Your Husband’s Ex-Wife
Dealing with your husband’s ex-wife – otherwise known as your stepchildren’s mother- can be one of the most trying aspects of stepfamily life. If she is bitter or tries to undermine you as the stepmom, it can make your life particularly hard.
Katherine Maguid, writing in Stepmom Magazine, describes how her husband’s ex-wife told her children that their stepmom was “not a parent and she’s not family”. Ms Maguid was understandably hurt, and writes “I’m not a parent and I’m not family – are you kidding me? I’m married to their father; hence, I’m legally related to the boys. I might be a childless stepmother, but I do everything that an ordinary parent does. In fact, I pretty much do exactly what my mother did with my siblings and me when I was young. I make them food, I watch them all day long while they’re with me and their dad is at work, I take them to the doctor, I buy them clothes, I discipline them, I get up with them in the middle of the night when they’re sick or if they’ve had a bad dream, and I bring them to sporting events and camps. Most importantly, though, I love them dearly and unconditionally. So what differentiates me from a parent, aside from the fact that I didn’t give birth to my stepsons? The act of giving birth to a child cannot be the sole definition of being a parent because look at adoptive parents – they do the same things I do. So if I’m not a parent, then what exactly am I?”
This is one of the many variations of ways the husband’s ex-wife puts the children in a loyalty bind. Clearly, the husband’s ex-wife in this case has not completed the unfinished business of her divorce. If she had, she would not have such a need to undermine the stepmom to her children. Clearly, she is does not feel secure with herself as a mother. Very unfortunately, she doesn’t understand that the best gift she can give her children is allowing them to have the love, comfort, and security they need in both their homes. Doing so will not diminish her relationship with her children, but allow it to flourish – and will provide the strongest basis for their self-esteem as adults.
My difficulties with my husband’s ex-wife nearly tore me in two for years. She had been out of the picture for the first years of our stepfamily, and I had thrown myself into a maternal role with my stepdaughter, as the daughter I never had. Our bonding was abruptly shaken when her mom re-entered the scene and refused to acknowledge my presence or my role. When my stepdaughter’s parents went back into mediation to agree on a new custody arrangement, I had no voice in the matter although I was functioning in the place of a full-time stepmother. There were many lessons for me in that experience, and it took a long time for me to re-make my role appropriately as a stepmom.
Deal with the insults and hostilities privately – not in front of your stepchildren or children. If you insult her back, you will not only be putting them in a loyalty bind, but you’ll stifle further conversation with them, creating a wedge between you. And you can expect that the insult will get back to your husband’s ex-wife, fueling the fire! If your husband can take it, vent to him – or talk to a friend or coach, or utilize one of the excellent online forums for stepmoms.
Look at the situation as honestly as you can, and behave in the way you know to be right. In the end, right always wins. And if you refuse to play the game that she’s playing, eventually your stepchildren will see it, appreciate you for taking the higher road, and there will no longer be a prize in it for her. She’ll give up the game.
Try to create a little space between what you’re hearing or experiencing, and what’s going on in your head about it. Can you find a way to give her the benefit of the doubt? Perhaps your husband’s ex-wife has a legitimate reason for saying/acting this way? Maybe there’s a middle ground that can be found? Is there any accuracy that can be found in what she’s saying?
Focus your attention on your relationship with your partner; a strong stepcouple has the ability to weather these storms. Be sure you get the time you need together to nurture your relationship. Ask for support from him.
Be grateful for the aspects of the co-parenting relationship that do work. Whatever you focus on grows; so when you find yourself obsessing about the things your husband’s ex-wife does that hurt or irritate you, switch your thoughts to something positive in the children’s life that she is part of.
Set your boundaries. If your husband’s ex-wife clearly oversteps her bounds, stand up for yourself with your husband and ask him to back you up. This is easier said than done, and may require your stepping away from the situation to protect yourself.
Lastly, recognize that you may have to be the “bigger person” in the extended family. You may have to keep giving kindness and understanding for a long time before your husband’s ex-wife turns around. To do this, it’s important to believe and visualize that harmony will eventually prevail.
The children are learning from your example, and that example is more powerful than you can know. I was absolutely determined to get beyond the impasse with my husband’s ex-wife, even if I had to kill us both with kindness. And, through a seemingly unrelated event, when my stepdaughter was 16, my husband’s ex-wife got over all her hostility, rather suddenly. Perhaps we were just lucky, but I believe it was due to all our efforts and prayers over those seven years. (I must admit it took some shifting of my perspective as well, to discover she was not the person I had made her out to be, either!) Since then, we’ve had better and better communication and respect all around. And I can’t even express the difference it has made in my stepdaughter’s well-being and the development of her relationships with us all!
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I agree with a lot of what Katherine Maguid has to say. I have drawn a lot of similar conclusions myself. I used to think my husband’s ex-wife was horrible until one day she told me how much she appreciated me. I thought,”Really???” After that I saw her in a different light. I realized that she wasn’t necessarily threatened by me, just a little insecure. She was struggling in a new career and was trying to navigate that, parenting and single life all at the same time. We’re not the best of friends but I think we both recognize that we want the best for the kids and that’s what matters the most.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience; what a difference a comment like that can make! Our whole perspective changes. I’ve never gotten that kind of positive feedback from my husband’s ex, but her SISTER told me that they both appreciate what I’ve done for my stepdaughter…. hey, I’ll take it from anywhere I can get it!
My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. He has 3 children from a 12 year marriage. They are 17, 16, and 13. We have a 3 year old son together.
I have yet to meet the BM. She refuses to meet me, talk to me, or acknowledge me. She lied to the children when me and their father first met and blamed me for their divorce. Thus, the kids refused to be around me for 2 years, although I was married to their father. It wasn’t until our son was born that they wanted to come around and it took 3 years for the eldest daughter to even meet me. We live 300 miles away from the kids and the BM refuses to bring the kids halfway to meet us so we can pick them up. If we want to see the kids, we have to drive 5 hours there, and 5 hours back, which takes up an entire weekend just driving. Therefore, we rarely see the kids because they don’t want to drive all that way(can’t say that I blame them) The only holiday they actually come around for is x-mas. The kids and I get along great and they love their brother. He loves them. BM hates when they are here and calls them constantly and guilts them that they left her at the holidays. Once they were with us and a snowstorm hit, preventing us from getting the kids back on the day they were supposed to be returned. The BM flipped out and called the Sheriff’s office to claim we had kidnapped her children. Luckily, they were able to explain to her that their father had visitation rights and she could not infringe upon them and the weather was too bad and the roads were closed down and she needed to get a grip.
The worst part is that she receives a hefty amount of child support from my husband and has nothing to show for it. The kids tell us that the bill collectors are always calling and we even receive collection notices in the mail when they can’t find her. They never eat at home, every meal is eaten out. We have to buy their school clothes, supplies, etc. and fix the daughter’s vehicle so she can get to work and take her siblings to school.
The kids are hesitant to acknowledge me. The girls never call me by name and rarely initiate a conversation w me. When I ask them something, I typically get a short response. The son, whom has spent the most time with us, refers to me by a nickname only he coined a summer ago. That has eased the situation considerably. The kids are VERY loyal to their mother despite their disgust with her in regards to their financial situation.
My husband gets irritated with the BM and hurt by the kids. He does and does for them. Any extra money he has, he gives to them. Pays for just about everything, in addition to his child support. But they rarely come see him and we have even driven all the way down there for them to stand us up to go w their mother to a family function or to hang out with their friends. I think this is highly selfish and the BM should support them seeing their father. She tells them he was a horrible husband and a bad example. She tells them that I tore them apart when I never even knew them until after they were divorced.
Because he feels obligated to pay for them, I am responsible for paying all the bills in our home. I pay the mortgage, car insurance, groceries, phone, gas, water, x-mas gifts, etc. Everything. He has no money after support, health insurance, and additional support he gives them. This really bothers me but I never say anything because I don’t want to be insensitive to him helping his kids. He is very sensitive to their needs and if I say anything negative, he blows up. I have learned the hard way that I just come second or third. Even more irritating is that he will drop me and our son to tend to their drama or BM’s drama.
We have gone to counseling and I have tried to set boundaries, but he does what he wants and when it comes to his kids, there is no arguing with him.
I love my husband and admire his dedication and unconditional love for his children. He is a fabulous father to all his kids and would do ANYTHING for them, without hesitation. I enable this behavior because he knows I’m there to pick up the slack and the pieces of his heart every time they lie, stand him up, or just plain cut him out of their life only to call him when they want or need something. Sometimes I convince myself that I’ll get my turn when they are grown and gone. But somehow I don’t think that will ever come to pass and I’ll always be #2.
I rarely talk about this because it just hurts so much. I have to be strong for him because if I’m not there to hold everything together, it will go spinning out of control. But I feel alone and wonder who will be there for me? A luxury I can’t afford at the moment.
Any comments are appreciated.
Beth, this is sure a tough one, and a situation that is too common for stepmoms! It’s very admirable that you support your husband in being there in every way for his children. However, it does seem that things are out of balance. I hope that you’ll have him read the blog post “Open Letter to Dads” in this site, and take the free intro class together. Your couple strength needs to improve so that you can work this out together. If even one of you takes the Stepfamily Success Course, you will get a tremendous amount of information that will help you to determine what is normal and appropriate, along with strategies to work through these issues. Thank you for reaching out, and I want the best for you and your family!
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