Your Husband’s Ex-Wife
Negative Influences of your Husband’s Ex-Wife
How to Deal with the Negative Influences of your Husband’s Ex-Wife
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Negative Influences of your Husband’s Ex-Wife
Dealing with your husband’s ex-wife otherwise known as your stepchildren’s mother can be one of the most trying aspects of stepfamily life. If she is bitter or tries to undermine you as the stepmom, it can make your life particularly hard.
Katherine Maguid, writing in Stepmom Magazine, describes how her husband’s ex-wife told her children that their stepmom was “not a parent and she’s not family”. Ms Maguid was understandably hurt, and writes “I’m not a parent and I’m not family. Are you kidding me? I’m married to their father; hence, I’m legally related to the boys.
I might be a childless stepmother, but I do everything that an ordinary parent does. In fact, I pretty much do exactly what my mother did with my siblings and me when I was young. I make them food, I watch them all day long while they’re with me and their dad is at work, I take them to the doctor, I buy them clothes, I discipline them, I get up with them in the middle of the night when they’re sick or if they’ve had a bad dream, and I bring them to sporting events and camps.
Most importantly, though, I love them dearly and unconditionally. So what differentiates me from a parent, aside from the fact that I didn’t give birth to my stepsons? The act of giving birth to a child cannot be the sole definition of being a parent because look at adoptive parents, they do the same things I do. So, if I’m not a parent, then what exactly am I?”
This is one of the many variations of ways the husband’s ex-wife puts the children in a loyalty bind. Clearly, the husband’s ex-wife in this case has not completed the unfinished business of her divorce. If she had, she would not have such a need to undermine the stepmom to her children. Clearly, she is does not feel secure with herself as a mother.
Very unfortunately, she doesn’t understand that the best gift she can give her children is allowing them to have the love, comfort, and security they need in both their homes. Doing so will not diminish her relationship with her children, but allow it to flourish and will provide the strongest basis for their self-esteem as adults.
- How to deal with your husbands ex-wife
My difficulties with my husband’s ex-wife nearly tore me in two for years. She had been out of the picture for the first years of our stepfamily, and I had thrown myself into a maternal role with my stepdaughter, as the daughter I never had.
Our bonding was abruptly shaken when her mom re-entered the scene and refused to acknowledge my presence or my role. When my stepdaughter’s parents went back into mediation to agree on a new custody arrangement, I had no voice in the matter although I was functioning in the place of a full-time stepmother. There were many lessons for me in that experience, and it took a long time for me to re-make my role appropriately as a stepmom.
Deal with the insults and hostilities privately, not in front of your stepchildren or children. If you insult her back, you will not only be putting them in a loyalty bind, but you’ll stifle further conversation with them, creating a wedge between you. And you can expect that the insult will get back to your husband’s ex-wife, fueling the fire! If your husband can take it, vent to him or talk to a friend or coach, or utilize one of the excellent online forums for stepmoms.
Look at the situation as honestly as you can, and behave in the way you know to be right. In the end, right always wins. And if you refuse to play the game that she’s playing, eventually your stepchildren will see it, appreciate you for taking the higher road, and there will no longer be a prize in it for her. She’ll give up the game.
Try to create a little space between what you’re hearing or experiencing, and what’s going on in your head about it. Can you find a way to give her the benefit of the doubt? Perhaps your husband’s ex-wife has a legitimate reason for saying/acting this way? Maybe there’s a middle ground that can be found? Is there any accuracy that can be found in what she’s saying?
- Get Honest With Yourself
Focus your attention on your relationship with your partner; a strong stepcouple has the ability to weather these storms. Be sure you get the time you need together to nurture your relationship. Ask for support from him.
Be grateful for the aspects of the co-parenting relationship that do work. Whatever you focus on grows; so when you find yourself obsessing about the things your husband’s ex-wife does that hurt or irritate you, switch your thoughts to something positive in the children’s life that she is part of.
Set your boundaries. If your husband’s ex-wife clearly oversteps her bounds, stand up for yourself with your husband and ask him to back you up. This is easier said than done, and may require your stepping away from the situation to protect yourself.
Lastly, recognize that you may have to be the “bigger person” in the extended family. You may have to keep giving kindness and understanding for a long time before your husband’s ex-wife turns around. To do this, it’s important to believe and visualize that harmony will eventually prevail.
The children are learning from your example, and that example is more powerful than you can know. I was absolutely determined to get beyond the impasse with my husband’s ex-wife, even if I had to kill us both with kindness.
And, through a seemingly unrelated event, when my stepdaughter was 16, my husband’s ex-wife got over all her hostility, rather suddenly. Perhaps we were just lucky, but I believe it was due to all our efforts and prayers over those seven years.
I must admit it took some shifting of my perspective as well, to discover she was not the person I had made her out to be, either! Since then, we’ve had better and better communication and respect all around. And I can’t even express the difference it has made in my stepdaughter’s well-being and the development of her relationships with us all!
Need help? If you are, online course can aid you fully on how to handle and deal with the relationships on both ex-husband’s wife and stepdaughter.
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I agree with a lot of what Katherine Maguid has to say. I have drawn a lot of similar conclusions myself. I used to think my husband’s ex-wife was horrible until one day she told me how much she appreciated me. I thought,”Really???” After that I saw her in a different light. I realized that she wasn’t necessarily threatened by me, just a little insecure. She was struggling in a new career and was trying to navigate that, parenting and single life all at the same time. We’re not the best of friends but I think we both recognize that we want the best for the kids and that’s what matters the most.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience; what a difference a comment like that can make! Our whole perspective changes. I’ve never gotten that kind of positive feedback from my husband’s ex, but her SISTER told me that they both appreciate what I’ve done for my stepdaughter…. hey, I’ll take it from anywhere I can get it!
My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. He has 3 children from a 12 year marriage. They are 17, 16, and 13. We have a 3 year old son together.
I have yet to meet the BM. She refuses to meet me, talk to me, or acknowledge me. She lied to the children when me and their father first met and blamed me for their divorce. Thus, the kids refused to be around me for 2 years, although I was married to their father. It wasn’t until our son was born that they wanted to come around and it took 3 years for the eldest daughter to even meet me. We live 300 miles away from the kids and the BM refuses to bring the kids halfway to meet us so we can pick them up. If we want to see the kids, we have to drive 5 hours there, and 5 hours back, which takes up an entire weekend just driving. Therefore, we rarely see the kids because they don’t want to drive all that way(can’t say that I blame them) The only holiday they actually come around for is x-mas. The kids and I get along great and they love their brother. He loves them. BM hates when they are here and calls them constantly and guilts them that they left her at the holidays. Once they were with us and a snowstorm hit, preventing us from getting the kids back on the day they were supposed to be returned. The BM flipped out and called the Sheriff’s office to claim we had kidnapped her children. Luckily, they were able to explain to her that their father had visitation rights and she could not infringe upon them and the weather was too bad and the roads were closed down and she needed to get a grip.
The worst part is that she receives a hefty amount of child support from my husband and has nothing to show for it. The kids tell us that the bill collectors are always calling and we even receive collection notices in the mail when they can’t find her. They never eat at home, every meal is eaten out. We have to buy their school clothes, supplies, etc. and fix the daughter’s vehicle so she can get to work and take her siblings to school.
The kids are hesitant to acknowledge me. The girls never call me by name and rarely initiate a conversation w me. When I ask them something, I typically get a short response. The son, whom has spent the most time with us, refers to me by a nickname only he coined a summer ago. That has eased the situation considerably. The kids are VERY loyal to their mother despite their disgust with her in regards to their financial situation.
My husband gets irritated with the BM and hurt by the kids. He does and does for them. Any extra money he has, he gives to them. Pays for just about everything, in addition to his child support. But they rarely come see him and we have even driven all the way down there for them to stand us up to go w their mother to a family function or to hang out with their friends. I think this is highly selfish and the BM should support them seeing their father. She tells them he was a horrible husband and a bad example. She tells them that I tore them apart when I never even knew them until after they were divorced.
Because he feels obligated to pay for them, I am responsible for paying all the bills in our home. I pay the mortgage, car insurance, groceries, phone, gas, water, x-mas gifts, etc. Everything. He has no money after support, health insurance, and additional support he gives them. This really bothers me but I never say anything because I don’t want to be insensitive to him helping his kids. He is very sensitive to their needs and if I say anything negative, he blows up. I have learned the hard way that I just come second or third. Even more irritating is that he will drop me and our son to tend to their drama or BM’s drama.
We have gone to counseling and I have tried to set boundaries, but he does what he wants and when it comes to his kids, there is no arguing with him.
I love my husband and admire his dedication and unconditional love for his children. He is a fabulous father to all his kids and would do ANYTHING for them, without hesitation. I enable this behavior because he knows I’m there to pick up the slack and the pieces of his heart every time they lie, stand him up, or just plain cut him out of their life only to call him when they want or need something. Sometimes I convince myself that I’ll get my turn when they are grown and gone. But somehow I don’t think that will ever come to pass and I’ll always be #2.
I rarely talk about this because it just hurts so much. I have to be strong for him because if I’m not there to hold everything together, it will go spinning out of control. But I feel alone and wonder who will be there for me? A luxury I can’t afford at the moment.
Any comments are appreciated.
Beth, this is sure a tough one, and a situation that is too common for stepmoms! It’s very admirable that you support your husband in being there in every way for his children. However, it does seem that things are out of balance. I hope that you’ll have him read the blog post “Open Letter to Dads” in this site, and take the free intro class together. Your couple strength needs to improve so that you can work this out together. If even one of you takes the Stepfamily Success Course, you will get a tremendous amount of information that will help you to determine what is normal and appropriate, along with strategies to work through these issues. Thank you for reaching out, and I want the best for you and your family!
I have a question and if someone could help that would be very helpful. My former wife and I were married for 18 years and had 2 children which are now both early 20′s. Last. Nov we had a birthday party for my mom. My two brothers and I planned this and made a list of who to invite. I clearly stated that I do not want my ex invited but my kids yes. My brothers said they would take care of it, in the end my daughter invited them. Ever sine then my ex comes to all of my family her former families functions.
My dad just passed away and she was at his bedside for this. My current wife strongly feels that she should not be there nor invited or not and not also just show up. My ex does not feel like part of the family nor is treated like one.
In short, my son calls me tonight stating that him and his sister my kids want my ex their mom as well as me at any family functions, that it is my ex’s decision to decide if she and her husband wants to come. Again, my family on their behalf only and not asking me made that decision. Feel they are wrong, that my kids don’t honor me and my one and only simple request, but rather question me,something I never did to my father.
What can I should I and my current wife do?
Kevin
I’m newly married, and struggling with my husbands ex. Although we are all older and their kids (3) are 15, 18 and 20, she inserts herself into our relationship in awkward ways always using the children as her reason for doing so. For instance,before moving here to be with my then fiancée, she sent me a message wanting to know who was paying for my trip, and where would I be sleeping? This was the first time I’d ever spoken to her. It felt intrusive to say the least. Then, minor things like leaving an undermining comment on my husbands loving FB status that he left for me. Then again, sort of threatening to tell the kids that I was the reason that a family bible study was “over” which was her doing. In reality, we just asked for a day change in the week simply so we could go to church together as a family. It was going to be her way or no way in that endeavor. And less than 24 hours after we wed, she was on the phone making her feelings about our vow taking somehow all about her. It’s bizarre. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel vulnerable. She has said on more than one occasion that she didn’t want me to interrupt her very tight knit family.
For context–she and my husband were divorced 8 yrs ago. She wanted the divorce and has remarried 7 yrs ago. My husband being the wonderful man that he is, has completely forgiven her and even likes her spouse to the degree that he hugged him for Thanksgiving, and bought him a Christmas gift too. A friendship has managed to shine through their divorce. For that, I’m so very grateful. It just seems that she finds issue with my presence here. And I don’t know how to handle it with her at all. Advise would be appreciated greatly :/
I am tired of hearing stepmothers complain about how they are treated by biological mothers. Did it occur to you that a mother was just a “mother” until someone else stepped in, uninvited by the “mother”, and caused her to stop being the “mother”, and to suddenly be the “biological mother”? And for anyone who married a man who has children already, and an ex-wife, please be aware that whatever you think you know about the situation is likely to be the sanitized version provided to you by your new spouse. And why on earth would you choose to get involved then, if only to complain about the situation later? MANY biological mothers, or ex-wives, whichever under-appreciative title you prefer to use, had NO choice in the situation at all, yet are expected to ALWAYS suck it up “for the sake of the kids” regardless of how litte regard the ex-husband, or “biological father” may have shown for the kids in his marriage, or during his divorce. In fact, how much regard does the typical divorced male, who is remarried, and has his kids every so often, show for his existing children when he decides to father more children, children who sap his already stretched resources (time and money)further? As for the comments about “my husband pays child support”….well, contrary to what many people think, child support as determined by law, normally represents a reduction in the amount the father would have previously paid towards the financial well-being of his children, when he was living with his ex-wife (the biological mother). Often, the biological mother has been a SAHM for years, and will never re-enter the workforce at the same salary as her ex-husband. Therefore, her financial contributions constitute a higher percentage of her income, and must be earned at a time when she no longer has the support of her mate. So should she “be happy” that the step-mom is willing to help out? In theory, sure. In reality, no. I would not “be happy” at the prospect of returning to work in a stale career, missing out on quality time with my kids, but doing more work around the house by myself than ever before,without a supportive mate to help mow the lawn or lend an ear at the end of the day, and then being told I should be grateful for help from the part-time Dad and his new wife. Maybe these step-mothers should realize that they at least had a choice – you made your choices – deal with them. I’m sure the children were never given a choice about whether they wanted their parents to divorce, or whether they in fact wanted a new step-parent. And as for the usual pat answer about how welcoming a step-parent into your children’s lives will in no way diminish your relationship with your child – not true. This is a statement made to pacify and reassure and rationalize the unacceptable. My husband and his siblings prefer the step-mother who is fun and vivacious and young, to the biological mother who “wasn’t there for them”. This woman was abandoned by their father, the step-mother was the other woman, she assisted the father to hide assets by keeping items in her name only, and their mother worked two jobs to support them all, put them through school, etc. And yet even grown adults fail to appreciate the hard road she travelled, the injustices she “sucked up”. It makes me want to scream.
I am just now reading this in April of 2011, and do not know if anyone will respond, but I am now in the same situation as Beth.
I am not married to my boyfriend yet, and it is because he has a recent ex-wife and three children. I have met the ex, but not the children. We are at a point in our relationship where we are either going to be together or not. And it largely depends on whether I am willing to put up with him having to pay child support for his kids, as well as alimony to the ex. That would leave me with all of the bills, and little to no money for us to build our relationship.
We want to have kids together, but only if we know that we can make our relationship work through all the financial hardship that is upon us.
Any suggestions in dealing with this stuff????
I read the posting from Beth months after the initial posting, but was amazed by it. I have experienced much of the same “shunning” by my step-children and their undeserved loyalty to their mother. I do want to say that from experience both in personal life and work that you, Beth, need to make sure that what is in the best interest of ALL the kids is taken into consideration. Being a great parent isn’t about giving children every material item they want. He would probably be doing them more of a favor if he set aside money for future expenses like college, cars, etc. and let them figure out things for themselves in the immediate. I also am concerned that you will eventually become very resentful of his attitude toward you and your needs, future, and well-being. I have been supporting my husband and also his children silently for years. I get no credit, and an treated like an outsider or worse. I have gotten to the point where I don’t want to participate in a single thing that goes on with these kids. One is beyond comment, two are just selfish, and the third is oblivious and self-absorbed. Don’t let yourself get to the point where you have sacrificed what you rightfully deserve for kids who don’t appreciate it and where you are resentful of your husband. Remember that material things are not what makes people happy, but it is what makes them unhappy! I am a great step-parent with crappy step-children.
I have been struggling in my relationship with my partner’s ex wife from day one. Although we are not “legally” married, he and I have been together for almost five years and are expecting our first child any day now! When we first got together I was a twenty year old who knew nothing of raising children and his daughter was only a year old. I tried my best and took on the role I never thought I would play until later in life. His ex wife thought I should have known EVERYTHING about parenting and had something to say about EVERYTHING I did. I was young and learning but never got an ounce of understand or patience from her. The sad thing is that nothing has changed and my youth was spent being criticized for things that were very important and new to me. It was everything from doing her laundry wrong to being inappropriate for giving her a bath! I couldn’t believe the accusations flying around and someone making you feel like that for trying to care for THIER child! She even went as far as to tell her daughter not to be naked around her father or I…….this was crossing a huge line with us. I grew up with three sisters and a single mother. To me, all this did was make a young child be uncomfortable around people she should be the most comfortable around. In the years to come she would accuse us of everything from neglecting his daughter to being unsafe. She had gotten burnt at our house and his ex called CPS on us. The one and only time she had ever gotten hurt while in our care…. we were in shock! Over the course of five years she had only ever gotten a burn on her leg the size of a quarter and we were “unfit” to care for her. This is just a few things on a list of about a thousand! His ex also stays in VERY close communication with his parents and it makes him extremely uncomfortable. She asks them for money and things like that. He doesn’t know how to approach his parents or her about this. Any suggestions? Now that we are expecting our daughter, his ex refuses to accept that she will be a sibling to her daughter. It is almost border line crazy. She keeps saying things like ” you are the one having a baby, not him”. It is bizarre. And when his daughter comes she will say things like ” my mom doesn’t want you to have a baby.” It is extremely hard to deal with. I know I should try and see it from her side but sometimes I just don’t have it in me~ I have never talked about it or reached out for advice before, but now that we are starting a family, I feel I have to alternative. What should I do????
Thank you for saying that we (stepmoms) are parents too. In my case, the ex-wife, unfortunately, is more than just bitter, she seems to have a borderline personality disorder. She has told me many times in the past that she is grateful for how much I care about her son, and then all of a sudden the tide turns and for months I endure what I can only describe as abusive behavior. She suddenly decides that I’m not allowed to be in his life and she will block me from picking him up or dropping him off, ultimately disrupting the entire schedule. This has caused many instances of her breaking the custody agreement. It’s very frustrating and it’s been going on, on and off, for four years now.
I’ve very recently started a blog because I needed a forum to vent. I try not to let her actions and words hurt me, and I hate admitting she has that kind of power, but ultimately it’s about the little boy and the chaos this causes him and that tears me apart. Why am I the target? What have I ever done to her? I echo what Katherine said in the article: I bathe him, feed him, kiss his boo-boos, HELP RAISE HIM and all of a sudden I’m not good enough? Now she’s telling him that he has only one mother – her – and that’s it. “Stepmoms don’t count.” While I understand she is his biological mother, of course, I also need recognition for the fact that I have been a mother to him since he was not even 2 years old. He has never known life without me and his father, and her. So why confuse him with these statements? It’s awful, just awful, the mental warfare she wages on him — all because of her jealousy and insecurity.
Thanks for these thoughts on dealing with the ex and for recognizing the parenting role that caring stepmothers have.
Okay…I have a few short comments.
Today, my ex is marrying his girlfriend.
To Beth…it is highly disrespectful to call someone a BM. Call her their mother…end of story. Be respectful of her. Your husband once loved her, she gave birth to his children. In the medical community, a BM stands for bowel movement. Try to turn your thinking around and show this woman some respect. as hard as this may be, given the circumstances. My heart goes out to you with the example you give of your husband paying more than his share, which is his choice, keep in mind. He doesn’t have to pay more. If you are truly unhappy, please get some counseling for YOU. Life is fragile and precious….
To Clare…”undeserved loyalty to their mother”?????? Give me a break. You almost gained some credibility with the rest of your comment…but then destroyed it by saying you want nothing to do with these kids, but are a wonderful stepparent.
To Andrea…I suggest doing some reading on how to manage life with your commonlaw’s ex-wife. There is quite a bit of reading on the internet and books about it. It more sounds like your commonlaw needs to get a set of *confidence* shall I say, and talk to his parents and also get some boundaries set with his ex-wife. Neither of you should have to take abuse from anyone. Try being kind to your commonlaw’s ex-wife. You obviously are younger than she is, the new model…not only do you have who was her man, but sometimes you have the most valuable thing to her…her child. Once you have your own child, you will understand, believe me. Try to see things from her point of view.
Divorce isn’t easy, especially when children are involved. Maybe those coming into the situation should do more reading and education as to how to make things easier on those of us trying to deal with it day by day.
Respectfully, Patti
@ sarah you sound like one of those EX-wives the step mothers are complaining about. The step-mom chose to be a part of their life by falling in love with the father. This however, does not mean that because the ex-wife still has grudges for whatever reason that it should be taken out on the step mother who is clearly trying and is probably intimidated anyway. Have you ever seen the movie Step-mom with julia roberts? I am both the “Biological” mom and step-mom. My children were lucky enough, that their dad married a woman who truly loves them! To me it felt like a blessing in disguise, that she was kind enough and treated my children in such an amazing way that they would love and look up to her. She easily could have been one of those women who are jealous of the children and doesn’t want them around often. I am very appreciative of her for everything that she has done for the girls. It makes me feel better that she can be there when I am not. because my children love her doesn’t mean they love me any less or that I am no longer their mother. But I also don’t have jealousy issues or other underlying problems like some women do when the new step-mom is younger or weighs less then the Mother. That is what most of it boils down to. Regardless of what went on in the marriage it should never be taken out on the children, and they should never be made to feel like they shouldn’t love or accept the step-mom because of the mothers insecurities. I for one love my step mother, she has never talked badly about my mother to me or my siblings and was always there if we needed her, she was also a very good mediator between us and our dad when we needed it. My mother was our sole care taker and provider when I was growing up and I have never once felt like she was never there for me, I love and respect my mother for how I was raised, regardless if I would have had my step mom or not. As for complaining about a “stale” job this isn’t the step mom or the ex husbands problem. Everyone can go to college and receive a degree, my mother did this as a single mother of 4 children under 7, so saying that you can’t earn as much as a man is BS its a woman’s world now doll and more women are hired for positions than men and there are more and more stay at home fathers these days. As far as me being a step parent, I get along fine with my step-child’s mother. We are very civil and usually if she needs an answer or something about when we get the child if she is wanting to swop days she calls me before her dad. I take the child to dr. app’s if needed or go pick the child up from her work when the child can’t go to day care because she is sick. It all depends on how mature both parties are and if they realize that the children are watching everything they do and they learn from them. So yes we made are choice and so did the “biological” moms so deal with them!!
And you say abandoned by the father this was a grown woman not a child!! They divorced. The father of my children cheated and left and I never once felt abandoned, hurt yes, lied to oh yeah, but at the end of the day I still had my dignity and my morals and I knew I would be just fine without him here mowing the grass ect… Children don’t have a choice in alot of things thats why they are CHILDREN!! and we are the parents. Would you let your child decide if you moved, or had another child, or what car you bought, or any other major decision in your life? no and if your answer is yes, then a little advice, we are the parent not the friend.
This is in response to Sarah:
My husband and I have been together for eight years. He has two children with his ex and due in part to them we made the decision long before we were married that we would no have children together. We dated for over a year before I even met his boys, at the time 3 and 9. My husband and I would love to have the kids full time but realized that trying to take them from their mother was not what was best for them. He pays substantial non court-ordered child support ( we are not well off) and gladly pays for medicine, glasses, dentists, clothing, school supplies, yearbooks, field trips etc.as well. He loves his boys dearly and we try to do everything in our power to make them feel loved and supported. We have them every weekend and one evening during the week.
I love those kids to the depths of my heart and soul but I am not their mother nor have I ever claimed to be. We have left the “labelling” up to the kids. If they want to identify me as their stepmom they can, if not they use my given name and tell people I am their dad’s wife and have been with them for years. Their mom is their mom, no ifs ands or buts about it. But they also know that I would do anything possible for them and will always be there for them no matter what. Yes, it’s been tough to have a role that is undefined, but I know who I am, their dad knows who I am and the kids know who I am. That’s all that matters.
Their mom resents me and has not been able to resolve her issues with her divorce, her ex or his eventual marriage to me. I give them love and support, she see’s it as a threat and a competition. She lashes out at me, treats me rudely, and I suck it up. I am determined to be the bigger person and even after all these years I continue to hold out hope that we can one day have something as simple as a normal, adult conversation… but I’m no longer going to hold my breath. it’s not about me, its about them. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, I’m no super woman!
I will continue to be the bonus in my kids lives, long after they have grown and left home. When they make their own adult decisions I know that they will always choose to have me be a part of their lives. That’s my story.
To Beth- I know this post was from a year ago. I hope things are beter by now. I want you to know YoU ARE NOT ALONE. When I read your post I felt like it was me writing it. I’ll give you a bit of my background and then tell you where I am at now. At the very least you may feel a little better knowing you are not alone.
My husband and I have been together abot 10 years now. He had 2 children from previous marriage they were 3 & 5 at the time of divorce. They are now 13 (son) & almost 16 (daughter). We have a 6 yr old and a 3 yr old together (both girls). His ex was the same exact way. Never acknowledged me. Told the kids it was me who broke them up (not true. It was poor behavior on both of their parts. My husband was no angel either and I can admit that). Before the kids ever met me she told her then 4 and 6 year old that I was a witch and had a green face and I was really mean. I found this out when the 6 yr old said “your face isn’t green”. I just brushed it off figuring it was just bitterness and eventually it will fade. We live an hour from his children. not as far as 5 hours but it turns into a 4 hr traveling time to see them because like your BM she always had some excuse as to why she couldn’t meet half way. She always had an activity planned for them in his weekends or holidays. We even had to lie to her about when we were getting married so the children could attend. He pays a huge amount of alimony and child support and pays for activity costs, and medical things. She takes him to court every few moths for something or another and in between she harrasses us through the mail. BM has Never had a conversation with me in the 10 yrs I have been helping to raise her children. Every holiday, weekend , or special moment in our lives has been tainted in some way shape or form by BM. Then we had our daughters. I never made a nursery for my first child because we would be taking one of thir rooms away from them. I sacrificed so much to make the kids lives as happy as possible and for them to feel wanted. When all this stuff started to inturupt our daughters holidays and birthdays is when I started to put my foot down. When my daughter was old enough to realize what was going on and he birthdays were ruined and her father seemed to be playing favorites for his kids. I was not going to allow this woman to ruin my daughters relationship with he father. I am sooty but for once I put my daughter and myself first. Especially after bending over backwards and biting my tongue for 7 yeRs didn’t work! I really had to blame 80% of it in my husband. I know he was in a hard place. He loves his kids so much and actually that is one of the main things that attracted me to him in the beginning. But I also know my daughters and I did NOT deserve the treatment and the 2nd bet place we were in. So I thought about what i needed from my husband and then what was possible for him to change. I set firm boundaries since what I was doing inthe past (biting my tongue and putting everyone else first) was obviously not working for anyone involved. I told him before any change in the agreed upon schedules set forth by the court were changed I need to be included and asked if it were okay for me and our daughters. Afterall I do think I have a right to say what goes on in my own home and with my own husband. I told him that I needed him to treat all the children the same. I told him that if he was sending extra money for his dirt two to do an extra activity then he need to set aside the am amount of money for the younger two. I also told him he needed to go back to family court and make them aware of the parental alienation going on. I talked with him about how the whole last 7 years felt to me i explained to hom that if i were the one catering to an ex he would have left a long tome ago. You cannot negotiate with terrorists!!!! To my surprise, he slowly but surely he understood how demeaned, frustrated, and helpless I felt. He ended up putting his foot down in court, with BM, and with all of his children. He explained to me that he was doing all of these things because of the guilt he felt for “leaving” his kids with such a mentally unstable, emotionally abusive person. I then explained to him that I also felt that way and that is why I allowed this to go on for so long. So in the end my husband , daughters and I became very close, my step kids were even closer for a while too because they felt he was finally stepping up as a dad and not just some push over. However someone was not happy. Guess who. Yup you got it the BM. She tried everything to alienate those kids from us. She wrote things online, told the kids lies, got her family to threaten the lives of my family! All because my husband became the father he was before their divorce and the father he should have always been after the divorce. Eventually the children started to believe the mothers lies. Or they may just realize it is easier for them to just go along with her. I don’t know. All I know is my family was on the brink of divorce (just what the BM wanted) and my husband and I were not having that. My husband has not had a relationship with his son or daughter since fathers day 2010. He says he doesn’t regret the decision because he was doing what is right for all 4 of his kids. He didn’t want to let them grow up thinking that it is normal to behave the way everyone was behaving. In the end he temporarily lost his children because of parental alienation but in his words “I was never able to have a relationship with them. She wouldn’t let me. I was being selfish by staying in my chdren’s lives. It is easier on the day to day for them not having to deal with their ‘mother’ and father fighting all the time. I know in the end they will fid their way back to me and will appreciate the fact that I was the one to sacrifice for them. “. And you know what. He is right. Everything the BM is doing right now will come back to bite her. I personally know this because I was a child of divorce. My father ended up having to do the same thing. And now my dad and I are so close. And I thank him everyday because by him staying away (even though I didn’t know it t the time) it gave me some peace in the day to day life. When I got older I knew why he did what he did. And my momter and I …. We Still are in each others lives but I don’t trust her and I have major resentments. I don’t trust her judgement now. I feel like she always has her own hidden agendas. I have a great relationship with my step mom now and i wiuld never have had that before Ugh. So Beth if you ever see this…. My advic to you is sit with your husband with a glass of wine and just talk. Set some boundaries for yourself and your sons family. He deserves all your love and support just the way us Smoms do for our husbands and step kids. If it doesn’t change your son will be in the same place your skids are now. I still love my Skids an think about them everyday. Sorry for all the spelling errors I just had to get out my thoughts. I hope you get something from this story. I definitely feel better after venting.
Miranda good for you. I tried very hard with my step children but they will not have anything to do with me. One of the children will not visit our house because I am here. I am excluded from everything and if my husband wants to spend time with his child it has to be at the home with his ex because my step child won’t come to our house, My husband is friends with his ex and I feel uncomfortable. When there are family functions he goes with his ex as though they are still a family and I am not allowed to go as his ex wife won’t allow me to. He is annoyed with me for having a problem with being excluded and I think he thinks I am selfish. I can’t believe the way it has all turned out given that, I was to the children, for a long time, the step parent I would like to have if I were a child but it got worse as soon as we married. I am so sad. I can’t stand being in a marriage with a husband who will have to keep going out with his family as though I don’t exist. I would like it if we could show a united front and both be there for the children even though I would never try to take the place of their mum.
Being an “ex” wife I would like to comment from my point. I personally appreciated what Sarah and Patti had to say. It is not all a bed of roses from the “exs” side either. All I can say is I am very glad my children were grown (21 and 18 at the time) when all this went down and were old enough to draw their on conclusions and not have people like some of the people commenting here telling them how they should feel about the situation. We were married 25-years when my ex told me he wanted a divorce (this was thirteen days after being a pall-bearer at my sisters funeral who had just lost a fight with cancer after 2 years and 8 months). He told me there wasn’t anyone else he just wasn’t happy with me and like an idiot I believed that until our daughter and I ran into him and his no one at a Wal-Mart. I then found out that my in-laws of 25-years (people I loved and thought loved me) not only knew he was seeing someone, they had already gone out to lunch with him to meet her. I asked him did you ever think about your children and how they would feel about you seeing someone while we were still married? (He had met her at a bar one of the times I was out of State helping to take care of my dying sister). He said, yes, they had discussed it. I said, yes, and evidently niether one of you gave a rat’s a** about them or their feelings. (Both of them had told me if he had handled it differently they would have felt differently about him and her, that if he had divorced me first and then met someone it would have been totally different, they wouldn’t have liked to see me hurt, but they couldn’t have blamed her and would have even went to the wedding, which was three months after our divorce was final). And as for all the stepmoms just wanting to help, not all of them, some of them just want to take over, act like they are the mother and you never existed. When our son was getting married she tried to take the whole thing over until my (now) daughter-in-law finally had to tell her to just back off, it was her wedding and she was going to do it the way she wanted to it. And then all the lovely notes and letters she sent to me after they were first married, telling me how she was praying for me. Seriously, you were sleeping with my husband, helped (I said help because she didn’t do it all alone he and I were involved) break up my marriage, and then you have the nerve to tell me you are praying for me. So all you new wives out there can tell me what a wonderful person she is (why she is even praying for me), you are entitled to your opinion, she wasn’t sleeping with your husband, so I’m entitled to mine. In a three month period I lost my sister of 45-years, my husband of 25-years, my in-laws of 25-years, and my home of 25-years (we were living on property that had been in his family for 100 years).
@ Sarah, thank you for standing up for the ex-wives.
@ Patti, I appreicate your comments about the “bm”, because I am not a “bm” I’m their mom, period.
@ Kevin you may not like having your ex-wife around and think your children are being disrespectful of you, but you are wrong, she is your ex-wife, but she is not their ex-mother. My children have told me if I’m not welcome with his family then they aren’t because they are part of me too, and if I’m not family then they aren’t family. Try looking at it from their side, you divorced their mom, they didn’t.
@ Christina who says all exs are just old, fat and jealous, my exs new wife is older than me. Her oldest kid is about five years younger than than her now husband. As far as looks go, lets just say she is not attrative, and that is not just me saying so, everyone who has seen her tells me they don’t know what he was thinking. And it wasn’t her personality, anyone who has been around her tells me she doesn’t have one of those either.
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