The reality is that 50% of first marriages end in divorce and 60% of second marriages end in divorce, and we still go for it anyway. Instead of feeling either victimized or self-righteous, why not look at yourself and see what it is YOU can be doing to make this world a more loving place, then let go of what and who you cannot control.

In my situation, I have been raising my stepchildren for ll.5 years and the mother only wants her children after her dates, only if she is feeling well, and if it doesn’t affect her life in any way as far as her free time goes…..which she seems to need every week. I have raised these children, put them first before me, have made sure they did well in their grades, and have done everything for them for them including guided them down the right path so that one day they can be successful adults who can take care of themselves. Meanwhile the children (SS 20 yo, SD 15 yo), well the SD wants nothing to do with her mom if she can help it and the SS is starting out in the working world trying to become the responsible adult he can. I call the bio-mom our 55 yo daughter because she hasn’t or refuses to grow up. Her first on an even balance as her men, then her children next if it doesn’t interfere with her schedule or her life. I have had enough of her irresponsibility to the point that I have already ended up in the hospital for a stress related heart attack due the accumulation of the bio-mom putting 100% of her responsibilities on me for 11 years. These are her children and she refuses to be the normal mother to them.

I’m at my the end of my rope and not sure what to do. I have been told by some close friends that they aren’t my children and that the responbility should be put on her. I have become older, wrinkles, tired, worn out,in the last few years and used to look beautiful and used to be a teen model and the stress put upon my shoulders by a bio-mom is taking its toll on me emotionally as well as physically. It’s like her saying to me…”I’m the bio-mom and you are obligated for every whim and responsibility I have and you will take care of my children.”

I love these children and I have taken total responsiblity of them and their needs but the situation has become unhealthy for me to the point of feeling severely being taken advantage of by her. My SD wants nothing to do with her bio-mom. She says she hates her and does not like her and she refuses to visit or call her mom because of her mother’s alienation from her daughter.

I don’t know what to do. I feel lost like I have no where to turn to anyone to talk to. That is why I am asking for advice here.

Please help.
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Almost every post I have read here defending ex-wives reads exactly like everything stepmom’s find frustrating about them (with a few lovely exceptions). You have not defended yourselves, you have only proven what I as a stepmom feel as being valid.
You sound bitter and vindictive. Jealous that another woman would have a role in ‘your’ man or children’s lives.
I am both step mom and ex-wife. I am so grateful for my ex-husbands partner (now ex-partner, much to my sadness). She loved my daughter deeply, treated her like her own and knowing that there was another person loving my child like that made me happy, not bitter and jealous. The more loving people in our children’s lives the better.

As an adult, I would be ASHAMED to behave like my partner’s ex wife (and many others) have. I can not fathom how someone who is a mother could do these things to their children.
The mother of my stepsons has committed the following:

Withheld the children after separation, despite my partner having been their primary caregiver since birth.
Tried to have their dad sent back to England, so he would be out of their life
Used the boys to attempt to force a financial settlement. In this case, she was a Dr and the wage earner. She attempted to claim all assets were her’s since my partner did not work, he only stayed home with the children. Can you IMAGINE if a man tried to do this to a woman???? The terrifying thing is, it almost worked. Thank god my partner refused to be bullied. She still has a huge issue with paying child support
Attempted to get sole custody, stating she had been the primary caregiver and that my partner was incompetent. Though she seemed to find him competent enough when they were married to leave him alone with them everyday and most evenings because after work, she was too tired to deal with children and needed to go out and unwind (this woman is a child psychologist).

The list could go on and on. And this is not me merely sharing some polished up version my partner told me. I have known them for years, well before they separated. I WATCHED these things happen. First hand. Before they separated, the ex-wife was constantly passing the children off on me. While handing the baby to me like a filthy diaper, she would state ‘Here, take this.’ She spent so little time with them as it was and that time was even further diminished by her sending them off with me. On more than one occasion she banished her then husband and their 2 boys from the house, sent them to my place, because she said she needed a nap.
When he could take it no more, he left her. Eventually, he came to live with me, as my home was big and very child friendly (I ran a home daycare and was myself separated so had lots of room to share). It gave him a safe place to have his boys who, until that point, he was forced to spend time with wandering around town because he had no access to his home and the room he rented was not suitable for having the boys at. She refused him all access to their assets and revoked his immigration process, leaving him with no money and no means of working. (let me remind you, this woman is a child psychologist).
As we were already good friends, I imagine it was inevitable that we would fall in love. We have now been together 2 years and parent all our children together as a family. We both share joint custody with our exes.
So….I was good enough to take her kids when she was married, good enough to ask my advice about parenting and even about clients she had!! But now that I am their step mom, I am no longer good enough?
Perhaps one of you bitter bio-moms could explain to me how this could possibly make sense?
I will not back down, though. I may not have birthed these boys but I love them like I did. She has shown herself as unable to put her boys needs ahead of herself. I would be negligent if I did not step in and take up the slack she leaves.
I could care less if you birthed your children, inherited them, stole them or made them from clay, your primary concern should be their well being and if they are fortunate enough to have step parents AND parents who love them unconditionally, then pull up your freakin’ big girl panties and be an adult!

I am in a long distance relationship. 3000 miles to be exact. I am a Canadian living in British Columbia and my boyfriend (whom I haven’t met yet) lives in Pennsylvania. We met online 3 years ago and this is our third christmas together as a couple. We were friends for a year first but it wasn’t until well into our first year as a couple that he told me he had a daughter. A 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship. Her mother unfortunately has a lot of issues. She is addicted to drugs and has anger problems. There place is a disgusting pigsty and she has two other kids from two other men. (OY VEY!) Anyways, she lives on welfare and doesn’t really have a lot of money to really take care of all three of the children. She is always so doped up on meds, leaving their daughter (my bf’s daughter, who is the oldest) to take care of the younger ones. She gets treated like crap and even has had her stepdad physically abuse her and threaten her to the point she is scared of him.

So last year she told my bf that he could visit his daughter as long as he kept his mouth shut about who he was. (she didn’t know at the time he was her father) This went on until September of this year when he thought it was best that she knew the truth. He was tired of living a lie and he wanted to be in her life as her dad. (As I think he should have that right) So he told her so in the condition that he would tell her mother. He was expecting her to freak out but not in the way that she did. At first she told him he wasn’t allowed to see her anymore. But he wasn’t about to give up that easily. So when the right opportunity came, he asked her who she wanted to live with. She told him she wanted to live with him because of how bad the situation had gotten over there since he told her mom. So together they told his ex about their daughters decision and she has since then disowned her and refuses to let her get her stuff or see her other siblings. She is convinced he brainwashed her and whatever else she can throw his way. This is coming from a man who wants to be in his daughters life! Was it wrong of him to do this? I don’t think so! Maybe it is a biased opinion but I think he deserves to be in her life, especially if she wants him in hers! What kind of mother would do this to their own child? Disown them for wanting to live with the other parent? I am not a mother yet but if I was, I sure as hell wouldn’t do that to them! Since then it has been a drastic adjustment for the both of them. His mother lives with them so she has been very helpful in her grandchild’s adjustment and being a good female role model since I can’t be there physically. I have been very supportive of him and encourage him he is doing the best thing for her. She needs to be in a stable environment where she will get the love and appreciation she deserves. She has even asked me if she can call me mom. I am still kind of hesitant, seeing as how I am not her mother. (But under the circumstances I can see why she has asked me) She is a lovely intelligent girl and I know that my past experience as a step mom will be helpful in this situation. I know it isn’t going to be easy but I am in it for the long haul as I love her father so very deeply. We are working out the kinks so I can be down there with them.

So there’s my story and here’s my point. There are so many variations on a blended family and as both a parent and a step parent you have to just keep positive that things will work out, no matter how drastic the situation is. You want what is best for the children and sometimes it can be very frustrating, I know this very well! It is never easy, on all people involved. I hate to say it but some of you stepmoms seem a bit rash in your thinking and sound a bit selfish. Although some of the ex moms can be too. Trust me I have been there. But not all ex moms are manipulative or controlling. Maybe see it from their side. After all at one point YOUR husband was THEIR husband. Stepmoms need to realize what they are getting themselves into and to take steps into researching about how to deal with children from a divorced atmosphere. And if your not a parent yet then try taking parenting classes. While the children might seem distant, cold and have attitude problems, it may be the result of acting out. They’re children they don’t know any better. Sometimes you need to take a step back and ask yourself if there is something differently you can say or do to alleviate the problems you are facing. If your husband is really there for you then he should have the backbone to stick up for you as well. If he doesn’t and does whatever the mother of his children asks of him then you need to do some serious soul searching. Especially if you have children together that he is neglecting because of said ex. I hope my story has helped or inspired some of you. There are those who have inspired me for sure with theirs.