Your Ex-Husband’s Wife: The Stepmom
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Relationship issues between ex-husband’s wife and stepmom
You’re the kids’ mother. She’s their stepmom. How do you relate to your ex-husband’s wife? The relationship between the mom and stepmom is often filled with land mines, and it may seem that your life would be just fine, if she wasn’t in it. It’s hard to see your ex-husband’s wife impartially, in any case. Another woman taking your place – with your children – can be hard to take.
Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carol Marine, a mother/stepmother pair who have actually made it work, write in No One’s the Bitch about the factors that can make it a war zone between you and your ex-husband’s wife. The two of them learned through hard knocks how to make a co-parenting plan work, and recently appeared on the Dr. Phil Show together.
If your ex-husband has pegged you as the devil’s assistant, then it’s obvious that your ex-husband’s wife is going to have a skewed impression of you. Badmouthing on either side (you against him, or him against you) makes it almost impossible to get cooperation between the two sides of the children’s family. The important thing for you to know and for your ex-husband to know too is that the real effect of badmouthing is putting your children in the impossible situation of being stuck in the middle between a rock and a hard place. They could get over the divorce so much more easily if you two stop this battle of trash talking one another!
Ex-husband’s wife versus stepmom – no one’s the bitch
It’s not fun to look at our motives for disliking (or worse) your ex-husband’s wife. The authors list some of these motives, which represent our “shadow self” – the parts of ourself that are a bit too ugly to admit (but once we do, we’re actually making progress!).
The motives summarized in No One’s the Bitch are as follows:
Wanting to be right – Our ego is so invested in being right that we will lose a relationship to be right, ever kept a fight going past the point
constructiveness – until you felt you had proved yourself right? Still trying to prove you were the right one from the divorce?
Wanting to look good – It’s hard not to be jealous of your ex-husband’s wife, and not to compare yourself to her. The ego’s best way of doing that? Making her look bad!
Wanting to be superior – Do you find yourself comparing yourself to her (as a cook, as a mom, as a housekeeper, physically, etc) with your kids, trying to come up on top?
Wanting to be in control – I know, you want to make the important decisions in your children’s lives – and when they’re with your ex-husband’s wife, she’s in control – yikes!
Playing the victim – After my divorce, I fell into the victim role with seemingly excellent reason when I tell my story, sympathy starts flowing my way every time. After a couple years, however, I was hit by the realization that playing the victim meant I needed to stay unsuccessful and miserable – what kind of victim has a wonderful life? So, I opted for creating the life I wanted, and letting go of being the victim.
Giving in to insanity and deceit – Ever notice how you can do wild and crazy things when you’re angry enough? How you’re willing to lie in order hurt others? It is insanity; take a look at your behavior regarding your ex-husband’s ex-wife – does this shoe fit?
So before you determine that the entire source of the problem you have with your ex-husband’s wife is ALL her fault, be willing to admit if any of these motives apply to you – even just a little. And whether you find yourself judging her – the way she dresses, looks, manages her home, treats your children, handles money or her career – any of it.
Getting honest with yourself is the first step – once any member of this triangle – yourself, your ex, and your ex-husband’s wife- changes motives, progress begins.
If you or your ex-husband is still carrying baggage from the divorce, this is where the first work needs to be done. That unresolved baggage is what keeps negative emotions alive and what fuels the above motives as well as the endless cycle of bad communication, anger and judgment.
You’re not alone in carrying around old baggage; it’s what we do as human beings, it takes years after a divorce to sort it all out, and it takes a lot of effort to dump it. And your ex may have remarried before you were complete with this work (divorced dads tend to remarry much more quickly than divorced moms).
So, I guess there’s plenty to gain from making her look bad – it makes you feel better.
But, what’s to gain from getting along with your ex-husband’s wife? According to Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carole Marine, plenty! I recommend reading their book and taking their advice seriously to get the whole picture. Right now I’m going to focus on a particular benefit – the biggest one: A better life for your children.
You are not alone by any means in feeling that your ex-husband’s wife is a problem. But the problem with being at conflict is the tremendous drama that’s created in your life, which takes a ton of energy that could be used for living.
After all, there are children in common between you, children who are real people with real needs, who go back and forth, who need to put their energy into developing into independent adults, and who deserve a chance to be whole.
One of the most important things they need from you and your ex- and your ex-husband’s wife – is the chance to love and honor all of their parents. Yes, that includes her too!.
I was fortunate. I saw the advantages for me, and for my son. I had been divorced for seven years and had had a chance to clear my issues from the divorce, and no longer harbored much anger or resentment. I could see that my son was more comfortable visiting his dad when there was a “mother figure” in the home (the household functioned better than he could do on his own); and as a single mom, I really needed the break that his visits with his dad afforded me. I did have to let go of some control (they didn’t do many things the way I would have) and some judgment and jealousy.
But it’s all worth it now, when my grown son says that he feels fortunate for having the advantage of four parents, each of whom provided a unique contribution to who he is today.
If you need help on how to improve relationship between a stepmom and stepdaughter, see online course offered by StepMomSOS
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Nice writing style. I look forward to reading more in the future.
Good post. I hate to admit it, but I recognize my shadow self from the list.
I’ve behaved less-than-stellar with my husband’s ex wife and my ex husband’s wife.
I am past all that now. Time and a lot of introspection has helped me see where my past behaviors helped no one — especially my kids and step kids.
Thanks for bringing to light something all moms and step moms need to look at and consider.
Thanks for your honesty, Glad! Would you be willing to be interviewed for just a couple minutes for The Stepfamily Diaries – it would be of such help to stepfamilies if people in the throes of this could hear from someone who has come out the other side… I’d like to use it in my training video.
Yes. I would help you with your video.
contact me via email glad.doggett01@gmail.com
My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!
Thanks, I’d love to have you join the discussion on the Fan Page StepfamilySOS on FB!
I love this post. I am thinking about buying my self the book and buying the kids’ mother the book for mothers day. i can only hope she wont throw it away without even thinking about the benefits it would have on both of us. I cant wait for the day that pettiness is out the door and happy living is in the air for the kids and us. I hate to see the kids suffering through all the parent alienation and verbal damage to thier mentality. Thankyou!!!
Jesica,
I hope it works out for you! Hopefully it can be given in such a way that she can’t take it the wrong way… You’re so right, it’s the children who most suffer, and that’s probably the best way “in” to improving communications as I’m sure she loves her children, and once she realizes the hurt she’s causing… Watch for a free introduction to Creating a Successful Stepfamily soon – it will include a story from the mom’s perspective on this.
This is just amazing post! It’s showing so true biological mother behavior!
I’m dealing with my husband’s ex-wife now. She would never accept that book to read however it is given or presented. She delights in attempting to make my relationship with my step-daughter miserable. I say attempt because it doesn’t work to the extent that she gets me to engage, but I hate to see what it is doing to her own daughter who is eight. It’s really sad. I wanted to get my step-daughter in counseling so she’ll have a neutral party to talk to but her mom won’t let her. What can I do to save my step-daughters mental health? I talk to her and provide an excellent role model but her struggle is…….her mom won’t let her love me or she’ll be in trouble to put it in her own words. She’s not even allowed to say my name at her mom’s house. Even worse, my step-daughter admits to giving her mom false information about our care for her in an effort to seek approval from her mother. Then the mother lashes out as us. This is a daily occurrence. I need to find a solution for this little girl.
Lisa, have your husband communicate these issues with the school councilor, se. Up a meeting and explain the situation. (assuming your husband has joint legal custody)
As for me I am buying the book. The biomom in my situation would probably never take it. But when I’m finished with it, I will offer it to her.
I would like to hear more about how to deal with my husband not being on a united front with me (his current wife) oppossed to going with what the X says for lack of causing waves and upsetting her… but in the end he and I are fighting.
I feel 2nd in my own marriage.
Again, a fabulous post! I am having terrible trouble with my husbands ex on so many levels. All that makes her unhappy has been attributed simply to my presence. It’s so sad to see what is happening to my stepson in the process. Thankfully, my husband and I are very much on the same page. Unfortunately, the legal system seems to always be a part of our life and is constantly looming on the horizon. I will look for more information on this website and will definitely read the book mentioned in the previous posts. I saw those women on Dr. Phil and have always wished for a better relationship with my “step wife” if you will. I have been a step mother before and never had this problem. As a matter of fact, I am still close with my former step children and their mom 15 years later!! They are healthy and happy adults and she attributes that to the fact that they were blessed to have four “big people” who loved them and cheered them on and picked them up when things weren’t going well. We were the village and all respected and embraced what the other had to bring to the table. In my current situation, mom treats this little guy as though he is merely a possession. He is old enough now to start to question her actions and it is sad to watch.
M
My kids’ step mom IS the problem. She IS the bi%ch. She constantly over steps and treats my daughter better than my son. She offered to take the kids school shopping; spent $200 on my daughter and $20 on my son because he was sick and refused to go with her when SHE wanted to take him. She recently convinced my ex to include my daughter in holiday plans, but left out my son; who is now hurt and disapointed that he will have to miss out on a holidy trip to his dad’s family’s house because they refuse to wait till he gets out of school to leave for the 10 hour trip. I refuse to let her treat my child this way. She also oversteps in terms of discipline. She constantly treats my son bad to “teach him a lesson” when disciplining the kids is none of her business. I appreciate this article, but obviously it doesn’t apply to MY situation.
It wouldn’t hurt for this article to have given some education to step moms about respecting boundaries, not overstepping on discipline issues, not trying to replace the mother, and letting her husband co-parent with his ex wife rather than feeling she has to be in control of something that frankly isn’t any of her business.
Some good advice for both sides. Badmouthing in particular hurts the kids and can leave the parent in the position of having to constantly defend themselves. I would get along better with my kids’ step mom if she didn’t go out in public and tell total strangers that SHE is their mom and if she would let my ex co-parent instead of taking things over. It shouldn’t be about control or being right or interferring when its not that person’s place to do so. It should be about what is best for the kids, and when you can’t have an adult conversation with someone and he uses his wife as a “go between” its difficult to co-parent with an ex like that. It would have been nice to read specific advice for both sides on boundaries and how not to overstep them. I’m sure this happens all the time; but there is really no support out there.
And it would be nice to read an article that isn’t so one-sided.
I just read I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper. You can get it on Amazon or other bookstores. It helped me to deal with so many issues that I had with my fiance’s ex – who I really hated!! Now, my relationship is perfect
xxx
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