents either and many people are faced with situations beyond their control that end in divorce. As a single mom, I thought that my children would be better off living in a family environment and I think they are. (I’m not criticizing anyone else’s choices) we have a loving family and I’m grateful for that but at the time my children were not happy about the marriage and wanted to keep things status quo. Looking back, they know that it was the best choice for all of us. I’m going to hang in there and keep trying with my stepdaughter and I wish all the commenters good luck:)
http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=92505222923
This is a wonderful resource to listen to a sermon on any topic of your choosing. This pastor has done a whole series on parenting teens with the eternal goal of shepherding their hearts and preparing them for that day we will all have to face the Lord. He bases his sermon on the book “Age of Opportunity”by Paul Tripp- link provided below. What convicted me most about the message was the truth about idols in our heart—our idols of comfort (we are entitled to our comfort—“no hassles”), respect and appreciation (the “I’m entitled to respect” etc… ) Tripp in his book suggested that we as parents (and sinful humans in general) expect life to be like a resort with people serving us and no hassles. When I read that I couldn’t help but say “Yep, that sounds like me” Age of Opportunity takes the view that we should not view parenting teens as something to endure and survive with marriage, self and sanity intact, BUT as a tremendous opportunity to minister to the children (birth and step) that the Lord has entrusted in your care.
While these sermons and books – do not address the special case of stepparenting, the principles are applicable to all teens (though they may be more challenging to apply in a stepfaimily) BTW- I have been a custodial stepmom for 6 ½ years (my husband was awarded sole custody) My husband and I sought nouthetical (biblical) counseling with a church for biblical solutions in how to parent my very challenging mentally handicapped 12 year old son from my first marriage) But while there, we also sought advice on parenting my 17 year old stepdaughter.
The main book for the counseling was “Gospel Powered Parenting” by William Farley (will provide link below). This is not a how to techniques book but is about addressing those “heart issues “ in our children. For years my husband and I had only been addressing the externals with our children while neglecting their heart (because of our fear of conflict, desire for comfort and peace, laziness, ignorance, whatever……) Now we are trying to address the heart of our children and emphasize kindness , charitable helping out, using kind words, etcc…. The family devotional is a good chance to do this. This has been a journey for us but I believe it is producing fruit .
I confessed to the counselor that I had these persecution “poor me “ fantasies about little “Christ like me” serving an ungrateful and sullen teen and that it wasn’t “fair “ that I was the only one being loving. He told me I was being selfish and I knew that he was right. We are commanded as Christians to love others as ourselves including those who are unlovable. (most teens are not the most grateful , humble bunch) Anyway, I don’t mean to be preachy or holier than thou with this posting; I am struggling with these issues myself and would be ashamed if you could see some of my thoughts I’ve had on the quiet against my stepdaughter . But these books and resources may provide some help as they have helped our family tremendously.
http://www.amazon.com/Age-Opportunity-Biblical-Parenting-Resources/dp/0875526055/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1359558847&sr=1-1&keywords=age+of+opportunity
http://www.amazon.com/Gospel-Powered-Parenting-Gospel-Shapes-Transforms/dp/1596381353/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1359558902&sr=1-1&keywords=gospel+powered+parenting
By the way, my husband has been very supportive and I could not do anything without his support.
I am the mother of one now adult daughter and the step mom of another adult female and an adult male and a 13 year old and a 12 year old girls. My marriage to my husband is my technically 3rd marriage and his 4th marriage. He had the oldest daughter and son with the first one and the youngest two daughters with the third one and the second one was and is totally insignificant as they did not have any children together and has no ties to our world although she has tried to be in our lives from time to time which is just nuts. The first ex with the now adult daughter and son is greedy, nasty, and still to this day YEARS after the divorce and YEARS after the kids have become adults badmouths both my husband and myself because she has a mouth and can and this does greatly effect the kids and the relationship they have with their father and myself. Plain and simple it’s brainwashing at it’s worst! The third ex with the youngest two girls is much the same as the first ex. She was playing nice and being respectful (to my face) at first. She as the first ex suffers from what can only be described as PAS and some kind of other whatever mental issues and most definatly anger issues and feels she is entitled to things that are just not realistic no matter what the dynamics are. In an effort to get along and “co-parent” I helped with the kids above and beyond anything being requested of me (first mistake) and when I came on the scene I noted a HUGE lack of discipline from my husband toward his children (all 4 of them) and a total lack of respect for him was the direct result. There were no boundaries no rules ……. nothing. He was buying his kids “gifts” whenever he saw them or had them which was sketchy at best because the mothers refused to follow court ordered visitation. I personally said enough is enough on the gifting every time you see your kids is playing santa daddy and “buying” their love is not how you show your love. He finally stopped doing that and there was a ton of resentment from the kids because they weren’t getting whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it. then the issue of him never keeping anything in his home for the kids so they were always bored and things would get broken, lost, or just never returned so it became necessary to stop sending things to their mothers with them because lets face it if you don’t have something to occupy your kids with they get bored and a bored child is trouble waiting to happen. so that ended finally and that mother is just about beside herself and comments every single time “it’s for the kids it should come with them when you return them to me” my comment every single time is “yes it is for the kids and when they are with their dad it’s here for their personal use right where they left it” this goes on every birthday and Christmas and any time we purchase something especially if it is an item that cost a significant amount of money. That being said and the fact that visitation is JUST NOW after many years of NOT BEING on track suddenly the way I choose to say things and the fact that I have lost my temper when pushed too far by his children is being brought into question and the fact that I tend to swear when angry. This caused a HUGE blow out and no one was talking directly to me just a bunch of hateful things being said to my husband who then passed them on to me and I of course reacted in kind (basically acted like a spoiled brat to put it mildly). Well the youngest kids and I sat down and had ourselves a little “family meeting” and discussed in detail with no one getting excited and no one being yelled at and no one being criticized just talking things out I personally said that the one looked like she was going to pee her pants she looked so scared of what was going to be said and I made it clear no one was in trouble BUT we are going to talk about everything and clear the air and I WANT to know what it is that is going on in your words and what it is YOU are feeling and what you THINK and what you WANT and what you NEED. This eased things a bit because I added immediately “there has been a huge blow out between your mom and your dad and things being said about me but nothing TO ME. So long story short I grabbed a notepad (I tend to forget things quickly or miss talking about something if I don’t write it down) and went from oldest to youngest and said okay you first “what’s the problem and please do not say nothing I really want to know what is going on because I don’t read minds and if I don’t know what is wrong I can’t fix it and I sure can’t change it” so finally she opened up and said what she needed to say and I listened carefully jotted it down and said okay what else refusing to assume that was all she had to say considering how nasty her mother was being to my husband and the fact that she was not allowing me to pick the kids up as scheduled. So she said nope that was it I am sure that wasn’t but we will get to that I am sure. Youngest got the same thing said one thing that bothered her then suddenly raised her hand like she is in school which always cracks me up when they do that I said yes? she said I have a question for you I said just me or me and your dad? well okay both of you I said okay and what is your question? she said when do we get internet? I literally laughed because wow you could tell where her priorities were and it wasn’t with the problem at hand so I said that is kind of a rule thing so I will write that down as something we will talk about in a little bit right now I want to know what it is that is bothering both of you so I can try to fix the problem or help you understand why it is that it is this way. So we got back on track finished up and determined that most of their problem wasn’t so much with me but with the rules of the home and the fact that I tell them what to do and in their words “yell” at them or “ignore” them (I lost my brother very suddenly and now I am losing my mother and my relatives and I are estranged and the relationship with my husbands family is very strained and the kids on top of that I tend to withdraw and keep to myself or am very grouchy). they wanted to reduce their chores and I said okay I would like to hear what you mean by that because we have pets you are just as responsible for them as we are and your rooms are your responsibility and picking up after yourself is your jobs you are definatly old enough to take care of things for yourselves we don’t need to pour your milk or feed you or dress you or pick up things you leave laying around you are big enough to be responsible and neater. So that all got covered and we reached a compromise on chores and how they would be done and when and how they as the youngest put it should get to have more friends over and we explained that we can’t do it every time and we will limit which friends can come over and which ones can’t based on past issues with that particular friend. they wanted to be able to do quite a few things we do not believe are at all necessary and we explained why for each thing they brought up and even though they may not agree with what we said they do now understand why we do specific things or say no to other things. Internet at their ages I just am not for it but my husband insists we need to give a bit on that so we have reached a compromise on that as well as well as a reward system to motivate them to try harder and get along better with each other, their father, and me. their mother makes a mountain out of a mole hill no matter what is going on and the kids have and still do come to me in particular to tell me “tattle” on their mom or her live in boyfriend and I made a habit of and continue to deflect that by saying wow sorry that happened and all that and I understand why you are upset BUT did you talk to THEM about this and if not YOU NEED TO. this should be the way she handles things with the kids as well instead of immediately jumping down my husbands throat or validating their complaints with complaints of her own and badmouthing us to the kids or where they can hear her and attacking us both whenever the opportunity presents itself. We explained to the kids that when they are here they are expected to show respect to EVERYONE and they are to listen to ALL ADULTS and that I have every right to get after them or as they put it “yell” if they are doing something wrong they need to be corrected and that this IS my home too! That I am NOT trying to be their mom or take over as their mother but I AM their step mother and their fathers wife and as their fathers wife and their step mother I am HELPING their Dad and he asked me to handle certain things and be there to pick you up and drop you off. In the end the kids kind of feel uncomfortable addressing their issues directly and sometimes they feel like they will get yelled at for saying something so I suggested maybe just write it down and hand the note to whoever it is you need to say something to and that is how they should respond back. The idea of personal mailboxes for each of us came up mostly from me because I come up with weird solutions to things and that just popped into my head. They really like that idea and I said okay but if that is going to work you really need to say exactly what it is that is bothering you or what it is that you feel is unfair and why. So I apologized for being so distant and grouchy and finally explained to them why I have been so out of it I guess is a nice way to put it lately and that now that I am aware that I was even doing it I will really work on that and they have my permission to immediately say “why are you so quiet or why are you so grouchy or why aren’t you talking to us” and there was a comment made that I called their mother stupid at some point but could not specifically say when and after a couple of other questions about that I finally said so let me get this straight you “walked into” a conversation your dad and I were having and you overheard me say “stupid” but you have absolutely no idea if I was actually talking about your mother or someone else. they both looked at me and then each other then their dad then back at each other then to me and said well no we don’t know I said EXACTLY and the eavesdropping on adult conversations sneaking to hear what we are discussing if those conversations were meant for your ears you would have been invited into the conversation but you weren’t and you are doing something I like to call “snooping and spying” and it’s going to stop TODAY. I have no problem with you sharing what happens here with your mother BUT if you have an issue with one or both of us or something that is going on here you need to talk to us or use the mailbox idea and we will work out a way to do that without having to speak if that is what works best for you but this “tattling to mommmy” but not talking to us is just not working we do need to work things out here and if you have a problem in your mom’s home you need to work that out over there. This is our home and WE make the decisions here and that over there is your mother’s home and SHE and her boyfriend make the decisions over there. Neither of us has the right to interfere with how things are done in the other persons home. THIS was very long and I apologize for the drawn out dialogue but THIS is what most step mothers face on a regular basis and most of us will NOT let go of the idea that this is our home and the kids home but when they are here they do need to follow the house rules and learn to accept no as an answer and to learn that life is full of limitations and expectations for good behavior and that everyone has to do things they don’t want to do in this case at this particular moment in time they don’t want to be here unless their dad is which is something they do not have a choice in because that is court ordered and they do have to be here until they turn 18 and that is just the way it is and that was also addressed as a thing we have heard their mother say countless times when she is trying to mask the fact that she is plain and simple violating my husbands parental rights and that this is his time and that’s just all there is to it and you may not like it but you do have to do it. I will be more aware of my swearing when I get angry and much more aware now that I have been told that I was withdrawn and not speaking and not listening to you and I am very sorry I made you feel uncomfortable or like you weren’t loved or wanted because that sure wasn’t on purpose. I never want you to feel that way and this is your home too and your feelings and thoughts do matter but you can’t have every little thing that you want and that is something you do need to accept and adjust to. You don’t get everything you want with your mom I would assume she says no I am sure and I am more than positive she yells and I am sure her boyfriend yells too and that is their home that how things are done over there and it’s not our place to say otherwise. They seemed a bit more at ease when they left that day for school BUT are still balking at coming over when scheduled unless they get specific things and I said that is just not going to go well ladies you have to earn things I don’t ever just give you anything. So long story but the point is no matter how amazing you are or think you are somewhere down the line usually quite frequently you will encounter situations that if you do not put your foot down you are toast if you do not listen to the kids you are toast and if you let the ex’s rule your home you may as well pack your bags and leave. My husband is very passive and rarely has any real point of view on anything because he wants everything to just be “okay” just wants to bury his head in the sand and no bad will happen and we argue about that off and on and his lack of back bone with his ex’s. there are mistakes I have made as the step parent that now that I am aware of what it is that the kids find a problem with some of it I will work on some of it will remain the same and they have been told that I will still get on them when they are doing something wrong and that their mother has no say in that BUT I will definatly be more aware of WHAT I say and thanked them for pointing that out. This weekend is the weekend we shall find out if any of what was said to them takes hold. Good luck to all step parents because it is an awful spot to be in to be dismissed like we are just because we don’t have a blood tie. Such is life and this too shall turn 18 and move out
Concentrate on keeping your MARRIAGE a healthy one and make sure your spouse or significant other is BACKING YOU UP without his/her support you may as well just leave it’s not going to work out and there will be so much resentment and bitterness it will be hard to trust or allow another person to enter your world without anger issues. Most of all take time for YOURSELF and BREATHE!
I found this website by searching the internet, and it makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in feeling like this. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a few years and he has a 3 yr old daughter. For the most part she is a very sweet and nice little girl, however I thought I wouldnt have to deal with certain things until she was older..and I was wrong. I have already been told how her mother does things, etc. and while I try to remember shes just a little kid, there have been things that have hurt my feelings. I dont feel right disciplining her, and so there are times when she doesnt listen that I will look at her father and he will be stern and she will do what she is told. For the most part she will listen when its just her and I together, I dont know why she decides when he is there that she doesnt need to listen. There have been days where she doesnt want to go back to her mothers, and others where shes crying saying she just wants to go back to her mothers. I do not have any children of my own, but I do have two nieces and a nephew. I try very hard to make her feel apart of our little family, and I try to have activities planned when she comes so shes not bored as she doesnt have any siblings to play with. There are days though where I feel like it doesnt matter what I do, it will never be enough. Her mother is a very manipulative and immature woman, she goes out of her way to make herself look good, she says nasty things about me without even knowing me, has said that the only reason my boyfriend asked me to marry him was because she was already engaged, the list just goes on and on. We’ve had a few bigger fights that stem only from his childs mother and while I try to let things roll off my back and to be the bigger person, there are days where I’ve just had it. My own mother keeps telling me to just continue to be a good person and to be good to his daughter, which I am doing. Its just very hard for every nice thing you do for a child to be picked apart. I know this isnt the childs fault, but there are times where I dont even want to deal with the child because of everything else that comes along with it, meaning her mother. I never say anything mean or bad about her mother, but I dont know how to handle someone like her. I am the type of person to call someone out on their crap, and shes very petty, and if my boyfriend doesnt do what she wants, how she wants it, she will use the child as a pawn and will not let her come over. My boyfriend doesnt want to go through the court because he says hes tired of arguing with her. Its a hard position to be in when you constantly feel like whatever this woman says goes, or that hes choosing to side with her over me. I’ve tried speaking to him about this and he gets frustrated saying things like i cant change my situation, which i totally get, but i feel like hes not seeing things from my point of view at all. Its as if its okay for me to pay for things like everything in her bedroom, or her christmas gifts, or her birthday party, but when it comes to real decisions i feel as though my opinion isnt needed, isnt cared about, etc. I guess Id appreciate any insight on how to continue to build a relationship with his daughter, and how to keep my relationship with her father. After reading these posts, I admit Im terrified as for whats to come with this entire situation. I come from divorced parents and while I love my stepfather more than my real father, I remember saying cruel things and just being mean. Somedays i wonder if i bit off more than i can chew. The part that stinks the most is that i really do like/love his daughter, and i feel as though its more her mother that would push me to just be done with the entire situation more so than her, or her actions.
Hi, my name is Meagan, Im 9 years old. my parents got divorced. And my dad got married,so i live with my dad and stepmother. I hate my stepmother, and my stepmother hates me, and that’s OK with me, I just do not like the way she treats me. She always blames things on me, when i do not do them. And she never does anything with me. And im not afraid to admit, i do have a problem with attitudes but i get it from her. She always gets attitudes and tells me not to, when its pretty hard to do that when i live with her, she always gets them. And most of all, she does not let me have sweets. one day i passed out and woke up in the hospital, the Doctor said it was because i didn’t have enough sugar in my body. all the things make me feel like: like she doesnt want me in her life, like she doesn’t love me, like she would rather have me out of her life, like no one cares about me…And that is why i HATE MY STEPMOTHER.
My situation is a little different than what I have read. I was friends with my husband for many years. I knew his ex wife and daughter. His daughter was 5 years old when i first met her and she took a liking to me immediately I also felt a strong connection to her. I spent a lot of time with her and we did a lot of fun things together. I was also married but in a strained relationship. In the past i only saw my husband as my best friend, there was no physical attraction.. just friendship. Somewhere down the line the feelings changed, they began to feel like a crush. I still ignored it. Staying great friends and enjoying time with his family mostly his adorable little girl. Then when she was 10 years old her parents started to have serious problems. He confided in me that he was leaving his wife, I tried to talk him out of it. He was done!! He was moving out, I remember feeling terrified that he would find someone new. This confused the heck out of me and then it hit me.. OMG i’m in love with him. I did express my feelings to him which i regret at times. It was too soon.
Now we are married and his daughter is 13 and does not like me. I keep trying to get the same love and respect that I once had from her, she liked me up until her parents divorced. I suspect she thinks I caused the break up, I didn’t I’m actually the rebound girl. He is still married to me which i’m surprised by because usually the rebound girl is just the rebound girl. Anyway she is now very close to her mother in the past when they were still a couple she was not close to her mom it was all about Daddy. And any woman that showed her affection. In a way I’m glad she is close to her mom now but I wish she could find a little room in her heart to love me. I still love her and remember that little girl who adored me. She claims to not remember the things we did in the past, it’s like she’s blocked them out. All I want is peace and for mutual respect. I feel like the evil step mother. She is verbally harsh with me and spending time with her is difficult. I never come between her and her Father in fact I have sent them on trips alone as well as the three of us, i’ve tried everything.. even Disney LOL she did like disney and let me spend money on her and then the next day she was back to ridiculing me. I’m going to step back. I will always care for her but I can’t give all of me anymore, it’s just too painful. I’m open to all advice. Thanks
I have 2 adult step daughters & have been their step mom for 20yrs…The youngest step daughter which is 28 has never liked me but I still tried in every way..She had 3 kids the youngest she gave to her boyfriends mama & the other 2 social services took them 3yrs ago…We all knew this was going to happen..My husband & I talked about it & both decided we couldn’t raise anymore kids.. So the court date came & my husband went to the hearing..Then I get a phone call saying we have custody of the kids..Between us we had 5 all from previous marriages..A year before that I was going to take custody of my granddaughter from my daughter but husband said no he wasn’t raising anymore…Just thank God she got her self together & still has her daughter….I am 48yrs old & we have had them for 3yrs..My health is getting bad & I told my husband I couldn’t do it anymore & he told me If I couldn’t do it there was the door…Their mother has done nothing to get them back has only paid child support 3 times the whole time we’ve had them..She does nothing to help out..My thing is he wouldn’t let me take my granddaughter but I am expected to raise his daughters kids..If I can’t my marriage his over & I just don’t know what to do …Any advice would be greatly appreciated
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