Comments on: Your Husband’s Ex-Wife

By: Debbie

Debbie — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 19:52:10 +0000

@ Christina who says all exs are just old, fat and jealous, my exs new wife is older than me. Her oldest kid is about five years younger than than her now husband. As far as looks go, lets just say she is not attrative, and that is not just me saying so, everyone who has seen her tells me they don’t know what he was thinking. And it wasn’t her personality, anyone who has been around her tells me she doesn’t have one of those either.

By: Debbie

Debbie — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 19:37:02 +0000

Being an “ex” wife I would like to comment from my point. I personally appreciated what Sarah and Patti had to say. It is not all a bed of roses from the “exs” side either. All I can say is I am very glad my children were grown (21 and 18 at the time) when all this went down and were old enough to draw their on conclusions and not have people like some of the people commenting here telling them how they should feel about the situation. We were married 25-years when my ex told me he wanted a divorce (this was thirteen days after being a pall-bearer at my sisters funeral who had just lost a fight with cancer after 2 years and 8 months). He told me there wasn’t anyone else he just wasn’t happy with me and like an idiot I believed that until our daughter and I ran into him and his no one at a Wal-Mart. I then found out that my in-laws of 25-years (people I loved and thought loved me) not only knew he was seeing someone, they had already gone out to lunch with him to meet her. I asked him did you ever think about your children and how they would feel about you seeing someone while we were still married? (He had met her at a bar one of the times I was out of State helping to take care of my dying sister). He said, yes, they had discussed it. I said, yes, and evidently niether one of you gave a rat’s a** about them or their feelings. (Both of them had told me if he had handled it differently they would have felt differently about him and her, that if he had divorced me first and then met someone it would have been totally different, they wouldn’t have liked to see me hurt, but they couldn’t have blamed her and would have even went to the wedding, which was three months after our divorce was final). And as for all the stepmoms just wanting to help, not all of them, some of them just want to take over, act like they are the mother and you never existed. When our son was getting married she tried to take the whole thing over until my (now) daughter-in-law finally had to tell her to just back off, it was her wedding and she was going to do it the way she wanted to it. And then all the lovely notes and letters she sent to me after they were first married, telling me how she was praying for me. Seriously, you were sleeping with my husband, helped (I said help because she didn’t do it all alone he and I were involved) break up my marriage, and then you have the nerve to tell me you are praying for me. So all you new wives out there can tell me what a wonderful person she is (why she is even praying for me), you are entitled to your opinion, she wasn’t sleeping with your husband, so I’m entitled to mine. In a three month period I lost my sister of 45-years, my husband of 25-years, my in-laws of 25-years, and my home of 25-years (we were living on property that had been in his family for 100 years).

@ Sarah, thank you for standing up for the ex-wives.
@ Patti, I appreicate your comments about the “bm”, because I am not a “bm” I’m their mom, period.
@ Kevin you may not like having your ex-wife around and think your children are being disrespectful of you, but you are wrong, she is your ex-wife, but she is not their ex-mother. My children have told me if I’m not welcome with his family then they aren’t because they are part of me too, and if I’m not family then they aren’t family. Try looking at it from their side, you divorced their mom, they didn’t.

By: Mrs2

Mrs2 — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 12:03:25 +0000

Miranda good for you. I tried very hard with my step children but they will not have anything to do with me. One of the children will not visit our house because I am here. I am excluded from everything and if my husband wants to spend time with his child it has to be at the home with his ex because my step child won’t come to our house, My husband is friends with his ex and I feel uncomfortable. When there are family functions he goes with his ex as though they are still a family and I am not allowed to go as his ex wife won’t allow me to. He is annoyed with me for having a problem with being excluded and I think he thinks I am selfish. I can’t believe the way it has all turned out given that, I was to the children, for a long time, the step parent I would like to have if I were a child but it got worse as soon as we married. I am so sad. I can’t stand being in a marriage with a husband who will have to keep going out with his family as though I don’t exist. I would like it if we could show a united front and both be there for the children even though I would never try to take the place of their mum.

By: NC

NC — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 19:01:13 +0000

To Beth- I know this post was from a year ago. I hope things are beter by now. I want you to know YoU ARE NOT ALONE. When I read your post I felt like it was me writing it. I’ll give you a bit of my background and then tell you where I am at now. At the very least you may feel a little better knowing you are not alone.

My husband and I have been together abot 10 years now. He had 2 children from previous marriage they were 3 & 5 at the time of divorce. They are now 13 (son) & almost 16 (daughter). We have a 6 yr old and a 3 yr old together (both girls). His ex was the same exact way. Never acknowledged me. Told the kids it was me who broke them up (not true. It was poor behavior on both of their parts. My husband was no angel either and I can admit that). Before the kids ever met me she told her then 4 and 6 year old that I was a witch and had a green face and I was really mean. I found this out when the 6 yr old said “your face isn’t green”. I just brushed it off figuring it was just bitterness and eventually it will fade. We live an hour from his children. not as far as 5 hours but it turns into a 4 hr traveling time to see them because like your BM she always had some excuse as to why she couldn’t meet half way. She always had an activity planned for them in his weekends or holidays. We even had to lie to her about when we were getting married so the children could attend. He pays a huge amount of alimony and child support and pays for activity costs, and medical things. She takes him to court every few moths for something or another and in between she harrasses us through the mail. BM has Never had a conversation with me in the 10 yrs I have been helping to raise her children. Every holiday, weekend , or special moment in our lives has been tainted in some way shape or form by BM. Then we had our daughters. I never made a nursery for my first child because we would be taking one of thir rooms away from them. I sacrificed so much to make the kids lives as happy as possible and for them to feel wanted. When all this stuff started to inturupt our daughters holidays and birthdays is when I started to put my foot down. When my daughter was old enough to realize what was going on and he birthdays were ruined and her father seemed to be playing favorites for his kids. I was not going to allow this woman to ruin my daughters relationship with he father. I am sooty but for once I put my daughter and myself first. Especially after bending over backwards and biting my tongue for 7 yeRs didn’t work! I really had to blame 80% of it in my husband. I know he was in a hard place. He loves his kids so much and actually that is one of the main things that attracted me to him in the beginning. But I also know my daughters and I did NOT deserve the treatment and the 2nd bet place we were in. So I thought about what i needed from my husband and then what was possible for him to change. I set firm boundaries since what I was doing inthe past (biting my tongue and putting everyone else first) was obviously not working for anyone involved. I told him before any change in the agreed upon schedules set forth by the court were changed I need to be included and asked if it were okay for me and our daughters. Afterall I do think I have a right to say what goes on in my own home and with my own husband. I told him that I needed him to treat all the children the same. I told him that if he was sending extra money for his dirt two to do an extra activity then he need to set aside the am amount of money for the younger two. I also told him he needed to go back to family court and make them aware of the parental alienation going on. I talked with him about how the whole last 7 years felt to me i explained to hom that if i were the one catering to an ex he would have left a long tome ago. You cannot negotiate with terrorists!!!! To my surprise, he slowly but surely he understood how demeaned, frustrated, and helpless I felt. He ended up putting his foot down in court, with BM, and with all of his children. He explained to me that he was doing all of these things because of the guilt he felt for “leaving” his kids with such a mentally unstable, emotionally abusive person. I then explained to him that I also felt that way and that is why I allowed this to go on for so long. So in the end my husband , daughters and I became very close, my step kids were even closer for a while too because they felt he was finally stepping up as a dad and not just some push over. However someone was not happy. Guess who. Yup you got it the BM. She tried everything to alienate those kids from us. She wrote things online, told the kids lies, got her family to threaten the lives of my family! All because my husband became the father he was before their divorce and the father he should have always been after the divorce. Eventually the children started to believe the mothers lies. Or they may just realize it is easier for them to just go along with her. I don’t know. All I know is my family was on the brink of divorce (just what the BM wanted) and my husband and I were not having that. My husband has not had a relationship with his son or daughter since fathers day 2010. He says he doesn’t regret the decision because he was doing what is right for all 4 of his kids. He didn’t want to let them grow up thinking that it is normal to behave the way everyone was behaving. In the end he temporarily lost his children because of parental alienation but in his words “I was never able to have a relationship with them. She wouldn’t let me. I was being selfish by staying in my chdren’s lives. It is easier on the day to day for them not having to deal with their ‘mother’ and father fighting all the time. I know in the end they will fid their way back to me and will appreciate the fact that I was the one to sacrifice for them. “. And you know what. He is right. Everything the BM is doing right now will come back to bite her. I personally know this because I was a child of divorce. My father ended up having to do the same thing. And now my dad and I are so close. And I thank him everyday because by him staying away (even though I didn’t know it t the time) it gave me some peace in the day to day life. When I got older I knew why he did what he did. And my momter and I …. We Still are in each others lives but I don’t trust her and I have major resentments. I don’t trust her judgement now. I feel like she always has her own hidden agendas. I have a great relationship with my step mom now and i wiuld never have had that before Ugh. So Beth if you ever see this…. My advic to you is sit with your husband with a glass of wine and just talk. Set some boundaries for yourself and your sons family. He deserves all your love and support just the way us Smoms do for our husbands and step kids. If it doesn’t change your son will be in the same place your skids are now. I still love my Skids an think about them everyday. Sorry for all the spelling errors I just had to get out my thoughts. I hope you get something from this story. I definitely feel better after venting.

By: Miranda

Miranda — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 21:23:50 +0000

This is in response to Sarah:

My husband and I have been together for eight years. He has two children with his ex and due in part to them we made the decision long before we were married that we would no have children together. We dated for over a year before I even met his boys, at the time 3 and 9. My husband and I would love to have the kids full time but realized that trying to take them from their mother was not what was best for them. He pays substantial non court-ordered child support ( we are not well off) and gladly pays for medicine, glasses, dentists, clothing, school supplies, yearbooks, field trips etc.as well. He loves his boys dearly and we try to do everything in our power to make them feel loved and supported. We have them every weekend and one evening during the week.

I love those kids to the depths of my heart and soul but I am not their mother nor have I ever claimed to be. We have left the “labelling” up to the kids. If they want to identify me as their stepmom they can, if not they use my given name and tell people I am their dad’s wife and have been with them for years. Their mom is their mom, no ifs ands or buts about it. But they also know that I would do anything possible for them and will always be there for them no matter what. Yes, it’s been tough to have a role that is undefined, but I know who I am, their dad knows who I am and the kids know who I am. That’s all that matters.

Their mom resents me and has not been able to resolve her issues with her divorce, her ex or his eventual marriage to me. I give them love and support, she see’s it as a threat and a competition. She lashes out at me, treats me rudely, and I suck it up. I am determined to be the bigger person and even after all these years I continue to hold out hope that we can one day have something as simple as a normal, adult conversation… but I’m no longer going to hold my breath. it’s not about me, its about them. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, I’m no super woman!

I will continue to be the bonus in my kids lives, long after they have grown and left home. When they make their own adult decisions I know that they will always choose to have me be a part of their lives. That’s my story.

By: christina

christina — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 22:34:38 +0000

@ sarah you sound like one of those EX-wives the step mothers are complaining about. The step-mom chose to be a part of their life by falling in love with the father. This however, does not mean that because the ex-wife still has grudges for whatever reason that it should be taken out on the step mother who is clearly trying and is probably intimidated anyway. Have you ever seen the movie Step-mom with julia roberts? I am both the “Biological” mom and step-mom. My children were lucky enough, that their dad married a woman who truly loves them! To me it felt like a blessing in disguise, that she was kind enough and treated my children in such an amazing way that they would love and look up to her. She easily could have been one of those women who are jealous of the children and doesn’t want them around often. I am very appreciative of her for everything that she has done for the girls. It makes me feel better that she can be there when I am not. because my children love her doesn’t mean they love me any less or that I am no longer their mother. But I also don’t have jealousy issues or other underlying problems like some women do when the new step-mom is younger or weighs less then the Mother. That is what most of it boils down to. Regardless of what went on in the marriage it should never be taken out on the children, and they should never be made to feel like they shouldn’t love or accept the step-mom because of the mothers insecurities. I for one love my step mother, she has never talked badly about my mother to me or my siblings and was always there if we needed her, she was also a very good mediator between us and our dad when we needed it. My mother was our sole care taker and provider when I was growing up and I have never once felt like she was never there for me, I love and respect my mother for how I was raised, regardless if I would have had my step mom or not. As for complaining about a “stale” job this isn’t the step mom or the ex husbands problem. Everyone can go to college and receive a degree, my mother did this as a single mother of 4 children under 7, so saying that you can’t earn as much as a man is BS its a woman’s world now doll and more women are hired for positions than men and there are more and more stay at home fathers these days. As far as me being a step parent, I get along fine with my step-child’s mother. We are very civil and usually if she needs an answer or something about when we get the child if she is wanting to swop days she calls me before her dad. I take the child to dr. app’s if needed or go pick the child up from her work when the child can’t go to day care because she is sick. It all depends on how mature both parties are and if they realize that the children are watching everything they do and they learn from them. So yes we made are choice and so did the “biological” moms so deal with them!!
And you say abandoned by the father this was a grown woman not a child!! They divorced. The father of my children cheated and left and I never once felt abandoned, hurt yes, lied to oh yeah, but at the end of the day I still had my dignity and my morals and I knew I would be just fine without him here mowing the grass ect… Children don’t have a choice in alot of things thats why they are CHILDREN!! and we are the parents. Would you let your child decide if you moved, or had another child, or what car you bought, or any other major decision in your life? no and if your answer is yes, then a little advice, we are the parent not the friend.

By: Patti

Patti — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 16:29:57 +0000

Okay…I have a few short comments.

Today, my ex is marrying his girlfriend.

To Beth…it is highly disrespectful to call someone a BM. Call her their mother…end of story. Be respectful of her. Your husband once loved her, she gave birth to his children. In the medical community, a BM stands for bowel movement. Try to turn your thinking around and show this woman some respect. as hard as this may be, given the circumstances. My heart goes out to you with the example you give of your husband paying more than his share, which is his choice, keep in mind. He doesn’t have to pay more. If you are truly unhappy, please get some counseling for YOU. Life is fragile and precious….

To Clare…”undeserved loyalty to their mother”?????? Give me a break. You almost gained some credibility with the rest of your comment…but then destroyed it by saying you want nothing to do with these kids, but are a wonderful stepparent.

To Andrea…I suggest doing some reading on how to manage life with your commonlaw’s ex-wife. There is quite a bit of reading on the internet and books about it. It more sounds like your commonlaw needs to get a set of *confidence* shall I say, and talk to his parents and also get some boundaries set with his ex-wife. Neither of you should have to take abuse from anyone. Try being kind to your commonlaw’s ex-wife. You obviously are younger than she is, the new model…not only do you have who was her man, but sometimes you have the most valuable thing to her…her child. Once you have your own child, you will understand, believe me. Try to see things from her point of view.

Divorce isn’t easy, especially when children are involved. Maybe those coming into the situation should do more reading and education as to how to make things easier on those of us trying to deal with it day by day.

Respectfully, Patti

By: Julie

Julie — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 14:01:37 +0000

Thank you for saying that we (stepmoms) are parents too. In my case, the ex-wife, unfortunately, is more than just bitter, she seems to have a borderline personality disorder. She has told me many times in the past that she is grateful for how much I care about her son, and then all of a sudden the tide turns and for months I endure what I can only describe as abusive behavior. She suddenly decides that I’m not allowed to be in his life and she will block me from picking him up or dropping him off, ultimately disrupting the entire schedule. This has caused many instances of her breaking the custody agreement. It’s very frustrating and it’s been going on, on and off, for four years now.

I’ve very recently started a blog because I needed a forum to vent. I try not to let her actions and words hurt me, and I hate admitting she has that kind of power, but ultimately it’s about the little boy and the chaos this causes him and that tears me apart. Why am I the target? What have I ever done to her? I echo what Katherine said in the article: I bathe him, feed him, kiss his boo-boos, HELP RAISE HIM and all of a sudden I’m not good enough? Now she’s telling him that he has only one mother – her – and that’s it. “Stepmoms don’t count.” While I understand she is his biological mother, of course, I also need recognition for the fact that I have been a mother to him since he was not even 2 years old. He has never known life without me and his father, and her. So why confuse him with these statements? It’s awful, just awful, the mental warfare she wages on him — all because of her jealousy and insecurity.

Thanks for these thoughts on dealing with the ex and for recognizing the parenting role that caring stepmothers have.

By: Andrea

Andrea — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 19:55:58 +0000

I have been struggling in my relationship with my partner’s ex wife from day one. Although we are not “legally” married, he and I have been together for almost five years and are expecting our first child any day now! When we first got together I was a twenty year old who knew nothing of raising children and his daughter was only a year old. I tried my best and took on the role I never thought I would play until later in life. His ex wife thought I should have known EVERYTHING about parenting and had something to say about EVERYTHING I did. I was young and learning but never got an ounce of understand or patience from her. The sad thing is that nothing has changed and my youth was spent being criticized for things that were very important and new to me. It was everything from doing her laundry wrong to being inappropriate for giving her a bath! I couldn’t believe the accusations flying around and someone making you feel like that for trying to care for THIER child! She even went as far as to tell her daughter not to be naked around her father or I…….this was crossing a huge line with us. I grew up with three sisters and a single mother. To me, all this did was make a young child be uncomfortable around people she should be the most comfortable around. In the years to come she would accuse us of everything from neglecting his daughter to being unsafe. She had gotten burnt at our house and his ex called CPS on us. The one and only time she had ever gotten hurt while in our care…. we were in shock! Over the course of five years she had only ever gotten a burn on her leg the size of a quarter and we were “unfit” to care for her. This is just a few things on a list of about a thousand! His ex also stays in VERY close communication with his parents and it makes him extremely uncomfortable. She asks them for money and things like that. He doesn’t know how to approach his parents or her about this. Any suggestions? Now that we are expecting our daughter, his ex refuses to accept that she will be a sibling to her daughter. It is almost border line crazy. She keeps saying things like ” you are the one having a baby, not him”. It is bizarre. And when his daughter comes she will say things like ” my mom doesn’t want you to have a baby.” It is extremely hard to deal with. I know I should try and see it from her side but sometimes I just don’t have it in me~ I have never talked about it or reached out for advice before, but now that we are starting a family, I feel I have to alternative. What should I do????

By: Clare

Clare — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 07:27:26 +0000

I read the posting from Beth months after the initial posting, but was amazed by it. I have experienced much of the same “shunning” by my step-children and their undeserved loyalty to their mother. I do want to say that from experience both in personal life and work that you, Beth, need to make sure that what is in the best interest of ALL the kids is taken into consideration. Being a great parent isn’t about giving children every material item they want. He would probably be doing them more of a favor if he set aside money for future expenses like college, cars, etc. and let them figure out things for themselves in the immediate. I also am concerned that you will eventually become very resentful of his attitude toward you and your needs, future, and well-being. I have been supporting my husband and also his children silently for years. I get no credit, and an treated like an outsider or worse. I have gotten to the point where I don’t want to participate in a single thing that goes on with these kids. One is beyond comment, two are just selfish, and the third is oblivious and self-absorbed. Don’t let yourself get to the point where you have sacrificed what you rightfully deserve for kids who don’t appreciate it and where you are resentful of your husband. Remember that material things are not what makes people happy, but it is what makes them unhappy! I am a great step-parent with crappy step-children.